Suicide And The Aftermath.

Originally posted by seridium
So I smoke am i committing suicide SLowly?

Quite honestly it depends on your body.
Not everyone who smokes will develop lung cancer
and those many many diseases smoking brings to the table.

I used to smoke briefly.
I didn't get addicted, it tasted like # and did me zero good.

If I need to relax to take the edge off I close my eyes
and breathe deeply, In through nose, out through mouth...

^^^This works.
I get high off of life even though currently my life sorta sucks.
I don't need a coping mechanism and while there are other addictions
I've had in the past the mind's ability to seize them starts with you...

A willingness and determination to stop.
The rest is sticking to your guns.



If you have family, children...and you get something
so debilitating you need a hole in your throat, a tank to carry around and
tubes in and out of your nose...what will you do then?

Say, "oh well I didn't think it would happen to me because my Doc says I was doing fine"
then to have to see the look of helplessness and despair on your families' faces?

Is it really worth it?


In the end the fact is:
It IS mind over matter.
It would be too late to stop then wouldn't it?

Originally posted by 0bserver1
Great question... I can tell you all about how it feels if one loses his mother by suicide.. And the feeling I had afterwards were anger grief and braveness and respect towards my mother.. I finally could respect her after she had successfully succeeded her suicide after the third time..I had to face the fact that the mental pain she suffered couldn't be healed anymore. Knowing that I had to take some distance between me and her also because my child and her granddaughter were in the room when she yelled that she wanted to die very soon!
I saved her life two times and brought her to the hospital with an overdose sleeping pills. Its awe full to see your mother turned inside out by doctors to save her! And you think why does such a healthy beautiful middle age woman want to take her life, Knowing that there are billions of people are fighting daily to stay alive if its by sickness,war,or poverty.But mental sickness could be deadlier than any above described lines. We to acknowledge this worldwide. And if there was a clinic were we could brought her to were they practiced stadium ed suicides to say farewell. I would brought her to that place and visited it to the end. But that ethically not allowed in the world but it should be..

I believe that the spirit lives on in the afterlife and that she's in good hands. The thing I say this because I had one last contact with her on Ascension Day. That day I had to drive to my grieving stepfather who lived all those years with my mother. I thought he couldn't take it any more so I left quickly leaving my family beside.. We ate and talked that evening about my mother. When drove home and the night was falling and driving in the shimmering lights of the streetlights on the highway , I asked god if she was save.. The following happened after my question all the streetlights dimmed one by one ,one at the time right before my eyes .. four thy times in a row and when I came to the last streetlight pole it happened again that repeated four times. She was letting me know that she was save... And that she was watching over me!..

I don't think that suicidal people are cowards..I think they are brave to contemplate death. I only want to say to them please do not present your death in a terrible way to people who do not know who you. or didn't do you ever any harm. Do it quietly prepared and clean do not cause collateral damage!

But I sincerely hope you will find a way in live to go on and grow old... As my doctor recently said to me you are slowly dying... I scarcely answered how long do I have? He answered approximately eighty years or so!

So...You are telling the OP that suicide is ok
and that if he does decide to end his life he will also be "save" like your mother because both
of them fail to handle life and then inherent hardships that encompass it????? I am shocked!


You are very ignorant if you feel a premeditated suicide replete with
careful and prudent planning will bring closure and solace to the immediate family...

This (concept) is absurd. You are speaking on a hypothetical not on fact which could never
be isolated from conjecture based on the premise of "beliefs" and their constructs which
are limitless by design.


Your entire post doesn't make much sense (if any) yet I'm still
trying as hard as I can to see your point of view and I can't.

Originally posted by Chinesis


If I need to relax to take the edge off I close my eyes
and breathe deeply, In through nose, out through mouth...

^^^This works.
I get high off of life even though currently my life sorta sucks.
I don't need a coping mechanism and while there are other addictions
I've had in the past the mind's ability to seize them starts with you...

A willingness and determination to stop.
The rest is sticking to your guns.

In the end the fact is:
It IS mind over matter.
It would be too late to stop then wouldn't it?

I completely agree with what you are saying. It pretty much is mind over matter, but the fact of the matter is, some minds cannot GET OVER matter.
It's just not that easy for everybody. It may be for you, and if so, I am truly glad you have found solace in what you sought. I wish it could be for everyone else, I sincerely mean that. I hate seeing and feeling people suffering from such a disease.
For most people with clinical depression (long term) however, this may take a lifetime to achieve if it is achievable at all to specific people (and their circumstances). Because you're brain is wired a certain way doesn't mean every person's brain is wired the same way.
Everyone is unique and different in experiences, love, and pain.
Some need help, and seek help, others try to do it on their own, and others will find that no matter what they do and how hard they try, it just wont go away.

In order for mind over matter to work, the mind has to be sound and focused. It's kinda hard to focus when all your thoughts are swirling and racing through your mind. For those with long term depression, the times when they are focused, are far and few if it happens at all.

Originally posted by InnerTruths
I completely agree with what you are saying. It pretty much is mind over matter, but the fact of the matter is, some minds cannot GET OVER matter.
It's just not that easy for everybody. It may be for you, and if so, I am truly glad you have found solace in what you sought. I wish it could be for everyone else, I sincerely mean that. I hate seeing and feeling people suffering from such a disease.

The thing is most people act out of subconscious behavioural patterns that
they sometimes cannot see/realise much less seize them and begin a change UNLESS
they catch themselves being aware of it...(in the act of)

It was just as next to impossible for me to get over matter as you put it
until something occurred to me...I know I sound like a broken record
but I'm trying to brainwash the OP just as he's allowed himself to be brainwashed
by arriving at his current state of mind. He didn't do it all on his own either, he had intervention.

See, taking responsibility doesn't mean you have to realise you're not acting "normal"
due to a "feeling" you feel (a mental illness is usually the assumed problem)

...Taking responsibility means you come to the self realisation that no matter
HOW you arrived at your current disposition...IT can be changed!!!!!!

Knowing something is possible: Means it CAN happen.
However *Feeling* it can never be (due to limited belief system) that someone
else has enabled another to *Feel* it is so...means the answer to a possible cure
is always NO!

To people unwilling to accept this truth I'm considered (insert negative connotation here)
while to people who have already taken the 1st step feel I possess true wisdom
attained from being spiritually enlightened...I don't have an ego here mind you but
I do know my self worth....You should too, as should the OP as well as everyone!

Originally posted by InnerTruthsFor most people with clinical depression (long term) however, this may take a lifetime to achieve if it is achievable at all to specific people (and their circumstances). Because you're brain is wired a certain way doesn't mean every person's brain is wired the same way.
Everyone is unique and different in experiences, love, and pain.
Some need help, and seek help, others try to do it on their own, and others will find that no matter what they do and how hard they try, it just wont go away.

In order for mind over matter to work, the mind has to be sound and focused. It's kinda hard to focus when all your thoughts are swirling and racing through your mind. For those with long term depression, the times when they are focused, are far and few if it happens at all.

(1) Brain wiring doesn't mean it is permanent.
-Change is capable of transcending misconceptions, misappropriations and misunderstandings in life.
-I too felt my brain had to be wired a certain way and it was, but the question is

Why was it wired that way, and
HOW was it wired?

(2) Change manifests when the belief of a person bargains or negotiates their way
from one point of an idea, thought or construct, to another... This isn't impossible.

What you're really saying is most people who suffer from clinical depression lack
the courage necessary to incite change.

Confidence is 90% of life.
The succession of a person's life is largely based on perception, not entirely.
A person who goes to work mumbling under their breath, "same # different day, this sucks"
knows for sure they are going to have a bad day, while the optimist will never be sure.

-Even then a person can change their perception to alter having a bad day.
-If a person is really good at focusing on negativity they are also very good at focusing on the positive.


I suffered a great part of my life thus far ranging from a multitude of things.
From shattered dreams, unfulfilled expectations, to deceitful manipulation, murder and
then everything in between like feeling socially unworthy of love, friendship even unworthy
of breathing the air we need in order to live.

The false idea that there are normal people among us is trivial at best.
The fun part is talking to these people we perceive as normal...only then
do we find the truth...They aren't normal, they suffer just like you and I.

Unfortunately there are levels of attaining spiritual enlightenment/success in whatever
the goal the person holds to be self serving, or naturally selfless...

I'm nothing special, I'm nothing superior to another, I'm not better than ________.

BUT, I have realised my self worth, and in order for this to happen
Change needs to occur.
Which comes from thoughts/ideas/beliefs.
These come from our mind/either conscious or subconsciously...


I'll leave you with this:

I feel depressed, I feel lonely, I feel no one understands me, no one loves me....
Someone calls me an idiot. Then someone else does too.
Someone else calls me another name...Prior to this name calling I didn't feel this way.
Now it consumes me....

The fact I suffer from depression has no bearing that I feel depressed.
If I feel no one gets me, or that I feel lonely/depressed guess what?
I am right! 100% of the time no matter what a doctor tells me, or what a stranger over the net says...

Who is to blame?
Is it the rude and insensitive people who called me those names???
Is it the condition of depression that compels me, and controls me to feel a certain way
which happens to be associated with negative behaviour?


How a person answers these questions tells me all I need to know about them
and their current state of mind.

Originally posted by Chinesis
So...You are telling the OP that suicide is ok
and that if he does decide to end his life he will also be "save" like your mother because both
of them fail to handle life and then inherent hardships that encompass it????? I am shocked!

You are very ignorant if you feel a premeditated suicide replete with
careful and prudent planning will bring closure and solace to the immediate family...

This (concept) is absurd. You are speaking on a hypothetical not on fact which could never
be isolated from conjecture based on the premise of "beliefs" and their constructs which
are limitless by design.

Your entire post doesn't make much sense (if any) yet I'm still
trying as hard as I can to see your point of view and I can't.

No not specifically.. but I can respect the will of the mind if one is so bad treated in life trough their experience and disappointments in live due to sickness in the worst form. That mind refuses to live on in this life and wants to pass on! to higher realms but that should only be under very carefully doctors supervision.

And in the case of my mother she was unstoppable.. She blamed me that I rescued her ..That I stopped her suicide two times she hated me for that.. At the end you can only think emotionally and let it go how painful it may be.. But if think of suicide and to inflict it to myself .. I say I don't have the guts to do that.. And I would say to myself you can always find a way to bend your mind and take on another course in life. And also I think that it will disrupt my spiritual journey here and in the afterlife.. That is also what told my mom ten years ago when this all begun and she spoke of it for first time after that we tried everything.. Nothing helped!

don't know if you lost someone very dear full the same way I did maybe you could understand.

But then again I can understand just as even you vision about this.. and will respect that!

Originally posted by 0bserver1
No not specifically.. but I can respect the will of the mind if one is so bad treated in life trough their experience and disappointments in live due to sickness in the worst form. That mind refuses to live on in this life and wants to pass on! to higher realms but that should only be under very carefully doctors supervision.

I truly hope you can appreciate I'm not personally attacking you nor your mother for that matter
so much as I'm strongly disagreeing with both of your actions...I am of guided by truth
and that truth tells me our opinions, our actions aren't personal in nature to who we truly are
as individuals. They are just extensions.

Originally posted by 0bserver1And in the case of my mother she was unstoppable.. She blamed me that I rescued her ..That I stopped her suicide two times she hated me for that.. At the end you can only think emotionally and let it go how painful it may be.. But if think of suicide and to inflict it to myself .. I say I don't have the guts to do that.. And I would say to myself you can always find a way to bend your mind and take on another course in life. And also I think that it will disrupt my spiritual journey here and in the afterlife.. That is also what told my mom ten years ago when this all begun and she spoke of it for first time after that we tried everything.. Nothing helped!

I could only empathise so much but know nothing of that circumstance with my mother.
My mother was the most virtuous woman I'd ever met, a modern day saint if there ever was one...
...I understand the pain and mental anguish you felt and then some.

Beliefs actually triumph over facts or evidence.
I feel and sense that my body mind and soul as one, and for this reason alone is why I believe there
is a process of our soul being reincarnated because we cannot possibly learn everything there is to
know concerning life and all that encompass it.

Originally posted by 0bserver1don't know if you lost someone very dear full the same way I did maybe you could understand.

But then again I can understand just as even you vision about this.. and will respect that!

I fully respect you and your opinion.
I just happen to disagree with its message and construct.


I lost someone to suicide but it wasn't my mother.
My mother warned me 3 days before her death that her mother "made the call to come home..."
A best friend with a strong bond.
We were inseparable as we were meta-physical doppelgangers.

The suicide was a shock, namely due to the person's uncanny ability to
act happy and was a master of facial manipulation so that the sadness could not
be seen....

BUT...here is where I take a different approach on suicide...
Do *I* want to expend all of my love, energy, compassion onto a person
who basically # on my feelings, my efforts, and intentionally damaged my emotional
self because they decided to be so selfish...that they would take their own life...
and leave an entire community scarred for an undetermined amount of time????

My hurt is emotional...my reaction is with intellect, knowledge and logic.
His family is like my family, they even tried to blame me for not noticing the "signs."
There weren't any (good looking, intelligent, girls loved him, advanced placement in school)
He had zero visible flaws.

I refuse to let someone as selfish as that infiltrate my entire state of being
and like a cancer consume every ounce of me until I'm left with nothing...


You cannot justify asinine action.
I don't and I won't....I could never take my own life for the many
wonderful reasons that make me who I am today (both good and bad)

Love thyself!

I ran across a song on accident today.. I am only adding this to put in the suicides perspective.. Because some people wont take up for them I will..(fighting for those who cant, isnt that something..) I think it is important to realize we are not in thier shoes..

I have heard many reasons why people suicide, money, drugs, loved ones telling them to screw off, and a slew of other reasons.. But in the end it was their choice and I will defend most of their choices to no end.. There are a few I do not agree with for my own reasons and are just.. Getting back at someone isnt a good reason to suicide.. and some others..

Anyway this song is called What Its Like by Everlast.. In the end we can not put judgement on someone for we do not know what its like to be in that persons shoes.. We think we know best but in actuality we dont know a damn thing on what these people were going through when these decided to kill themselves.. We should at least try and understand what makes a person do such a thing and why.. This post is a good layout on how a suicide thinks, it has a lot of good comments and alot of self fish comments.. It is good and it is bad.. There is alot of ways we can do some things but we choose to put our own needs 1st..

The song is here..


I do want to say this post will be targeted by suicides so I am going add some #'s and sites that can help people who are screwed up way way worse than what i can be.(Mods these links can you add them in the 1st post of mine? I should have thought about that when i made this post.. I didnt think of it till now however.. it would be cool.)

This is the Suicide Hotline in the US..
1-800-273-TALK(8255)

Site on suicide prevention
www.stampoutsuicide.org.uk...
www.socialanxietysupport.com...

Try to think 1st before you decide to kill yourself.. If you feel it is right then I will have no objection, But as some people said here maybe something will become better later(I do not believe this but meh, I am trying to be helpful.)
But if you decide to take your life then I guess it was the best idea for you...

I seem to be feeling a tad better so since i am thinking straight i figured I would add this in here.. because 1 moment of clarity is better spent on something good and I choose this.

Reading through this thread brought the following song to mind. To me, it reflects what goes on in the mind of a suicidal person perfectly. Listen to the lyrics and you'll understand.
Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne - Close My Eyes Forever

Originally posted by Chinesis
I lost someone to suicide but it wasn't my mother.
My mother warned me 3 days before her death that her mother "made the call to come home..."
A best friend with a strong bond.
We were inseparable as we were meta-physical doppelgangers.

The suicide was a shock, namely due to the person's uncanny ability to
act happy and was a master of facial manipulation so that the sadness could not
be seen....

BUT...here is where I take a different approach on suicide...
Do *I* want to expend all of my love, energy, compassion onto a person
who basically # on my feelings, my efforts, and intentionally damaged my emotional
self because they decided to be so selfish...that they would take their own life...
and leave an entire community scarred for an undetermined amount of time????

My hurt is emotional...my reaction is with intellect, knowledge and logic.
His family is like my family, they even tried to blame me for not noticing the "signs."
There weren't any (good looking, intelligent, girls loved him, advanced placement in school)
He had zero visible flaws.

I refuse to let someone as selfish as that infiltrate my entire state of being
and like a cancer consume every ounce of me until I'm left with nothing...


You cannot justify asinine action.
I don't and I won't....I could never take my own life for the many
wonderful reasons that make me who I am today (both good and bad)

Love thyself!

That's very sad story.. And I can imagine how your emotions can be divided as it can, Every state of emotion runs through your system.

And it looks like other close related people always trying to find a way of accusing the ones who were close to the person in life.. That's also a form of collateral damage that happen. But love ones of that particular person always try to understand what happens they want answers and don't look what they did them-self to help or uncover what was wrong in the image of this person.

There are so many different cases of suicidal people, that what I also stated before needs so great deal of research on how to make suicidal s happier in life.

I bet If you knew you probably took some actions to help him/her in this part.

Its hard when you not see it coming. You can never blame yourself for this. And yes you always have to love yourself to love others so don't stop doing it. That you have the strength to stand tall above all this and find a better way in life as the ones who sadly didn't achieve this inner spirituality.

just want to say to the fellow people wanting to end their lives : hey guys/girls, wait a minute, because it's going to become intresting , don't do it please, try to forget it because the times they are a'changing and we see lots of UFO's in the sky, something is happening that will change your/our minds !!!
we are not alone !!
it's going to be very fascinating, so wait please and see what will happen in the future !!!
you could become in close relation to your fellow friends/family/citizens/collegues etc etc ... and feel everybody is the same in this UNIVERSE full of questions and curious events ......
could become happy, could become an outcome ....... just wait and see !!!!!
sorry for my english/american as I am french speaking stranger !!! peace ! and HOPE !!!!!!

Originally posted by Sunlionspirit
just want to say to the fellow people wanting to end their lives : hey guys/girls, wait a minute, because it's going to become intresting , don't do it please, try to forget it because the times they are a'changing and we see lots of UFO's in the sky, something is happening that will change your/our minds !!!
we are not alone !!
it's going to be very fascinating, so wait please and see what will happen in the future !!!
you could become in close relation to your fellow friends/family/citizens/collegues etc etc ... and feel everybody is the same in this UNIVERSE full of questions and curious events ......
could become happy, could become an outcome ....... just wait and see !!!!!
sorry for my english/american as I am french speaking stranger !!! peace ! and HOPE !!!!!!

the more I read about all this things, the more I think about all this, the more I am sure LOVE, TRUE LOVE is a very big and maybe THE only positiv FORCE in the universe !!!!! I read about water getting cristalised only by thinking, I read about physics and string theory, I read about we are all just ONE, I read about reincarnation, it's all going back to the only and ONE force : LOVE !!!! if you think positiv it will end positiv, if you think negativ it will end less positiv ( therefor not negativ !! ) this life is just a school for comprehension of what LOVE really is !! We are just coming out of animal kingdom, we are just out of our animal fundations, we grow and we become more spiritual, our understanding is following our questionings, we MUST learn here in this world, LEARN the way it goes in afterlife !!!! we are not just animals any longer, our spirits can learn about things animals cann't, we once were animals but at some time we got some genetic modification or other intervention by ??? that did allow us to think about ourselves and about the others ........ that is the beginning of LOVE !!!! = think about the OTHERS !!!
So, HOPE is the issue, HOPE things will change in a positiv way for humanity !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we are the creators of our future !!! think about it ! love your fellow earthlings, love your own life so you can love the life of the others !!!!! Peace, I mean it : PEACE - I do " reiki " it to all of you !!!

Originally posted by 0bserver1

Originally posted by Chinesis
I lost someone to suicide but it wasn't my mother.
My mother warned me 3 days before her death that her mother "made the call to come home..."
A best friend with a strong bond.
We were inseparable as we were meta-physical doppelgangers.

The suicide was a shock, namely due to the person's uncanny ability to
act happy and was a master of facial manipulation so that the sadness could not
be seen....

BUT...here is where I take a different approach on suicide...
Do *I* want to expend all of my love, energy, compassion onto a person
who basically # on my feelings, my efforts, and intentionally damaged my emotional
self because they decided to be so selfish...that they would take their own life...
and leave an entire community scarred for an undetermined amount of time????

My hurt is emotional...my reaction is with intellect, knowledge and logic.
His family is like my family, they even tried to blame me for not noticing the "signs."
There weren't any (good looking, intelligent, girls loved him, advanced placement in school)
He had zero visible flaws.

I refuse to let someone as selfish as that infiltrate my entire state of being
and like a cancer consume every ounce of me until I'm left with nothing...


You cannot justify asinine action.
I don't and I won't....I could never take my own life for the many
wonderful reasons that make me who I am today (both good and bad)

Love thyself!

That's very sad story.. And I can imagine how your emotions can be divided as it can, Every state of emotion runs through your system.

And it looks like other close related people always trying to find a way of accusing the ones who were close to the person in life.. That's also a form of collateral damage that happen. But love ones of that particular person always try to understand what happens they want answers and don't look what they did them-self to help or uncover what was wrong in the image of this person.

There are so many different cases of suicidal people, that what I also stated before needs so great deal of research on how to make suicidal s happier in life.

I bet If you knew you probably took some actions to help him/her in this part.

Its hard when you not see it coming. You can never blame yourself for this. And yes you always have to love yourself to love others so don't stop doing it. That you have the strength to stand tall above all this and find a better way in life as the ones who sadly didn't achieve this inner spirituality

Here is something I bet you'd never hear someone tell you...


*I* know I can solve my grief, my sorrow and lack of wanting to live any longer...
The fact is: Life is all about mind over matter...

The fact is: *I* do NOT want to solve my grief, my sorrow.

This is the truth.

The difference is I don't ever want to kill myself so I do move on, although slightly.
For this reason alone...I don't make decisions anymore because I know
what cause and effect do once people choose...

I'm afraid, I'm scared #less!
I have people (actually one person) around me that loves me (the other is a cat)

I'm getting evicted (by my loving father) and I must be out of the house
the week before Christmas lol!

I haven't a job, no one to turn to and no where to go...
What I will not do is do nothing and wait.

*I* refuse to let myself become a victim by the hand of another no matter who they are.
*I* will rise up and I will overcome this...not because I have to...

....but because *I* choose to.

Don't kill yourself



Not worth it, been there

the problem with the premature suicide - is that it drops you straight back to the new even deeper hostility.

reply to post by angelx666


This is wrong, through research I can basically stated this to be false with proof.

Suicide is an interesting topic. A lot depends on your metaphysical worldview. If you are an atheist and believe there is nothing after life, then suicide seems like a viable option. If you are suffering more than experiencing joy and can't see a solution to your problems, then the logical choice is to commit suicide. That is, if you believe that life is a cosmic accident in a meaningless and purposeless universe. If this is the case, then life serves no real lasting purpose anyway. However, an atheist might argue that you are hurting your loved ones by committing suicide. My reply would be that under an atheistic worldview, their pain and suffering will someday cease to exist as the universe will die out along with us. Our lives would have no meaning anyway.

I'm guessing the majority of us on ATS are not disposed to this worldview. The other metaphysical worldview views life as a creation of some cosmic intelligence. We are all players in this cosmic drama and aspects of this one Consciousness. Life's purpose is for us to experience our potential. Now, if everyone has a purpose, then suicide would not be a viable option. If we commit suicide, then we fail to fulfill our purpose. Like others have said, we will have to come back and fulfill that purpose in another life. Even with all the pain in the world and in our lives, knowing that we are all aspects of a greater intelligence and will return to that intelligence after death is comforting. For no matter what happens in life, it fulfills a purpose and we will eventually be reunited with our Source. In the short of it, we are all loved. I encourage you to take a look at my paper posted on the Near Death Experience website: www.nderf.org...

reply to post by ThichHeaded


My ThickHead,(smile) I hear you. Sometimes I feel like a thick head because my thoughts are not as the masses until I succumb to the truth that I am not the masses. We are so much the same, suffering many years when everything seems opposite as it should be, especially with the effort we put in this game called life. That may be a cliche statement but I say it because I truly feel we create or are given a certain hand and we make with it what we will or can.

At the age of four, I was led to pray for wisdom in this life and I did. I got down on my knees every night and prayed for wisdom, hardly knowing what wisdom was, save a feeling of not having any in the household of my mother. I never felt safe there and had good reason. A few years later, seven or eight, angels would talk to me in my head. They would pronounce my name and then say, "don't forget to keep up your vibratory level" in such sweet melodic and motherly voices, it was incredible. I would say, "okay" and feel such love from them. I truly believed these angels. Somehow I knew what vibratory level meant, and much of it was to believe in me on the inside not matter what happened. I knew they were watching over me.

One day all of my friends were playing under a bridge. I was about eight then. It was my turn to be the seeker. I hid my face in the tree and counted from ten down to one. "Ready or not, here I come," I said, turning around and finding myself in a different dimension. It was indescribably beautiful. You could see the golden sun rays falling toward the ground where the flowers and grasses were sparkling and truly dancing with the rays. The sky was breathing and a beautiful blue that I cannot fully describe. As I looked forward, I saw a great many sheep. They were beautiful and I wanted to go to them immediately. The colors of everything were so brilliant, as if I was in a master's landscape painting.

Just as I began to step over a very low wooden fence, not even a foot high, the angels whispered to me, "Na, ah, ah, your time is not yet." I was stunned and stood there with a million thoughts of wanting to go and knowing I couldn't, wondering where I was and how I got there, the voices of the angels and how sweet they were, that they must be my true family and why can't I be with them and why, why, why...me.

By this time my friends were standing all around me calling my name. I was back. They were calling my name and asking me why I didn't come to find them. I can't remember my answer as my mind wasn't on them, the game or anything aside from knowing that I would be going back there one day, that was where my home was and I have always, always missed it, even before this special day.

Those angels never came back to me again. I did have dreams of other lifetimes and in them I was always detached and not feeling a part of where I was. The day that I turned 20 I perceived, what I recognized to be a male voice to come to me and told me that people were going to hurt me and I would never understand why but to hold on and one day the answers would come. Then I became angry. I had already been thru so much as a kid and teenager and now this? The voice was totally correct and in a large sense, going thru all that I have, that voice made it easier to bear my life. I am now 53 years and I look very young, although this past year I have aged more than ever. I did keep up my vibratory level until I couldn't do it any longer. At intervals of my life, I prayed that my innocence not be taken from me in this world filled with such incongruities (sp) and above all, liars and defrauders and betrayers. All of that has happened to me constantly by my own mother right down now to my own son and a host of others in between.

My mother I knew about . I was taken out of my middle-class upbringing and put into a home for neglected children becoming a ward of the State because my mother was a not-yet diagnosed borderline and diagnosed bi-polar with schizoid tendencies. She was ruthless and I was the black sheep. I was told she was toxic I should never go home again by my counselors. They saw so much more than I. I just saw how sad my situation was and I felt responsibilty to try to change it so that I might have a chance in this world, that things can't be this bad and I felt if this was true that my little brothers were in imminent danger and wanted to go back to "save" them. I had no idea how insane my mother was and how insane all of them would be, two older siblings and the two younger ones...what a textbook case is my family. I was truly fighting the wind in this unwinnable situation and it was me who suffered for it by being trained to take abuse and now realizing how impactful the abuse actually was to my life. Gaslighting is insiduous for someone like me who truly loves people and wants the best for everyone. More on that later...

I met so many people like my mother and became the scapegoat for everyone that needed one. I was gaslighted so bad by my mother with the family following her lead that I should write a book about it but the details are so thick I don't know where to begin. All I ever wanted to do was help them because I always sawa all sides and I was simply was raised to help and to save which only made me a victim...which is what my counselors at the school saw that I did not. Too late.

Long/short, I had a beautiful relationship with my son. I was a strong and dedicated mother, but now at the age of 24-27 he has turned into my mother with a vengeance to my horror and done some very cruel things to me that are just not necessary to mention and he is still doing them even today. Oh, it so much worse than what I am writing, but I truly believe that for whatever reason, I was saved from choosing to be like these people and although it truly hurts so much to go thru such betrayal, I still thank God that I am not one of them.

Needless to say, with going thru tons of therapy, ten years ago thick-headed me (smile) realized so much about my abuse by my mother and how it molded my present. I have always had really good runs of making incredible successes but with my son turning against me and being castigated by all of my family for bringing the truth of the situation to them, I am now the outcast; I am dead to them, really, really dead. They enjoy comisserating against me as if their very lives depend on it and in a large sense it does. They are afraid of the truths of the things that happened to all of us as we grew up and even as adults and I was the one that always fought against all the lies and manipulations of my mother to make things right. They have killed the messenger.

I still have an innocence about myself, although I fear my vibratory level is very, very low, and I know it's low because it most definitely is time for me to leave this planet. I have nothing else to do. I have no attachments that will miss me or cry for me and if they did cry due to my death, I would hope that my life finally meant someting to them and that they may grow from it in honor and in truth. I know in this life, at 53 and all that this world is coming to now, all the lying, cheating, gaslighting by our government, hating, satanic minded imbeciles running amuck,...wow, the world is sooo very much like my family...there is no need for me to be here. I came here to be a mirror. Not that I'm so great. But I came here that people could choose who they would be and they chose the easy way out because they thought, they thought, I was easy pickings, they all realized much sooner rather than later that they lost themselves by hating and abusing me. Or being that mirror, they saw themselves for who they really were and hated me for it, although I was only a mirror, a veritable lamb to the slaughter I have been. The only way in the world as it stands now for me is to leave it.

I truly know my time has come. It's only a matter of time. I am not working and have savings enough to relax and not fix things anymore for my own life or for anyone else's for another few months, and I'm enjoying these last vestages pondeirng my life and what it has meant I can go and have no regrets about anything I have done. Everything I have done was pure and not intended to hurt or cause intentional pain to anyone. I just don't belong here. To stay here would be self-inflicted pain and punishment and I received so much of that, I don't need it anymore to learn another thing about my place in the world. I too have thought of suicide at varous intervals in my life but now I know it's okay and I will be accepted.

For those who think of a myriad of reasons to keep someone here that has truly tried earnestly to be here, it's like the definition of insanity, trying the same thing over and over and getting the same results. Who really would do that? Crazy people. There is nothing anyone can say that the person who wants to self-terminate hasn't thought of, believe me. Once one comes to the realization that it's not working no matter what, and this all goes with an age factor or an experience factor, it's ludicrous and cruel to come up with such shallow reasons. I don't mean to be cruel because most of you have no idea what a person who is truly tired of living goes thru to even get up in the mornings. I mean, the soles of my feet ache when I put them on the ground. It is so symbolic of the pain I am carrying around. There are all sorts of signs one gets when it's time and nothing anyone that is not suicidal can come up with is good enough to make them want to stay if they truly want to leave.

So I understand each and every word you have written in this thread, ThickHead. If you choose to self-terminate, above all, I wish you self-acceptance and the inward joy of realizing that you have served a high purpose that not many would want to be appointed for or take on. You being here was an unselfish act for humankind. You may not understand why you were placed here but in a large way it was for others to make choices as to who they are and for your vibration to resonante in the world until it doesn't resonate anymore. We all just serve as witnesses...Maybe we will see each other on the other side...xxoo

reply to post by iamiwillbeagain


Thanks for Your story.. It was interesting. I am doing fine now..
Night Star has helped me alot through my issues I was dealing with..
She was there most of the time I was online and she was there to be an ear or whatever.

I am fine but my statements still stand for what I have said.. I would never say a suicide has to be left on this planet if they choose not to. I was searching for something and came by an old post of mine on a suicide by chainsaw and defended that action that guy decided to do. So this is something inside me. We have no right to judge a suicide because they decided to kill themselves..
In the bible it says everything under the heaven bla bla there is a time to live and a time to die. So if the suicide dies then it was thier time to go. If they dont they would just have to deal with life until they die.

Thanks again everyone on the help you have given me in this thread. People who are thinking about killing themselves... THink about everything 1st before you do it.. Then if you feel that you should there is not much people can really say or do to convince you otherwise.. But if you feel its right then we cant say much about it.. Only to be there and try and understand why you decided to do what you did.

Thich has certainly come a long way and it is such a relief and a pleasure to see. Just remember people, you never know what might be around the corner. Just because things are dark and terrible and have been for some time, doesn't mean it always be. Wishing everyone the strength and courage they need to see their way through. Big Hug!