The last chapter to my story

I know this sound strange for me to say and you wont see this but you are probbably at one of the most exciting points in your life. Feeling like you dont care anymore and about anyone you are free. Free to make any choice solely depending on you not having to consider anyone else. Find out who you are and what you want to be if you make mistakes only you will be affected. Find yourself.

I`ve registered to this site just so I can post this...
All I can say is, I have had same experiences as you. Mentally, I was depressed, hopeless, and the world was well #. I have no friends, no job, no career goal, and no volunteer experience. Fat, lazy, depressed and emotionally unstable, I did not want to do a single thing. I reflected my past like an ancient sage and gleamed at my future prospects through my memory.

I did not find a single answer. None.

As for my life, I`ve always self-destructed, every year, under heavy pressure from either friends or work. Like a trash, friends left me because I was odd, erratic, and obnoxious around them but thinking back, I could not have it any other way because..that was me and that`s not something I should hate.

I understand why I must retain myself once again if I were to live on. I could kill myself this instance, I could. I still think about them occasionally. Jumping off my university tower, running infront of the bus, drowning myself, cut my throat with a knife, hanging, jumping anywhere, hitting my head, etc. If I had the courage, I told myself, I could do it. I could and still can, if I had the courage. Yet, I find myself incapable and then proceeded to blame myself even more. How sad, I thought, how pathetic.

depression is endless cycle of hopelessness. You don`t even know when you are depressed from the beginning. I didn`t know, honestly, until symptoms of multiple headache, left and right frontal lobe, rushing blood flood in my brain began to top up EVERY day. I could not concentrate, I could not effectively study my subjects, thus leading to eventual decline in marks and other opportunities. My relations with my roommates deteriorated like a falling leaf and I began to hate them everyway possible.

Every now and then I think about it. I am thinking about it right now. I remember when my friend sold me out and gave my money to a person whom I despised, because I somehow damaged..his car...by kicking it slightly to the left. I still think about how my roommate nicely asked me to exchange $10 gift certificate for cash value...I do not understand any of it why.

I could flee from such thoughts.

I could abandon my depressive symptoms.

I could however bare the pain and remain depressed.

I could kill myself to liberate my mind.

But none of them accounts for this one truth I`ve come to recognize.
Hate is easy. It lingers in mind. Bitterness is casual. Pictures your world.

Why do I feel so bitter about money
it`s just money

yet I still feel bitter.

What can I do

there is nothing you can do

Bitterness is part of your conscience, your mind, and your world.

Positive thoughts are contradictory to bitterness.

So what can I do

Do I blame my friends

do I blame myself

do I blame my failure to be `normal`

Here is something I wrote a few days ago in my note to remind myself what I am about and what I must be, despite the realities of my world.

``I know this might sound corny. In my mind, it is but to live on and ignore my despair, I must do this to live and make a better future. Depression is hell, hell is ENDLESS. It does not end, it prospers in you if you remain in it. Realities are what you make of it and it is the truth, but you must think. Think. People say domination and power. People also say love and forgiveness. One says those two cannot go together. People say sadness is wrong and we should not be depressed. Well, why can`t we have it all. Why can`t we both hate and love, in harmony. Dominate your world with love. Dominate with power for the sole purpose of positive aspects. Dominate your emotions with single trait of love. Retain your bitterness, jealousy, and out of control mindset. ``

It is not easy. I came across many difficulties with myself and my mind. Often I wanted to swear and insult others, knife them if I must, but those are temporary. I fight my battles carefully now, in my mind, and I know this sounds so..corny but to us, depressed, hopeless, and pathetic idiots who are parasites to the society, this is our final defense. I recognize my role and my position. it is not great but I am still human with mind and soul just like others. we don`t want to be alone, but we are alone--in our mind. We want to laugh, cheer, and enjoy things many people enjoy. we want to become part of this joy and embrace everything that this world has to offer. Yet, we are nothing.

Still, We want it.

I can give you a few steps to help yourself but you must do them with care.
No outburst of joy should accompany this. Vulnerability is first of many we have and we should embrace it.

1. Turn off your internet. read books, ANY books.

2. Write a journal or note book to detail out your mind

3. understand and appreciate your bitterness. do not hate it. do not hate yourself and your mind. embrace it. love to embrace it and move on.

we should do this together if you are desiring.

Cont:
Bare in mind, soaking yourself with worldly videos and music will not help you, until the late stages of the depression. Honestly. Get out and be free. Do not participate in anything except your mind. First couple days will be tough as HELL but it will get better.

meditation isn`t just meditating, it is your lifestyle and your world.

Stop watching anime.
Stop watching movies.
Stop reading anything on internet after this.

I am very serious and I know what this is to you. Being trapped in your dark reality is the last thing you should do.
Take an opportunity to get yourself out of it.

Freeing your mind will present many opportunities to you. First, it offered me freedom of anxiety. Anxiety is the biggest issue. You must be careful how you trend this water. Do not ignore anxiety, do not FIGHT IT either. I did that 2 years ago and now I suffer from permanent headaches in my left and right frontal brain...like I said before. Anxiety will cripple your memory, as it did to mine. This is what many people forget about anxiety and depression. IT IS serious and victims, like myself, never know of it until it finally reached the peak of its hellish features. When I would do manual tasks, such as peeling potatoes, I would sudden lose perfect vision and blurr in my mind...It is not a melting feeling nor peaceful wave of mind, but confused and lost, chaotic mind set. It happened so often that I honestly did not think I was alive anymore.

again, depression is serious... I hope you understand this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Some of us are made great, some of us are born great, and some of us are just pathetic and that is the reality. I`ve had great potential since my high school but I turned out pathetic in the end.

I am 21. i could tell more but it would be extremely private. If you want my story with everything in detail (my mother`s reaction to my depression, my family`s attitude towards me while I caved in my room for 10 month, etc), I would write one for you.

we should swim this out together. I know I do not know you or know for sure if you are telling the truth but if you are, I am willing, in fact, hoping to walk this out with you until i die in peace.

reply to post by ThinkingNothing


Sorry to hear about all of that and actually If you read some of my other threads my story is a little different. I'm not exactly a loser to society, But I feel like one because people will never really see me for who I really am. I used to womanize and show off, Fight all the time and act tough (I only did this because it was the only way of life I knew). I guess I grew up and I fell in Love a couple of years ago that's when the full grown depression came into effect.

Everyone ditched me when I was in my time of need and I'll never forgive them for that, I left all my friends and cut off all communications with the girl. It seems like it's a never ending cycle and no matter how much I care about people and try and be nice everyone out there is just self centered.

Why me? I still don't understand It's like I got this black cloud over my head, Nothing ever ever and I mean ever works out for me anymore. No matter how hard I try and how much effort I put into it. It seems like I will always remain the villain even when I'm right and when I do good things. Maybe I have a negative energy to me......My life has completely changed. I chose to stall away from socializing with large numbers of people, I say Hey and that's it, No conversations. I talk to a few friends actually 3 to be exact, These guys always had my back through the thick and thin and I return the favor.

I'm not about to chicken out, Well at least not in the next 2 months. I'll fight back until I have no energy left in me. I will fight back until people realize I was telling the truth about everything (I call it like I see it). I can barely sleep these days.

You have the power within you to make yourself and your life what you want it to be.