Advice Please, I need Advice

I thought I was happily married. I dont know anymore. I don't even know where to begin or how to say it. Heres what I know. Ive been married since 1991. I have three children from 15, 13 and 11. I really dont work. I'm a housewife and mother thats all. So I dont get out much and I'm not around people very much. Just my family. Whose about 2500 miles away right now. So I was hoping to get some suggestions advice something from here. My husband is a lier. I mean hes the biggest lier I've ever been around. This I know to be a fact. I've dealt with it for over 16 yrs. now. I just don't know what to do about it.

You see, years ago in 2000 he cheated on me. Lied about it directely to my face. I was calling him on the phone and the line stayed busy forever it seemed. I had no idea who he was speaking to. I get home question him about it and he lies and tells me he wasn't on the phone. The phones hot to touch. and so I ask him over and over again. Noone he says. I hit redail and a woman answers. I ask her who she is and nothing. No information. I tell her my name and that I'm his wife. Still nothing out of her. I hang up and smacked my husband for lying to me. He still said it was nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. Anyways, soon thereafter he tells me shes an x he saw her at the store and they exchanged numbers and talked thats all. He convinced me nothing happen. I was gonna leave him. But he kept saying it was nothing. He put his hand on the Holy Bible and swore it was nothing. Ok so we made up. After all he must be telling me the truth he swore on the Bible. Now a year and half later he tells me through another agrument that it was just a one time thing. What did he just say. That brought on another old argument. I find out he indeed had sex with her. Supposly only once. Ok now how can I believe anything he says to me now. He swore on the Bible he didnt do anything. I believed him. Now he gets a job that requires alot of travel. Thats cool I love to travel. As a family we go together. Now a couple of years ago. I find emails rather friendly to a certain coworker. He once again convinced me that i'm seeing things that aint there. Of course its an argument. New rules that he agreed by. I understand he has to work with women. No problem. I just ask him to tell me if he has to be at dinner or lunch or in the car or something like that with a woman. Tell me up front and I will believe and understand. Ok he says. A few years later just about 70 days ago hes on a 8 hr trip or so. I had no idea he left the current office. I call him. No answer. Called and Called. Finally I get a call back from him. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I ask him where are you. "hu, oh, um, I had to go down the road on a business trip with" and he names a guys name. Right. Ok I get off the phone and realize something didn't sound quite right. So I call again. Say to him "Who are you with again" Metions a mans name. I said, "Don't lie to me." "I'm not lying honest" "ok" I said let me speak to him. "My wife wants to speak to you" The person gets on the phone. I say" Hello, you know he cant drive for nothing you sure you trust him" The voice said, "Yeah, I trust him." I talk alittle while longer." Then my husbands on the phone I said" that was a girl" He said "I know. "
"I know" what is I know. So I wake up my kids packed everything up and left him. Then and there. By the time I got stuff packed up and left I drove and hour and half down the interstate to a hotel. It was late and I was tired. Get some sleep and continue tomorrow. However, He found me there. Been driving and checking all hotels down the interstate he said. Ok so that was good. I guess. We talked and talked and talked. He said he didnt want to make me supisious so thats why he lied to me. He didn't do anything it was just a business trip. Over and over he kept saying this. I stayed at the hotel that night. He was there before I had a chance to even check out the next day. OK so here we are. At a crossroad I'm pack and ready to continue to somewhere anywhere he wasn't. Were talking and talking he once again convince me that it was nothing just a business trip.

So here we are today 2-13-07. I call around noon his lunch time. He didn't answer the phone.. So I waited a little bit called again. He answered. I said hey normal "Why didn't u ans. your phone" " Hu, oh, um I was in walmart." "Walmart, when now" " Yes"
I said, "no your not." I just knew he wasn't. "Yes, I am" "oh ok go up to the front let me hear the registers." "um" "whats that nosie that sounds like a car door stop where your at" where r u" " im in the parking lot" ok go inside to walmart let me hear the registers." "I cant I'm not there now."
You just said you were at walmart. "well i left there already I'm at a restruarnt with and he names two guys names. Were having lunch." Ok, I dont believe you why would you lie to me about that. " " Cause I didnt want you to think Im fooling around at work." Um, why would I think that if you weren't. Why are you lying. I said turn your radio on in your car stay there don't get out. I'm coming there tell me how to get to where you are at. He was about 10 minutes away he gave me directions. I get there to meet these two men hes having lunch with. But wait there not there. Hes there just noone else. Were talking and I say to him so you drove you guys over here right. "right" So there in the restruant right" "right" "Ok. So why did you lie to me. Why did you not tell me your going to lunch with your friends. " He says to me" cause I didnt want you to think I was fooling around on you" "That dosen't make sense you don't lie. and expect me to beleive you" His phone rings its one of the two guys. Saying he didn't know where he went and they are back at the office. Called someone to pick them up they said cause they couldn't find my husband. Who was sitting in this supposly restrurant talking to me. Remember he got in his car in the beginning of our converstation cause I heard his car ding. Now hes swearing once again that it was nothing. He did nothing. I told him I have had it and I'm leaving. Hes "no, no, no, no!!! I track you down I will find you. You wont leave me. Don't leave me. " He's not dangerous hes never hit me. But he will track me down telling me that it was nothing like he always does. Tell me folks does this sound like hes lying to you. Was he with a woman? What should I do? Do I believe him? We talked about 2 hrs at that restruarant him telling me it was nothing all over again. So here I am. Tell me would you believe him?

I don’t want to hurt your tender feelings right now, however in all honesty, if I were your husband, I would definitely be cheating on you right now! After all, if you’re going to constantly accuse him of such things, then he might as well. He must be the hottest guy in the world if he has a girl in every town. You obviously will never, ever learn to trust him… I think you already know what you’re going to do.

I “do” understand that he has cheated on you in the past; I have a feeling that you’ve always been the way that you are too…insecure, suspicious, and obsessive about you’re man. The only advice I can give you is what I’ve already offered you…you personally have some troubled spots you need to work on…problems that “will” drive a man to have an affair. Heck, you could gussy yourself up, and give him something to wonder about, when you start being mysterious…………

I really think some men should offer you some advice in this situation. If I upset you, it wasn't my intention; my intention was to show you how dedicated you are with your suspicious nature.

oh its ok. No you didn't hurt me. I need peoples input really bad. Good or bad. I like to hear from everyone on what they think.

Tell me though why did he say he was at walmart when he was at a restraunt? and tell me why would he not tell me he was having lunch with two men, whom I never got to meet cause they weren't there?

He’s probably completely exhausted by means of trying to make you trust him. If I were him, I would be as paranoid as he is, that 'you' wouldn’t ever believe him no matter what…and it probably does make his behavior seem strange…he’s on the edge of his seat too…. you keep him walking a very thin line. It’s probably getting really old now too. Know what I mean?

There are two sides to every story shar........... This is probably a bit humiliating for him too that you do this, and ask to talk to whom ever is around him....

Edit** to add

[edit on 2/13/2007 by jensouth31]

Well i dont always ask to talk only when i know hes lying. its easy to tell, Hes always, "hu, oh, um..." So far Iv'e never caught him in the truth only a lie.

Then do what you have to do for your own sanity. I'll follow this thread, I'd like to hear some of the "mature" guys comment on this one.

Good luck my dear

Thanks for your input. I do hope to hear from men on this. By the way in the car when I got to where he was. There were two valintine cards and one balloon. However, on the receipt was two balloons and two cards. His explantion both cards are for me he couldn't make up his mind and one balloon flew out the window.

My husband has given my up-to five cards at once before...That's when he was in need of doing some serious sucking up!

You can't measure anything by two cards............. do you ever give him the benefit of the doubt?

[edit on 2/13/2007 by jensouth31]

Of course I do thats why I'm still here in this marriage. Trust me though I don't think he can ever speak the truth to save his own soul.

First off I am a 46 yo guy .

My first instinct is that regardless of whether you pushed him into it or not he IS breaking at least ONE sacred trust in a relationship.. that being trust.

Without trust there is nothing at all to a relationship. I suspect he is cheating, but even if he is not, the trust is gone... you already know this and so does he.

I have a feeling you already know what you need to do, and just want someone else to validate your feelings for you.

The other issue I see according to your own words, is you basically have no life outside of his domain...you are a housewife and mother and a hurting wife... you need something else in your life also to be complete.

What that is I can not say, it could be many things, but it must give you joy.

Again I suspect in your heart you already have made your decision but are afraid to venture out of the only world you really know(meaning your married isolation)

My gut instinct is you need a long hug and good cry and some time to parse the new life you know in your heart you yearn for.

Be brave and NEVER let anyone own you like he seems to intimate with statements like "I will never let you leave"... Thats a totally scary statement...usually made by a controlling jerk.

[edit on 14-2-2007 by Arkangel4time]

Thankyou, so much for your response. It was refreshing to hear when I woke up tosmorning. You are right in so many ways. I do need a good cry. I'm trying hard to wait till I figure out what I'm gonna do. As to what gives me joy--- Well that was my family. I don't know now. I never really believed this would or could be me.

I do know that its hard to go to bed with my husband and wondering was he with someone today at lunch. How many times has he done this sort of thing. The diseases out there today that is so scary. I was suposedly his first. So that felt wonderful to know that. Today, however, with him being with his x years ago and the current situations of today I feel he lied to me about that. But thats not the issue. The issue is what is he doing today. Why would he lie to me about being with two men.

I asked him this I said, "Lets reverse this lets put the shoes on the other foot. If I had cheated on you slept with another man and swore to you on the Bible that I didn't and convinced you of this then a year and half later after being with me numerous times You find out I did sleep with another man. And then years later I'm driving down the road on a business trip and when you called me I told you I'm with a woman but through my voice you knew I was lying. So later you asked to speak with this women then you find out it was a man. Not because I told you but because you actually had to play the game and speak to him. Then 70 some days later you call me at my lunch time the day before Valentine and I tell you I'm at walmart and you knew I was lying so you asked me to goto the registers, I then tell you I couldn't do that and you ask me why and then I tell you I'm not there. Then you say to me well where are you and I say to you at a restaraunt, with two of my girlfriends. Then you gonna say well why didn't you just tell me that why did you lie. You remembered you heard the car dingging and you know I just went somewhere else leaving the place I was actually at. So you say to me let me meet your two girlfriends and I agreed and brought you all the way down to me for nothing you did not get to meet my two girlfriends and I tell you how they must of called someone to pick them up. Not calling me and asking where I went but calling someone else to pick them up. How would you feel?" His response was "I would believe you" I laughed so hard and said so I can play you like the fiddle your playing me, what kind of fool do you think I am? Your lying to me telling me you would believe me, cause I sure wouldn't.

Please people keep responses coming I need to hear all voices. Good or Bad.

Got a question for anyone who could answer.


Should I get all dressed up today go out alone to say a nice place that serves dinner and drinks, and not be home when he gets home. Not tell him at the time where I am at.

Or is this too much like a stupid game. To me it is but is this what he needs me not being here like I always have been for the past 16 some years.

Originally posted by Shar
Got a question for anyone who could answer.


Should I get all dressed up today go out alone to say a nice place that serves dinner and drinks, and not be home when he gets home. Not tell him at the time where I am at.

Or is this too much like a stupid game. To me it is but is this what he needs me not being here like I always have been for the past 16 some years.

Now you're talking honey! You need to get your game back on. Why… go alone though? Around here if somebody’s having guy problems…it calls for a girls night out…take some friends with you, otherwise you’ll be miserable sitting in a diner eating alone. If you have friends along…you’ll have a good time. And don’t come home crying later, come home like you’ve just had the time of your life…

Too bad I’m not near you; I’d go out with you

Why go out alone? I don't know one person here where I am at. All my friends are 2500 miles away. I guess sadly as it is thats why I will go out alone.

How long have you lived there? That’s one of your first mistakes, living there, and not making any friends. You are completely isolated from the outside world, by not having a support group. It’s so much easier to control a woman without friends…. you are between a rock and a hard spot. How about you go get yourself a job, and save enough money to get the hell out of there…plus, you might make a few friends along the way.

I’m your friend, and if ever you need a good talk…u2u me…that way it’s private. You are gonna need a few pep talks… I can already tell!

Well heres the problem we travel here already about 8 mths. But by June he'll move on to another location. Usually its 3 mths at an area this time it was about a year cause there so much more for him to do. June comes around and it will be another 2000 miles more or less just depending where the company sends him. It never use to bother me. I loved it. Its just hard cause I don't get use to the area to go anywhere. Its harder to even try and make friends. If I would get a job I would have to leave it by June.
Normally though like I said were not usually at an office site but just a few months.

Hi Gurlfriends!
I figured I'd stick my two cents in here.
You are up against three problems as I see it:

1) He lies like a rug
2) You move around alot and it's hard to find good friends
3) He has already cheated

If I were you my first order of business would be the lying!
I would tell him in no uncertain terms that any lie from today
on is a deal breaker and I would leave , no questions asked!

I personally think lying is a habit, for a multiple amount of reasons
but this is your partner in life, and if he can't keep you informed
with the truth, the relationship should slowly sink in the west anyway!
Sounds like you have become almost obsessed with his
comings and goings.........manipulation that keeps you on guard
all the time.

Friends....I agree .....Get your game on gurl!!!
Put on those red stilettos and take yourself to a nice restaurant
and have a magnificent meal.Maybe some very cultured Gentleman
sitting at the table next to yours is in the same predicament with
his spouse..be friendly to strangers.
( LMAO...did I just say that)



The best predictor of behavior is PAST behavior.........sorry
I have been married more than a few times and will tell you what
I tell them straight out of the chute.
If you cheat on me, I will know, but never let you know I know!
I will also cheat on you, but it will be years till you find out
and by then I will have spent all of your money anyway

( Never had one try me either.....

Honey, take a breath !

Shar,

Have you ever discussed marriage counseling with your husband? I think it is something you should seriously consider, at least as a last-ditch effort.
Even if your husband refuses to go, it's not a bad idea to go by yourself either, because there are no easy answers to a situation like yours.

Either way (and of course, this is just my opinion) your husband needs to be sent a clear message that your marriage is in trouble. Don't try to discuss it when you are arguing or after a few frantic phone calls, because it is possible he thinks you are just saying these things (like that
you are leaving him) in anger and you don't really mean it. Sit him down when you two are alone and talk to him as calmly as possible.

And for goodness sake, quit calling him and following him around! I know, he is probably cheating on you, so what are you looking for? It's kind of like snooping through your friend's diary; it's so tempting, but you're not going to like what you find.

Again, this is just all my opinion so take it as you will. I'm very sorry about your situation and I wish you all the best of luck.



[edit on 2/14/2007 by Pink_Cola]

[edit on 2/14/2007 by Pink_Cola]

If you aren't happy CHANGE...........

If he is cheating on you...Catch him..Privite Eyes..what ever...

Demand a divorce..Take the kids...Get a GReat lawyer and take him to the cleaners....

The do what makes you happy..Life is hard enough without doing what makes YOU happy

IF you are worried how living without him might effect the kids, wait until they are grown..then leave.

But if he isn't cheating, you should see a counciler to talk about you feeling of inadequacy. I don't know one way or another.

[edit on 14-2-2007 by Royal76]

Ex,

The lying deal breaker part I did just that around 70 some days ago. I actually left him then when he was in the car with a woman and lied to me and told me it was a man. I just asked him to always tell me the truth. I have always asked that from him. Anyways, in order for me to come back he signed a contract just between us noone else to say hes sorry he lied and will never lie to me again. He also said he will never cheat on me. Just a paper I knew when he did it he would break it. I thought 60 days. He'll lie to me again. But of course I gave him the chance again. Guess cause I didn't want my own life. Cause I truely don't know if hes cheating or not. Which of course is the only reason I'm still here. Cause if I truly find out besides dreams and lies then I am out of here. However, I don't know.


Pink Cola,
I have never followed him to this very day. All I did was ask to meet his coworkers whom he said he was with and wasn't. See you have to understand I knew he wasn't where he was cause of the ding on the car he left whereever he was at as soon as we started talking on the phone. So whomever he was with I have no clue. I just have to believe him that it was 2 guys. Or just keep on letting him lie to me. Makes no sense why he would lie to me tough, If it was two guys. Hes had dinners and lunches with men before and told me never lied to me. He did lie though every time hes around a girl.

Remember the phone call he lied then and remember the business trip he lied then. Here we are again a lunch with whom. I don't know. If I did follow him I guess I would know. I just never played that kind of game.

I did go out and get my hair trimmed a while ago. Took a nice long relaxing bubble bath and packed an overnight bag. I'm going out to dinner and staying in a hotel tonight without telling him. Alone of course. To be honest I hope it pisses him off. This time he won't find me. I'm gonna tell him to take the kids to dinner and I will meet them there. However, I won't. They'll have dinner without me for the very first time.

We did before all of this had plans just for me and him no kids. I just cancelled that.

I truly have done all I can think about through the years. I have till tonight never lied to him nor have I cheated. Its just not who I am. Guess thats why its hard for to understand why he lies constantly.

I told him a man doesn't lie if hes telling the truth he only lies if he something to hide.

Personally, I think hes taking advantage of me cause he knows I have never left him and when he cheated on me. If I just wouldn't love him so much and think hes the most handsome man I ever saw I could get through this better. Still though after all these years and all the lies and adultery I'm stupidly still here.

No I don't bring up the past to him, Nor do I follow him or accuse him of anything till its obvious he has or is doing something. I don't know how I know its just a certain tone in his voice. Still I'm sure hes done more than what Iv'e caught him on. But yes I would like to know. I not one of these women who don't want to know. I should know this is my life too and have ever right to know if hes doing something to us. Hell I don't want to go to bed with him if hes in the bed with another. Thats sick to me. Thats just gross.




[edit on 14-2-2007 by Shar]