Human Sexual Selection and Colon Size?

I don't know why some of you are having such a hard time understanding this correlation. Colon size is the primary factor in choosing a mate, far above ideological compatibility and physical appearance. It's the very first thing I check! Gosh, how can you be so clueless? Sometimes I wonder if ATS is the right website for me--my intellect sometimes causes me to feel so, so very isolated.

LucidLunacy, I'm sorry, but you really should be embarrassed.

reply to post by paperplanes


For better or worse, I go after big colons not big brains.

Call me superficial... what can I say? MTV made me do it!

reply to post by Lucid Lunacy


Thank the heavens, there is hope for you yet! Perhaps my cutting insult was premature.

With the colon's phenomenal sexiness, I just cannot imagine why the public has not caught onto this. We must be at the vanguard of hipness, you and I. They'll all come around in time.

In case you guys seem to think I am jokeing, I'm not. I know this was a study done somewhere, I just have to find it.

I think I have where you got it from ...

www.theonion.com...

Not sure if you know this, but The Onion is a newspaper that doesn't give real news. It is supposed to be funny, like as in a joke.

Originally posted by Lucid Lunacy
reply to post by goldbomb444

 

So which one of my lines best represents the findings of this study??

I R B confused

Oh no . . . not the colon disconnect



Oh man . . . sorry . ..

No, it wasn't from the Onion. And that Onion report said nothing about Colon size.

Iam REALLY trying hard to grasp this as a serious topic.
It just raises too many questions for me.
WHY would anyone do a study on this?
WHO funded it?
WHO participated?
ARE THEY really serious?

WHO really cares? (Not meant in a rude way to the op, I just mean..justification for conducting a study such as this in the first place.)
And last but not least...WHO really uses this method to test for a potential mate?
Not exactly the question at the top of my list.

phew, thank god my colon is enormous! Had a little scare there when i saw the title.

reply to post by hikix



The official medical term for your condition is "megacolon"...I kid you not.

Doesn't "megacolon" sound decidedly un-medical??? Sounds more like the name of a giant beast...heeeyyyy, I think I smell a new Godzilla screenplay!

Well, I've taken the bait and searched for this "study..." can't find anything related to the OP.

What I DO have is alot of explaining to do if my spouse decides to take a peek at what I Googled today...

Originally posted by goldbomb444
Ok, it is driveing me nuts Somewhere I read that a study of happily married couples has shown a correlation in colon size. I can't find this article. If anyone has heard the same and knows where it came from, please share!

I dont know what country you are from...but here in the good ol' USA...we dont call THAT body part a COLON


[edit on 11/14/2008 by greeneyedleo]

reply to post by goldbomb444

Okay, Goldbomb444...I did manage to find a link to a scientific paper regarding human evolution & sexual selection that, while failing to mention colon size, does discuss the role of buttock size in choosing a mate.

www.davidbrin.com...

On a personal note, I must admit that my colon has never seen the light of day (the proverbial "where the sun don't shine"), so I'm pretty sure that it was NOT a factor when Mr. Ezziboo proposed to me.




[edit on 14-11-2008 by ezziboo]

[edit on 14-11-2008 by Irish Matador]

This is one of the funniest threads I have seen on ATS!!

My 2 cents suggestion;

Maybe everyone could get their colons measured and then when you go out on the hunt of a friday night you could wear a colon measurement badge??

Major benefits:

1. Less chatting up time
2. Compatability assured (this is mainly for the women as men dont care)
3. If he/she was crap in bed then the measurement was taken wrong!!!

If this becomes a business idea it could mean the end of modern on line dating as we know it!!!

Originally posted by Irish Matador
This is one of the funniest threads I have seen on ATS!!

My 2 cents suggestion;

Maybe everyone could get their colons measured and then when you go out on the hunt of a friday night you could wear a colon measurement badge??

Major benefits:

1. Less chatting up time
2. Compatability assured (this is mainly for the women as men dont care)
3. If he/she was crap in bed then the measurement was taken wrong!!!

If this becomes a business idea it could mean the end of modern on line dating as we know it!!!

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*Name
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*Location
*Favorite food
*Favorite Music
and the most important match maker....
*Colon Size


Finding your perfect partner is even easier now that you can see your match's colon size.

eHarmony is DifferentAt eHarmony, our patented Compatibility Matching System® narrows the field from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles that are compatible with you and your colon. Unlike other sites where you can post a picture and paragraph and then browse the profiles of other users, eHarmony does the matching for you based on 29 DimensionsTM of personality and colon size that are scientifically-based predictors of long-term relationship success = colon connection
www.eharmony.com...

Success Story:

Angela and Nathan thought they would never find true love. But with the new colon size match feature, they were able to find their soul mate - each other!

"I will show you mine, if you show me yours!"


*eharmony modification by, me.

[edit on 11/14/2008 by greeneyedleo]

Originally posted by goldbomb444
Ok, it is driveing me nuts Somewhere I read that a study of happily married couples has shown a correlation in colon size. I can't find this article. If anyone has heard the same and knows where it came from, please share!

Tell the truth.
You posted this for a dare!
Didn't you?


Was the article referring to the entire colon, or to the the ascending colon, the transverse colon, the descending colon, or the sigmoid colon?

There could be a correlation, if colon size relates to diet.
People are probably more likely to pair-bond with someone who enjoys a similar diet.
Or they could eat similar foods after pair-bonding (nearly put a "k" in bonding) and the colon might adapt to suit.

However I find it difficult to believe that anyone has done a study on the relative size ratios of couples' colons.

How would one...

Politely

Determine the size

Of a potential mates Colon?

Particularly in a singles environment, prior to getting emotionally or intimately involved in order to avoid disastrous relationships?

I have had a few...poor relationships and if it is a simple matter of determining colon size...

well, I would like to be able to gather this information when I first meet a young lady...

But,

I draw a complete blank on how to do this

Any suggestions?

reply to post by mopusvindictus

Ex-salesman admits medical equipment theft
Pleads guilty to stealing 66 colonoscopes

In all, he took 66 scopes, valued at slightly more than $1.5 million. And he netted nearly $500,000 by selling them to companies in New Hampshire, Florida and Illinois.

This guy might have one left for you.

Ahhh... so this is what one of my patients meant when she said, shortly after having to get a Colostomy bag surgically installed, "I'll never be able to get a man now."