Daystar's Funny Thread

Welcome to this thread that I have created for you. Its continuing mission; to bring you humour in any way possible. Be it cheesy, satirical, or... whatever! You get the idea!

Contributions are gratefully accepted, and indeed EXPECTED from some members of ATS (no names mentioned )

The purpose of this thread is to make you smile when you are having a bad day, so please be nice!

Our opening peice: Why Parents Go Grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello," whispered the child.

Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."

Those who love the English language will appreciate the following:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad yu smil, pleas tel it to oza pepl.

Ich bin ein Deutchlander? Nein!

This story was given to me by a friend who wrote it after getting divorced. When you read the last line, you will see why I asked him "You're not TOO bitter are you?"

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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.

So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: 'What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises etc. He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited!

The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!

Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question!

Gawain began to think of his predicament- during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read on until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly.

Underneath it all, she's still a witch - and don't you forget it.

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Hope you liked!

I just noticed that daystar backwards is ratsyad....

Hehe, those were great!

One day, a lifeguard is up on his perch, looking out at the beachgoers through his binoculars. He spots this woman with no arms, and no legs, and she's crying. feeling sorry for her, he climbs down, then walks over to where she is...

"Hi...what's wrong?" he says.
She replies with a sniffle, "Well, I'm 20 years old, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."
He feels sorry for her, reaches down, gives her a hug, and she stops crying.

About a week goes by, then the same lifeguard, sees the same woman...again, she is crying.

"Err...uh...hi," he says..."What's wrong now?"
She replies with a sniffle, "Well, I'm 20 years old, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."
Well, he figures, it's just a kiss, what harm could it do? He bends down, and gives her a kiss, and she stops crying.

About another week goes by, and then the same lifeguard sees the same woman. Getting a little irritated now, he climbs down, and goes over, if just out of curiosity...

"What is it this time?" he asks.
She replies with a sniffle, "Well, I'm 20 years old, I've got no arms and no legs, and I've never been #ed!" He gets a twinkle in his eye, and gently bends down, and picks her up into his arms. He looks lovingly at her, and walks out into the surf. He then gives a good heave-ho! and throws her into the ocean, as far as he can!

"There.." he shouts, "now you're #ed!"

Sick, I know...but funny, hehe.....

From January 2004, Viagra will only be available under its chemical name.

Please ask your pharmacist for 'Mycoxafloppin'.

Viagra is now available in eye-drops.

You won't get an erection but you'll look hard.

A customer walks into a pharmacy. She goes up to the pharmacist, and asks, "Is it true, with Viagra, that you can get it over the counter?" The pharmacist replies, "Well, maybe if I take two..."

First of all, I would like to thank Gaz for his contribution. I knew I could count on you buddy!

Now for the next installment.

Teasing the Gorilla

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape (I know , I know...). He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

That's priceless!!!

Scientists have discovered that all women will, at sometime, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately, 95% of them will spit it out!

Due to the nature of my last joke, I have decided to try and even the score for the girls...

A woman goes out to a club with her best friend. She meets a guy and asks him back to her place. When they get into her bedroom she throws herself on the bed and says to the guy;

"Do what guys do best!"

The guy picks his nose, farts and then screws her best friend!

Then imagine this:

You and your brother are Siamese twins. You are a homophobe.

Tonight, your brother's boyfriend is coming over and you only have one @$$!

So, this blond suspects her husband of cheating. So, she talks with her coworkers about it, and they're also blondes, so you can guess that nothing productive came of the conversation. So, the blond decides to go buy a gun, and deal with it like that. So, she goes down to the store, and starts the process of buying a gun. Three days later, she comes down, pays for the gun, and takes the rest of the afternoon off. She heads home early, opens the door to the bedroom, and sure enough, her husband's getting it on with a GORGEOUS redhead.
Shocked, the Blonde pulls the gun out of her purse, and with tears in her eyes, she cocks it. She then holds it up to her own head. Puzzled, the husband exclaims 'STOP!'
'SHUT UP!', she replies scathingly 'you're next'

more of those please!

"you're next" (LOL!) Crazy Lady!

It's one that my dad told me about a week ago.

A man finds a woman tied to a railway track. He unties her and has the best sex he has ever had.

Gonna get blown tomorrow if he can find her head.

Daystar,

well, that last one was kind of...eeeewww...

But nice idea starting this thread I like that. Some humor never killed anyone, and medecine tend to prove it's healthy. Here's a CIA joke I thought was good...

---

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside on the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you"re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing and
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I
had to beat him to death with the chair."

and another one, for sports fan

A man had tickets to the World Cup Final right at the centre-line. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. The seat is empty.
"This is is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.
" Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor, to take the seat?" The man shakes his head.
"No," he said. "They're all at the funeral."

I think this thread should be made a sticky. It's really cool, I wish I'd have seen it sooner.

Some pilot humor...

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget