Jesus Tap Dancing Christ!!!

This is supposed to be like a TV Show, every chapter is a new Episode in a new setting. Its gonna be a little weird, and a little...random. But...enjoy.

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Episode 1: Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and the Tapping Ghost

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ is walking through the Iraqui dessert on his way to a small town to entertain the people there. He walks grudgingly along with his tap shoes hanging over his shoulder. He got to the top of a dune and saw the town just ahead.

The Iraqui kids of the village came running up to him and hugging him. He smiled and looked around for something to drink. He was then led to the village elders to perform his tap dance.

"I have come to Tap Dance!!!!", said Jesus
"Well go ahead, get your tap on", replied the elder.

As Jesus was setting up his tap floor and putting on his tap shoes he saw some guy running across the clearing where he was to perform. Jesus followed him to a well where they got there water. He yelled "SADDAM IS COMING!!!! SADDAM IS COMING!!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!" as he jumped into the well and drowned himself. Jesus shrugged it off and finished setting up.

He waited for everybody to get settled before he started. The elders of the village commenced the festivities by firing an AK47 into the air. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ started doing what he did best, Tap Dancing. In the middle of his first routine a dust storm kicked up. Everybody, including Jesus, ran for cover from the sand. As the storm cleared there was a misty figure in the air in the middle of the clearing.

"Jimbo? Jimbo is that you? Get your Holy ass Spirit down here." yelled Jesus.

The mist just kinda hung there not moving.

"Okayyyyy. So your NOT Jimbo, then who the hell are you?"
"I!!!! I Am THE GHOST OF SADDAM HUSSEIN!!!! and Im heard to kick your scrawny 2000 year old hairy ass"
[all the audience members go OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH]
"WTF?? Your in Jail. How the hell can you be here?"
"Dont ask me, your a god! You tell me!!"
"Okay, what do you want?!?!"
"A Tap OFF!!! The one who wins shall be banished to hell for the rest of eternity."
"DEAL!!"

Another tap floor was set up for Saddam Hussein. How he would tap dance as a Ghost?? Just at that moment Saddam's ghost took form and was walking towards Jesus with his hand extended to shake his.

"Lets make this a fair game, okay?"
"Yes...indeed."
"You go first"
"Alright"

Jesus did an average tap to start out the tap off without wearing himself out too much. It didnt seem to impress the judges, because he only got scores of 5,6,4.5,7,2. Saddam then went up to his board. Started out kinda slow, then moved onto moves that Jesus had NEVER seen before. He got 9.5's across the Judges.

"What the hell is your peoples problem?? Do you WANT to be killed? Cuz I can smite you all!"
"Oh...sorry Jesus...we'll try and judge you better"
"You damn well better"

Jesus gets up for his second tap of the battle. He does miraculously! The judges give him 9.9,9.9,9.8,9.5,8.9. The judge at the end of the table then drops dead. An announcer over a loud speaker goes:

"We NOWWWW Have only 4 judges!!! How will this affect the Tap Off? We dont #in know...we'll get back to you on that..."

Saddam then gets up for his second tap of the night. He trips a bit at the beginning...

"OHOOOHH That'll lower his score a bit!"

...but Then pulls through and yet again does a GREAT tap that Jesus had never seen before. The scores go up.

7.5,7.3,6,5, Saddam grumbles some words in Arabic.

Jesus gets up for his final dance of the night!! He does a spectacular Tap, better than anything he had done all night. The scores go up...8,8,8,8

"WTF!!!"
"HAHAHAHAHAH!!!" Laughed Saddam

Saddam steps up, looking extremely confident in his abilities. He does a fairly simple tap, but the Judges seemed impressed.

9,9,9,5.

"WOW!!! WHAT AN UPSET!!!! SADDAM WINS!!!! By approximately .5 points!!!! JESUS HAS TO BE SENT TO THE DEPTH OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!"
"Not if I can help it"...mumbles Jesus.

Jesus walks up to Saddam to shake his hand and congratulate him. As Saddam reached out his hand Jesus grabbed it and wrapped it around Saddams neck and held him in a choke hold.

"IM NOT GOING TO HELL!!!"

Jesus pulled off his right tap shoe and shoved it in Saddams mouth.

"TAKE THIS!!!"

Jesus applies all his force to the shoe and shoves it down Saddams throat as far as it will go. Saddam dies instantly.

"Thatll tell you not to mess with Jesus Tap Dancing Christ ever again!!!"

Will this be the last of Saddam Hussein? Will we see him again?? Will he come back to challenge Jesus to a rematch!??!?!

Probaly Not!!

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ walks off into the sunset of the Iraqui desert with the music "Wake Up by Rage Against the Machine" plays in the background. Jesus then puts on a pair of black sunglasses, and flies into the sky.

THE END!!!

Watch Out For Episode 2: Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and the Crips and Bloods!!!

that sure is random alright... dont know if NBC will go for it but i guess its something. keep swinging dreamlandmafia. episode 2, crips and the bloods!?!? now this i think i gotta see. dfh out.

Fox would....look at all the stupid shows they have.

[Edited on 11-9-2004 by dreamlandmafia]

Originally posted by dreamlandmafia
Fox would....look at all the stupid shows they have.

[Edited on 11-9-2004 by dreamlandmafia]

lol FOX, they'll buy anything...

I finally came through with my promise. Its been 4 months...but its finally here. Episode 2...tell me what you think. Its a bit more violent...and im sorry for the bit excessive language. But this is a warning...**BAD LANGUAGE**

Enjoy...
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Episode 2: Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and the Crips and Bloods!

In the middle of Compton we see Jesus Tap Dancing Christ standing on the sidewalk a few feet away.

Down flies Buddy Buddha from his castle in the sky. Buddy Buddha has become Jesus Tap Dancing Christ's new sidekick since he was last seen in Iraq.

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and Buddy Buddha walk over to the 7/11 on the street corner to get some smokes and some lotto tickets. Buddy Buddha walks to the back of the store to grab a few 40oz from the refridgerator, while Jesus Tap Dancing Christ goes and gets some good lotto tickets.

"Give me...umm...06/06/66 Satans Birthday, and...Yo Buddha! Whats your birthday??"
"Which One?"
"Your current one"
"Oh...02/19/87"
"Thanks"

"Mkay...Satan's Birthday...Buddha's Birthday...give me my birthday"
"Which is????" says the cashier
"Im #in Jesus Christ...think about it!!"
"Okay...geez...here ya go"

At that moment a big group of gigantic black men come storming in, wearing lots of red. They were the Bloods. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ used his special Buddha Whistle to call Buddy Buddha over without them hearing.

"Yo...what the # are you doing in our territory you #in honkey. This is Blood land, you dont come here unless your prepared to die bitch!!"
*Jesus Tap Dancing Christ flashes the Bloods sign* "#, im one of yall. No #ing Crip"
"Prove it...go smoke a few Crips"
"All right. Come Buddy Buddha"

They walk around a bit til they get to a basketball court. Everybody is wearing blue so they figured they were in the right place. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ taps his way up to them doing the Crip Walk.

"What you want bitch? You some #in Blood?"
"Naww...Im a Crip for life! *flashes the Double C and finishes the Crip Walk*"
"Prove it...go smoke some Bloodz."
"Ummm...okay"

He and Buddy Buddha rush off to think of what the hell they were going to do next. They decide to get the two gangs together so maybe they can wipe each other out, cuz Jesus Tap Dancing Christ is all about ending gang violence. He tells both groups to meet him at the Inglewood Community Center to see the heads of the opposite gang members that he killed. At 9:00pm the Bloods enter the Center, shortly followed by the Crips. Buddy Buddha stays outside and locks the doors, securing both gangs inside. They see each other and all pull out their guns. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ stands there looking at them smiling.

"Go ahead...kill each other."
"Why Bitch? Why cant we just kill you??"
"Ummm...cuz yall hate each other. You dont hate me..."
"But you lied to us...your gonna die honkey!!"
"Oh #..."

At that moment bullets start flying in Jesus Tap Dancing Christs direction. He taps and taps trying to step out of the way of the bullets and deflect them away. As he taps the bullets are hitting his feet and flying back to the shooter, killing them.

He gets a bit tired and slows down a bit, inadvertently missing a step, and getting shot in the leg. Blood squirts everywhere as Jesus Tap Dancing Christ tries to dodge the bullets.

Theres only a few gang members left, so Jesus Tap Dancing Christ grabs the nearest Uzi and lets it rip. They start dropping like flies as another bullet strikes him in his left arm.

"God Damn You All!!! And Since I am Him...your all #ED!!!"

He uses his last bit of energy to do a Matrix Style bullet time shooting. You see the waves that trail behind the bullets go slowly by his head as he lets off the remaining rounds in his clip. The all strike right on target. He then goes FLYING into the wall behind him, embedding himself a foot in. He gets out and sees 1 person left standing. Its the head of the Bloods.

"Your gonna get it now bitch!"
*Puts the gun up to Jesus Tap Dancing Christ's head and pulls the trigger*
"Oh #!!"

Jesus then does a running start and dives into the Bloods' stomach. He starts spazzing out, and explodes in brilliant white light. The end of the Crips and Bloods.

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ now lay in the middle of the Community Center floor bleeding heavily. Buddy Buddha runs in and holds Jesus' head.

"WHY?!?!?!?!?!"
"Buddha...If I dont make it...tell my wife I love her"
"Wife? Your married?? Shiiiit"
"Yes Im married...if you look at the clues...you can tell who it is."

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ passes out and his heart stops beating.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Yells Buddy Buddha.

What Will Become of Jesus Tap Dancing Christ?? Will He Die? Will He Live?? Stay Tuned For...

...Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and the Pending Cancellation!!!

Oh yeah...thats right...another new Episode!!!

Enjoy...
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Episode 3: Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and the Pending Cancellation

We continue our story in the middle of the Inglewood Community Center. Buddy Buddha is holding Jesus Tap Dancing Christ's head in his hands.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Yells Buddy Buddha.

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ's heart hasnt beaten in over 5 minutes, he just lays there lifeless. Buddy Buddha starts crying over his lost friend. At that moment Buddy Buddha feels somebody tapping on his shoulder. Its a ghost!

"Oogily Boogily BOO!!!!!!"
"HOLY #!!!!" *Buddy Buddha craps his pants*
"Hah!! its just me" *The ghost removes the mask he was wearing* "I scare ya??"
"Hell yeah. What are you doing there? Resurrect already so we can go."
"Fine, I just had to go scare Bush while I was still dead."

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ hovers over his dead body, and floats back in. The wounds of the body are healed and the body is restored to perfect health. He jumps up and grabs the flask out of the inside of his cloak and takes a swig.

"God thats good. Come Buddy Buddha, we must go to HollyWood and meet with Satan...errr...the Execs at FOX"

Right then Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and Buddy Buddha fly into the sky and head towards HollyWood.

Once there they flag down a taxi. Guess who it is!!! Thats right...its our good friend Ganesh.

"Yo. Whats up homies? Where you goin?"
"Hey. Nothin much, just goin to see Satan...Damnit...I mean Fox"
"Heh...okay. Buckle Up"

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, Buddy Buddha and Ganesh drive along until the reach the gates of Fox Studios.

"Thatll be 29$"
"Oh hell no"
"Pay up bucko"
"No"
*Ganesh pulls out a gun* "Youll gonna pay me, plus a gracious tip"
"Fine Fine fine" *Jesus pays up*

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and Buddy Buddha walk through the gates of Fox Studios.

"My Buddha senses are tingling"
"Eww...yuck. Keep things like that to yourself"
"No, you sick bastard, I sense Evil among us"
"Yeah...its Fox"
"But..."
"its FOX!!!"
"Right..Right...Right..."

They head up to the door and head in. They take the elevator up to the top floor, to the CEOs office and have to wait outside in the waiting room. A receptionist came out and told them that the Executives would see them now. Being in kind of a hurry cuz Buddy Buddha had to use the bathroom, they run in. Buddy Buddha runs into the bathroom, leaky as he went.

"Well boys, what did yall call us here for??"
"We're sorry to inform you, but your show isnt getting as many viewers as we expected. We're gonna have to cancel you."
"What?? NO!! I'll do whatever it takes. Anything"
"Well...will you be able to move into a house of blood thirsty lions for a week?"
"Nawwww...what else?"
"Would you be willing to let us videotape you taking craps for the rest of the year??"
"What the # is wrong with you guys...NO...anything else??"
*sees Buddy Buddha walk in* "Umm...what if you and Buddy Buddha started dating??"
"Do it...Do it...Do it..." mutters Buddy Buddha
"Okay, you guys are #ed in the head. What if I can get the viewers up?? Can I keep the show??"
"Sure, but you have...*dun dun DUN!!!*...7 days to get a million viewers to watch your show."
"Fine...come Buddy Buddha"

Our trailblazing Diety Duo have some work to do to get 1 Million Viewers to watch their show. Its not gonna be easy, but Buddy Buddha will be doing most of the work.

Day 1:
"Yo...Buddha...wanna hit this #"
"No...im already blitzed outta my skull"

Day 2:
"Come on Thunderbolt!!! Go Thunderbolt!!!"
"The winner is...SaltLicker!!!!" Blares the Speakers
"#!!! There goes my lunch money"

Day 3:
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Day 4:
"Maybe we should get some work done to get this show up to 1 Million Viewers??"
"Why Jesus? We got 3 days left"
"Your right...pass me a beer"

Day 5:
Jesus Tap Dancing Christ is throwing pencils at the cieling. While Buddy Buddha is passed out on the couch next to him.

Day 6:
"Whoa. We only have 1 day left. Maybe we should do something now."
"We could...OR...we could go to that new strip joint over on Third."
"Your so smart Buddha...thats why I made you my sidekick"

Day 7:
TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Stay Tuned for...

...Episode 4: Jesus Christ and the Crap Videotaping

Very.. err.. interesting story.

I look forward to the next episode.

This ones a bit shorter, and a bit more disugsting, but its late and I wanted to get it done.

Enjoy...
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Episode 4: Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and the Crap Videotaping

It is now Day 7 of Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and Buddy Buddha's journey to get 1 Million Viewers to watch their show. Theyve slacked the last 6 days by smoking weed, getting drunk, and slipping singles into a Strippers GString. BUt now it is time to buckle down and get this done.

"Hmmmm...you got any ideas??"
"Nooo...damn my head hurts"
"Why couldnt I just let them videotape me taking #s??"
"Whoda thunk youd have morals??"
"Shut the hell up!!"

They head back to FOX studios in Hollywood to tell them that theyve failed their first try to get their show back.

"Fine...you can videotape me taking craps and turn it into a reality TV show. If only itll let my show stay on the air."
"You sir, have got a deal."
"Yer damn right we better have a #in deal..." Mumbles Jesus Tap Dancing Christ where the Execs couldnt hear him
"What was that??"
"I said Your damn right we better have a #in deal!"

They settle on a deal that they get to videotape Jesus Tap Dancing Christ taking a dump only once a day, and no more. They shake on it and walk out. Buddy Buddha trails behind because hes stealing all the little bottles of liquor from the refridgerator. Unless you havent noticed by now...Buddy Buddha is a drugged up alcoholic.

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ runs into the bathroom at the end of the hall to get todays crap done with so he can get on with his day. He unzips his pants and sits down. Then he noticed the camera peering over the top of the stall to catch a look.

"God damn it..."

Jesus sits there whistling the tune to "Shut Your #ing Face Uncle#er" while the camera watches him do his business.

"Whoever the # thought of this is a serious sick #! Awwww..."

Jesus cleans up and pulls up his pants. He deliberately hits the stall door, hitting the cameraman and making him drop the camera into the toilet. Of course the camera was plugged into an outlet for better charging. The cameraman lost his balance on the toilet seat and his foot slipped and landed in the toilet. At that moment he got electricuted, killing him instantly.

"what a shame...he could have gone places. Like HELL!!!"

He and Buddy Buddha fly home to see the show that they had just recorded.

"What time does it come on??"
"They said at 8:00...so it should be on in..."
"WATCH JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST TAKE A CRAP...EVERYDAY!!!!!"
"Well...thats been sovled."
"Lets see how my crap went today."

The TV shows Jesus Tap Dancing Christ sitting on the can for 5 minutes straight. You hear the occasional fart or moan from Jesus, but all in all its boring. It didnt get exciting until the Cameraman died and you got to see the death closeup.

*Ring* *Ring* *Ring*
"Hello?"
"Jesus!!! We got over 1.2 Million Viewers watching your show!!!"
"What the flying #?? It was just me taking a #!!"
"The people LOVED it!! They want more!!!"
"And I died for their sins?? God damn it...Seriously...GOD?!?! Damn It now!! Damn it straight to hell!!!"
*Click*

Buddy Buddha goes over to Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and slaps hand with him and tells him that it was a good show. But now they have to start their regular show again. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ & Buddy Buddha aka The Deity Duo!!!

Stay Tuned For...

...Jesus Tap Dancing Christ and His Baby's Mama!!

Very good bud!

Such a great story!! So SO SO!! Funny

Prime-time quality material there sir . lol that was pretty good!!

Yeah, If I was FOX I would hire you.

(Better then the crap writers they have now )

Originally posted by MacKiller
Very good bud!

It must be


Seriously, JTDC is perhaps the best idea for a protagonist I've seen in my life, and you've run with it a lot further than I ever would have. I look forward to Episode 5...

Originally posted by MacKiller
(Better then the crap writers they have now

)

Hah! Isn't that the truth!

A new episode will be coming soon. Iv been to busy to write it. But I got the idea for it already in my head.

Looking forward to the next one

Originally posted by MemoryShock

Looking forward to the next one

I second that, looking forward to it

Can't wait for the next chapter.

Now I just have to make a story about Mohammad to rival yours! Look out, you've got competition!

I'm kidding by the way. Good story. After reading it, I can assuredly tell you that you're going to hell . j/k

Very dark... I hope you don't quit your DAY job!??