Paying the rent? 50/50?

reply to post by Dalbeck


That is a big problem indeed.
I think that you should start with closing the account you have now, and open a new one in another bank. Unless you feel to talk to your MLs superiors.
Do something to get her to show her true colors.

reply to post by Dalbeck


If I did the conversion correctly. that is only about $200 a month US Dollars. Even for a year, it is a lot less than an engagement ring - ha ha.

In New Zealand you are legally entitled to half of EVERYTHING your GF/BF has after only two years if you live together. I'm not saying that's fair - but it certainly makes people think twice. 150 Euros seems like peanuts compared to that.

But I'm starting to think money isn't the issue at all - it keeps coming back to what you see as her over-involved mother. That is probably an issue worth seeing a counselor about. Especially after you've both invested over 7 years in this relationship already. If she is over-involved: you will both need help drawing boundaries.

Originally posted by LiberalSceptic
reply to post by Dalbeck

 

That is a big problem indeed.
I think that you should start with closing the account you have now, and open a new one in another bank. Unless you feel to talk to your MLs superiors.
Do something to get her to show her true colors.

Yeah you may be right about it. I thought about it just yesterday. And I always had the feeling she already checked up on my finances....

Originally posted by ovumcranium
reply to post by Dalbeck

 

If I did the conversion correctly. that is only about $200 a month US Dollars. Even for a year, it is a lot less than an engagement ring - ha ha.

In New Zealand you are legally entitled to half of EVERYTHING your GF/BF has after only two years if you live together. I'm not saying that's fair - but it certainly makes people think twice. 150 Euros seems like peanuts compared to that.

But I'm starting to think money isn't the issue at all - it keeps coming back to what you see as her over-involved mother. That is probably an issue worth seeing a counselor about. Especially after you've both invested over 7 years in this relationship already. If she is over-involved: you will both need help drawing boundaries.

Wow Never heard of such an obligation before!

Sure, 150 € seem like peanuts compared to that but I can't apply it here in Germany. The living standard is quite high and so are the rates for the rent where we live. I just want to say I have some standards concerning the place/ apartment I live in. I don't want to move into an apartment with her which is even smaller than the one I'm living in right now just because she obviously (okay let's say after her mum's opinion) can't afford it, you feel me?

reply to post by Dalbeck

Yeah you may be right about it. I thought about it just yesterday. And I always had the feeling she already checked up on my finances....

It is one thing to share your economic situation with your girlfriend, but her mother should most certainly be kept out of it...
I have a feeling your girlfriend moved in with you to "get away" from her mother?
Seems in that case it did not work, and that the both of you will end up with her opinions in your lives.
Be consistent and straightforward from the beginning with your ML that your life is your life.

Originally posted by LiberalSceptic

It is one thing to share your economic situation with your girlfriend, but her mother should most certainly be kept out of it...
I have a feeling your girlfriend moved in with you to "get away" from her mother?
Seems in that case it did not work, and that the both of you will end up with her opinions in your lives.
Be consistent and straightforward from the beginning with your ML that your life is your life.

edit on 14-10-2011 by LiberalSceptic because: (no reason given)

Yes, you're absolutely right. But before I got to know my gf I didn't even know her mother was working on the executive floor of my credit bank ^^

I would love to keep her out of our "businesses" but she still gives "advice" to her daughter, it really ain't that easy And... I never thought she would be such a person, she was always a nice person to be around with but now she obviously shows her true face... My gf's dad is silent about the issue...

What bothers me the most is we didn't even found a fitting apartment yet and yet she (ML) comes up with advice how to spend our money on the rent.

reply to post by Dalbeck


Well start then with changing bank.
That will clearly show your ML that you do not consent with her behavior.
But still she is your girlfriends mother, so do not forget to treat her with respect.

Obviously, you're not in a committed relationship. If you were, you'd have a joint account, pool your resources, pay your bills, decide what to save, and enjoy the rest.

With good intentions, I made that mistake in my first marriage. The reason we had separate accounts and split everything was because her former boyfriend was a scofflaw and took advantage of her. I wanted to ensure she did not think that about me and was very careful to pay my share, even to the point of who made what long distance call. This evolved over the years, but it was still a "This is mine; that is yours" kind of attitude. My car I paid for; her car she paid for. My savings account separate from hers.

We never really integrated our lives, and eventually the whole thing fell apart. It's my belief you are headed down the same path. Not only are you not together financially, you also don't like it that she listens to her mother. I gotta tell ya, you ain't seen nothing yet. And if you have a kid, everything changes. Do you expect her to pay half when she's home looking after the kid? I'm thinking you ought to bail, myself, but good luck. Hope things turn out well for you whatever your decision.

Whomever pays less, does more of the household chores, simple as that...problem solved.

Thx for your answers guys, I'll keep you updated

Had a conversation last weekend about this issue and for now it seems, we'll be going the 40/60 route, but as Gazrock stated she is responsible for some little more things in the household (she has more free time than me anyway, so it's okay )

reply to post by Dalbeck


Excellent! I hope things work out for everyone!

Originally posted by Dalbeck

Originally posted by ovumcranium
Splitting per income percentage seems most fair.

And....How important is your girlfriend to you? How much do you want her to live with you? Because everytime you have this argument, it says to a woman that those extra $25 or whatever are more important than she is. Expecially if you are the one who makes a lot more money than she does.

Not real encouraged about your long-term.

To be honest the idea for moving together was initiated by my gf, I'm fine with our current situation (living in different apartments; we spend every Wednesday and the weekends together) and I'm also fine with moving together even though it was not my initial idea.

But: it's really hard for me to comprehend why I should pay more just because I have better paid job. 25$ (okay € where I live

) would not be a problem - not at all, but I think she is about a 40%/ 60% situation (which is about ~150 €/ month more for me to pay for the rent, just do the math for one year...).

I love her wihtout a doubt and I don't want the "lovely" money to be such a big issue for our future buuuut: I had to put A LOT of effort(s) into getting the job I have and being in the (fortunate) position I'm in now and I can tell you it's not by chance.

I think it's open for her to get a better job OR for her mum, if she doensn't want her daughter to "suffer from less money", to give her daughter some money.

Bottom line: I love her, but do I have to "suffer" just because I have a better paid job than her?

My solution at the moment would be: Talking to my gf, without her parents (esp. her mum) of course, propose the 50/50 thing, and IF my gf is badly off and can't afford some pairs of new jeans, I of course am willing to get her the clothes.

edit on 14/10/11 by Dalbeck because: (no reason given)

edit on 14/10/11 by Dalbeck because: (no reason given)

My friend, if you worked hard and sacrificed yourself to have that job with a good pay, then you are entitled to enjoy all the benefits that it gives you. Don't let anybody tell you differently.

reply to post by Jepic


By that same token though, a relationship is a partnership, and it isn't right for one to suffer needlessly, when there are other ways to resolve the differences. For example, if one has more money to give, and the other has more time, no reason an amicable agreement can't be reached...one that works for all parties involved.

Sounds like their 60 / 40 + more chores split will work out good for them.

Originally posted by Gazrok
reply to post by Jepic

 

By that same token though, a relationship is a partnership, and it isn't right for one to suffer needlessly, when there are other ways to resolve the differences. For example, if one has more money to give, and the other has more time, no reason an amicable agreement can't be reached...one that works for all parties involved.

Sounds like their 60 / 40 + more chores split will work out good for them.

Sound like a good deal to me too.

OH MY GOD!!!

The conversation about the rent has reached a totally new level, you won't believe it...

So yesterday we paid a second visit to an apartment which my gf and me casted a glance at.

Mother in law wanted to see it too and after the round tour I said let's talk about the rent... She again stated it's only fair for me to pay more since I earn more money than her daughter. So I was like, okay, so you're working in the credit bank, give me your idea.

She was like: "Okay, here's the best idea for you both: both of you throw in 30 % of your wages and *maybe* that's exactly the rent."

I struggled to breathe I can tell ya....

ML: "How do you imagine otherwise? She has to pay the bills for her insurances, she wants to get clothes, she has to pay the gas and taxes for her car... And of course she wants to put some money aside..."

Uuuuummmm, HELLO?! I too have to pay bills for insurances, my car, want to get new clothes now and then ect..

So back home I got my calculator and "calculated her idea"- BOOM, there it was, I got my confirmation she looks into my bank account: 30% of my salary + 30% of my gf's salary is EXACTLY the rent....

And it's A LOT less rent for my gf than I would have to pay, in fact yhe would never get an apartment for this little money she would have to pay after my ML's idea....

I just outta words right now and my bloodpressure had been in space by yesterday evening, for now it's all good and I will talk to my gf today and tell her I will finish any discussions about a mutual apartment if her mother intervenes any time in the future... I'm done...

50-50 is for roommates.
You know.....Where you mark the milk level with a sharpie and check it when you get home?
Where you count the cans of tuna fish once a week.
Sit down with the bills and argue about who take longer showers?

Are you roommates?
You're married without papers. Pay a fair percentage.

reply to post by spacedoubt


You're right about it and I'm willing to pay more for the rent, but you know, her mother's idea to take our salaries as a basis is utter bull**** to me, sorry. I'm definitely not willing to pay that kind of rent 1.) just because her mother wants to impose how much I have to pay and 2.) the rate of my gf's part of the rent would be so damn low that she couldn't even afford a one-room-apartment alone.

There has to be any solution but my ML's idea is definitely absurd.

Originally posted by schuyler
Obviously, you're not in a committed relationship. If you were, you'd have a joint account, pool your resources, pay your bills, decide what to save, and enjoy the rest.

Hi Skyler,

it's something I just can't do - for now. I thought about it too, and to be honest I feel very sorry for my gf because she is really in trouble right now - me on the end of the rope and her mother on the other end.

I just can't do it, but that's also a "modern problem" in my opinion. One can't be sure if the relationship still works after some years living together, I guess I'm just handicapped by befiended couples who pooled their money and then it was over and the "real war" began. So in a case if it's over there are clear "borders" and no one would have to have a bad conscience (like "oh I paid more rent than you over the years" "and I paid for this and that") you feel me.

I moved in with my partner 5 years ago. He has always paid for everything at of his wages. I buy the food and pay for holidays and buy nice things for the house. I pay for my own car but he always pays for the tax, which I think is really sweet of him. I work but do all the housework as he works hard and I appreciate all he does for financial gain. I have offered many times to contribute to the bills but he says I financially contribute by making the home look nice.We both have separate accounts but we both can view them at any time. I think you should revise moving in together as you already have too many issues and a third party involved in your affairs.

Originally posted by sussy
I think you should revise moving in together as you already have too many issues and a third party involved in your affairs.

Hey Sussy,

thx for your kind words!

Yeah at this point I'm really thinking about revising our idea of moving together... I'll have a convo with my ML and gf this evening, so we'll see how it works out...

reply to post by schuyler


I agree with you 100%.

I am in a committed relationship where my income is considerably more than his, but it is never an issue as all our wages go into one account to which we both have debit cards. In turn all our bills go out of the same account. We do not have any separate bills/accounts. In past relationships, it has always been the same ( I wouldn't move in with someone I wasn't fully committed too so..)

I find that in England, where I currently live, people are more inclined to have separate finances. Even my in laws, after 25 years of marriage have everything separately, it's weird. My first 33 years were spent in the The US and I can't think of anyone who had separate finances whilst in a committed relationship.

To each his own I guess.