Straight relationship rant/questions

a reply to: CriticalStinker
I do agree, really. See my latter posts. A simple conversation can achieve that after getting some distance from the topic. Rationally approaching things and being cautious with words and most important: Listening to what the other one says and not already making up an answer or interpreting own prejudice into it, while the other one is still talking and trying to convey their viewpoint. It can be difficult though, if not both parts adhere to this.

I got the impression from the OP that he's very much capable of this and has tried. However I also got a very different impression about his wife's behavior. And no way I am just blaming her. It takes two to tango and fight, most of the time.

That is, unless one of the parties is not truthful and loyal. Loyal as in, figuring it out together and not having a second conversation without the other party, behind their backs. It's dishonest and not fair since it drags out the conversation into a domain that is not accessible to the other one. Not saying one should not be able to talk with friends about relationship problems.

It's more like, and maybe my intuition is wrong with that, certain red flags come up. You men have your talks and we women have that too. We are presented a circle of women that already conspire against the husband. Believe me when I tell you that such people will be, with high probability, nurturing any anger or sorrow she feels. That might not even be with evil intend because if they are friends, they just want the best. And since women have the upper hand in divorce, especially with kids, that is the least part of resistance for the friends to work against, to make their friend happy.

Believe me, I was in such conversations before and tried to be the reasonable part while the rest of the group homed into "curb the guy, cheat on him, live your life, free your shackles" type of advices were making the round. Women, not all, but most, like scandals and drama. Especially when it's not about them but can influence and be part of it. Real life soap opera. A single individual would not engage in such but a group will.

Add what we else know about that group, as we have to take OPs word for it, you can now maybe imagine the tone and advices, when they already collect or offer money that is probably for a lawyer, there is clear influence. It's like 5 against 1 and the reciprocation of information is asymmetric. As in, OP is shielded from that.

In a way he sought balance, so what we do here, without the wife knowing, is basically the same on some levels. With other sentences in the OP, like not even being able to speak to her and the irrational polling about his political stance, that she should know after 14 years and living together, makes my hair stand up and my spider senses tingle.

It absolutely reminds me of that friends wife that went bat# crazy. Like a fuse burned through. And that's what I see here too, call it projection if you want, I reflected about that possibility but still can't help it, the red flags are there. So yes, a simple talk can help but I already took all this into consideration. And by that I do not say, it would be useless.

Simple talks evidently do not work anymore and hence the similarity to the situation a friend goes through currently, that even went more similar while the thread progressed, it felt almost like a duty to make him aware of these things. I don't know him and don't owe him anything but he seems like a decent person that does not deserve what I see coming.

Hopefully I am wrong and it all works out for the two though. 14 years is not something one should give up just like that, even more so with children. There's the fallacy of sunken cost too, kids or not.

a reply to: M5xaz

. . . women on average are weaker, shorter, less muscle mass, less bone density than men . . .

This was noticed by the US military so they did a study. They found it isn't gender that makes most of the difference, it's the amount of physical exercise taken during childhood. From an early age girls are encouraged to take less exercise.

Denise LaPage was about 5 years old when she told her mother she wanted to play hockey like her older brother.

Her mother signed her up for an ice skating class instead. LaPage finally started playing hockey at 7, but said it still wasn’t what she saw her brother doing on the ice.

“Men decided on how the girls would play, and for one, we couldn’t check, even though we had the same skeletons as the guys,” she said.

The coaches also weren’t as instructive as they were with the male players, she said, instead directing female players on how to skate up and down the rink instead of teaching them passing or shooting.

eu.metrowestdailynews.com...

Encouraging children to take the same amount of exercise regardless of gender will result in a vastly more balanced society.

a reply to: satellite1

I hope you don't mind a latecomer replying...

I just feel like the very basic reason we are with each other are of limits now and that as I say confuses me, is the attraction of the opposite sex for a straight man and woman a touchy subject?

Generally speaking, I think that most conversations about sexuality -- sexual orientation, sexual attraction, masculinity, femininity, gender identity -- are touchy subjects on various levels.

Our sexuality is so personal, so subjective, so intangible, that it is literally unique to ourselves. It encompasses our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual natures. It is also subject to expanding and refining with experience and observation. Likewise for our thoughts about masculinity and femininity. While some thoughts and opinions and feelings might remain constant, others will not. It can be a moving target!

I'm not sure where your wife is coming from or going to with her current thoughts, but I am concerned that her group of friends would go to such lengths to divide your marriage. Is this an online group of "friends"? I'm concerned that if she's not working, and has nothing else to fill her time, she might have gotten sucked into one of the cult-like groups on Reddit or Tumblr (or elsewhere), where this kind of crap is rife. Funding her "liberation" from your oh-so-backward ways would be a way to draw her further in, make her beholden to the group, convince her she owes them her loyalty and Heaven only knows what else.

I hope I'm wrong, but it might be something to consider.

Good luck and God bless to you both

a reply to: Kester

The study doesn't say what you think it says.

It measured the ability of women to perform specific tasks/tests as required by the army. It did not compare performance or physiological traits between men and women. It does not say that women can do anything men can do. It does not say that any woman with the proper training/exercise can be just as strong, muscular, etc. as men. It simply shows that these women were able to complete these tasks which the army did not think they could.

And while the article doesn't not address the effects of physical exercise stress on the female body, other studies have shown that extreme exercise and athletic activities delays puberty, and otherwise adversely affects the female body's path to physical/anatomical/biological maturity. These adverse effects can be long-term, affecting their general health and their reproductive health.

Bachelor until age 50. There is no reason for a man to feel pressured into marriage in the USA at least. It is a losing bet.
I was lucky as hell. Met a woman that adores me, had more money, and outside my race. But even without the money, Never ever marry anyone who thinks you owe them something. Then when you do find that someone, you bust your ass for her . I hate to say it, but the US culture has bred a certain belief in entitlement. You find someone outside that knows what's important, family, living within your means, etc. It makes life different. I have three grandchildren now from step children , the grandkids born after we were married. Wife had her ups and downs too when young. Those grandchildren are all my wasted 50 years ever asked for and I live for them each day.

originally posted by: Kester
a reply to: M5xaz

. . . women on average are weaker, shorter, less muscle mass, less bone density than men . . .

This was noticed by the US military so they did a study. They found it isn't gender that makes most of the difference, it's the amount of physical exercise taken during childhood. From an early age girls are encouraged to take less exercise.

Denise LaPage was about 5 years old when she told her mother she wanted to play hockey like her older brother.

Her mother signed her up for an ice skating class instead. LaPage finally started playing hockey at 7, but said it still wasn’t what she saw her brother doing on the ice.

“Men decided on how the girls would play, and for one, we couldn’t check, even though we had the same skeletons as the guys,” she said.

The coaches also weren’t as instructive as they were with the male players, she said, instead directing female players on how to skate up and down the rink instead of teaching them passing or shooting.

eu.metrowestdailynews.com...

Encouraging children to take the same amount of exercise regardless of gender will result in a vastly more balanced society.

Exercise helps, but stop denying biological genetic reality
www.cbssports.com...

Men are fundamentally stronger, more muscle mass, taller than women
The US military has found that very few/no women are able to pass physical tests for elite unit such as SEALS, even for regular tropps, the military has had to drop physical standards for women.

thehill.com...#:~:text=Army%20approves%20reduced %20physical%20fitness%20standards%20for%20women%2C%20older%20soldiers,-by%20Ellen%20Mitchell&text=Following%20a%20three%2Dyear%20review,pass%2C%20the% 20service%20announced%20Wednesday.

Stop denying reality !!

a reply to: satellite1
Hope you are feeling better today and that you two had a chance to speak

Oh I have never faced such situation