wife with benefits or does he really love me in some sense

I am so sorry to hear all of this dearie, but I'll give my advice along with a LONG story, and probably a rant.

I was with a boy, for two years. We were best friends since we were 11 years old. I always had a crush on him, but feared what my friends would think if I were ever with him, he was one of those quiet, border-line psycho kids that everyone was afraid to talk to. When we turned 16, I couldn't stand it any longer and I had to date him. So I asked him out, and stopped caring about my friends and what they thought. I distanced myself from them in the beginning, but never stopped hanging out with them. As the relationship progressed, we had a fire like no other. Constantly having to be together, do everything together from gaming to just taking a piss! I always told him that if we'd survive I'd literally attach myself to his hip. Around 8 months - a year into the relationship though, things started to turn sour. He'd get angry and jealous about every friend I had, even if he knew they were my friend for YEARS, that didn't matter to him because he'd been my friend for years too. He knew everything about me before we'd started dating because we were best friends, who I'd been with etc, and he said he'd sit up at night and imagine me doing all of these things with all of these guys, and he'd obsess about it, and say he felt as if I were cheating on him.

I didn't have a Facebook at the time, and I still don't, but I decided to make one on a random day to experience what the buzz was about. I immediately deactivated it that day because I seen he was talking to other girls behind my back and telling them to meet up with him, and that he loved him. When I'd been his only girl friend his entire life, all of a sudden he's talking to a ton of girls. I call him on it and he says it makes him feel better because I had guy friends and such, and it still hurt me he was throwing the love card out all around but I let it go and thought nothing of it.

The relationship progresses, and the abuse begins. He starts telling me I am worthless, saying mean things like my dad was right for abusing me when I was little because I'm too "free". Calling me a slut, saying I have slutty friends, etc, which is all untrue. Accusing me of going to parties and having sex with guys which I never did. So I began to withdraw even more from my friends because I'd fear he'd assume something of me spending time with my girlfriends. I became a recluse and lost all of my friends, and then this is where he got really bad.

He began sexually abusing me, and "taking it" when I'd say "No" again and again and again. I was so afraid at first, I'd say no a thousand times and he'd still take it and I'd just give up. One time I even looked up at him and said "How can you do this to me? We've been friends for years, I thought you loved me" and he'd say nothing and just continue. After this went on for a few months, I started getting so fed up with him that I'd resist and fight back, and when I did he beat the living crap out of me. I went to school with black eyes, bruises, the whole nine and I'd lie and say I got it from rough housing with him outside, which it was known we'd always do and people thought nothing of it. And then, I got pregnant! After he forced himself on me again and again, unprotected, and being a recluse he claimed that it couldn't have been him and that I was cheating. He begins talking to other girls more blatantly now, texting them, calling them, meeting up with them, and I even found girl's names written in the dust of his car. So then he starts lies and tells everyone at school I am cheating on him. Meanwhile, everytime I try to leave he breaks down and says he does these things because I'm too good for him and he's afraid I'll leave him... and I come back like a fool. We go through this again and again until Prom-time comes about and he leaves me, pregnant, and lonely, with no friends to even go with, and takes another girl. After I said I refused to go with him, he convinced me, so I spent $200 to make it my little dream senior prom and he stood me up.

He tried being with me more after that, and at that point I'd had enough. I'd honestly still loved him but he was pushing so hard for an abortion I didn't want to have, while he was telling everyone I was cheating. So I got rid of the baby... and I left him. It wasn't over after this though. He came literally crying to my doorstep after calling me constantly and texting just days later to say he loved me and he wished I never got rid of the baby because he wanted it and I was wrong for doing that, etc. I wanted it all to end, I'd lost EVERYTHING because of him, and I wanted him to go away. I told him if he didn't leave I was going to call the police and tell them everything he's been doing and have him arrested.

reply to post by GreenEyedVixen


He attacked me again, and I ran inside of my house and locked the door. He finally left after stalking my home for hours. He harrassed me for months by call and text to the point where I changed my number. After he couldn't reach me that way anymore, he began e-mailing me and I had to deactivate the e-mail I'd used since I was 8.

Thinking I was finally free of him, I walk out of my door one day to see his face cover my eyes and restrain me. He said he needed me to listen and that he was never going to leave me alone because he NEEDED me, and he couldn't stand the thought of me being with anyone else. I agreed, said I'd be with him and we kissed and he came in and forced himself upon me yet again. I only agreed so he'd spend his time with me, and then leave like he eventually had to do, without me getting hurt.

He left, and I immediately called my grandmother and told her the jist of everything that happened. All of the things I'd been quiet about for so long. And she came and got me, which is my current residence now.

So because of this boy who I'd loved with every fiber of my being, I lost all of my friends, ALL of them, lost my first child because I didn't want a constant reminder of him, had to change my number, change my residence, deactivate my e-mail, and I lost my innocence, sense of love and trust, my sanity among other things. Because of him, and me thinking I loved him, I let things escalate to a disgusting point and remained totally quiet about it in fear of judgement. To this very day, I honestly admit that I have awful anxiety when I enter the state capital, which is where he lives. My work sometimes requires that I go that way, and I am in such fear of seeing him again that I've been prescribed anxiety medicine and I am now considering moving out of the state because when I am on vacation I am virtually stress-free. It is when I'm home that I become ridden with anxiety due to thoughts of him.

So my point is, dear, you MUST leave him now. It WILL only get worse, I can guarantee you that. He will never change, and if he does it is only temporary or he's still doing it but better at hiding it. DO NOT let things escalate any further because it really only snowballs. It is time to move onto something else because it's clearly just not working.

I know this is a long story, and I don't want any sympathy, I just want you to see the severity of things I had to do to stop this cycle of abuse after enabling it for so long. I was part of the problem, even though I'd done virtually nothing wrong. I was an enabler. You cannot be me and let these things happen. You have to be proactive and take control, right now before it's too late!

The only thing I can do now is when I see something like this, is to spread my story so that maybe you will learn from my mistakes and stop the cycle of abuse before it escalates, which it inevitably will! You see, it's not so bad at first because they are testing how much you can take, and once you go along with it over and over, they will push the envelope further because they have realised that you will not leave them.

And I'm not saying just MEN do this either, it just so happens I experienced this with a male, but I know a lot of females do this aswell.

YOU require love, trust and understanding. Not just a provider. Anyone can provide, but not everyone can love correctly. He clearly does not know how to love you, and you've already proven that to me just by posting here. If you know in your heart that what he gives isn't enough, then it ISN'T! No matter what he tells you that you're too "needy" or "insecure", HE is the problem because of his actions. What you feel is a normal reaction to this, you are NOT wrong at all!

I am so ridiculously passionate about this subject because I never want to see this happen to anyone else!!!

Goodluck though darling! I wish you the absolute best and I hope everything is straightened out.

Remember: ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. So if he is telling you one thing and doing another, call him on his BS!

I have no idea why you keep on hanging around with this guy. Is he giving you threats if you leave him? He doesn't love you if he uses, abuses you and cheats on you. Get your head straightened. You don't need to stalk him and see what he is doing if you already know. It just adds more stress on top. Sign your divorce papers and move on, you'll be waaaaay happier. Seek out a different man to date and stop thinking about him. You already will know that things will not change. I don't understand, what more proof do you need? Are you gonna try and sue him?

that sounds way more like my first husband. but yes, i know i even said that to him. actions do speak louder than words and it is so hard to carry on as "normal" knowing what all he is doing and not react.

he has never ever hit me, or phyiscally abused me in any way. he may yell at me, but we have had many arguments about that specifically.

i know i am free to come and go. i am not trapped. i just have to decide if it is worth staying.

pretty much everyone, ok, everyone here says get out. which is what my friends said before i got into this mess even though they had never met him

i have my own bank account, my own money, my own car. it's not really hard to get away this time. he leaves for work before i get home. i could pack all night and be gone before he comes home. but the question is, would i regret it and want to come back.

he would want to know why.

and at first he would be mad that i read his stuff but in the end he would say i knew you would leave. and he knows that would just make me cry. i would NEVER leave if he did things the way he is supposed to do as a husband. respect. honor. cherish. take care of each other.

i tease him that those other people don't mean anything. they don't love you. i'll be here to wipe your but when you get old, they won't.

reply to post by dmonkey


You will regret it at first, and maybe even months, years afterwards because you'll think there's something you missed, or something you didn't do, something you could have done to make it still work but the reality of the matter is that it will only get worse! It took 20 months for my ex to hit me the first time, and it all started with WORDS, among other things.

If you can leave and be financially okay and have a lot of friend/family support then DO IT.

There is someone special waiting out there for the both of us because we love right, and hard. You will feel so much better after leaving him! Not immediately, but you'll go through a mourning period of missing him, certain qwerks about his personality you believe you won't find in anyone else, his laugh, etc, but it's all replaceable in the end.

You will be sad and miss him for a bit, but then you will discover yourself again, and the happy, independent person that you can be without your mind being clouded of negativity and worrying about what his next move is going to be. You can develop yourself, and your own hobbies, live for YOU again.

reply to post by Shrukin89


i guess i stay because in the back of my mind i hear the first husband that said you don't divorce for any reason and there is always a way to work it out. no he doesn't threaten me. he just says if he didn't love me he wouldn't be here.

sue him? no. i have no hard feelings towards him. i am not mad at him. i am not a revenge type person. i do owe him money because he borrowed for me so i could pay my taxes. i would need to pay that back. but otherwise,

it is all about the emotional side. that is why it is hard for me. if you loved someone so much you would do anything, i mean anything, to make it work. why break it off so easily. why be so COLD about it. if it was the love of your life, how can you just do it.. and not look back.

i swore to myself that if we didn't work out, i was done with relationships. no more dating. no more wishing for mr. right. no more wanting to share my life with someone. i am done with all that.

i will need to think about this, it is not a HASTY decision. nor an easy one.

no kids thank God. just material things to be sorted out.

Originally posted by dmonkey
uh.. thanks Taupin Desciple

I think.

Sorry if I came across as being harsh. I do care. If I didn't then I wouldn't be posting here. Sometimes I just don't use my filter.

The original advice still stands though. Leave.

You sound like you're bordering on jaded. That's how I see it from what you're saying. "Why bother when there's nothing better". I've seen people change for the better and, regardless of what their circumstances were, they all had one thing in common. They started with themselves. They stopped focusing on how they related to other people or how other people related to them, and started focusing on they they related to themselves. How they treated themselves and how they viewed themselves.

You SAY you're not co-dependent but you don't ACT like it. So he didn't sign the divorce papers. That's no reason to go back to him and then say it's his fault. Just because you're married to someone doesn't make you legally obligated to physically stay with them. That, and you said more than once that you left and just couldn't stay away. That's co-dependent. On some level you NEED someone around. Wanting companionship and needing it are two different animals. And please don't disagree with me. You know I'm right.

A better class of man is out there but you have to have a better attitude if you want to attract them.

A good man isn't going to want someone who needs them.

i understand what your saying. i have to get some sleep, if i can.this just makes me depressed.

i have done everything i could to make him happy. it just isn't enough.

Your world, your everything, doesn't cheat on you. He cherishes you, he honors you, and will always be loyal to you. He thinks about you when you're not around, he does the little things to make you smile, and tells you he loves you with just his eyes.

I don't know, maybe that's just me.

such a sad story, the saddest part is how you justify him, just leave. dont leave it to god, dont leave it to anybody else, just leave, this is not normal and you are being used. I am not even married, i live with my girlfriend of 4 years, i would never even dream of having a conversation with another woman flirtatiously, i have many friends like the man you described, they are selfish, they try to make you believe having sex is out of their control, it is akin to a spoiled teenager in my eyes, there are plenty of normal sane compassionate men out there willing to make somebody truly happy, dont waste the chance that you might find that one amazing man who will complete your life just for some pig obsessed with getting his member handled no matter who its done by!
good luck, you have the power!

Originally posted by chrismicha77
Your world, your everything, doesn't cheat on you. He cherishes you, he honors you, and will always be loyal to you. He thinks about you when you're not around, he does the little things to make you smile, and tells you he loves you with just his eyes.

I don't know, maybe that's just me.

That's it man. Until she can do all that for herself she won't find a man who can also that for her.

Hopefully she'll come around.

I'm sorry to hear what your going through. I would never put up with a relationship like that myself, but understand it's not always that simple. But, once the trust has gone it is very hard for it to be regained.

There are good men out there, ones who wont cheat on you and who will treat you right. You need to stop wasting your life trying to make him happy and make sure you are happy. It sounds like a destructive relationship with no future. Get out of it as soon as possible, is my advice.

How would your husband feel if you were the one cheating? I bet he would not have shown the patience and loyalty you are showing.

Kick his ass to the curb, girlfriend.

Dump him, NOW. This minute. Then you'll see that strange look on his face again. He's a rat and he's bringing you down to his level, making you depressed and turning you into a neurotic stalker. Think about yourself from now on. Walk out, or throw him out. and NEVER take him back.

If you think that's hard to do, it's just your imagination, because you're scared. It's very easy, just do it now. Is he in? If not, pack his stuff and throw it outside, get a new lock on the door. Let him beg, cry, and grovel via text, (don't let him back in), and delete the effing things. Make sure he's gone today.

And don't jump into another relationship straight away either. You've got a backbone to grow first, that'll take a bit of time.

Tough advice, but you asked for it. He's a prick. If I was your mum I'd have a fit at what you're putting up with.

reply to post by dmonkey

we married just on paper, so i could have medical insurance.

You married him for convenience sake, yet you complain of his treating you casually. Why not accept the responsibility for your actions and just leave if you feel you made the wrong decision?

His extramarital activities probably mean as little to him as he says they do. He cared enough for you (at least as a friend) to give you his name for your health. Why not buck up and deal with it- or leave as I mentioned earlier.

Get yourself a boy toy and have some fun.

reply to post by dmonkey


You need to break off communication with this man. He clearly is a douchebag. This is just going to continue to hurt you and no one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated.

I'm in a marriage that is / has failed, I have a "friend" online that, when the timing works out, I will be getting together with. That in itself is cheating, but I could never physically touch or even kiss another woman while I was married.

Those who can, will. it's a fact. Save yourself some heartache and find a man that will appreciate you for what you are.

Not all marriages work. One based on "convince" will never work. He may be the world to you, but clearly, you are a means to an end for him. People grow, people change, the person you fell in love with might be gone, or never existed.

I still love my wife, like a friend, like family, but we've grown apart and it's less a marriage and more a roommate situation. You can't live like that, I've tried, it's been killing me for years.

You need to clear your head, kick him to the curb, and find YOURSELF. You've spent all this time being the person you thought he wanted, you have to find the real YOU.

Once you do that, you can start looking for a man who will love you for you, spend his days making you happy, think about you when you are gone.

i'm not condoning the actions of this man, at all, but you've enabled it the whole time. But I can understand that too, a little. When my wife found some texts from my friend things almost came to an end right there, but she begged and pleaded for me to stay, and since she has me by the financial testicles I did. But, I'm not leading her on, we haven't had a "marriage" for years and she is not at all in the dark about me being unhappy.

you can't blame yourself. Things happen. But do not keep yourself in this situation, it's unhealthy

I think you love him because of what he is doing.

Like, some girls like when a man is playing precious, and then they get all wild after getting that man.

I did it once to a girl (we weren't married and all that, we weren't even in a relationship) but we was seeing each others now and then. But everytime I would get kinda annoyed so to say, about her, so I didn't want to speak with her. But every time I wrote to her, she was still ready! But then, I actually got feelings for her and showed it to her..

But guess what, she dumped me lol! As if she thought that I wasn't that interesting now when I wanted her!

So, could it may be something like that? Are you maybe attracted to it, unconsciously?
A lot of times, when a lady is in a violent relationship, they just simply cant leave their husband, even though they hate to be treated like that. But they still love them..

I can't get my head around it, and I would like to know more.

Up with your head, I don't think you should spend anymore time with that fool.

What happens when you begin to break up with him, is he then trying to get you back instantly?

You need to leave.
Then get into counseling as soon as you can.
Find out why you are attracted to "broken" men.
Learn how to break that pattern.
Learn to love and value yourself and that you DESERVE to be loved.

Only then will things change for the better.
I wish you the best of luck, and much future happiness!

reply to post by dmonkey

he lied to me about seeing others before we married. he cheats on me and yet i still can't get my head around it. i don't want to turn my life upside down again. he is my world. my everything.

You have a onesided relationship with a man who cannot keep his penis in his pants. He may be your world but, you are not his world. Actions speak louder than words. Dump the pig and move on there are better men out there. You are taking abuse you do not have to.

Why are you bothering to try to figure him out? He likes to have promiscuous sex and is probably addicted to sex with strange women. You are rolling the dice everytime you have sex with this fool. If you stay with this guy you are clearly stupid.

reply to post by dmonkey


simplest way I can put it... Go get some! Its obvious its a bs marriage.. And if you arent going to push to make it real, might as well reap the benefits he does. Maybe then he'll realize.. Or atleast you wont be put down. You should move on though. Health insurance is a scam. Just give e.r. Fake info like all the illegals..

You are his way of staying out of relationships with other women he wants to sleep with.

He pays the bills so he can maintain this fortress.

You allow him to cheat..if he leaves you and hooks up again he may not have it so good.

He will never leave you as long as you allow him to have his cake and eat it too.

He absolutely does not love you.

A bit blunt...but a pretty accurate assessment I believe...

Then again, you knew this going into it... Even you said you married more for other reasons. With a previous swinger lifestyle, I can see how you'd be a bit more accepting of his action on the side. It's a bit difficult for others to comprehend no doubt.

The thing is though, to him...he's got it made. The best of both worlds. A relationship he can depend on...AND the freedom to go bang whomever he wants. He has ZERO incentive to change this, of course. And he won't. No reason for him to do so.

I'll agree with the others here, and advise you to get out as soon as possible. By the way, TAKE anything you feel you're entitled to also, rent a truck if you have to. Seems he's gone long enough for you to do so. Put ALL of your assets into someone else's name (a sister, brother, etc.) so he can't touch it during the divorce.

He's really kind of an idiot though. He could have had the perfect wife, probably even a few threesomes now and then, and someone who really is devoted to him. His loss, hope you can eventually find someone who will appreciate you. My wife is much the same, but I know it, and appreciate her for it.