Having an Open/Swinging Marriage

Still hard to argue as to whether or not societal norms are part of that influence, even if those close to someone are not as monogamous. Personally, while the idea of many women for a romp of fun is cool...the idea of being in a relationship with multiple women is absolutely terrifying.

I know a few people who have done/are doing the open relationship/marriage thing. For some couples, it works; for others it does not.

I'm single and out in the dreaded dating world (which really is awful). I have never had an open relationship because I am the green-eyed monster personified. I would not be happy or thrive in an open relationship. I would feel as though I were settling; also the safety issues involved with being intimate with another person are a huge factor.

I am most definitely a one-man woman. I feel badly even casually dating more than one guy at a time which is my present situation (I'm not intimate with anyone, just dating - drinks, music, dinner, etc.). I am spiritual, but not religious.

I suppose some people just don't have the green-eyed monster. Knowing my partner was out with someone else would make me absolutely blind with jealousy. Sometimes I feel that makes me less "enlightened" than those who are in happy open relationships. At the end of the day, though, it just wouldn't work for me.

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric

My wife and I have been in the swinging lifestyle for several years. I must admit that it has made our bond stronger. There is nothing that we cannot talk about... If there is a thought in your mind about this lifestyle. Might I propose that you and your spouse try some "soft swinging" Two couples, one room ,no swapping.... That is how we started. It was a blast !!!!

reply to post by daddyroo45


I'm glad you and your spouse have found a way to not only make it work but, to also make your marriage better. I'm actually quite happy being with just the person I married but, will pass your suggestion on to my friend. Thanks for your input.

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric


It's totally up to the couple. Each couple defines their marriage and I don't believe anyone has any business trying to define marriage for all people. We're all different and have different needs.

As far as what I personally feel about marriage, I couldn't live in a marriage like that, but I have had open relationships in the past and it never hurt me a bit. In fact, it sometimes helped the relationship.

My wife and I have been there (well, we still are...but more subdued these days). Anyway, there are serious pros and cons to the "lifestyle". We have fulfilled all our wildest fantasies; yet, there is always that "itch" to push the limit once again. Seriously, I have known 1000s of people in the lifestyle; and I would estimate that 5% are still a couple. It takes a certain mindset to handle what you think you want.

The lifestyle can be a beautiful thing; but it is only promising to a select few. Overall, it is disappointing to most. If you are even considering going there, then I recommend that you first discuss the idea with your significant other. If, and I mean IF, you decide to dabble in the lifestyle, then I recommend that you take "baby steps" and don't jump in "head first"; as it's easier to forgive/forget small hurts as opposed to the larger ones.

I can provide a plethora of knowledge; however, I will leave it at that for now. If you have questions, then send me a private message and I will discuss in more detail.

Rogerstigers: We frequent IQ and are lifetime members of SDC....I bet we know one another and don't even know it



Aggie Man

Originally posted by pez1975
Why even get married if u want to sleep with other people thats what I think. I been married 12 years with my wife 15 years. I knew I wanted to be with her the rest of my life and have a family with her. I sowed my wild oats before I got married. I think thats where alot of people make their mistake they get married young and then after a while they wonder if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. when divorce is at 50% rate I dont think this would help in beating the odds. So in conclusion no I dont think this is a smart idea but thats just me to each his own it doesnt affect me one way or another

I discussed this topis in great length with a good friend last night, and here's my response to your statement...

Marriage (monogamy) is a man-made institution, not a natural one. In our history, marriage was the 'civil union' / business partnership as just that...a joint partnership. This was traditionally done to share land and wealth; women were not viewed on an equal footing as men in terms of gaining status or capitol, so they 'married' to be able to do so.

Marriage does not equal matrimony. Yes, it'd be great of you eventually fell in love with your business partner, but marriage itself does not result in that. Also, marriage was practiced to raise children, mainly for the procreation part, tho. If you think about it, children who are raised in a 'polyamorous' situation may be better off having stability because there are more than one 'parent' figures, meaning the workload of child-rearing is not on the backs of just one person, or two, and there is not the complication of "Your father has cheated on me; I'm getting a divorce."

Being able to love more than one person is not a fad, or even a political statement...its biologically natural. if people dug deep down and realized this, they would not set themselves to be hurt, just because their partner explored what is naturally inept. Besides, straying on ones spouse does not mean that they have fallen out of love.

Monogamy is only traditional, not realistic.

Then its not a marriage (where exclusivety and monogamy are expected out of pure "love")

Then it sets a bad example for the already corrupted next generation

Then Karma's a bitch!

My wife and I tried a threesome not too long ago, after several years of marriage. Sure, it was kind of a risk that one of us would feel weird, but it actually brought us closer together, as we both felt more desired afterwards, etc. (she's bi, although she only enjoys being in an actual relationship with men).

It was a lot of fun, and we've done it again since that first time, and likely will again. We're not looking to make it a major part of our lives, but if the opportunity comes up, (and I pretty much make this lady's choice), then I'm game if she is.

But, I'll never push her into it, and it is completely her call, she has to be cool with it, and call the shots. I think this only works when the couple is really in love with each other, and is just looking to add a little fun in the bedroom...and not trying to "fix" anything. That's all this was, and it worked well for us.

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric

I am interested in knowing what other members think about having open marriages or swinging with other couples.

My best friend's significant other arranged for a "date" with another couple last weekend. Apparently, it was an "amazing experience" that helped them understand eachother and each other's needs on a much deeper level.

What do other's think about this?

Depends on the couple, of course. For some, it will be an amazing thing, for others, awkward and weird, and possibly evan relationship ending. You have to consider these risks going into it.

Also, it is tricky...do you do this with a couple of strangers, or someone you know well? With strangers, at least if it's weird, you won't have to see them again, but if friends, then it could be very awkward at the PTA meeting, for example...

You just have to consider everything before jumping into it.

I'd never try it because I'm the insanely jealous and insecure type but I have been in love with two women at the same time long ago and it felt right even if I never told either of them at the time it happened but that's the thing. I couldn't tell them because it was the first time I'd had female attention and I worried that letting either of them know would've destroyed the good thing I had going and I'd have never felt as wanted and liked as much as that again.

Naturally things ended but it felt weird because I figured I'd panic if sex came into it because I wouldn't wanna feel like I was cheating on either of them.

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric


I was checking on the status of a TV show (Showtime's Polyamory), and was curious about what had been said here on ATS on the subject. The search turned up this thread. Back when I originally posted in it...my wife and I had discussed the idea of having a woman join us on occasion, but circumstances had never really come up.

Since that post, we have on a few occasions, and I think I can offer some additional insights to this, to help with the OP's original purpose of the thread.

Back then (2011, when I originally posted in the thread), I mentioned my wife is one of those who loves being "with" a guy in a relationship, but she's also attracted to women. Having been married nearly a decade now, we're pretty secure with each other, and any jealousy issues are WAY dialed down. Circumstances happened to where it became a possibility. Mostly some alcohol and harmless flirting that then went a bit further, then even further. At first, I was happy being the spectator, but it was fairly easy to join in at some point.

Of course, the day after, all of the analysis happens. Was she going to be mad? Was I going to be? How about the other gal? Luckily, it seemed we were all cool with it, and all enjoyed the experience. I think my wife was glad to have the chance to explore that part of her sexuality, and of course I enjoyed myself too. Luckily, we had kind of established some hypothetical ground rules way before this opportunity knocked, so we didn't have that to deal with. I can't stress how important that was though. During the second time, I almost forgot one of those rules (genuinely forgot), but a quick reading of the look she gave me reminded me of a certain limit. Since that was all it took, I was in the clear, but had I crossed that line...doomsville.

It's funny, but only a couple of RL friends even know about this. Of course, they asked me if I would be cool seeing her with a guy. Back in 2011, I would have said no way. Now? I'm comfortable enough and secure enough to say I think so. I wouldn't do anything with him..just isn't my thing....but hard for me to refuse her if it came up and she wanted it. Likely the only scenario is a couples thing anyhow, so then at least I'm not warming the bench. Thing is though, it isn't as if she did the threesome thing just for me. Since she was attracted to the girl too, there was nothing selfish about this, just two people who love each other enjoying the company of another.

From re-reading the OP and the thread, it seems the OP was genuinely curious about the whole concept. Over the course of the thread, I've been first on the outside looking in, then on the inside of the situation...so I hope my insights help shed some light on it. Is this something the wife and I will do often? No...maybe a few times a year. It isn't something we have to do, or that I pressure her for. If it happens it happens. Even if it never happened again, no problem. But, it can be done without ruining a relationship. Is it for everyone? No. I doubt it would be even for most people. You really have to be secure in the relationship for it not to cause a problem. But it can be a great and wonderful experience with the right mindset and attitude.

Well.. well....well...

an old thread dug from the ashes.