Ask... El Pollo Diablo

Originally posted by Hurricane
Oh Great El Pollo Diablo . . .

There is a sound in my automobile. It is becoming bothersome. It sounds like a . . . chirp. It's not a squeal. It's not a creak. It's not a screetch. Nor is it a moan, a groan, or a tweet. Wait. It could be classified as a tweet. In fact, I would hazard to say that it imight be a chirp / tweet hybrid. A twirp. That's it. A twirp. I hate it. No matter how much I turn up my fancy stereo, it still mocks me.

Please, El Pollo Diablo, tell me. What is it?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?

...
"Dearest hurricanes. I is glads you has comes to me with this very most seriousness of questions. Your vehicle... is POSSESSED! Do not worries overmuch. This is being commons with manys cars, truckses, and vans being mades before the 97s. Gets it to a mechanics that specializes in the black artses. The car spiritses is most likely giving yous a bad axle, or possibly a serpentine belts that is being worn outs. Ones is cheaps to fix, and the other is beings not so cheap. Either ways of being, do nots turn up the radio volumes! Evil spiritses likes the loud musics. It is why they pester rocks and rolls so muches, no? Thank you. Come again."

Originally posted by maria_stardust
Oh, El Pollo Diablo, I'll be attending a fancy dinner this weekend. I'm trying to decide if I should wear my indigo gown which is a wee bit tight, or my mint green long dress which is a little more comfortable. Also should I wear my hair up or down?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?

...
"My dears, you has comes to the right of places! At fancys dinners, nones of us ever eats as manys as we would like, no? I always gots the nervouses about using the rights fork. What the heck is that tiny little ones for anyways? So's comfortable clothings is for the superbowls partys where we can eats lots of nachos and beers,and maybe some taqitos. Fancy partys is for showing the worlds how hots we is, and lady-friend, that means showings the curves! As for hairs, the differences between ups and downs is the differences betweens politely clinking he wines glasses, and throwing the glasses intos the fire places saying 'Look at the sexy person in the room called ME!' So's I am goings with the tight indigo number, and the hair beings in the down positions. Show thems who you is! I hopes there will be nothings flamables in the rooms, with excepting for the candles because you will be ignitings things tonights with fires! Wows!

Thank you. Come again."

Originally posted by spinstopshere
Think you for answering my request.

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?

...


"I did not forget yous, spinstopshere. You is very welcomes. Thank you for your courtesys. They are being in supplies of shortess these days. Because I likes you, looks out for the reds truck at the stopping sign. His wifes is just leavings him, and he is being what is called a 'driving destracted' persons. Thank you. Come again.

please..

can you ask El Pollo Diablo if "The HOFF" is a true genius or a true fool?

I'm having dinner tonight with a couple that I think feels sorry for me. If they do, is it okay to trash their house, throw up on their fairy garden, and tell them how happy and content I really am? Or, do I take the pity and just be happy that I got a free meal?

Ahh, I see, well thank you.

More, if you do not mind:

(side note, i showed my girlfriend your responses and she said "why are you so annoying? that's my question for him. I don't like him". I think she doesn't want to admit you haunt her dreams )

Who or what is the management, exactly?

Can you tell me if I will be with you soon or in the distant future?

Can you use me as a medium too, or visit my dreams or something of the likes?

And my girlfriend said to ask if there is a god. Is there?

Originally posted by Creeping Jesus
please..

can you ask El Pollo Diablo if "The HOFF" is a true genius or a true fool?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?

...

"Ah yes... the elusives appeal of the Kight Riders. This has been a mystery for those on both sides of the dimensional ethers. However, my superiors wisdoms has discerned that David is in facts a true genius. He posesses the same geniuses witnessed in the likeses of Adolf Hitlers and the Michael Jacksons. If you can gets an entires countrys to loves you, even if it being Germany, then you is the brilliants. Actually, I am to credit, or blames if you wish, for some of his successeses. In a dream I revealed to hims my owns secret; a facial expression that won me many a fair ladies on the high seas. It is my expressions of severe compassion. You know you can'ts resist ladies, so don'ts even tries. Thank you. Come again."

Originally posted by Hurricane
I'm having dinner tonight with a couple that I think feels sorry for me. If they do, is it okay to trash their house, throw up on their fairy garden, and tell them how happy and content I really am? Or, do I take the pity and just be happy that I got a free meal?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?

...

"Dear hurricanes, I'm sures they feels sorry for yous, but not why you thinks. Trust me. I knows these peoples. They are more of the 'mock' than 'sympathy' type peoples. You are probablys some means for them to makes funs of you. That is alls. Or, it coulds be that they are plannings some kinds of revenge for you cancellings on the Halloweens party they were been throwings last year. Or maybes theys been scared of your wife. It is being hard to say sometimes. Either ways, you can uses whatever attentions you can gets at this point, no? That's right. You know you can'ts. Thank you. Come again."

Originally posted by euwhajavb
Ahh, I see, well thank you.

More, if you do not mind:

(side note, i showed my girlfriend your responses and she said "why are you so annoying? that's my question for him. I don't like him". I think she doesn't want to admit you haunt her dreams

)

Who or what is the management, exactly?

Can you tell me if I will be with you soon or in the distant future?

Can you use me as a medium too, or visit my dreams or something of the likes?

And my girlfriend said to ask if there is a god. Is there?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?

...

"euwhajavb,
Ah, that is the ways of the womens. Sometimes the being attractioned is so strong it is being frightening. Such intese emotions can sometimes being confused with irritations. But seeings how you are a goods person, I will stop the hauntings of her dreams. A womans should not has to make that kinds of choices.

To answer your questions:
Bob
distants
cans but don'ts
yes

Thank you. Come again.

Ha! I kidding agains. Those are being true answers, but let me splain, because I am not one who rolls likes that.

The managings director is Bob Muhelmuhey. Hes has been having this job since the past 84 years. In about 322 more years, he will rotates to the recreations director positions. Peoples likes to take turnses, and in the ends it doesn't really matters.

I have been cleards to say that your transition to this planes of being is quite some times off. That's the bests I can do.

I can speaks to many peoples and haunt the dreams of alls! Muwaha ha ha haaaa! Howevers, I usually only speaks through person here by screen names Hogtie. Hes is of low self esteems and I fears that if I move ons he may do somethings stupids like destroy flower beds outsides of public librarys. Or possiblys burns down a circus tents. I am thinkings it is safe to says that nones of us wants that... Except for that guys livings in his mother's basements in Tiempe, Arizona. You thoughts I didn't knows about you, didn'ts you? Sicko...

Yes, there is being a God. I coulds go into the wholes Urge / Demi-urge or Gods is the dreamer and we is beings the dreams thing, but it all keeps changings, so it doesn't really matters either. I cans says that alls this fightings about it is just pretty stupids. Fights over womens, and goldses, and winning eating contests, but nots books about whats God did or didn'ts says.

Thank you. Come again."

whathappens to me after college, and are you in heaven because whereever you are it sounds cool

Oh wise one will I meet the man of my dreams and where will I meet him? Thanks for your time and effort.

Great and Terrible Pollo Diablo, I have come to the conclusion you are a genius. I greatly enjoy the responses you give, and I am sorry if I bother you with questions. I don't mean to, but I just cannot helps myselfs.

Am I on a good path to opening my mind and spiritual development?

Why do I have trouble astral projecting when I have no fear of it and I have done it once before?

How can I further free myself from the shackles of subliminal mind control?

Originally posted by denynothing
whathappens to me after college, and are you in heaven because whereever you are it sounds cool

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?
...

"denynothings: I is so sorrys to being the one who has to tells you this, but after colleges, you gets a... jobs! A real ones! Outs in the workings worlds! You has my sympathys. This is ones of the things that leds me to piracy, no? Don't worry's abouts going pro immediatelys, though. I knows several peoples who did the graduatings and got... jobs *ack*, untils they gots picked up by the ball playings teams, which is beings a sure things for you as longs as you don't drops the balls or runses the wrongs way.

Is I's in Heaven? Abso-freakins-lutelys! There is beings the picnics, and the croquet tournaments here. Sometimes the non-survivors of the bands calling themselves the Allman Brothers and Lynard Skynard gets togethers and jams with Gustav Mahlers. You would not believes that would works, but somehow they puts it all togethers. Syd Barret just gots here, but he's a little standoffish. Did you knows he has shaveded his eyes brows? What a wacky guys!

Thank you. Come again."

Originally posted by gallopinghordes
Oh wise one will I meet the man of my dreams and where will I meet him? Thanks for your time and effort.

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?

...

"Ah... la cuestión del amor. You will meets the mans of your dreams! But you will meets him at works, and he will be being unavailable for the paroles untils 2017. Hah! I kiddings yet again! But yes you wills, my dear. I cans not be verys specifics, but from all indications, on Mays the 23, 2007 you will be havings the lunches at Tavern on the Water on 1 Pier 6, 8th Street in Charlestown, after rewardings yourselfs hard works with a trips to Bostons. You has just finished a tours of the USS Constitution. At a comfy tables, your napkin drops. As you reaches for its, a handsome strangers does as wells. Your hands touches, and from that moments forwards in time, the rests, my friend, is history! His names will be Trevors Harrison, and hes will being a visiting professors at MIT, giving lecturings on the sciences of makings the womens happys. Aside from thats, I can be no mores in the specifics. Some things, must remains mysteriouses! Thank you. Come again."

Originally posted by euwhajavb
Great and Terrible Pollo Diablo, I have come to the conclusion you are a genius. I greatly enjoy the responses you give, and I am sorry if I bother you with questions. I don't mean to, but I just cannot helps myselfs.

Am I on a good path to opening my mind and spiritual development?

Why do I have trouble astral projecting when I have no fear of it and I have done it once before?

How can I further free myself from the shackles of subliminal mind control?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?
...

"Thank you, thank you. Yes, I ams somewhats of a genius, but thens, I is deads and haves the benefits of seeing pans-dimensionalys. Ben Disraeli could does the sames things if he would gets off his lazy butts. But he won'ts.

Just bys askings the questions, you is on the tracks of correctness. Somes says that the feelings of doubts is being the responses from the divine. Longings is the returns messages. Remebers that there is no one paths, and it is being okays to change paths as longs as the head stays in the rights directions. Howevers, it would being in your best interests to stop killings the chickens in your apartmentses. The neighbors is complainings.

The astral projections is trickys, and most likelys you is tryings too hard. Relaxes and lets it happens. If it doesn'ts, get not the frustrateds. If you gets the sensations of only beings a few inches offs the beds, that is being fine. Takes it slowlys. Can I shares a secrets with you, euwhavajab? The best part of the astral projections is the sneakings into ladies-onlys gymnasiums and watching the secrets of the womens: It is the steps arobics. Mens is so cheateds by nots getting the sames workouts. Sure there is being steps aerobics for mens, too, but the womens has a few extra secret steps which really burns the excesses celulite. If I wasn't deads, I would be sos jealous!

For yours third questions, you must does two things. Stops watching the televisions, and avoids the frozen foods aisle. The televisions is selfs explanitories, but not manys knows about the frozen foods isles, with all of the words lined up perfectlys and secretives. It is being ones of the reasons for the two candidates for the United States office of the presidents in 1999 being Als Gore and Georges Bush. Nothing elses cans splain its.

Thank you. Come again.

Hm, your responses are saturated in wisdom as much as my posts are in flattery. More questions for you, I have as usual.

Why does my internet mess up so often when it is not supposed to, especially around the hours of 1:30 - 4:00 am?

How can I access the fabled Akashic Records (I think that's spelled right)?

How can I gain, or access rather, things like telepathy, and telekinesis?

What should I major in when I go back to college?

Where should I look for a job that I'd like?

Originally posted by hogtie

Originally posted by maria_stardust
Oh, El Pollo Diablo, I'll be attending a fancy dinner this weekend. I'm trying to decide if I should wear my indigo gown which is a wee bit tight, or my mint green long dress which is a little more comfortable. Also should I wear my hair up or down?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?

...
"My dears, you has comes to the right of places! At fancys dinners, nones of us ever eats as manys as we would like, no? I always gots the nervouses about using the rights fork. What the heck is that tiny little ones for anyways? So's comfortable clothings is for the superbowls partys where we can eats lots of nachos and beers,and maybe some taqitos. Fancy partys is for showing the worlds how hots we is, and lady-friend, that means showings the curves! As for hairs, the differences between ups and downs is the differences betweens politely clinking he wines glasses, and throwing the glasses intos the fire places saying 'Look at the sexy person in the room called ME!' So's I am goings with the tight indigo number, and the hair beings in the down positions. Show thems who you is! I hopes there will be nothings flamables in the rooms, with excepting for the candles because you will be ignitings things tonights with fires! Wows!

Thank you. Come again."

Thank you so much! I did heed your advice, and it was a wise move. I had a wonderful time, although my feet are somewhat sore from dancing in heels.

At any rate, since you're such a rare talent, if I may pose one more question. What is the future of my career?

Originally posted by euwhajavb
Hm, your responses are saturated in wisdom as much as my posts are in flattery.

More questions for you, I have as usual.

Why does my internet mess up so often when it is not supposed to, especially around the hours of 1:30 - 4:00 am?

How can I access the fabled Akashic Records (I think that's spelled right)?

How can I gain, or access rather, things like telepathy, and telekinesis?

What should I major in when I go back to college?

Where should I look for a job that I'd like?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?
...

"This is a commons occourance, which has to be dealings with the peoples in several time zones behinds you. They are taking ups the worlds bandswidths for the pornographys. Thats is alls. Or you does all your secrets researches betweens those hours, and the Illuminatis is trackings you downs. I suggests boarding ups your windows and installings the security cameras just in cases.

The Akashic Records does not reallys exists like Ed thoughts, in thats it is nots seperates from matters. A cosmics computers would mostly be useds for cosmic video games, and the cosmics pornography, like what is interruptings your services, so's this is not what it is. What you calls the Akashic Records is reallys in atomic structures of alls things. The fingerprints of alls creations is in the cells of yous and everyones, grasses, rockses, things of ether likes me... All spuns into beings, by the creations, and none of it seperates. It is nots something to be accesseds, you just lives it.

I is sorrys, buts you can nots access the mind tricks powers of guessing and moving things. Humans can nots do this while beings alives. There are some ons the Earth who do this, but they is not humans. They is aliens comings to wins the lotterys and be ons the televisions. Somes to make a difference, but usuallys they is just bored and likes to messes with peoples. Some humans see the spiritses, but the spiritses do the works, nots the people seeings them, otherwise the peoples would go with the crazys. Likes that boy in the movie of the 6 senses. 'I sees dead peoples'. Only times a gazillion! Cause there are lots of spriritses runnings arounds, and peeping into windows and that kinds of things. And the remotes viewings: half aliens.

As for majors, I am seeings three things: religions, philosophies, and cellular biologies. If you goes with philosophys make sures you has an exit strategies. It will be bads if your final exams is the essay, 'How cans I make a living with a philosophys degree'. Everybodys gets an F on that ones.

On the jobs issues, I is as interested in the works as I ams in the sports. Which is not muches. I will takes a guess at this ones and says to makes a big sign and stand at nearby intersections advertings the beings of your skill sets. Future employers will probably be admiring your gumptions.

Thank you. Come again."

Originally posted by maria_stardust


Thank you so much! I did heed your advice, and it was a wise move. I had a wonderful time, although my feet are somewhat sore from dancing in heels.

At any rate, since you're such a rare talent, if I may pose one more question. What is the future of my career?

Oh, great and terrible El Pollo Diablo! Hear this petitioner's query. What message shall pass from thee to we?
...

"Wonderfuls! I was knowing you had great successes. Trys a warm soaks with the epsom salts for sore feets.

As I just told euwhavajab, I's is nots so much for the works. But yous is being a special case, so here you is: Throughs the visions and eye for makings things works you will move ups in your career untils you decides thats it is not whats be making you most happys. You will thens sucessfullys go intos the businesses for yourselfs. Possiblys designing the sock puppets, but I's is not too sures. Has you considered piracy? It is much funs, and you gets to wear all the fancys clothes that you wants! Whatever you dos, stick with the indigos. Your colors!

Thank you. Come again."

El Pollo Diablo,

Boxers or briefs?