Advice Please, I need Advice

Shar!!
I understand your dilemma, seriously I do.
You obviously are a very bright woman .
I just wonder does HE put this much thought
and effort into maintaining a workable relationship is all.

Yes and no to your question. He puts a lot of thought into his cobwebs of deceit. Trying to see how much he can get by with. Anyways, I personally feel as if he playing a game a very dangerous one that can hurt people.

I went out last night and enjoyed my dinner. I sent him to a totally different restruant and told him to order for me and I will be there. Of course I wasn't I had my own dinner. When he called me the first time I gave him the same lie he gave me. I said, " I'm at walmart." That part was his lie. Then I said, "I'll be there shortly" That was my own. He called a few more times and I ignored it and enjoyed my own dinner. Finally, after dinner when he called I answered and I said "did you enjoy the lie as much as I did. It was fun I think I'll do this more often" His answer was "no and I'm sorry I lied to you I didn't mean too." Oh ok someone made you just create your lies is what I was thinking. But, what I said was "Sorry just doesn't get it anymore I'm fed up with you lying to me" Anyways, I got off the phone and since I wasn't gonna go home for the night I thought I go to the casino for awhile to past the time. I was there and hour and half until he came walking in finding me. I never told him where I was. So I did get a total of about three hours alone. In the end I came home no hotel. So this is where I'm at putting up with his lies.

[edit on 15-2-2007 by Shar]

Well, you certainly have a different approach to things than I do. I would have let him think I was running around on Him…No phone calls…. Nothing!

OMG, You are letting this guy see you sweat WAY to much! Never let them see you sweat…That’s how I trained my daughter, and also…No waiting around for phone calls….Ever!


[edit on 2/15/2007 by jensouth31]

Well I didn't wait on phone calls because its my cell phone. It goes with me. However, you are right. I should not have answered my cell phone the whole night. I'm so not use to this stuff. I need to remember the way I was when I was 19 and dating him. I never answered my phone in those days because I was never home. And, I didn't have a cell phone the way I do today. Everyone use to tell me how hard it was to get a hold of me. I just laughed. Anyways, your right. Cell phones makes it to easy. If I ever go out again --which who knows-- then I won't answer my phone. Thanks for reminding me of that. Just cause I'm married doesn't mean he can take advantage of me.

Originally posted by Shar
Just cause I'm married doesn't mean he can take advantage of me.

I also doesn't mean you're Dead Live a little, and get your game back on...turn off the damn cell phone if it tempts you too much....Yes, take it with you, in case of an emergency, but turn it off.

I like that advice. I will defiently do that. If and when I go out again.

Its just I know if I make him think I'm messing around on him--Then he'll probably feel more at ease with whatever it is hes doing. I don't know if he would or not. Or how he would even react.

I do know I'm never out of the house long before he finds me. Theres not too many places I know where to go. Given the fact that were never in one spot for long. So he of course knows the places I know since hes the one who shows me around the area when we get to places.

sheesh, ladies. Telling her to lie and deceive her husband as retaliation isn't going to solve anything. Let's assume that he has been lying to her and cheating on her as it sure sounds like he has (forget the two sides to every story part for now). Do two wrongs make a right? Will her lying and deceiving him make his lies and deception any easier to swallow? No, it will further widen the rift between them. If Shar wants to leave, then leave. Don't screw with him in return. What it will do is make it easier for him to lie and cheat and he will have the ability to say "she's doing it too, so why shouldn't I?" It sounds to me like leaving him scares him somehow. So, leave him. Tell him you are going and you will contact him when you get settled somewhere. Don't give in and if he says he will track you down, tell him you will gladly tell the authorities that he is bothering you and they will make sure he doesn't get too close.

Now, let's take the other side of this. What if Shar is paranoid and nothing is happening beyond a few lies here and there (who doesn't lie from time to time in a relationship?). What if her husband is no longer cheating? She lies and deceives him as punishment for acts he is no longer committing and he then says "screw this, she's cheating on me so I might as well go back to my old ways."

The relationship cannot survive more lies and deceit.


Crakeur is not a licensed mental health specialist but he is a member of several self help groups. He is an immature boy in a 38 year old man's body. Taking his advice should be done at your own risk.

Well I'm a little late to the issue (again) but here's my question- you've got 15, 13 & 11 year old kids. How's this all affecting them? Do they like moving every few months, or is that stressful for them? What about the issues between you and their father? Kids are pretty perceptive. Do you think they're picking up on what's what? What's their view?

I'm not a "game" guy. IMHO, if you've got to pretend you've got something going on to get his attention, it's already irreparable. Or would be for me. Once the trust goes, it's over. As hard as that may be to come to terms with.

I'm sure you'll do whatever will work for you (as you should), but personally I wouldn't spend 5 minutes trying some crap on someone who had repeatedly violated my trust. I understand forgiveness, one time. After that you're fooling yourself.

Ask yourself, what will it take to make this right so that you can regain your trust in him? And is that in any way likely to happen?

Life's short. Make the best of it. Only you know if the best of it can be better done with him or without him.

Good luck.

Crakeur,

Thats, what I was wondering. I have no idea how he would react and how dangerous it could be to the relationship. I have never done this before hes always known everywhere I'm at all times. Except the one time I did leave and he found me. (page 1) and then last night when I went to dinner. Yeah, he always knows what I am doing. I thought I knew what he does. However, hes managing to live a double life one at home and one at work.


What I don't understand is why does he not want a divorce if hes involved with someone else? Why does he want me and someone else? Thats not fair to me and its gross. Its just sick.

If he wants someone else then he should just tell me so that I may get on with my life. I know it will take alot of time to adjust and get over my marriage with him, but I deserve that and a chance to find love once again.

Yeahright,

No your not late to the issue. I welcome and need everyones advice or opinion.

The kids ok--The moving part bothered my son whose the oldest at first because he left all his friends behind. In the beginning of this travling my husband went without us for like 8 mts so the kids could finish out that year of school. Summer came he came packed up the house put everything in storage and took us on the road with him. The kids loved it that we were all back together again. As soon as fall came I noticed my son seemed sad a little cause we were not going back we were going to stay together. He soon got over it as his dad spends a lot of time with him and he loves that. The girls loved it from the start. They love to travel and see new things. Didn't bother them any.

Do they know whats going on. Yelp. They sure do. They were crying when I packed them up that time to leave and we did leave. (page 1) They were hoping we get back together. Asking me to work this out. That I can do it. So when my husband found me and we talked, and talked, and talked. I came back home. The kids were happy again. They love us being a family. We do alot together. I'm trying not to let them know theres trouble again. So far they seem ok. My husband told them he was sorry the last time and it won't happen again.

So here we are.

Shar, you deserve to be happy. We all do. If he really is having an affair, the reason he doesn't want you to go might be because he loves you. He did marry you and have three kids with you.

There are many angles to this that we don't know. We being the other members here. Personal things that might be important to the topic but that probably won't be asked. Counselling will bring these things out in the open and might guide the two of you towards a resolution to your issues. That resolution might be divorce, it might be reconciliation. Whatever the case, let me repeat my first two sentences. You deserve to be happy. We all do.

Well, that makes it a lot tougher, for sure. If you've got the kids pushing for you to stay together...whew.

My best advice would be for the two of you to see a counselor. And don't give up if the first one's a dud. You may have to go through more than one to find one compatible and agreeable to you both. But if you're both determined to make it work, I really think you need an objective third party (preferably trained) to help you out.

Good luck again.

A counselor. Thats one thing I didn't exactly consider. Wonder if four months is long enough thats how much time I have here before were travling again.

Wonder if it would help and if so for how long would it help is it a short term or long term solution? I would feel weird going to a counselor but I guess I should try all opotions. Couldn't hurt anyways. Good advice.

Don't forget about this guys, she's 2500 miles away from any kind of support system, No Job.... She’s made a career out of being a housewife and mother (nothing wrong with that,) but if she’s done,then she needs a job, because right now she doesn’t have a pot to piss in, and no such luck of ever getting out of this situation. He has control right now, and he knows she’s between a rock and a hard spot.

I’ve already played to Devils Advocate on her husbands behalf…no such luck, and Shar is convinced that he is a perpetual liar and a cheat…Who’s gonna change her mind?

if she leaves she can move closer to her family. instant support.

if she stays she needs to do so with work done on premises by both spouses. men are pigs but we tend to be easily contained so something must be wrong at home for things to have reached this point.

Originally posted by Crakeur
if she leaves she can move closer to her family. instant support.

She has a few choices here, but this isn’t one of them! The only way this is happening is if she drains the bank account, and leaves on the sly………

There are reasons why I’ve been married for 20 years, and sometimes a guy just won’t let you leave “with” the kids…. get my drift. Good! Staying sometimes is the most unselfish thing a woman can do “For the kids”

Yeah I was wondering the same thing. Something is wrong on my end. So I suggested we go out on dates more. So now we do. About every weekend just the two of us. For well over 4 mths now. I bought more specials to wear with him at night. Of course that is part is always good. The dates are great. Where ever were living its always clean for him. Iv'e asked him if theres something he needs and want that I'm not doing. Iv'e asked to tell me if I'm doing something wrong or you don't like something. He says the same thing, " your great. I love you." I say to him, " somethings wrong somewhere. You don't lie to someone you love if your not hiding something." I talk openly to him always. I never beat around or hide behind a bush. I just talk to him.

Hes bought me a beautiful 14k gold diamond watch for valetines day yesterday. For christmas a beautiful strand of pearls. I didn't ask for that. Hes nice enough to me. I thought I was for him too. However, their is something wrong. I cant see how I am doing it though. Iv'e tried everything I know. I just dont know what else to do. I guess thats why I'm on here spilling my heart to anyone who can see something or tell me something I haven't thought of.

Do some men cheat, just to cheat, cause they can? Or does there have to be a problem?

:bnghd::bnghd::bnghd: Going back to page one....Maybe he's not Lying??

Maybe you need to correct all these little quirky problems You have.
If I was a guy...this would drive me crazy! You need to learn to love yourself.......
Edit* to add

You’re insecurities are Many! But maybe he makes you feel that way? I don’t know.............

[edit on 2/15/2007 by jensouth31]

Originally posted by Shar

Do some men cheat, just to cheat, cause they can? Or does there have to be a problem?

An excellent question. Speaking from observation (not personal experience - married 18 years and never been close to straying), some guys are just hounds. I've known guys with great wives and no reasons to stray, other than they could. It's something some guys just never kick, like drinking or gambling. It becomes a singularly obsessive pursuit that they just cannot seem to overcome. And I'm not talking "sex addict" because to a person, it isn't the sex. It isn't companionship. It isn't because things at home are "wrong".

Thsy know it's wrong and counterproductive, but do it anyway. Go figure. best I can tell, it's the thrill, as perverse as that sounds. Like gambling for an addict isn't about winning or money, it's about the juice.

And Shar, I'm not saying your husband is like that or that this is your situation. But I can tell you it does happen. And in some cases the wives live with it and make the best of it. And in some cases there's bloody, long drawn out issues. Just another of the million things I'm thankful doesn't include me.

Yeah, thats the scary part. Living with it. Oh how I pray thats not me.
I have thought and have been questioning myself these past few days. What if its true? What if he is cheating? He tells me for a fact lays it all out on the table then what would I truly do? Oh my gosh thats so scary. Would I truly leave or not. The scary part is I don't honestly know. However, I hope and prey with all that I am that I would leave and not live like that.