Daystar's Funny Thread

Originally posted by UK Wizard
Two Generals, one American and one British were having an arguement, the American General said ''i bet my marine is braver than your marine'',
the British General laughed and said ''prove it''
''Marine'' shouted the American General
''Yes Sir'' barked the Marine
''I want you the climb to the the top of that tower over there, jump off and land on your head, is that clear?'' shouted the American General
''Yes Sir'' barked the Marine
The US Marine ran to the tower climbed to the top and lept off, landing on his head, causing a horrible sight, a couple of US Marines loaded him onto a stretcher, the mangeled Marine saluted the US General as he went past
the US General roared with pride ''beat that then!''
the British General let out a small grin
''Marine'' said the British General in a normal voice
''Yes Sir'' replied the British Marine
''i want you to climb to the the top of that tower over there, jump off and land on your head'' spoke the British General
''Bollocks sir'' shouted the British Marine
''Now that bravery'' laughed the British General

I dont get it...

Is it some sort of weird British humor.

it is british joke, i think Jim Davidson thought it up so....

it's taking the piss out of American gung-ho really,

i laughed out loud when i heard it... maybe it's just me though

[Edited on 14-8-2004 by UK Wizard]

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed
Little Bo Peep was giving him head
As soon as he came, she started to weep
She knew by the taste, he'd been screwing her sheep!

Hi Ho
Hi Ho
I stuffed her full of snow
And pills and weed
But she OD'ed
Hi Ho
Hi Ho Hi Ho Hi Ho

A tramp walks into a high-class jewelers.

He casually strolls into the centre of the shop and, in full of everyone present, strips. Then, as everyone watches horrified, he puts his index finger up his @$$!!!

The assistant snaps and screams "GET OUT!"

The tramp smiles and with his other hand points to a sign on the door:

"Come in and pick your ring in comfort"

A man walked into the bathroom at the pub. He opened the door and went to the urinal. While taking a piss, he looked next to him and saw a little three-foot tall, bearded guy wearing all green clothing, complete with pointy shoes and green, fuzzy hat with bells on it. More amazing than this was the little man had a huge 12" dick.

"Whoa! Little dude," said the man, "how on Earth did you get such a huge schlong?"

"Well, you see, I'm a leprechaun." The little man replied in a thick Irish accent. "I just wished it on meself."

"That's awesome!" The man said. "Listen, do you think you could help a fella out and grant me a 12" todger?"

"Well," said the little man, "I don't usually do favours. But maybe just this once. Okay, I'll grant your wish on one condition."

"What?" asked the man expectantly.

"You have to let me phuk ya up the ar$e three times." smirked the little guy.

The man looked at the leprechaun's enourmous member and winced. But then he thought about the glorious reward that he would receive. "Alright. I'll do it." he said.

So the little bearded, fuzzy-hatted guy led the man into a cubicle and had his painful way with him three times.

As the little guy was standing just outside the cubicle doing up his pants and putting his green fuzzy hat back on, the man, breathless, in pain, and slumped on the toilet top said, "I can't believe I let you phuk me up the ar$e three times with that huge dik."

"Well," replied the little guy, "I can't believe you believed I was a leprechaun."

I love the 'Helloo copper " one. Now I have to give you a laugh or try to, since you made me laugh,,ok I am going to look for something funny.

Cold Water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"

thank you for destroying my trust in fairy-folk

as for you real...

LOL!! that was too gross

Heres one

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

here is a good one I got in an e-mail tonight. It's kinda bad, so ahem excuse the language in it.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out;
> both were very
> faithful and loving wives.. however, they had gotten
> over-enthusiastic
> on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk &walking
> home they needed to
> pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
>
> One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
> she would take off
> her panties and use them. Her friend however was
> wearing a rather
> expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin
> them, but was lucky
> enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
> wreath with a ribbon on
> it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the
> girls did their
> business they proceeded to go home.
>
> The next day one of the women's husbands was
> concerned that his
> normally
> sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
> so he phoned the
> other husband and said "These damn girl nights have
> got to stop. I'm
> starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home
> with no panties! Oh
> my
> Gosh I'll kill the son of a bitch!"
>
> "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came
> back with a card
> stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From
> all of us at the
> Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Who knows a joke?

A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment".

The interviewer then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M.

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that".

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and
not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was
supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

Originally posted by Daystar
Scientists have discovered that all women will, at sometime, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately, 95% of them will spit it out!

The best joke of the first page....aint read the rest.

But here is a great joke and by far the greatest to be on this thread.



Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

You can't wait i bet!

A: To get to the other side!!!



That one always cracks me up.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Geesh, I
wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The Parrot responds, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guys says. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the Parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guys asks. "Then answer this; how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"

The Parrot responds, "Well, this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I would be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssst".... said the Parrot, "truth is, nobody wants me cause I
don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy
an offer!"

The guy makes an offer, and gets the parrot on the cheap.

The Parrott is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the Parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing, "I don't know if
I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"Your wife greeted the postman at the door in a sheer black nightie and
kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" The guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and put his hands under her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the Parrot.

"OH, NO!" he exclaims, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, began to kiss her all over, starting
with her breasts and slowly........"

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED???"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY : Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work, since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!

ROTFLMFAO Funny one DAY! Keep it up!