You're alone because you don't love yourself!

When it comes to those seeking love, I think the most over-used & generic phrase that everyone seems to delight in throwing out there... is "You have to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you".

WHAT exactly does that mean?

I've heard it for years, I've heard it so much that I'm teetering on the edge of being sheerly convinced that there is some kind of microchip implanted in 99% of society's brains that makes them repeat that insufferable phrase indefinitely.

Of course, it's said in various ways and not always as I've quoted word for word, but you know what I mean, surely.

Honestly, I would like to understand this strange and bizarre concept of needing to love yourself first before anyone else will love you. Who can help me make some sense of it? It has never made any sense to me and I feel as if I'm going to be 80 years old some day and still wondering what in the hell everyone was talking about when they said things like that.

You must LoVVVVVVeeeeee yourself first... Oh well it's no wonder you're alone in life, because you don't love yourself yet... and you need to LoVVVVVEeeeee yourself FIRST before you can ever be happy with anyone... **WHAT?!???!!!*

I don't get it.

And a very close second in the all-time most generic phrases that are too over-used... "When you stop looking for it, it'll happen." Again I say... **WHAT?!???!!!*

While I wouldn't go so far as saying "... it's no wonder you're alone in life, because you don't love yourself yet." I do think there may be something to this and I wonder if it is related to the many people who comment on how it seems that when it is least desired, when they are actually in a happy relationship, often it seems as though they garner more romantic interest.

When looking for a partner it must surely be a good omen if a prospective candidate appears at ease and happy with themselves. Others look in from the outside, surely from there no one can have as deep and full an understanding of an individual's character and nuances than the individual themselves? if then even they seem apparently unhappy with that keen understanding and insight it seems reasonable to assume that one less informed might take that as giving cause for concern.

That is why I do also wonder if, as mentioned above, this idea is linked to those already in a relationship being seen as in possession of some attractive quality - precisely because they are not actively/overtly looking for a partner. For if we take it to extremes even the process of someone is actively looking for a relationship might be off-putting to some, conjuring up negative connotations: Why are they so obviously looking? Are they searching so because no one else seen them as an appropriate choice for a partner? If so, again, why? It seems quite understandable then that there is at least the possibility of a number of negative questions may arise. Not, of course, that this necessarily should be so and/or is correct/desirable, just a consideration.

If though (whatever their situation) an individual walks with an air of personal happiness and contentment there are at worst no apparent negative qualities on show. (I say apparent - we should ignore the argument that they may be completely delusional for the moment). How far one takes that lack of negativity itself is up to the individual, but the argument that further to that the absence of such a negative aspect might actually be interpreted as desirable to the point of being attractive I think quite understandable.

Personally I don't like the phrase 'love yourself' I think it far too bold but I do think it an important consideration here that someone at least be in the position of not openly despising their own company.


[edit on 22/6/08 by Mark Harris]

It seems obvious to me that people who are alone all the time, are that way because they don't know how to meet people.

So telling them "it will just happen for you when you're not looking and not trying", is the worst, most counter-productive advice there is. I find that statement even more annoying than the "you have to love yourself first" thing.

The way to break out of these ruts is to learn how to put oneself out there and create new social opportunities. Strike up lots of conversations with lots of new people and make new friends, etc etc.

Obviously, you can't do that without "trying".

I don't believe that it is 100% true, but it is true for some people some of the time.

(Edit to say, the above statement was meant for the OP and not the post above mine.)

Here's a hypothetical case: I like a woman and so I try to get to know her and eventually make a life for the two of us.

Almost daily I have to spend my time trying to boost her self esteem or lift her up in some way. I'm 10 minutes late getting home so I have to spend over 4 hours of my time spread over the next week trying to convince her that I am loyal. She probably still won't believe me because she doesn't like herself and doesn't believe that she is worthy of my loyalty in the first place.

I want to take her out, but she needs 3 days to get ready. There can be nothing done spotaneously. We can't even go to a flea market without her buying a new outfit for the occasion, having her hair professionally done, and buying some new makeup.

Sex? Forget it. It take a week of cajolling and trying to convince her that I won't make fun of her body.

She won't go dancing, she's too self conscious. She won't come to the family reunion, she's too shy. She refuses to meet my friends, what will they think of her?

You see where this goes? Much of the time in the relationship is spent trying to convince her that she is okay instead of making future plans, having fun, or working toward goals.

I once got so frustrated that I actually asked a woman, "How can I love you if you don't?"

Of course the same thing could happen to a man. Few women want a guy who they have to constantly coddle.

The bottom line is this:

If you really think you are unworthy of love, your neediness may drive away anyone who tries to love you.

[edit on 6/22/2008 by MrBender]

reply to post by MrBender


You have a point there; issues with insecurity, or low self-esteem, can certainly drag people down.

But, the only cure for low self-esteem is positive, healthy social interaction, and lots of it. It has to be confronted and dealt with.

People wallowing in it, just makes it worse.

It's pretty simple, really. Women want a guy whose happy and confident in his own life before she can become a part of it. How can he ever hope to make her happy if he can't even make himself happy? What fun could she possibly have with a guy that has nothing going for himself? I know, it's a really unfortunate and ironic truth to life...a little like quick sand. The harder you try to get out of the quicksand, the more it sucks you in. If you try to find somebody else to make you happy with yourself, it doesn't end well. Of course, this isn't really something I know from experience - it's just the way I interpret the statement. And trust me, it's NOT something that's easy for me to say right now, seeing as how I recently got dumped by a girl I love more than my own self. But instead of rushing right out to try and find another girl like I'm tempted to do, I'm trying to get my own life in order. I'm trying to get a few things going for me so that if, someday, I'm ever lucky enough to find a girl that makes me feel the way my previous girlfriend made me feel...I will have something to offer her. Plus, if I get dumped again, I won't be in the same hole that I'm in right now! And yeah, it's a really painful process. I'll admit it - I'm pretty unhappy with my life at the moment, but I'm making strides to change that. I guess I'll get back to you in a little while when I can see how it works out for me!

Oh, and the whole "You'll find it when you're not looking for it." - here's my interpretation on that, and this IS from personal experience. My previous girlfriend (actually, she's been my ONLY girlfriend,) was actually a very good friend of mine before I started dating her. I had my eyes open and was kind of looking at a couple of girls as potential girlfriends, but I wasn't looking in her direction at all. It's funny; I even remember the day she got hired at the place I worked. I remember thinking to myself, somewhat sarcastically, "Damn, why couldn't my manager have hired somebody hot that I could date?" God, it seems so shallow now. But one day it just hit me...I was falling for her. She was totally not the type of girl that I ever saw myself falling for, but nonetheless...there it was, and I was powerless to stop it. It just overcame me. I realized that I was happier just sitting around doing nothing with her than I was doing absolutely anything else with any other person. Now, this obviously didn't wind up working out, and I'm sure it's not the only way to go about things, but there it is - I wasn't looking for it, and it found me. At the time, I had quite a bit going for me because I wasn't expelling a ton of energy trying to find a girlfriend, you know? So when we started dating, I had friends that I could introduce her to, activities that I could include her in, money that I'd made from working a lot that I used to buy her nice things , etc. I had stuff going on my life that I could make her a part of, instead of just attaching myself to her. Wow, I didn't realize it, but I guess this phrase also ties into the whole "Love yourself first" thing. Weird.

Hopefully that sheds a little light on the meaning behind the phrase...at least enough so that it won't frustrate you to hear it. You don't have to believe in it, afterall.

I love myself all the time.. Ummmm errr, I mean... You know what I'm saying.

The thing about needing to love yourself before another can love you is pretty easy to explain really, if you see no value in yourself what possibly makes you think anyone else will? if you arent content and comfortable with your own self you will develop a severly damaging relationship. The other you say you cant stand is quit looking and it will find you for the most part holds true, when you arent looking you tend to be bolder and less likely to walk on eggshells around the prospective mate your moroe relaxed and your body language will mark you as such because your not sweating, twiching and worrying if they like you or not.

reply to post by Bachelor


Because if you don't love yourself, your expecting someone else's love to make you happy.

when you depend on someone else to make you happy, you are setting the relationship up for failure.

it is like saying, if i suck down a gallon of ice cream, I will feel better.

Loving yourself is valuing yourself as a person, being confident, understand what makes you tick, what makes you happy.

Then you share that with another person. Not depending on them to make things work.

confidence makes all the difference in the world. People seeking mates can sense desparation from a mile away.

But a confident person has all the world to choose from. And it not only for relationships, but jobs and success as well.

Who would you rather be with? someone who still laments in their 40s that they didn't go pro afer high school football, or someone who is happy with their career choices, no matter what it is, and comes home everyday from a job they love, whistling?

Originally posted by Bachelor
"You have to love yourself first, before anyone else can love you". WHAT exactly does that mean?

It means once you figured out what you can tolerate in life and settle for the least of your expectations, then you are ready to kick arse. And when you do, you won't give a damn anyway. It's because you learned that what you did out of love is never enough for yourself and that others may or may not reciprocate whatever made you happy in the first place.

I don't know if being along means not loving yourself because I, for example, cannot stand being with others who don't reflect love as I would hope and expect in return. Ah, forget it if I don't make sense. Go ahead and hate yourself first and the whole world for all I care!



[edit on 2008-6-23 by pikypiky]

Originally posted by pikypiky
Ah, forget it if I don't make sense. Go ahead and hate yourself first and the whole world for all I care!

Roooooooooooooflmao........

omg

hilarity +1



Yeah, that's about the way I feel about it too.

Originally posted by MrMysticism
I love myself all the time.. Ummmm errr, I mean... You know what I'm saying.

It's OK, MrMysticism; everyone does it, and the ones who say they don't are liars!

the way i have always seen it is that love can be more than emotion. its also how you treat someone.

if someone claims to love you but is always yelling at you and belittling you, then they dont really love you.

some people dont love themselves in that they dont take care of themselves. they are not reasonable with things in thier own life, hence how can they be reasonable with another's?

so for example, if you have a low self esteem, and are constantly belittling yourself, chances are you are going to belittle your mate. your personality has to have a balance otherwise your mate it not going to be treated the way they deserve.

thats been my take on it anyway

I heard that, everytime you love yourself God Kills A Kitten!!!

double post.

SORRY.

[edit on 6/24/2008 by JesterMan]

Originally posted by miriam0566

if someone claims to love you but is always yelling at you and belittling you, then they dont really love you.

Does that mean my wife doesnt really love me??

Originally posted by JesterMan
I heard that, everytime you love yourself God Kills A Kitten!!!

That is soooo funny, and it'll make ya blind. Any way, back on topic. You basically have to be happy with your self, like what your doing in life and be happy before you find some one else. Or something like that, hey i dunno. Go kill a kitten, GOD does it...

Fox

Well, Bachelor, does it make more sense to you now?

I say, screw all this "love yourself first" crap.

Go find a girl who's also wallowing in self-loathing, and be miserable together!

[edit on 25-6-2008 by MrdDstrbr]

reply to post by Jovi1


This is a very serious topic in a whole. I agree with you %100. It is a self respect thing. If you don't respect yourself or life than you will have a hard time respecting others.