wife with benefits or does he really love me in some sense

i am sure there are others here that have bigger issues than me and it may seem so clear to others but in my mind it is just not that simple.

he lied to me about seeing others before we married. he cheats on me and yet i still can't get my head around it. i don't want to turn my life upside down again. he is my world. my everything. and yet, i feel invisible most of the time because he spends more time fishing for others online. we married just on paper, so i could have medical insurance. it was not like a big wedding or anything. we broke up several times due to his extra activities that he lied about so he always felt i left him. and that he can't trust me because i'll leave again. i knew he was like this and yet i still chased after him anyway and forgave him.

the latest is i followed him on a supposed "fishing trip" and he went to a woman's apartment. i sat outside and waited for him to come out. after an hour i couldn't stand it anymore and knocked on the door. she answered in her night gown and it was in the middle of the day. he couldn't believe i followed him. it was like the weirdest look i had ever seen on his face. he was so mad all the way home he broke his phone and threw it at me when he got home. i didn't say anything to him. i didn't pack. i didn't move out. i just ignored it.

that night we had sex and i wanted to keep things like they were but it took me weeks to stop thinking he was doing this to her just like he is to me.

now... 4 months go by and i logged into his secret email and read all the women he is trying to hook up with. i know he will never stop. he will never be devoted to just me.

he says "they don't mean anything", basically it is just sex.

now, it seems in his mind that if he provides a home, pays his part of the bills, he has done his part. we never "talk". it is a girl thing. he hates it when i bring up relationship stuff. he says i am insecure (well... can you blame me???) and that he will never leave me. he says he loves me.. but it isn't the kind of love that is deep in your eyes knowing your the ONE.

we met in 2007, married in 2009 and i just don't know how i can continue this. i pray to God he will become what he is supposed to be or then take him out of my life.

i married before and he was phyically abusive, so that's another story. the next was ADDICTED to porn.. and now this. why can't i just have a NORMAL freaking relationship with a guy that is not all screwed up.

in his mind he sees nothing wrong. texting others all day long, emailing them for meet ups, and calling them when he is not with me in my eyes is all cheating. if i did any of the things he does, he would leave and say i was the one that cheated. which is why he left his first wife.

i need something like a miracle here to fix this. if i ignore him i seem to get more attention. it is so tiring to try and keep up with him and who he is talking to, if he is home, who he emails... so if i just ignore it... eventually the other woman gets the idea he is married and they break it off. and then for 2 days i get attention like it is supposed to be and then he is off again hunting.

ARGH!!

You are his way of staying out of relationships with other women he wants to sleep with.

He pays the bills so he can maintain this fortress.

You allow him to cheat..if he leaves you and hooks up again he may not have it so good.

He will never leave you as long as you allow him to have his cake and eat it too.

He absolutely does not love you.

Peace

I forgot to add..If you can financially do it..get out now.

If you can't get out now..start working on a means to get out as soon as possible.

Peace

reply to post by dmonkey


No one deserves to be treated the way you're describing, not even by a complete stranger let alone your spouse!

I would assume he is just using you for casual sex. He isn't loving in his actions or attitude.

Where do you go to pick up these men? Perhaps that is the problem. If you go to football games, you'll get footballers. Go to bars, you'll get drinkers.

Perhaps if you want men with a moral code & some caring, you should go to a church?

Sorry if this isn't the answer you hope for...

But, he obviously doesn't love you enough. If I were you I would just use him and get whatever you can from him; I know that sounds bad. If you feel you still think you're in love with him then I feel sorry for you. That's the cards life has handed to you, just make the MOST of it.

i need something like a miracle here to fix this

Everything happens for a reason , no need to beat the dead horse :p Walk away , start fresh , look in mirror , and consider letting the guys in , you normalliy wouldn't date . Thats the problem with ladies these days , they go by what they "feel' but emotions cloud your judgment , and you end up and stay with silly fools who cheat on you , then you have the audacity to strach your heads and ask why is he doing it ! lol

I'll tell you why ! because its women like you who stick around with cheating dirtbag men , which gives them authority to keep on doing it ! why ? because some women stick around :p

If 98 percent of you walked away at the first signs of dating a lemon . The men of today would have to live to much higher standards , and would realize the importance and value of a realtionship...

but nope todays women think they can change him by sticking around .... enjoy that dillusion
!

I am so sorry for you. A lot of others will come by with advice, soon enough.

I believe he does love you, or did genuinely at some point. But he is a child, and he loves the way a toddler loves. I am sure he loves you as long as you are in the room with him.

But he needs constant and endless affirmation, the way children do. He seeks it, he gets it from all women, but it never satisfies his need for "something" from a woman, and he doesn't even know what it is.

He won't stop until he grows up, and if he hasn't done so by now, he probably won't on this side of the grave.

you need a mature man, who can keep his word; who WANTS to be faithful, and not merely behaves to please you.

You know what you need. you may not be ready today, but your soul knows you deserve better than this, and are entitled to better than this.

I hate to tell another adult what to do. But the longer you drag this out, the more time you spend on Mr. wrong, and delaying your time with Mr. Right.

If I'm wrong, your intuition is telling you so. But if I am right, you can feel that as well. God bless you.

I think you have a vey low self-esteem.

You don't respect yourself enough to believe that you deserve better and can find a better husband.

More than likely he won't change, you are wasting your time with that guy.

You need counseling to regain your self-esteem. After you regain your self-esteem you will realize how illogical you were by not divorcing him.

reply to post by dmonkey

he lied to me about seeing others before we married. he cheats on me and yet i still can't get my head around it. i don't want to turn my life upside down again. he is my world. my everything. and yet, i feel invisible most of the time because he spends more time fishing for others online.we married just on paper, so i could have medical insurance. it was not like a big wedding or anything. we broke up several times due to his extra activities that he lied about so he always felt i left him. and that he can't trust me because i'll leave again. i knew he was like this and yet i still chased after him anywayand forgave him.

You figured he would change? You figured you could change him?

You were all like " **** it!". Now you are complaining ?

i still can't get my head around it.

Yeah.. me too.

where did we meet? online.
plenty of fish dot com

go to church? well, lets see i am catholic but can't receive communion because i divorced my first husband and so i am not really invited back in a sense.

i could leave. can i afford it? i guess if i had to do it.

only recently have i become depressed and resentfull of the things he does like this. he works at night, so he has the days free which gives him time to do crap like this.

i could live with the texting if i knew that was all it was.

and starting over.. well... i am 43 and starting over for the 3rd time? i'll pack my things in my car and leave the rest again... i really don't think i should have to give up evertyhing. i bought the washer, dryer, refridgerator, dishes, towels, etc...

i could make some comments on one of the posts here since it wasn't very nice but i'll over look it.

Originally posted by dmonkey
where did we meet? online.
plenty of fish dot com

go to church? well, lets see i am catholic but can't receive communion because i divorced my first husband and so i am not really invited back in a sense.

i could leave. can i afford it? i guess if i had to do it.

only recently have i become depressed and resentfull of the things he does like this. he works at night, so he has the days free which gives him time to do crap like this.

i could live with the texting if i knew that was all it was.

and starting over.. well... i am 43 and starting over for the 3rd time? i'll pack my things in my car and leave the rest again... i really don't think i should have to give up evertyhing. i bought the washer, dryer, refridgerator, dishes, towels, etc...

i could make some comments on one of the posts here since it wasn't very nice but i'll over look it.

If the Catholics won't accept you, go somewhere else. Not some "culty" type place but somewhere large & conservative. Shop around till you find some nice people.

Perhaps get involved in some charity support. Even if you don't find someone straight away, you can get a little satisfaction that you are doing something worthwhile.

Keep a positive attitude (at least it'll piss off those who want you under their thumb)!

i am seriously considering buying a one way ticket to cozumel and just leave with my identification and what money i have in the bank.

once i got there i would want to come back. stupid i know.

i suggested counseling once before and he agreed so i came home. we never went to any sessions, he said we didn't need it and that we could work it out.

if i don't read his phone, read his emails, i pretty much don't care. out of sight out of mind.

i have a gift that keeps on giving from my swinger lifestyle (this guy of 12 years used me to get threesomes on the side) .. so finding someone new wouldn't be an option. nothing you would die from, just something that's forever.

reply to post by emberscott


it wasn't that i thought i could CHANGE him.. it is that i thought he would appreciate what he had. a good wife, a good lover, a good friend, all those things you look for. something you don't realize how much you love till it is gone. which is one of the reasons i took him back. he said he didn't realize how much till i wasn't there.

I will tell you the same thing that I told a friend in a similar situation as yourself.

People like that dont change if they dont have to.

And, get yourself checked out, most men that have this many women usually dont wear protection, she finally left, and a year later found out she was H.I.V positive, and his acting out was because he knew he was sick, and wanted everyone to get it too!

She also listened to how he loved her, because he was scared she would find out what happened in his last relationship, he got thrown out because the last girlfriend he did the same thing too, found out she was positive.

Sorry for the sad story, but sometimes you got to get real.

Peace, NRE.

Your husband is an inconsiderate, self absorbed son of a ...! You know that you deserve more than to be treated like this. You know that what he is doing is wrong. It may hurt to leave, but it will hurt more to stay. Please leave now so that you will have a chance at something better. Learn from your past mistakes in the choices you have made. Best of luck to you.

reply to post by dmonkey


I will let others speak to your questions about your relationship with your husband. I would like to encourage you to work on your relationship with yourself. Based on your circumstances, both in this and previous relationships you alluded to, that you need to learn to really value yourself, and from my experience this must come before you can enjoy a truly healthy relationship.

Here is one link I have seen others post - I do not have personal experience with the organization. However, I do have a storied history, many years ago, with the challenges related to "co-dependency" and recommend you at least give their website (or other information on the topic) a look and see if it resonates with you.

www.coda.org...

I hope you can find your way through to a happy, healthy relationship with yourself, and then on to a happy, healthy relationship with a partner - whether that's your husband or not. Best of luck, and remember - you are worthy of love.

Let me get this straight.....You find him in another woman's apartment.........it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out they were having sex..........you both go "home' and you have sex with him later that night ? Why?

What's your point in staying with that douche-bag? Is he really THAT hot is the sack? You said you don't want to turn your life upside down any more than what it is now by leaving. Sorry, I don't see how that's possible. How on earth could you possibly think your life could be WORSE without him? That just makes my spin.

I could keep railing on you about this, you make it easy, but I'll try to be nice. You asked why you can't just have a normal relationship? It could be that when you're in one, you hold onto it. When you leave it or leaves you, you go find another one. Seems to me that in some weird way, you get off on the pain.

This may sound harsh, but if you really want to attract a man of high caliber who you can have a "normal" relationship with, who you can look in the eyes and just "know" they're the one, then you you need to step up your own game. Become the type of person you want to attract. Birds of a feather honey, they do flock together.

It might sound like a big leap, but you CAN go from this:

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To This:

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The fact that you even posted what you did, out of frustration too no less, tells me that you're ready for a change. You know what he's doing is wrong and you know that you're wrong for putting up with it. You may have confidence issues, but they're not so big that you can't overcome them. The first step in getting your confidence back to where you can attract a better class of man.......is wanting to. You might also think that you're damaged goods at this point and.........who would want you anyway? I haven't seen a scar so deep yet that it can't heal.

Leave him.

And don't look back.

Otherwise you'll be stuck with sh** like this for the rest of your life:

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I'm a man and I may have done some questionable things in my day, but what he's putting you through is just flat-out bulls**t.

uh.. thanks Taupin Desciple

i think.

no, i do not get off on the pain. i just don't know if i should wait it out, give up or ignore it. in the end i always miss the hell out of him and i stalk him again and he gives in.

i even changed my phone number twice when we broke up just so he couldn't contact me. he emailed me.. and then he sent messages though a friend about my mail.

i should have never taken him back. i had my own place, doing my own thing.. and every night missed him but i was getting over it. and i even filed for divorce. but he wouldn't sign the damn paper. i sent it to him three ways his work, his mom, his home.. and he ignored it. and i tracked him down, asked him to sign it and he said he wanted to work things out.

i am not co-dependent..

and yes i know they had sex.

and i have feelings it has been more than just that one time with other people. i just don't have proof.

i let it go. ill get angry about it, cry about it, and then .. i just don't know.

i am beginning to think this is the way all men are.

they ignore you.
they use you
they get what they want and forget the rest.

if they are all that way, why change to a new one? same result

i am just saying...