The last chapter to my story

I don't know how to start off and this thread will probably get me banned from ATS.

I can't sleep at night I'm tormented by my past mistakes, The harsh words that pierced my soul..affected like a vampire struck through the heart with a stake. My eyes lack the liquid some call tears, a reflection of my deepest thoughts and greatest fears. My skin chilled to the point I'm forming chilblains, cold blood flows through my veins, when it rains no need to cover up I always liked the storm, Setting an appointment with the earth so I can return to where the f*** I'm from.

Nah this is corny.........I'll just get down to business.

I'm so depressed, I see life in black and white with both sides in dispute and I'm stuck in the middle not knowing to which side I belong. I really wish I could go back into my youth, Back before I learned about the Illuminati and all this crap that affected my vision of the future. I've tried to remain positive but it's really hard when everyone pushes you away because you refuse to give in to peer pressure. And your mothers cursing her womb for producing a monster that some would compare to Satan. I hate my life..........

I gave up everything as I stated in my previous threads, I see no future and the past is clouded...I refuse to look back. I want everyone to really understand how I feel, I'm tired of keeping these dark thoughts locked up inside me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life on anti-depressants.

Serizawa.

reply to post by Serizawa


Try, somthing new.. like meditating!

It's your own thoughts that create your reality, which is why one's perception of life can be totally different from another. It's what you make it! You can walk out of your cave and make a difference. Your past doesn't matter; only the present by living in the moment.


But here’s the trick: when you sense these negative thoughts coming into your head, squash them immediately! These negative thoughts will conquer you if you don’t conquer them, and you will never achieve your goal that way. So that’s what I did — I became aware of the negative thoughts, and I pushed them out. I told myself, I said, “Self! Don’t think thoughts like that! You can do this!” And I kept telling myself that I could do it, and that optimism just multiplied until I was running faster than before and I had no thought of stopping.

zenhabits.net...

www.stevenaitchison.co.uk...

reply to post by Serizawa


Come on man... There is always something worse than our own case. Try exercising.... drawing... playing music. Those are ways you can express yourself and release depression.

I have alot of depression too, take one day at a time.

I exercise (Well used to) I make music and I used to draw, Doesn't help.

I tried meditation it doesn't help and positive thoughts don't help either. Positive thoughts don't change reality.

reply to post by Serizawa


You only get one crack at living..life is precious.

You very easily could be a writer..you're very eloquent.

Originally posted by Serizawa

........I'm stuck in the middle not knowing to which side I belong.

What makes you think that you have to choose a side?

Personal preference: I have always preferred grey, over black or white.

Originally posted by Serizawa
I see no future and the past is clouded...I refuse to look back.

Then look forward!
The archaic language of the past is worn out.
If only there were some wisdom for us moderns.

Here is a Translation of the Sermon On the Mount
that I did August 25th, 2009. It took 27 minutes to write.

Some comments have ranged from amusing, to
"This is more about you Grouch, than what Jesus said."


David Grouchy






Blessed are the alone: for the Kingdom of Heaven is come to earth.

Blessed are groups that bring suit to correct records of the past: for membership is comforting.

Blessed are the shy: for the whole earth shall hear of their inheritance.

Blessed are the groups which read and think on verdicts: for they shall know fulfillment.

Blessed are the pardonful: for they shall be pardoned.

Blessed are the pure in record: for they shall see good.

Blessed are the peacekeepers: for they shall be called the child of good.

Blessed are groups which are prosecuted for the correction of studies, and reports: for the Kingdom of Heaven is come to earth.

Blessed are ye, when man shall advertise against you, and prosecute you, and shall say all manner of misscharacterization against you falsely, for our sake.

Party, and be huge celebrations: for large is your company of friends: for so they prosecuted the truths which came before you.

Ye are the addiction of the earth: but if the addiction has lost his hold, where and with what will it be addicted? It is therefore God of nothing, but to be forgotten, and made into footwear.

Ye are the justice of the world. A public database cannot be made secret.

Neither do men seek a justice, and form a secret society, but seek audience, and it gives Justice to all that are subscribed.

Let your record so be published before men, that they may see your God work, and glorify your motives which are in heaven.

Think not that I am here to destroy science or scientists: I am not here to destroy, but to fulfill.

For truthfully I say unto you, till heaven and earth reproduce, one job or one tittle shall in no way pass from Science, till all be resurrected.

Whoever thenceforth shall break one of these least positions, and shall coax men so, he shall be called the smallest in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

For I say unto you, that except your researches shall exceed the record keeping of the lawyers and politicians, ye shall in no case win the kingdom of heaven.

Ye have believed it was felt of them of old, thou shalt not sue, and whosoever sues is in danger of damnation.

But I say unto you, that whosoever is upset with his country but without a lawsuit shall be in danger of the damnation: and whosoever shall say to his country, fubsk it, shall be in danger of the elders, but whosoever shall say, they're dumb, shall be in danger of litigation.

Thenceforth if thou bring a breakthrough to the system, and there remember that thy country has anything against thee;

Leave the the breakthrough with the system, and go thy way; first to be reconciled with thy country, and then come to offer thy Hypothesis.

Agree with thine critic quickly, while thou are in the consciousness with him, lest at any moment the critic deliver thee to the self doubt, and the self doubt deliver thee to thee to inaccuracy, and thou be the father of a lie.

Verily I say unto thee, thou shall by no means get away with it, till thou has undone the uttermost consequence.

Ye have believed it was felt of them of old, you made your bed sleep in it:

But I say unto you, that whosoever thinks they aren't smart has slept in it already in his readings and studies.

And if thy best friend calls you stupid, snap your fingers at it, and flick it away from thee: for it is advantageous for thee that one of thy friends should be lost, and not that thy whole country be brought to trial.

And if thy best lover advises you to ignorance, clap your hands, and laugh it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy friends should be lost, and not that thy whole country be brought to trial.

It has been said, whosoever would drop out, let him take the g.e.d.

But I say unto you, that whosoever shall drop out, save for the teachers dropping out on him, has already failed, and whosoever joins him that dropped out commends failure.

Again, ye have felt that it has been believed by them of old, thou shalt not make thine own categories, but shall use the categories of the institutions.

But I say unto you, categorize not at all; neither in Heaven; for it is the imagination:

Nor by art; for it is the footprint of imagination: neither by history for it is the provence of brutal warriors.

Neither shall thou categorize by IQ, because thou can't make one score contain all truth.

But let your results be, whole, whole, none, none: for whatsoever is more than these comes from mischaracterization.

Ye have felt that is has been believed by them of old, thou can have any job ye want, and do something you love:

But I say unto you, that ye resist not mischaracterization: but whosoever shall assign you a label you don't like, turn to him your positive emotions as well.

And if any man will apprentice thee at the science, and take away thy findings as his own, let him have thy methods also.

And whosoever shall compel thee to serve a year, go with him two years.

Give to him that assigneth thee, and from him that would make expectations of thee turn not to quitting.

Ye have felt that is has been believed by them of old, thou shalt love thy company and, hate the competition.

But I say unto you, Truth to the competition, be honest about them that won't be honest about you, point out the righteous works of them that criticize you, and think well of them that despise and use you, and set themselves against you.

That ye may be the children of our imagination which is in heaven: for our imagination sheds light on the bad and the righteous, and grows the illusion and the truth equally well.

For if ye hand them which hand you, what reward have ye? Do not even the politicians do the same.

And if ye honor your company only, what do ye more than others? Are not even the lawyers so?

Be ye therefore perfect, even as our imagination which is in heaven is perfect.

Take heed that ye do not your mercy thinking before cameras, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of our imagination which is in heaven.

Therefore when thou doest thine mercy thinking, do not advertise before thee, as the corporations do in the homes and in the streets, that they may have the glory of cameras. Verily I say unto you, they only want money.

But when thou doest thy mercy thinking, let not thy worst lover know what thy best lover does:

That thine mercy thinking may be in secret: and our Imagination which sees in secret himself shall reward thee openly.

And when thou mercy think, thou shalt not be as the corporations are: for they love to mercy think standing in the homes and in the intersections, that they may be seen of cameras. Verily I say unto you, they are lucky to even get money.

But thou, when thou mercy think, enter into thy bedroom, and when thou hast shut thy door, mercy think to our Imagination which is in secret, and our Imagination which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

But when ye mercy think, use not the vain preconceptions, as the unimaginative do: for they think that they will be accepted for their much concentration.

Be not ye thenceforth like unto them: for our Imagination knoweth what feelings ye have need of, before ye ask him.

After this manner therefore mercy think ye: Thy Imagination which art in heaven, Revealed by thy name.

Our kingdom is come, our will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

Give me this day, my daily feeling.

And forgive me my failures, as I forgive my failures.

And lead me not into repetition, but deliver me from misscharacterization: for Ours is the kingdom, and the responsibility, and the cameras, for ever. Amen.

For if ye forgive men their unknowing, our heavenly Imagination will aslo forgive you.

But if ye forgive not men their unknowing, neither will our Imagination forgive your unknowing.

Moreover when ye vacation, be not as the tourists, of a colorful clothing: for they change their appearance, that they may appear to be on vacation. Verily I say unto you, they have their reward.

But thou, when thou vacation, learn the local IQ, and clean thy accent;

That thou appear not unto men as tourist, but unto our Imagination which is in secret: and our Imagination, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.

Lay not up for yourself souvenirs of the place, where photos and performers do distract, and where packaging produces more waste than product.

But lay up for yourself souvenirs in heaven, where neither photos nor performers do distract, and where packaging does not produce more waste than product.

For where your ovine is from, there your feelings will be also.

The justice of the tribe is in the friend: if therefore thine friend be one, thy whole tribe shall be full of justice.

But if thine friend be misscharacterized, the whole tribe shall be full of injustice. If therefore the Justice that is in thee be injustice, how great is that injustice.

No man can follow two guides: for either he will doubt the one and listen to the other; or else he will hold to the one, and ignore the other. Ye cannot follow learning and facade.

Thenceforth I say to you, take no thought for your hotel, what restaurants, or what nightclubs ye shall visit; nor yet for your tribe, how ye shall represent them. Is not the visit more than commercial, and the tribe more than image?

Behold the word of mouth: for they pay not for advertising, nor do they want all your money; yet our heavenly Imagination makes them teachers. Are ye not better students than they?

Which of you by criticizing thought can add one day unto his stay?

And why criticize ye thought of your own tribe? Consider your own children who have had sleep overs, how they can grow, they advertise not, neither do they recruit:

And yet I say unto you, that even Mark Twain in all his publications was not received like one of these.

Wherefore, if Imagination so represent a tribe of the world, which this day is, and the morrow is changed, shall he not much more represent you, O ye of timid travels?

Therefore take no thought, saying, where shall we eat out? or, what club shall we drink at? or, how can we represent our tribe?

(For after all these things do the tourists seek for our heavenly Imagination knows of friends, families, and marriages who can meet all these needs.

Pay them your vacation money: and pay the taxes on that money so they may enjoy it fully. For their country will grow thereby. Study of local tax laws is a task sufficient for a travel agency.

Advise not, that ye be not advised.

For with what solution you advise, ye shall be doubted: and with what standard you raise up, it shall be seen as prejudice in you.

And why fixate on tiny flaw that is in thy countries friend, but consider not the disaster in thine own friend.

Or how will thou say to thy country, Let me erase the flaw out of thy friend; and, behold a disaster is in thine own friend?

Thou hypocrite, first cast out the disaster of thine own friend; and then shalt thou find friendship in thy countries friend.

Reveal not that which is understood to the soldiers, nether cast ye your wisdoms before the police, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn again to arrest you.

Ask, and it may be given you; seek, and ye may discover; knock, and doors may be opened unto you:

For everyone that asks will see something, and he that seeks will feel something, and to him that knocks will hear.

Or what man is there of you, whom if his guest asks food, will he give him blindness.

Or if he asks for a feast, will he give him a poison?

If ye then, being misscharacterizers, know how to give God gifts unto your guests, how much more shall our Imagination which is in heaven give God things to them that ask him?

Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should see in you, do ye even to see so in them: For this is the science and the truths.

Go ye in at the sober gate: for intoxicated is the gate, and crooked is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go for that.

Because sober is the gate, and moderation is the way, which leads to life, and few there be that find it.

Beware of fake truths, which come to you clothed in certificates, but are not internally consistent.

Ye shall know them by reproducing their results. Do men gather facts from categories, or data from statistics?

Even so every God system brings forth God results; but a fake system brings forth mischaracterized results.

A God system cannot bring forth mischaracterized results, neither can a fake system bring forth God results.

Every system that brings not God results is dismantled and cast into the studies of historical deceptions.

Whenceforth by their systems ye will know them.

Not everyone that says to me, Word, Word, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that does the will of our Imagination which is in heaven.

Many will say to me in that day, Word, Word, have we not truthed in thy name? and in thy name have cast out deceivers and in thy name done many amazing actions?

And then will I professor unto them, I never knew you: depart from here, ye that work inequality.

Therefore whoever knocks these sayings of mine, and yet does them, I will liken him unto a doctor, which rebuilt a organ with his eyes closed:

And the light descended, and understanding came, and he could hear, and feel; and he failed not: for it was guided by imagination.

And everyone that hears these sayings of mine, and doesn't do them, shall be likened unto a propagandist, which rebuilt an organ of sand:

And it was made to look right, and shaped into the right form, and he closed it up, but it could not hold; and it ruptured: and tragic was the rupture of it.

Originally posted by Serizawa
I exercise (Well used to) I make music and I used to draw, Doesn't help.

I tried meditation it doesn't help and positive thoughts don't help either. Positive thoughts don't change reality.

Oh, yes, they...do! You just typed a negative statement.

reply to post by BrokenCircles


I'm mixed race........

Sweetheart you are not alone(YANA) I'm a teenager and I know this crap. Swear to god, it took the little innocence I had left. I understand how you feel, everybody going stark-raving mad and we had to be the first. God bless and take care.

Positive thoughts won't help, unless you take action.

reply to post by Heartisblack


Worst thing is watching everyone change and yet you remain the same, Two wrongs don't make a right.

reply to post by Serizawa


Race doesnt mean anything to the people with good in their heart. That has nothing to do with a side. The only sides you have to choose from are happy or bitter. I have tried that bitter side and it only sadens me and gives me more regret.

I think those same thoughts sometimes but I think it is just pre-menopause.

Things aren't really as bad as you think they are. Just let those thoughts slide down your back and keep pushing forward. Would you rather trade places with me? I have a 16 year old to take care of, my temp job ended last week and the very next day, Capitol One came to take my car away. The land-lord just left telling me she needed to know something tomorrow or else I have to look for another place to live. I am sure there are lots of other stories worse than mine out there.

I will do what I have to do to survive because I was put on this ball of crap for some reason and my child depends on me. Everything I do and every person I talk to causes a chain reaction to something else that will happen in time. Even the statement you just made and these words I type will cause a chain reaction somewhere, somehow so, just keep pushing forward because to someone out there your existence means something to someone and they are going to need your help and or words that you say in order to help them get through or to help them with whatever problem they might have.

Stay strong because we need you too.

reply to post by mustangill


You should be thankful you have a son and hes old enough to support you mentally as well, Try going through all that alone like I did. Not trying to be rude or anything and I understand what your saying, Just had to get that out.

reply to post by Serizawa


I have to say this because its important and I think you are looking for an answer that falls outside of the rhetoric you have obviously been fed for years. Depression is real, some it is self-inflicted, others it is a natural imbalance. I don't know what your doctors have said to you, and I really could not comment on your life circumstance; these are your secrets you may keep or divulge, it doesn't matter.

Let me give you a sage peice of wisdom that has kept me from becoming what my fiance calls "murky dismal and his cloud of doom."

Your spiritual armor has been worn to the point it is falling off of you. From your words it seems you have been embattled for some time, and your armor is in desperate need of repair. You can do this yourself, trust me.

As wise men once said, the world can be viewed from two perspectives and from each it is true. The order and beauty, or chaos and destruction. I choose to see the silver lining in everything, though my natural state sees the chaos at first glance. What has you down my friend is likely in many ways you feel powerless, or bound to a fate not necessarily of your choosing. My advice is take strength from your adversity, channel your depression towards a productive task. Like one poster said before me, I suggest you write! You write very well and you have a keen ability of expressing emotion through words, as evidenced by your OP.

The hottest fires forge the strongest steel, I am on of these types of steel and so are you. I learned years ago that if i can channel my depression, or any emotion for that matter, towards what i want to achieve than I have literally limitless potential/power. The door is starring at you in the face, yet all you see is a wall. Look closer friend, see the hidden door, and walk through it. I get my best work done when angry, perhaps it is the same for you. DO NOT project your negative emotions onto others, it is a waste of your very powerful energy.

From your words I see a very powerful man looking for his path. Do not waste your power brother.

reply to post by MartyMcFly


Race means a lot to empty minded people and I've been called loads of names. My parents are racist (Don't ask), My girlfriends parents are racist, All my friends parents were racist.

Originally posted by Serizawa
reply to post by Heartisblack

 

Worst thing is watching everyone change and yet you remain the same, Two wrongs don't make a right.

Amen, I feel like my soul is gone. God, buddha, other ain't helping me. I feel like shi+.
Everybody else is changing and i'm still the same, hostile, bitter and ready to take out the world.