Daystar's Funny Thread

Politics. A word that causes some of us to yawn, and some of us to invade the Middle East.

But just what is politics? Well, this is how the Daystar Comprehensive Dictionary describes politics:

Politics (POL-e-TICKS)
1. A parrot with a bomb.
2. Corruption, money, sex, and the British newspapers.

Hopefully, this has answered some of the questions that you may have.

[edit on 2-3-2005 by Daystar]

Four Catholic mothers are having coffee together discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God!!!"

I told your beans one at the pub the other day and got a good laugh, DS. Looks like I owe you a beer, mate. :lo:

Three turtles decide to go on a picnic. They get the sandwiches packed and set off. The picnic area is two days walk for the slow turtles, so by the time they get there, they're as hungry and thirtsy as hell. Turtle 1 starts unpacking the picnic basket.

He stops and suddenly says, "Oh, $hit! We forgot the bloody beer."

"Oh, no." The other two groan.

"Right," he says, "Turtle 2 you have to go back and get the beer."

"No way!" Turtle 2 says, "I did most of the packing."

"Ok, Turtle 3, you have to go back and get the beer."

"No way!" Turtle 3 protests, "it's two days there and two days back. You guys'll eat all the sandwiches while I'm gone."

"No we won't" says Turtle 1, "now hurry up and go."

Turtle 3 crosses his arms and says, "I don't trust you guys. I'm not going."

"Look," says Turtle 1, "we swear on our mothers' shells we won't touch the food until you come back."

"Okay, but you promised." And Turtle 3 hobbles off into the distance.

So Turtle 1 and Turtle 2 wait four days just as they promised. But Turtle 3 still isn't back.

"Well, we promised we'd wait, so we'll wait." Turtle 1 says. So they continue to wait.

Another day passes, another...and another, and still Turtle 3 hasn't returned. They're nearly starving, shrivelling in their shells.

"We're going to starve out here." Turlte 2 says.

"Ok," says Turtle 1, "we'll wait one more day and if he hasn't returned, we'll have to eat or we'll die."

So they wait one more day, and still Turtle 3 hasn't come back. So they start to unpack the sandwiches and ravenously devour them.

Suddenly, Turtle 3 jumps out from behind a rock and says, "I FEKKIN KNEW IT! THAT'S IT, I'M NOT GOING!"



[edit on 2005/3/7 by wecomeinpeace]

LMAO wcip! good one mate!

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand ... and try saying things like 'yes, I see,'and 'yes, go on, and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No effin way! What happened next?!"

[edit on 9-3-2005 by Daystar]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, "Well,sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

Originally posted by Daystar
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No effin way! What happened next?!"

Another one for the pub. Cheers, DS.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily....

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember!" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek, and says... "I would have gotten out today."

[edit on 10-3-2005 by Daystar]

Poor guy.

That was funny, here is an e-mail I got, it made me laugh so I'll post it.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

6. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Thoughts for the weekend :

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it
> had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I
see
> your driver's license and registration please?"
>
> The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"
>
> "You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
>
> "Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"
>
> "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
> ways, and proceed with caution."
>
> "You gotta be kidding me!"
>
> "It's no joke, sir."
>
> "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
> miles, and proceeded with caution."
>
> "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete
stop,
> and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
>
> "You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the
> doughnut shops closed?"
>
> "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
> registration immediately!"
>
> "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
coming
> to a complete stop."
>
> The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do
better
> than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out,
and
> proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now
> sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
>
> Teaching by example is not a lost art in Texas..........
>
>

Here is another funny e-mail I got.

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

Originally posted by Shai_lene
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

I like that one!

Keep em coming Shai... some good contributions!

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

LMao..they were good...
Having a drink here..


Thanks for that, daystar I'll put more in tonight maybe.:w:

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too
young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and
squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on
the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're #in all over the bed!"

LMFAO Shai!



Too funny!

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He then pushes his luck.

"I want the house," he says insistently.

The car's now up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete wall.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her:

"Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

ROFL....:

Too funny..I.love to laugh day...