Advice Please, I need Advice

agreed that packing up and leaving is drastic but you can do it and you can move closer to your family and you can try and work things out between the two spouses and, if you have a willingness on both sides, you can either work things out and stay together or work things out and stay apart. not all marriages that end, end horribly. there are couples that split but, thanks to their kids, manage to live near each other and remain friends or at the very least cordial enough so as to avoid making everyone around them crazy.

Shar, it sounds like you've been working at this now for a while and it sounds like things are much better and, if so, are you still skeptical of his behavior? if so, why? are any of these instances you've mentioned very recent or are they in the past and they still bother you? If that is the case, perhaps he has learned from his mistakes and you are either worried that he is doing what he isn't or possibly you are disappointed in yourself for taking him back and on some level you are trying to convince yourself that he's still a hound when he's actually been more of a prince?

The last time he lied was 2-13-07. Its on page one. The very first thing I posted.

It was a serious lie telling me he was at walmart. Then when I confronted him on it he said, " Well I'm having lunch with two of my coworkers." So I asked him then why did you lie to me and tell me you were at walmart. He always has lunch with coworkers and dinners and doesn't lie to me about that so why this time. Everything is on page one.

I posted that thread soon after I discovered his latest lie. The same day. I just didn't know what else to do. I needed someone to talk to. Some other peoples thoughts and opinions on everything.

Years ago before kids I would of left him in a blink of an eye. Never looking back.

and where did he buy the cards and gift for valentine's day? is the store near Walmart? Is it possible he didn't want you to know where he was because he was buying you a present and didn't want to give it away?

No he wasn't there at all. He was at a restruant with someone having lunch. It the last paragraph on page one.

My problem is why would he lie to me saying hes at walmart if hes having lunch with two guys like he said.

Heres what I say you dont lie unless you have something to hide.

If he was with men he would of said I'm having lunch with such and such. Like hes done so many times before. However, this time he leaves the area he was at to talk to me and gets in his car while talking to me cause i heard the dingging on the car. He leaves this place altogether. Leaving whomever he was with behind. I have no clue as why he did this.

I know if I were with two girls I wouldn't of got in my car and left them just to answer my phone. Thats weird.

he said he was in walmart, you heard the car ding, he said he was at lunch. again, is it possible he was in the parking lot getting your present? I'm not saying this is the case, I'm asking if it was possible. His past history is questionable and will likely make you more succeptable to thinking the worst but is there a chance you're seeing things that aren't there?

Well I dont know. He finally told me he was somewhere else and not there. So I just don't know. I know the cards and ballons came from walmart at 9:30 am cause thats on the receipt. i know the watch came from a jewerly store. I don't know where the roses came from. I didn't ask him. However, the lunch was at noon. So I don't know. I just know the two things he said to me.

[edit on 15-2-2007 by Shar]

Might not just be women he is cheating on you with. LOL

Two reasons why Individual's cheat.

There Ego's (those that just can't resist being wanted by any decent looking woman/man. )
or Insecurity, in it's most simplicity form.

I believe cheater's cheat because it's all a part of feeding their huge ego's. A cheater usually always chooses their "partner" wisely.
Usually the person they cheat on is someone that isn't complete with themselves enough to
A)detect it or
B)find out and believe it enough to do something about it which allows the "cheater" to keep mastering his art.


Could LQQK at it like this. It's just sex with other women/men but he LOVE's You !
As long as sex is good for you at home, what's the big deal?
Granted that he doesn't bring a disease home to you.

Maybe give him a reason to come home for lunch. Do something different, ask him to come home sometime and ravish you by using rope/nylon, hotwax, handcuffs and blinfolds.
Have him paddle and spank you? or tie him up !
or
(do him from behind) and see how he likes it.

Let me tell you, there are alot of Freak's out there and your hubby is probably no different.
Give him something he hasn't had from any other.
Love just is not enough for some Men/Women. It's about sex sex sex.

I just think he thinks he is all that. he has the best of both world's. I think once the kids are grown he will be looking for something he wants to keep.

On a more serious note ::

From a guys point of view:

There are alot of reasons that they cheat but simply its because that they can and if they can get away with it then it is perfectly convenient forthem.

Some men cheat because their confused and uncertain with the status of their current relationship, or due to their egos which leads them astray to someone new that compliments them.

Also because there are just so many girls out there and they just do not feel like being with the same one forever.
They like options, new possibilities and excitement.

Guys get scared that they have been in the same relationship that they start to mess around just to justify maybe power or even just because maybe they know their partner would not break up with them or leave them even if they cheat allowing them to cheat freely,constantly and easily.

They just take their partners for granted and cheat on them because they know the partner will still stay with them even after that.It's not just the sex that they cheat it's more than that.

It could be because their bored or too comfortable or they just want more options and variety.

They could cheat due to women being too insecure and the big one Jealousy! Guys cheat because they know that you think that of them already as unfaithful (due to you always questioning them and accusing them).

If you think that of them and they are constantly yelled at because of you being insecure they might as well do it.

Guys cheat because they are just not fully satisfied with how everything is going in the relationship.

There is a small percentage of men that would never cross the line, and those are hard to come by. And i am one of them. I would neve hurt another individual in that manner. It's about respect.

Originally posted by SirReal


Could LQQK at it like this. It's just sex with other women/men but he LOVE's You !
As long as sex is good for you at home, what's the big deal?
Granted that he doesn't bring a disease home to you.

Maybe give him a reason to come home for lunch. Do something different, ask him to come home sometime and ravish you by using rope/nylon, hotwax, handcuffs and blinfolds.
Have him paddle and spank you? or tie him up !
or
(do him from behind) and see how he likes it.

Let me tell you, there are alot of Freak's out there and your hubby is probably no different.
Give him something he hasn't had from any other.
Love just is not enough for some Men/Women. It's about sex sex sex.

I just think he thinks he is all that. he has the best of both world's. I think once the kids are grown he will be looking for something he wants to keep.

On a more serious note ::

From a guys point of view:

There are alot of reasons that they cheat but simply its because that they can and if they can get away with it then it is perfectly convenient forthem.

Some men cheat because their confused and uncertain with the status of their current relationship, or due to their egos which leads them astray to someone new that compliments them.

Also because there are just so many girls out there and they just do not feel like being with the same one forever.
They like options, new possibilities and excitement.

Cause, thats nasty him sleeping around and then coming to me. And you never know who is with. So yes he can easily bring a disease to me in todays world.
As far as what goes on between the covers there is young people on here so I won't go there.
Well the kids don't keep him with me. I wouldn't keep them from him. Also, if I would leave him and one or all the kids wants to stay with him that would be fine with me. He knows this as well.
Well There are so many guys out there too. Maybe I don't feel like staying with one forever. I mean if he wants another then just tell me so that I too can get on with my life.

Ok, Someone u2 me about Narcissistic people. Well after checking out alot of information on the website

psy.rin.ru...

I found out that he scored a 5 possibly an 8. questions 4, 5,8,11,16 are true. 1 and 9 not for sure about. And 20 yes hes talented and has a good opinion of himself. Is that bad though?

So if this is true what does it mean exactly? Is this good or bad to have yes on some of those questions? I think I'll do some more reading to this as well.

oh, never mind!

[edit on 24-2-2007 by SirReal]

Wow, where do I start? Ok, he's lied to you and you don't trust him. Are you aware that love follows trust? Once the trust is broken, love is gone. You may still 'love' him, yet unless and until you can trust him you aren't 'in love' with him. That's the way any relationship works. Neither of you can do anything to get the love back, it will come back when/if the trust ever comes back.

Have you ever read 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' ?? Read that book and you'll find that men and women speak totally different languages. For example, what a man means when he says, "uh it was nothing", isn't the same thing at all as what a woman means when she says or thinks that. So when a woman hears that from a man, she's thinking of her interpretation of that, and the reality is that her interpretation is often no way close to what the man actually means. That's why so many times men and women don't understand each other, or they think they have understood and a fight breaks out, because they just are not communicating. Read that book and you'll see what I am saying. It's a real eye-opener! And you'll likely find that the two of you are doing what most women and men do, communicate like two ships passing in the night.

That book will explain a lot of other stuff to you as well. Such as the fact that most men need to feel needed, and will be looking at a situation in such a way as to how he can fix the problem. While the women needs to feel cherished and understood, and when she talks to her man she just wants him to listen and understand her point of view, not necessarily fix the prob. But usually he's way ahead of her, having already understood what the problem is and is already working on a solution for it. He may appear distracted to the woman who just wants him to listen, while she may appear to be going on and on talking about it to the man, who just wants her to hush and let him work on the solution. This in and of itself can cause arguments, while both are simply doing what is natural for them. My suggestion... Read the book!

Anyway, back to your situation. I can see at least two things that might be going on. He's lied to you, you don't trust him. You might want to trust him, yet that's going to take some time where he acts in trustworthy ways. But you need to give him a chance to do that, and of course, he needs to act in those ways. And when he doesn't act in trustworthy ways, it's natural to wonder if he's still lying to you. But to regain your trust in him will depend on how hard he's trying to regain that trust. You won't be able to just wake tomorrow and decide, "oh wow, I trust him again! hurray!". Doesn't work that way, he needs to understand that. If he's truly working on being trustworthy, and you giving him some room to do that, then his actions will prove to you that he's trying. However, if you don't give him room to work on this, (lets say he's really trying), then he will (as others have said) get tired of it and possibly say to himself, "forget it, it's not worth the effort, she'll never believe in me again", and he could at that point go off and find another woman who will believe in him. Understand that in that situation, you pushing him to the corner and not giving him room would have caused him to actually go and do what you are accusing him of. It's a self-fulfilling defeat, cuz then you can say to yourself, "See?? I knew he was cheating on me!"

Sit down and get honest with each other. Tell him what you need from him. Ask what he needs from you. Expect communication to be the first thing you both need. Help him to understand you, ask him to help you understand him. If the two of you cannot do this, then ask a counselor to help you. It won't matter if you only have a few months with that counselor before moving to another place. You can get started, and when you get to your next home you can find another counselor to continue with. (2 b con't)

[edit on 2/25/2007 by NotOnMyWatch]

Ok, I left off in my last post with one thing that might be going on with the two of you, and suggested counseling.

The other thing that might be going on is that he's a bum and wants to do his own thing.

He may just be bored. When the excitement goes out of a marriage, (and it will at some point), it may not seem fair, but it usually the woman who needs to bring that excitement back, and tend it to keep it from going away. Sounds like you've done some things to try and keep it going, I suggest being mysterious every now and then. Flirt with him like you did when you both were younger. Surprise him when he comes home sometimes, like have the kids go to a sitters house or their friends house for the evening or the night. If you can't do that, then invite him home for lunch while the kids are at school. Do something completely different than the 'same old', that will keep him on his toes wondering what the heck to expect next. Having a date night is good, just the two of you without the kids. And a family night is good too, kids will be more willing to let you two go off on your own if they know they have a special night too.

Have some time just for you, and let him have some time just for him. If he knows, actually KNOWS from you, that you are going to let him act trustworthy and you are going to believe him, then he can relax and use that time with his buddies, not worry that he's going to get the 5th degree while he's gone and when he gets back. I raised three sons alone, and I trusted them to act right when they weren't home. Sure I worried about them and what they might get up to while they were gone. But they were young men, they NEEDED to know that I believed in them and could take them at their word. And they acted accordingly! So is the same with your husband I think. He NEEDS to know you believe in him. Yes the trust is shaky to non-existent, HE doesn't need to know that though. If he feels as though you are on his side and believe in him and take him at his word, then 'usually' a man will act accordingly. It's kind of like fake it til you make it. If you intend to stay in your marriage, then it's got to start somewhere.

If you are determined that none of this will work, and you have your mind made up already to move on in your life, then goooooooooo. Don't wait around, don't drag the inevitable out. I suggest talking with a counselor (just you) in that case, and get help making a plan. Once a plan is made, then STICK to it. Do not let him know ahead of time, cuz he's already shown that he can talk you out of leaving, make a ton of promises that he may not intend to keep, but knows he can get to you by saying them. Some relationships just do not work, and if this is yours, then make your plan, stick to it, don't tell him ahead of time, get ready what you'll need, and then just do it.

I've been in this situation before, when my sons were very young. I only had two sons when I first thought of leaving. But I was too scared to go. I didn't know how I could support myself. I didn't think it would be fair to my sons. So I stayed. The only thing that changed was I had another son! If I had thought I couldn't take care of two sons on my own, how was I gonna do that with three? Well... I went to a counselor, made a plan, and when I was ready, we got the heck outta dodge. My sons were 2, 4, and 6. That was 20 years ago. We managed just fine! Everything I had worried about that kept me from leaving, none of that happened. It was the FEAR of the unknown that kept me with my ex. After we left and I had time to look back and sort everything out in my mind, I realized that I 'should have' left sooner, right when I had first determined I wasn't gonna put up with his s*** anymore.

(acccccck am out of room again! 2 b con't once more)

(ok am almost done. lol)

Please realize that staying 'because of the kids' is not the best idea. You may think they are ok now, but you won't know that for sure until they are older and you look back. What is best for you in this situation will be best for them. If you cannot live with your husband the way he is, then PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ANY OF YOUR KIDS WITH HIM!! That's important, for many reasons, trust me.

If you stay, realize that your kids are learning from what's going on. They'll be learning whether you leave or stay. If you stay, understand that you are teaching your son it's ok for a man to treat a woman like that, to lie, cheat, make empty promises, etc. He could grow up and do the same thing, figuring that it was ok for his dad, it's ok for him. Help him to understand the right way for a man to treat a woman. Even and expecially if you leave your husband. Because he needs to see the consequences for his dads actions, and if there's none.... What have you taught him? Same with your girls. If you stay and 'put up with it', you are teaching your girls it's the norm for a woman to be mistreated by a man. They won't know any better, it will be what they've seen all their life, they will likely grow up and expect that from the men in their lives. Not only that, but they may 'look' for men who would emotionally abuse them in the same ways, because that's what they are used to. It wouldn't be consciously, they could do that and not even realize it. Your girls, as your son, need to learn what is the right way for a man to treat a woman. If you need to leave but you don't, then when your kids grow up they will likely lose respect for you. Weird how that works! But it does. If you need to leave, do it now, for yourself, for your kids. Otherwise you are teaching them it's ok to emotionally abuse others and to be emotionally abused and just take it.

I hope you understand what I'm saying. My heart goes out to you. This is not an easy thing to decide about! I recommend seeing a counselor who can help you figure it all out.

NOMW

Here’s the saddest part. How do I say it. Well I guess I just say it. It looks like its over. For whatever reason I can’t bring myself to ask him in the same room with me any longer. I guess you can say were sleeping in two different areas now. Barely see each other. Been this way since that night of the 13th.
We see each other everyday for now. We just rarely talk. He try’s to say he’s sorry over and over. I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I just don’t. I don’t even want to look at him. In two days time I have written a journal with well over 7000 words. That’s a lot of writing. A lot of thoughts. I’m trying to sort things out. I have come to the conclusion I can never ever, ever trust him again. Therefore theirs no foundation left. Its gone its crumbled and my heart is so broken. It actually hurts. I feel my heart hurting. The tears won’t stop flowing. But I feel there’s just nothing else I can do. I’m just waiting till June. He gets two weeks off then from this job. At that time I’m going back home. I have asked him to take me back home.
The saddest and hardest part is I still love him. But I cannot no longer be with him. Its over I know that now. My heart hurts.

[edit on 25-2-2007 by Shar]

Keep your chin up. I see you have definitely made your mind up now. June seems like a really long time from now doesn’t it? How are the kids doing? Kids can take this kind of stuff pretty hard.

Well they all know. They know how hurt I am. They know he’s saying he’s sorry. They know I just can’t except it this time. They are hurt. But they understand I just can’t live like this any longer. They too have watch him lie to me over and over. They too have heard him say he’s sorry and he won’t ever lie to me again and then he turns right around and does it. None of us understands it. I’m tired of trying seems I’ve tried and tried. I’m just tired. He doesn’t put much effort into this marriage except to say he’s sorry and he won’t lie to me again. Other than that he’s dull. He just doesn’t put anything into it. I’m just tired.

For the very first time since I’ve known my husband I spent my birthday with my kids and without him. I took them with me to dinner and two movies and shopping. Spent the whole day without talking to him.

My heart hurts daily. I cry myself to sleep. But I just can’t live with his lies any longer. Guess love was not meant for me. I don’t ever see my self dating again. I just don’t want too. There’s no reason. Been there done that. I will just finish raising my kids. Who knows from there. My heart hurts

Originally posted by Shar
Guess love was not meant for me.

Love is for everyone! Someday you'll find love, hopefully just the way you desire it. Love is magical when it’s real

Well for those whose been following this, I thought I should let you know what’s happened. First, let me start off by saying I’m the biggest fool of them all. I already know this. I have fought hard to stay strong. But I’m not I’m weak.

Second after ignoring my husband for the past 25 days. Ignoring everything from his apologizes, his smiles, his sweet talk, his roses and cards, his invites to go out to dinner, and his advances. Here I am letting him make up. I finally accepted his apology. I let him in my wall that I built up for the past 25 days. Now its broken. My heart is out there again. I’m vulnerable for him to hurt me all over again. I’m worried and scared still. Worried that in the next few months I’ll be going through this all over again. Still I’m going to give it a try.

I’ll give him the chance because I do love him he’s always been the dad to my kids, my best friend, my lover, my husband. I’ll just pray and hope I won’t have to go through another lie. I am scared. I just don’t want to be hurt anymore. It was hard for me this time to let him back in. I’ve never built a wall up like that before where I ignore everything from him. I still don’t know if I’m doing the right thing for me. I’m just going to try again.

Yes I’m worried.

edit for spelling

[edit on 12-3-2007 by Shar]

Originally posted by jensouth31
Now you're talking honey! You need to get your game back on.

You can't be serious. Playing games will not fix any relationship. I would leave my girl on the spot for that notion.

Back to topic. I am sorry for the pain you are going through shar. If there's one thing I've learnt, it is a waste of life to keep going back and forth in an infinite loop. At some point, you must make a solid decision either way, and never give up on it.

Best of luck.