Daystar's Funny Thread

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the
instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's
udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep,
"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

ONESTONE

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone to not call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, and all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story???

Think about it...

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Summer is here and the US Department of the Interior, Forestry
section
is making a suggestion on wild life and safety. They advise people to
wear
noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert
but
not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper
spray
in case of an encounter with a bear.


It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and
know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.


Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.


Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.
"ASSHOLES!" she yelled......
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks, Jane
Fonda, John Kerry and Michael Moore

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight,
"I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 am., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door,
the damn cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such
a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed),
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
and I told him Midnight".
He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!
Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said,
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then
said, "Oh #.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

The Degrees of blondeness:

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is
clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she
is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade
was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George
Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the
steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

This one has a bit more of a select audience, but many of you might find it funny. If you don't get it, check out www.roadie.net... for a little clarification.

Two riggers are sitting up in the catwalks of a theatre, watching the lighting director on the stage, gelling lights. One rigger says to the other, "I wonder how much brain power it takes to do his job?"

"I don't know," says the second rigger, "but we could find out." The second rigger throws a wrench at the lighting directong, hitting him squarely in the head, knocking out half of his brain. The lighting director continues on with his work, as though nothing happened.

The first rigger throws another wrench at the lighting director, and hits him square in the head, knocking out another quarter of his brain. The lighting director continues unphased.

The two riggers continue pelting the lighting director with various objects until they kill off all but one of the lighting director's brain cells.

Upon reaching his last brain cell, the lighting director promptly drops the gels, and walks over to the microphone and says, "Check, one, two."

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

McDonalds:Because sueing a fastfood company for getting fat was always on everyone's to-do list.

So one day, the U.S. government set up a competition between the C.I.A., FBI, and the Los Angelas Police Department to see who can perform better in the field.

They released a rabbit into a forest and which ever organization to bring the rabbit back the fastest wins.

So the CIA goes first, the CIA takes samples from trees, and all surrounding plants, "interrogates" friendly woodland creatures, take core samples of the Earth, use GPS to triangulate the "suspects" possible location and after 3 months of careful deliberation, the CIA concludes that there are no such things as rabbits.

The FBI is next, the FBI goes in, talkes to foxes, birds, and anyone who might have seen the rabbit come by, brings in their commando force and after 2 weeks of searching they burn parts of the forest down and make no apologies. They concluded the rabbit was not in the forest in question.

The L.A.P.D. goes in next and after 2 hours in the forest they come out with a badly beaten bear saying "ok, ok, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

Shattered OUT...

Ok...


How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb..........one

What did the orange say to the apple......oranges dont talk stupid

A boy and his father are walking in a field and the son says...if grandpa was here there'd be 4 of us ,how is this possible.......idoit cant count ,lol

[edit on 4-6-2006 by Marto_Bagg]