The last chapter to my story

reply to post by Heartisblack


I prayed every night for 3 years straight and nothing happened. God doesn't help me, meanwhile the devil is out playing with my soul. I don't pray anymore...................God gave up on me.

I'm so beat down, To a point I'm not scared of showing my pic on ATS anymore, I don't care what anyone says.

reply to post by Serizawa


I apologize Serizawa for your unyielding emotions.

I have frequented this site since I 1999 or so. I was 12 when I first became fascinated with the concept of alternative news and topics. And thus I have gone through many dark periods of perpetual depression and angst as uncovered more and more. I think it's part of becoming an adult, you realize the world isn't a safe place by any means. However; there are those who become adults and decide to leave it at that. They get a job, make a living, and do what they are told to do. Then there are those who supercede maturity and attempt to find "the deeper meaning".

The fact is, you have been made to believe that there is a grand scheme to control you and your life (from those of the white and black as you so aptly described). This is an illusion. The belief I hold dearest is as follows; while the TPTB are seemingly undergoing a network of planned conspiracies, the grandest one of them all is that they are all tripping one another up. You aren't in control of your own destiny, and neither is anyway one else. Good luck.

Embrace that chaos that exists and you will be better off then those who rely on consistency. Change is the only thing that is consistent.

reply to post by htilonom


There's no way I can embrace the chaos, That would make me a machine, Not human. My sister got no job she got a kid with no source of income, My big brother sold drugs and is now totally screwed (He's HIV positive) no job, My cousin killed himself a year ago, My dad won't talk to me and my mom tells me I should kill myself every time we talk. Forget TPTB I'm concerned about those closest to me.

reply to post by Serizawa

I can relate to what you are feeling better than most out there. I too feel the pain you speak of, feel the sense of being lost, the sense of nothing matters anymore. Each day is a struggle and no matter the combination of meds the psychiatrist prescribes, nothing gets easier or better. The pain of the past shaping and affecting the future. You aren't alone in how you feel. While words typed on a computer can't change your mindset just know that you aren't alone.

reply to post by Serizawa


And the loneliness ? It never gets any better, I keep writing and keep pushing myself but nothing's working.
I am a mess, then you see happy people on the street and want to tear out their throats with our bare fingers. I just don't care any more. I just don't, I have nothing to lose if I decided to end it all. Nothing

reply to post by Serizawa


Hi....I think that you need forgiveness in your life.......you need to forgive yourself....and do not let your past actions define who you are today.....forgive yourself and then others....and move on...to what you want to do with the rest of your life. And...by the way...just because your forgive others...does not mean you have to hang out with them.

As far as your relatives go.....ask yourself this question...."if these people were not my relatives...would I like them,,,choose to be around them...are they people I need to be around?" The answer may be no....just because you are blood related does not mean that you have to have a relationship with them.

And...by the way....just in case you may be thinking of it...(suicide) is not an option.....just around the corner in your life may be the moment you are looking for.

Many of us at ATS care about you...as one human to another. Please don't give up.

Serizawa,
You probably have a low thyroid, to be cold like that. I can totally relate because I have felt that I was dying of my condition. It makes you feel dead, to have an under active thyroid. Cold blood is an accurate description of how I felt for years, as the medical doctors would not treat my condition or admit that I was suffering.
A monster only a mother could love, and even that is iffy. I relate. Untreated, minimized by others, a sufferer can seethe for years until the damage to his body becomes permanent.
Some suffer from before birth. Look up some pictures of a "cretin". Genuine freaks, the are unfortunate deformed people whose mothers for some reason had a damaged or non existent thyroid gland. How would you relate to being physically different and to never maturing sexually? Then you might feel better about your own situation.
The road back to normal energy begins with research. Our mainstream science is flawed, so it is a dry hole for those who are running cold and paranoid on an undiagnosed low thyroid. Science is against iodine now.
Did I mention that I was so paranoid I thought things were talking to me, like walls and trees? I have been tested with a very high IQ, and I was considered brainy and really nice, balanced and cheerful. Untreated, the neurological effects of iodine deficiency and a low thyroid can amount to a seeming disease. The simple effect of an under active thyroid and an iodine deficiency leads to monstrous choices, made out of lifelong and debilitating depression. Depression is a symptom of an iodine deficiency and a low thyroid.
Psychology is no help for a thyroid condition. The cure is iodine and natural dessicated thyroid, ideally. A lesser solution is the synthetic thyroid replacement drug, sinthroid. Even "crapthroid" could get you out of a depression. Even your regular doctor could test for your thyroid condition, and then prescribe the synthetic drug. That could help you change how you feel now! It could buy you some time till your depression would recede like a tide, revealing to you the actual issues you need to correct.
The problems I had limited my own scope so badly that my choices were severely curtailed, not by others, by by my own skewed vision. It gets worse before it gets better. Check out some information on iodine and its uses in medicine before 1950. Modern medicine does not bother with using the element iodine for everything we suffer from. Now, a multitude of drugs still can not do what a few drops a day of iodine can. I am not adding links as it is a jungle you must be prepared to cut through with your own research. You need to find Dr. Guy Abraham's articles, Mary Shoman, yahoo group save natural thyroid, etc. Good luck!
inner570

reply to post by Heartisblack


Yeah watching people experiment with both genders will trying out every single drug that comes into their path. Singing along and obeying every empty sentence that comes out of a Loudspeaker. The pain is too much to bare. I tried ending my life three times but some how my body just doesn't give up.

Location: Nation of Suicide

My father was an abusive SOB, my mother ditched me when I was a baby, and because of extreme poverty we moved around alot and I was always the new kid. I was terribly overweight for alot of my childhood so I was picked on incessantly. Somehow, I made it through all that though and everything turned out alright in the end.
You're not the only one with problems and you're not the only one that suffers life, everybody else in the world is just as miserable at times and they get through their day the same as you do, it's called life, and it's not an easy road to travel, for anybody, ever.
Realize it or not, you have the ability to change your situation and your perspective on the things and people around you, you're the only one that can. In the time it took you to type this self wallowing, you could have done any number of things to improve yourself. I'm sorry to sound this way, but 'suicidal' is a pathetic euphemism for "I quit". Happiness isn't external, it doesn't come from anything but yourself. If you're looking to find it, that's your problem, and dwelling on your own misery only breeds more misery.

Originally posted by Serizawa
reply to post by Heartisblack

 

I prayed every night for 3 years straight and nothing happened. God doesn't help me, meanwhile the devil is out playing with my soul. I don't pray anymore...................God gave up on me.

This may be a little hard to understand, but... I believe that God has almost always let the devil run the world. Whenever a tsunami hits, or a hurricane, a flash flood, a bear-mauling attack, birth defects, epidemics, everyone always says, "How could God do that?" I've always wondered why people don't instead ask, "Why is God letting Satan do this to us?" After all, there's a whole book of the Bible devoted to exactly that (Job). Fortunately, I think I have an answer: The Meaning Of Life.

How do you make steel stronger? You temper it, heat it to incredible temperatures. I doubt the steel "likes" it very much, but it definitely improves it, and the steel is "happier" afterwards despite the pain required to get there... just like Job was happier once God was done letting Satan have his way with him. God used Satan to purify Job, to temper him, to make him more spiritual; it wasn't a test. God never needs to test anyone; he knows exactly who and what we all are. Strengthening Job's faith was the goal, and/or proving a point to Satan.

Now think what would've happened if Job had given up in the middle of his ordeal, if he'd killed himself or spurned God or otherwise pulled himself out of the fire. His transformation would've been incomplete. He would have been far less useful to God then (and to himself). And when I say "he," I mean his soul, his spirit, the REAL Job, not that bag of bones sitting in ashes and sackcloth. His soul is what was strengthened; his body didn't matter whatsoever. Our bodies are merely the desks we sit in in the School Of Life. That's all life is: a school where we get tempered. If you drop out early without graduating, game over. You Lose. Eternally. Period.

So hang in there. The miseries of your few years here will become a distant memory over the next infinity years if you graduate. It sounds like you once believed in God. Consider re-connecting with him. Don't expect "answers" to prayer, either. Your course curriculum is set in stone. Everything you experience is just another lesson towards getting your degree. Life 101.

Just bear in mind: the bad things are not God's doing. He's merely using the devil as your teacher, and he certainly has not given up on you. You just need to listen differently to hear him. The simple fact that you are experiencing adversity means you mean something to him; otherwise, you'd just be sailing through life without a care in the world, like a Rothschild or something. Those guys... man, are they doomed...

ETA: I forgot to include a pertinent verse of scripture, Daniel 12:10. Daniel is discussing the End Times with God, his prophecies, and God says, "Many shall be purified, and made white, and tried; but the wicked shall do wickedly: and none of the wicked shall understand; but the wise shall understand." So I hope you understand.

Originally posted by Serizawa
reply to post by Heartisblack

 

.......Two wrongs don't make a right.

Very true. However, three rights make a left. You need a new avenue. There has to be something you like that can be expaned on.

MOTF!

reply to post by caladonea


My family has always functioned like a business, It's always been about the capital. I don't need to hang around such people and at the end of the day all they do is use me.

I haven't done anything wrong therefore I see no point in forgiving myself. Even If I do move on I'm just going to be the same old depressed and lonely me. I'm done with relationships and I feel no lust, I'm like a walking corpse. My girlfriend is changing just like anyone else and shes the reason I've tried to hang on for so long. And yes I've tried it 3 times now.

reply to post by inner570


Hey maybe your right my hands are as cold as slabs of marble left out overnight.

reply to post by Thought Provoker


If I remember clearly, Job lost his family and after the 'test' his family was replaced and he got twice as much. How would you feel if God took away your family tonight and gave you a new family tomorrow? That would be a way of taunting you. I don't buy that story, No one can replace the people I loved.

reply to post by Serizawa


You didn't lie, nobody in heaven and earth could replace my family. They could give me all the riches in the world.

It is only my opinion, but you need something greater than yourself, something that you can give yourself over to. Firstly, you mentioned you want off of the medication; for what ever that is worth I don't know why you don't just consult a physician and have them walk you through the process (in increments). You are an adult and you can do what you please, but you need guidance if this pertains to your body/mind requiring these meds.

With any sort of recovery, you have to have something greater than yourself, be it GOD/Spirit or even the Love of a woman/man, (however it would help if it is reciprocated first). Sometimes you need to find those less fortunate and give of yourself. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, at a "Big Brother/Big Sister" function or even on some other level. Visit inmates in prison if you have to; console yourself through the eyes of others who are less fortunate.

It sounds as if you have reached that level in that you believe the Demons and what they are telling you; Don't! This is only a point of conviction! You decide, you take control, besides who doesn't get pleasure in seeing personal Demons fail? Who doesn't like to torment the tormentor?

Be Proud of your multicultural Genetics! You are a Hybrid of Quality and of Beauty; a Creation of GOD.

If you want a self-help book, I would recommend "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron, she has a book that not only opens you to your personal Creative side, but one that helps you with the Demons that possess us and limit us!

The Artist's Way!

Her website is more than just the book, take a look! I suspect you are an Artist through and through; who else would a Demon want to possess than the "best of us"!

Good luck Man! Life is a long long lonely road even in the most crowded rooms!

reply to post by Serizawa

There's no telling what sort of people Job's family was. They could've all been evil at heart. We have no way of knowing anyone's true nature, or what they'll do in the future. What if his wives were conspiring with his kids to murder him and steal everything he had (which was, you'll recall, A LOT), and God stopped them in their tracks by letting Satan do his thing? We never have any way of knowing whether things would've turned out better or worse if Event X hadn't happened as it did. You just have to trust him. He knows who are wheat, and who are tares. What you are being led towards could make you forget all about everything that's gone before. You cannot second-guess God or his plans or his motivation for doing the things he does. This is called "Faith." Yes, life is depressing sometimes. Yes, people die, but they die when they're meant to (or when they choose to). If you are one of God's elect, if you are being purified with trials and tribulations and fire, it means you WILL have eternal life as long as you can stick it out. It means you're not a tare. It means you mean something to him, that you have promise and potential. Don't... Give... Up!

reply to post by Greensage


Thanks sage but I'm really a mediocre when it comes to drawing, I make music.

I'm not on medication and turned down the idea about a year ago. I have a friend (Used to) that was on anti-depressants for three years and if she missed a dose she would self mutilate.

reply to post by Thought Provoker


They always say God doesn't give people problems they can't handle, right?. Then why the hell do people commit suicide, Nothing I can get now or in the future would make me feel any better. God knows how I really feel and he knows what I will do and what I'm capable of and he definitely knows if I suffer until I pass I may as well burn in hell for eternity.

[color=gold]

The brighter your internal light shines
Calls forth darkness to test your mind

When lights are dim and covered with pain
The beast retreats back into darkness again

For to it, dim lights are better then bright
Needs to see your energy to drain your life

If you walk the path that you say you stay
Between black and white the area of grey

Where things seem odd and can overwhelm
This is where you SOUL must take its stand

And bow to the darkness that stands in the midst
Or replinish you light with positive bits

Bits of energy to help your way
As you sort thru whats important in these days

Its up to you to stop or keep going
For only you know what your doing

When away from the screen of ATS
1 encourages you only to do your best

With the battle with darkness in which has found
interest in you to test you KNOW

So to give up means bow, if thats what you wish
But please look deeper, before you give up on this

3d this world this universe
Full of pain and full of hurts

Many are struggling even more then you
But have to keep going to make it thru

To better ways of existing, free of all the dark
I hope somewhere in you that LIGHT has sparked

That light that light you gotta to let it SHINE
Ever so empowering your TESTED mind

Remember darkness prefers your light stay dim
As it only GUARANTEES more time with THEM

1 took time cause you said this is the last chapter in your story
I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR LIGHT PATH AND RETURN BACK TO GLORY.
[/COLOR]

It seems you have many issues also family related. Sometimes in reference to your REAL ETERNAL/SOUL/SHINE some family memebers are picked as becons for the rest of the family to follow. So imagine if your the genetic becon and this IS your last chapter... WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE YOUR FAMILY WHO FOLLOW YOUR LIGHT-------and you dont want them left in the dark at all, so REGATHER YOURSELF your in it with the rest of us till better eternia is established. With that 1 wishes you the best of luck in your journey and GOD heard you-sometimessmokescreens slow the response-

Be well

LOVE LIGHT ETERNIA*******

NAMASTE