I don't want to talk about it . . .

(warning for sadness)

I don't want to talk about it ...

At the time and on that day my wife and I were renting an apartment in the West Village at 95 Horatio St. Half a block from West St. and approximately 25 blocks from the WTC.

Without wishing to revisit that day but for the briefest of moments but I will say this. Of all the scorched memories of the day, I will never forget the the combination of taste and smell that was impossible to wash away during the first few days. A combination of dust, concrete, smoke, burned flesh, and who knows what else.

The Mayor decided to evacuate everybody below Canal Street. They allowed restricted access only to residents between Canal and 14th street. Horatio St. is between Canal and 14th. I say this because we could have packed up and left in the days that followed, but to go where really?

Please, why am I talking about this ...

To this day, on the rare occasion when my mind drifts to those days, it will sometimes trigger a "memory" reflex in my throat and I swear I can still taste death.

There is condition that plagues a lot of people in NYC, and I imagine the other places where the planes crashed, and everywhere else. It's this kind of malaise that builds subconsciously inside you and it starts every year towards the middle of august. You start seeing plugs on tv for new 9/11 documentaries, they start showing the planes crashing, they keep talking about ceremonies and memorials, you start remembering the friends and neighbors that were lost, etc etc.

And this gradual depression evolves and increases as the day grows near.

I don't want to and I can't watch a lot of these exposes.

I don't have the appropriate and proportional emotional capacity to respond to the facts. I'll store my feelings on these facts in the same dark place I keep all the others from those those days, and hope they don't eat me from within.

I am done talking about it ....

For some all this stuff is important, it gives them a sense that their loved ones perished for something important or that solving the "mysteries" or "knowing" will make the whole thing more understandable. I think that is wonderful! I have so much respect and appreciation for both 9/11 "truthers" and "skeptics" for caring enough to get involved.

For others like us, we'd be very happy to never hear of it again.
So we'll wait till that's over in a few days.

All my best wishes and love to those who are dealing with these feelings as we speak.
All my love to every one. You raise me up.

I don't want to talk about it . . .

I guess you guys don't want to talk about it either?

I don't blame you.

I know the OP is a downer, but the thread doesn't have to be.



[edit on 9/7/2008 by schrodingers dog]

What you described is reminiscent of dissociation.

Should you feel the need to, research dissociation and to a lesser extent Post Traumatic Stress. The 'muscle memory' you experience is normal, the only reason it is more prominent now (as I imagine considering the time of year) is due to the fact that the experience was highly unpleasant and one in which everyone shared.

It's normal. But unpleasant.

Originally posted by MemoryShock
What you described is reminiscent of dissociation.

Pretty much. For most of the year but for the days every year running up to the anniversary. Pretty effective tool to suppress unpleasantness.
Devastating psychological lasting effects you say.
I'll deal with those later.

I agree, people don't really want to talk about it anymore, that doesn't mean we can't remember.

reply to post by The_Alarmist2012


Well it would be fine if some shared their rising anxiety at the nearing of the anniversary.

On the other hand it is a very personal thing to talk about on a forum.

Hopefully it's an indication that perhaps some of the wounds are healing.

With the two new 9/11 documentaries tonight, I thought this article might be relevant:

Unpublished research by Corinne Enright at the University of Wisconsin-Platteville found that Americans who watched media coverage of the anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks not only thought another major attack in the US was more likely, they also suffered more symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) than those who didn't. This psychological effect was noted in 2002 by William Schlenger, then at the Research Triangle Institute, North Carolina, who found the likelihood of someone suffering PTSD as a result of 9/11 increased with the number of hours of television coverage they watched (Journal of the American Medical Association, vol 288, p 581).
NS

I guess I'm going to tivo Discovery tonight and maybe some of you can tell me later if they are worth watching or too graphic. It would help me a lot.

Shro the more of your posts i read the more it seems that you and your avatar are one and the same.... The shocking tragedy of 9/11 will never be forgotten even by those who close off their emotions and cast it into the file 13 of your heart. I have no doubt however that if we could commune with the fallen of 9/11 they would express much desire for you to leave the bitterness behind you. Those who were victims on 9/11 have been elevated to the status of "hero". Wether because they gave rise to a global war to defeat terrorists or because their sacrifice opened up the eyes of masses and made them question the PTB is irrelevant. Personaly schro I understand what you are feeling (having some traumatic experiences of my own) but to wallow in the sorrow and to continually deny yourself peace-of-mind about it detracts from the heroism of their sacrifice, and will forever constrain you to seeing them as victims and not as the heroes they are. That was a horrific day in history but we must believe that we can for their sake, for their honor, move on, we must make our world better we must defeat evil in whatever form and we must always always remember their sacrifice.

hope that was clear schro.... im much better at talking about science and politics and the likes so im not to sure if i came across as clearly as id hoped

Hey SD. It is one thing to see an event of this magnitude and loss on TV.
You experienced the sit with all five senses which is exponetial.

I believe your feelings on the matter are quite normal and unfortunately part of you forever.

I'd take the wife to a movie, the zoo, to play pool, anything. Just to try to try to take your mind off it. Also there is nothing wrong about lighting a white candle and saying a few prayers for the dead.

By the way, how did the debate go? j

[edit on 9/7/2008 by jpm1602]

Originally posted by jpm1602
By the way, how did the debate go? j

It's interesting you ask me that.
I guess it's going ok, we're still in the middle of it.

It is however proving to be very helpful inasmuch as it is keeping me distracted during these strange days.

ATS is "literally" helping me.

(((big hugs))) to you OP!! (and I don't express that kind of emotion often in 'public' )

I have mixed emotions. The day that so many ppl's souls were exiting this world, I was in labor bringing a soul in. I have never felt such a turbulent range of emotions.. It was all that was on t.v. and everyone in the hospital was alive with chatter and fear on the events. Yet silently in my mind I was excited to see my baby yet at the same time fearful of what I had done by bringing this soul into the world considering. I was and have often wondered if he encountered some of the souls exiting on his way into the world... I know that sounds nutty, and it probably is.... but it was one of those strange thoughts that entered my mind on a very strange day.

I remember when he finally came.. it wasn't like you would see on t.v or even in real life.. I was all smiles while I worked to bring him into the unsafe world.. I just couldn't wait to hold him in my arms.

The greatest part was when they handed him to me IMMEDIATELY after (which wasn't policy in the hospital, but they made exception considering the events of the day) and he wasn't crying... he was looking around at everyone and there was not one person standing there that didn't give a quiet gasp, including my wonderful doctor. Kind of confirmed to me that there is something more out there. Just that look of wisdom and knowing despite him being a newborn.

So, 9/11 will always be a day to remember both a tragic loss and a grand entrance.



[edit on 7-9-2008 by justamomma]

reply to post by justamomma


Wow j,
What an incredible and beautiful existential juxtaposition of life created and lost in one moment.
Life always prevails.
Thank you.

Originally posted by schrodingers dogLife always prevails.
Thank you.

Exactly my sentiments and what I am always reminded of when life looks to be in dire moments. Life prevails. One other thing I didn't mention is that day in that hospital (and I have heard it wasn't the only hospital) was a record day that still holds (as I call each year to see if the record has been topped) for the number of births. There were several women in the hallways going into labor because all the rooms were taken (although I am sure they were taken to other rooms in the hospital to actually give birth, but could be wrong since I was so involved with my delivery... was lucky I had a private dr along with a reserved room). That day has always made me wonder about reincarnation.. though I don't subscibe to the idea definatively.. still, one has to wonder.

And thank you for sharing your experience. It is the one day that stands out in my mind more than all others in my life as I am sure it does to most Americans.

[edit on 7-9-2008 by justamomma]

(((Justmomma))) I was pregnant at that time too. My daughter was due Oct 11. On October 12th she was born, and I watched all the flag waving and patriotism on tv in the hospital room. It was because of it, and the fact it was a family name, that I gave my daughter the middle name, America. I was afraid just like you, to bring a life into this crazy world, but I was pregnant with my first during the beginning of the Gulf War as well. I often wonder how the real victims of 9/11 are doing, the ones that survived the losses. It is good SD that you are in a place where you are willing to talk about it at all. We can learn from you, before we have a situation arrive in our lives that causes those kind of symptoms and effects. I have never experienced anything like it, except for car accidents. I have never lost anyone very close to me. I have lost friends but I haven't experienced it on a large scale with a sense or smell of "death" nor such a far reaching event. I hope you can find some kind of peace with it.

Originally posted by seagrass
I hope you can find some kind of peace with it.

Thanks seagrass.

I didn't mean to start a "make me feel better" thread, I hope it's not coming off like that.
I didn't really mean to make about me specifically.

I just wanted to open the door for others who might wish to travel the next few days together.

Originally posted by schrodingers dog

Originally posted by seagrass
I hope you can find some kind of peace with it.

Thanks seagrass.

I didn't mean to start a "make me feel better" thread, I hope it's not coming off like that.
I didn't really mean to make about me specifically.

I just wanted to open the door for others who might wish to travel the next few days together.

I understand wanting to do this, and I admire you wanting to help others as well, but for those who aren't AS emotionally involved, I think we do wish to express ourselves to those who have experienced it first hand. I don't know anyone from NY or anyone who was there for it.

reply to post by schrodingers dog


SD, thank you for posting this. I'm having a really rough time of it this year too. And talk about a small world -- my cousin and her family live (and did in 2001) on the block of Horatio just off West.

I was living in Hell's Kitchen -- our fire department had a straight shot down the West Side Highway.

I don't think I've ever seen such perfect weather in New York as that day. Walking up the middle of 9th Ave, just baffled, looking around at all the other people who didn't know what to do.

The looks in the eyes of the rescue workers as I handed out bottles of water to those leaving the perimeter before they had adequate infrastructure set up down there.

I live now in a traditionally Irish (read: firemen and policemen) neighborhood of Queens, and it seems sometimes that every other block is named after one of the lost.

I hated what our government used our pain for then, and I hate what it's being used for now.

I don't want to talk about it either.

Still angry after all these years.

reply to post by seagrass


well, in the spirit of things ((hugs)) to you as well! Definately a surreal time to be bringing life into the world, considering.. as I know you understand.

I remember the night before (september 10th.. I was to be induced due to toxemia) being nervous considering it was my first time around. I was watching the news and trying to convince myself that even if I died, the world would go on as normal.. I actually had the off the wall thought watching the t.v. "even television will be normal tomorrow should I die... things will go on as they were meant to." And then BAM!! TV was not normal, life was not normal..

And to SD.. I am glad you shared your experience, and I for one, as I am sure most on here would agree, understand what you were doing. I find it to be a good sign when ppl can share and remember the events of that day.

I, too SG wonder about the ppl that lost family members. One of my very dear friends for the past 3 years (who is now a member of this board as well) lost someone that she knew (she is a new yorker.. through and through) and I know that for her it is a hard subject to talk about, understandably so.

Despite the differences that have been brought about btw truthers and believers, all will remember the victims and where we were that day.. hopefully in that way, for one day we can appreciate the life that we are blessed to still be experiencing.



[edit on 7-9-2008 by justamomma]

I have watched a lot of the documentaries over the years, and most are re-runs. I don't know if I would advise watching them, but I don't think I personally would be able to resist it. I think parts of it are graphic, and some of the statements made might upset you, and take you back there. But you may hear words from others that may be very validating for you and help you understand that others also have the same symptoms.
I guess if you are ready to talk about it, you may be ready to watch the documentaries.

reply to post by seagrass


I am more than happy to answer any questions from anyone should they choose to ask. I truly mean that. We just happened to be living in NYC at the time, but that in no way qualifies me to any possess any great knowledge or understanding. Just a different one.

The whole world wept that day.
These days we remember that.

And on the 12th, as if by magic, it passes.