I have a very hard time socially and in HS. Any advice?

reply to post by mossme89


look bud, i'm in highschool, and i would be considered part of the popular crowed, and there is nothing about being popular that you 'want'. Keep your head high, distance yourself, and find a hobby that you thoroughly enjoy, study, get good grades, get into a good college, and eventually it will all play itself out.

My biggest regret is giving up my true friends for the shallow world of highschool parties. I have a girlfriend who i've been with for 3 years and that is all you need to get through highschool, you only have a little time left mate.

reply to post by minnow329


What about the "popular" girls? How are they?

reply to post by mossme89


Moss.
A lot of people here are going to give you advice on how to handle this situation. Truth is nothing is gonna change. High school sucks...its that simple, Yes most of us had good times in high school and fond memories...blah blah blah. Fact is, If i could go back and do it all again?...No thank you. Being shuttled from class to class like pigs to the slaughter..trying to fit in, Be seen with the right people, saying and doing the right thing. By whose standards? Dont worry about "fitting" in. Be yourself. You wont regret it.

reply to post by mossme89


I used to know the popular girls in my school much better than i do now, they seem alright, some are friendly but none of them (to my knowledge) are 'aware' so to speak. They drink a lot, party a lot, shop a lot, and do the dirty with a lot of different guys, to me that's gross. I'm much happier with my girlfriend who has, like myself, created some distance between the typical highschool lifestyle and her personal activities.

A rather sad concept though is that i've watched a lot of these girls kind of destroy who they used to be, this has also happened to guys but i watch people get into highschool and lose themselves in drugs, drinking and sex, it's all posturing and they'll all look back on it and regret the time they lost.

I read through a lot of your threat and i think we're sort of similar. I saw a lot about empathy, and that is something i have an issue with too, i would much rather stay away from the situations that wrong other people and the like. Also, i don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, after all i'm going to be the one with a better head on my shoulders in the end, you will be too.

Also, what i said before about finding a hobby. I really enjoy longboarding, i picked it up in middle school and i think it's a great way to challenge yourself and have some productive alone time. And the best friends i've made have been through longboarding. I've taken pretty big falls and lost a lot of blood but those kinds of things build character, in the end i'd rather be flying down a hill in the middle of the night with a couple buddies then mindlessly drinking at a party with a bunch of people who don't really like me for who i am.

reply to post by minnow329


I'm assuming you're a Senior also. College is a lot better, from what i've seen. Even with orientations, there's not much of the clique-ness. You can have a group of friends, but people are more mature and the group is usually not "exclusive".

I totally get what you mean about people changing and destroying themselves. This one girl, who i've mentioned a lot in this thread and others, is/was a nice girl. But she got caught up in the high school stuff, and has changed a lot in the last year, not necessarily for the better. Now, i don't know much about her and am just going off of what i've seen, so i could be wrong, but she has changed a lot. She doesn't have feelings for me like i do her, but i still worry about her nonetheless.

reply to post by mossme89


yep, it's a sad truth, im telling you man pick up a skateboard and go, it's frustrating at first if you don't know how but once you get the hang of if the rewards are endless.

reply to post by minnow329


I've actually taken up running as a sort of hobby and have met a ton of people that way.

Thanks for the suggestion though

Originally posted by SunSword
reply to post by mossme89

 

OK. I'm going to give you some useful advice, not just tell you to "suck it up". But before I give you the advice, I am going to give you a perspective.

Remember when you were 4? What you liked, how you spent your day, what you watched on TV? If someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, what you have said?
Now remember when you were 8? You knew way more than when you were 4. Far more than twice as much. You could (I presume) read, write, do basic math, ride a bike. You were hugely more knowledgeable about the world than when you were 4.
Now imagine yourself at 16 (you are around there if you are in HS). How much more do you know, have you thought of, can you do, than way back when you were 8?
OK
Now when you hit your early 30's, you will be as far beyond where you are now, as you are now beyond where you were when you were 8. And ditto in your 60's.
Dandylion ==> Bush ==> Apple tree ==> Mighty Oak ==> Sequoia Redwood.

OK I just told you all that so you can get a concept that (a) you have a lot of positive experience to look forward to and (b) that I really can give you some useful advice since I am up there in that Oak/Redwood range.

Here is the advice.
1st, pick 3 things. Something you will try. One a physical activity, one a skill activity, and one a mental activity. Might be swimming, one line gaming, learning cryptography. Might be Tae Kwon Do, pistol shooting, playing Go. Might be weight lifting, throwing pottery, studying a science not taught at HS.

Practice each thing for one year. Don't quit. Fill your time with these 3 things. Make a schedule and stick to them. You may make friends while doing them, maybe not. Thing is, you do these for you.

After a year, pick 3 things. Again a physical activity, a skill activity, a mental activity. You are permitted to keep 2 of them the same if you want. Or do 3 new things. Rock climbing, learning welding, doing bible study. Fencing (with swords), learning to draw anime, learning a programming language.

Again practice for one year. Don't quit any of them once started, you must do the full year. Make a schedule and stick to it. Again you may make friends, maybe not.

Here is what you will find. Once you get good at something, and if you behave politely, people who DO THE SAME THING will be polite to you. Over time, you will socialize. Because if you are good at something that other people want to do, and you are nice; many people who do that thing will want to hang with you.

But even if not many do -- you will find your days full of doing stuff that you want to do. And things will lead to things, connections to connections, that you cannot now imagine.

Do this, trust me. You will be happier in a few months. And you will become more self assured, more centered, over time. This is how to grow and grow well.

I Want to hand it to you; that was( is) fantastic advice......Wish I'd had the guidance to do that during my "teens"... kudos.

I went through the same thing in high school. Despite getting moderate attention from females and being high level athlete, I was just a weirdo. I blamed my social problems on my classmates, but in retrospect, it was me.

I was maladjusted to social life because everything I did at home was met with severe physical and emotional abuse. I couldn't talk about anything on my mind or do anything other than what I was told without immediate, violent punishment. Even misread glances and asking benign questions about life drew the red-faced ire of my stepfather.

So, when I had the opportunity to socialize and be myself without getting the snot kicked out of me--I faltered. I never had the opportunity to get to know myself (other than knowing that I don't like getting beaten) so my social experiences were basically an experiment. It took me a long time to find out how to be around other people who weren't raised "on a plank" as I was.

Chronologically, I had just turned 17 halfway through my senior year. Socially, I was about 7.

I went through depression as a result of not belonging, but this was self-inflicted as well. There was nothing wrong with me and many go through this same thing for many different reasons.

Embrace your differences, celebrate your strengths. Don't worry about the high school cliques because they are all based on status and thus, inconsequential.

I struggled a lot in high school and even some of college, and I've experienced the same issues you have. Seriously, what I've come to, is the best thing to do is to be yourself. If you're anything but, or try to please others, then you will feel lost. If you are 100% yourself, then you will draw people with similar ideas, beliefs, and personalities to you. People in high school and college can be very immature and materialistic because society today is heavily influenced by the media and pop culture. I wish I could say that they will grow out of it, but many don't. That's their loss. You've got a large group of people on ATS who support you and have similar beliefs, and we are all over the world, you just have to know where to look. I'd encourage looking for groups and clubs at your college that interest you, you might find some future friends there!

reply to post by mossme89


Honestly, i just wanna give you a big cuddle
Im a senior too, and was bullied in earlier years but turned me into the person i am today so i dont really despise any of it.
you say you feel like you say the 'wrong things'. there not wrong at all, they just dont fit into the stereotype that the people around you have created. Which even though it hurts, may not be as bad as what you think it to be. If i fit into the stereotypes i was introduced to, id be a pot smoking criminal, i got close to that believe it or not. lol
part of it may be that you feel vunerable, which is perfectly understandable but you give people the means to have power over you. If you feel more confident in what you do when people are like why are you doing that just be like thats me whatever and people will stop using you as a target.

Anywho, im really sick at the moment and i cant really think clearly at all hahaha
But if you want someone to talk to, feel free to U2U me ill understand a bit better concidering im around your age hahaha

Hope all goes well!

reply to post by mossme89


You should never go by what anyone no matter who they are say is normal, because there really is nothing normal, just be yourself man, the people that should be in your life (the ones that matter) will naturally come to you if you do. Beside you have your whole life ahead of you, and it shouldn't be wasted worrying wither or not someone likes you.

In my high school days, when ever I saw a kid gettin picked on. I didn't give a crap who thought what at the time.
I put a stop to it immediatly. It always seemed like it was the less popular kids, who were picking on some poor least popular guy. Little defenseless nerd after P.E. one day, in the shower room. He was unfortunate enough to have his locker right in between these two jackasses that were friends, not to him. Now this kid was totally on his own, if he wasn't with the few nerdy friends he had. Always had a weak spot for someone getting picked on.

Now my locker was on the opposite side, from the side they were on. So I could never see what was going on over there. It was about have way thru the semester, when I came around to thier side one day, looking for some
one I knew. There were those two idiot kids, snap'in their rat tailed towels, at this little kid try'in to get dressed.
So he could get out of the hell, that had been his gym class for prolly half the year. I knew then, that guys life was nothing but misery. Because of people like the other two. I couldn't believe the difference that came over that kid after that day. He went from a kid who would rarely suit up for P. E. to someone who suited up everyday. And would even get out there and give us his best shot at some football. He seemed a lot happier. Never missed a chance to say hi to me, as we were cuttin thru the halls. But he knew his place.

I know you prolly had a brutal time growing up. School shootings are often the result of the way a kids life is made miserable by the other kids. It's very sad that my act of kindness seems like something all to rare.
I didn't hurt the other kids at all. I just told 'em I would. And they knew I meant it.

Take care OP Lifes a bitch and she's com'in in heat again.

It seems to me, that the OP has two choices.
1 Start acting like someone else. (Pretend to like the music, clothes and attitudes of the peer group you want to get into)

2 Carry on being yourself.

If the OP goes for 1, then in time he'll gain a measure of acceptance (as long as he continues to conform) In the end, though, you won't be happy, because you'll have hidden your true nature and all that acting will stress you out in even the easiest situations.

If you go for 2, well, you wont be one of the popular kids, but I'm damn sure you'll be a happy and popular adult. The kind of person all the once popular kids wished they'd had the courage to be when they look back on their lives from middle aged bitterness.


You have one shot at this particular life, don't screw it up by pretending to be someone else.

reply to post by mossme89


Ya, Dude. Don't be so hard on yourself. Other people don't matter. They only seem like they do. I was popular in High School, not because I was "cool". It was because I was myself and I didn't try to make everyone a friend. You'll find out soon enough, that the only thing that matters is being true to yourself. F**k everyone else, man.
Message me if u need someone to talk to.

Peace and Love,

UnaChispa.

reply to post by mossme89


Hello, hope your doing ok today OP. How have things been going lately? Good I hope.
13 pages of advise, I hope it's helped. Well here's my 2 cents.
HS is a whole different world. It is unlike any time in your life. What seems so important now, is so freakin unimportant after about 24 years old. All you want to do until then is party with a lot of friends. Everything from my past is now just stupid dumb irresponsible behavior to me. But there was no way in hell you could have stopped me then. No talking in the world would have convinced me I was wasting time. Well, I was. I woke up @ 23 and decided I had to find a professional career, retail was a joke, so I went to college to succeed and I did. I did not go to party, I went to learn. That was 15 years ago. Seems like 5, but time flies, watch out.
My advise to you is try to look at this from an older person's view, which I know is lame to you now, just give it a chance. Try to see all the things you see as your faults, as just the person you are, not as faults. You know no one is perfect, they just waste their time trying to convince everyone else they are. Don't worry about those that seem to reject you, they are not important anymore. You will be entering the working world soon. You'll find a career, find a wife, and all this will seem as a bad dream. Focus on your future and the future you want your kids to have. Trust me, as you get older, life gets harder so it's great you've done well in school, cuz out here, it really matters, and it will pay off.
So called popular people will be nothing in the big world, right now they are living in a world that doesn't exist. HS is nothing but a make believe world that does nothing to prepare you for what's out here. If I had a dime now for every time I've said my parents were right, I could retire now, and just so you know, I do not have children, I just remember very clearly how hard it was in school. If I had one wish, I'd wish that kids who studied and did good in school were seen as the popular ones. I can't figure out why it is that in the adult world, education and hard work are seen as good qualities that get you good jobs and good pay, but in school are seen as lame. I blame the educators for not trying to change things. I had teachers in HS that partied and let us get away with things that should have got us suspended. They wanted to be liked the the popular ones too, not to mention sports, wow does that get out of hand (like everything else in this country).
People will come and go, and some of them will be great friends, and others will just take you for all you can give them. What will always be there for you is family, believe me they will often be a rock you can hold onto during ruff times, and believe me life is good at throwing those around.
You sound really smart to me, and I think that might explain your feelings of inadequacies around those people. Your probably much smarter than them and they can sense it when you come around, and it makes them uncomfortable.
So, feel good about yourself because it seems to me your bit ahead of the game already.
Believe me when I say women outside of HS love men that make money and work hard, we could care less if you are popular or not. A good job and money will get you more women than you can handle.
Hang in there, your almost free to come and join the real world, we appreciate you here.

Be yourself, be true to yourself, don't falter from who you are. What does that really mean? What do you do if you don't know who you are?

It is a very general thing to say, be yourself, so I have a few specific things that might help in self-discovery, just from personal experience.

-Read books, read a lot of books. If you have a lot of alone time (like I did) spend some time reading. Find out what your favorite things are to read, and this will partially reveal to you who you are.

-Martial arts. I have seen it transform many peoples' lives. When I was in high school I knew a bunch of cool guys, some were misfits, some were well respected, but none of them were "popular." A good martial arts teacher will create a sense of brotherhood in the dojo, and will help you to develop the self confidence necessary to be yourself. There's nothing like getting beat up for an hour five days a week to develop character.

-Sports. Play sports for fun. I met some of my current best friends by playing tennis and/or basketball with them. If you play basketball, pick-up basketball at the gym is great, people of all ages come and play and you'll be judged not socially but by your basketball skill. On the flipside, if you suck, don't be playin no pickup games ha. What does basketball have to do with self-discovery? Hell if I know but it's a good time.

1. Kudos for 'reaching out.' Big first step.
2. as noted in this thread, in a very short space of time MOST of the people with whom you are interacting on a day to day basis will no longer be factors in your life.
3. Some, a very small number of people (and you probably already know who they are) will be around for the rest of your life. There's no 'popularity' in this factor. They are your friends. You don't need to see them every day, week, month, year, for this to be so.
4. Be yourself. You are beautiful and you are loved. Someone thinks so....I don't really care who it is, but it's true.
5. Embrace what you love, and you will enjoy this period of your life.
6. Remember that you are currently going through massive changes physiologically, hormonally, intellectually, spiritually, and these things are BIG! Embrace them. Don't fight them.
7. Talk to someone. You probably know which person that would be.
8. Don't get hung up in the 'politics.' Small 'p'. There's a lot of it, and it will make no direct impact on your life in the long run.
9. Don't give up. Ever.
10. No matter how 'alone' you feel, there are (trust me) thousands of people who feel and think the same. You may not find them immediately, but they are out there.
11. What seems huge today will not matter in 5-10-15-20 years.
12. Study hard. If there's a teacher standing in the way of an otherwise great subject, do your own research. It will pay off.
13. Study the actions of those around you. Are the result immediate? Will they sustain? No, they won't.
14. Be good to the people around you. Smile. It's infectious. In the long run people will remember you for this.
15. As noted a million times - BE YOURSELF. Every successful person is successful because of who they are, not who they are pretending to be.

Good luck to you.
If you need a therapist, get one. No shame or embarrassment involved. Look after you, not the knuckleheads who crave attention.

reply to post by mossme89


High School pretty much sucks for everyone. Being socially awkward being bullied and uncomfortable is part of the process of growing up and maturing. The thing is, in 10 years you really wont remember high school at all. Its an incredibly small part of you life and becomes a distant memory.

Here is the advice I wish I got:

- Be yourself, do not follow the trends. Trend followers are never cool.
- Date if you want , but do not worry about having a girlfriend/boyfriend they are a distraction and never last.
the real relationships come later.
- Be kind to everyone around you
- Play on a sports team or join a club
- Develop interests and hobbies outside of school
- Stay away from drugs/drinking
- work, it builds character
- use the gym its free
- Be genuine
- learn an instrument
- read as much as you can


Most important advice that no kid wants to hear

FOCUS ON GETTING GOOD GRADES

You don't realize it now but high school is the time to seriously start thinking about your future. Getting into a great college should be your number 1 priority. For most people getting into a very good college will shape everything that comes in your 20's-30's. I know it seems like such a long way away, but it isn't.

You have a huge opportunity now to do and be whatever you want to be, all it takes is developing a good work ethic some passion and drive. Don't squander the opportunity.

The social awkwardness will disappear with time. You are young, you are not expected to know how to act or do you understand how to act. This will change when you mature.

Don't stress yourself out over high school, be yourself be confident, develop healthy interests and goal and the world will be yours.

High School means nothing.

Its really just that simple....