Straight relationship rant/questions

Hello all,

I don't know if this should be in the rant section or somewhere else, feel free to move it. I am a straight male in my late 40's married to my wife for 14 years, she's a straight (I think) female. I point out I am male; she is female as times are changing rapidly and I guess it should be clear. My wife is very left leaning, I don't vote, and I refuse to give my elegance to the rich and powerful, but I definitely lean more right, I guess. It's not an easy relationship sometimes but we work at it and love each other enough to keep plodding along. In the past few years though it has become almost impossible to discuss any current affairs, when covid first hit I asked questions and was never convinced by MSM, my wife believes everything NPR and CNN tell her. We almost broke up when I said they will restrict us from doing basic things if we don't get vaccinated, this was early on and I was the biggest fear monger and conspiracy nut on the planet, she even told me afterwards that she had a group conversation with her friends at the time who went as far as offering her money to leave me. I'm not a bad person, I have a big heart and love my family, I'd walk through fire for my family. I am the only one working, I take care of everything financially. I don't want an award for this, I actually feel a duty to do it, I am pretty old school on that front, and I do not expect her to clean and cook in return either, I do that stuff too, in fact I do most if not all the cooking, she's no Gordon Ramsey lol. I learned a lot from those early conversations and defriended those mutual friends too who wanted to pay her to breakup our family. Although I try to not talk politics or current affairs with her anymore, we recently talked about gender and the rapid changes in society, she starts most of these conversations too, sometimes I deflect because I know how it ends and sometimes I will engage, so I wanted to probe and bring it down to brass tacks as in, we're both straight, she is female and attracted to men, I am male and attracted to women. I wasn't trying to get the reaction out of her that she gave, I just wanted to understand something from her in that she is attracted to me as a man not a woman or anything else. Also, I just want to point out, I am not any of the phobics, my mother came out probably 30 years ago and has lived with her wife ever since. I have a very good friend who's daughter is currently transitioning to male, I get on very well with them, this doesn't prove anything I know but I know my own mind and I am not against change, ok so back to the conversation, I said as a man, I find woman attractive, I am attracted to their feminine qualities, personality, physical aspects etc. straight men don't share those things hence why I like women not men, that's ok to say that right? I assumed (my mistake lol) she was attracted to the masculine qualities of me/men and the physical aspects that define me as a man, as well as personality and the other things that go with being a man, I don't know how to best describe it, I never had to before, but I am just talking about a normal straight decent man. I know men can be Richard Heads sometimes (Sorry if your name is Richard Head no offence meant) but so can straight women too. I won't claim to understand women, dangerous territory, but I thought straight women had an attraction to masculinity as well and don't misunderstand me please, I don't mean guys who can't see their own reflection because they have too many hickies in the gym mirror. She got very upset with me for making this assumption, she says male masculinity is aggressive and wouldn't go anywhere near agreeing with me and wanted to conversation to end immediately or she was running off to the bedroom for the rest of the evening. I wasn't trying to upset her or wind her up either, no matter how I worded anything, she got more frustrated, this really confused me no end. She wouldn't be attracted to me if I was more like her and had a lot of feminine qualities, right? If she would then she would be attracted to those feminine qualities that I am attracted to and therefore she would not straight? I am not attracted to butch woman (Is it ok to say that?) so what's wrong with being a regular man these days? We fell in love over our personalities and sense of humor as well obviously, but if she was not female, we wouldn't have dated so wouldn't know our personalities. We wouldn't be together, probably same vice versa, so there is an attraction to femineity and masculinity, right? Is masculinity the wrong way to phrase it? IS all masculinity a bad thing? I am open to some education here as well but looking for thoughts all round. I just feel like the very basic reason we are with each other are of limits now and that as I say confuses me, is the attraction of the opposite sex for a straight man and woman a touchy subject?

Thanks for listening.

Seems to me your wife is being close-minded.

a reply to: satellite1

Don't fall into this bullcrap.

Men are men, women are women, and then we have clownworld.

Most of us are not in clownworld though people fear to speak up against clownworld and stay silent.

Men are not attracted to other men unless they are gay. I personally find NOTHING about a man's nasty hairy self appealing in the least, hell, I don't understand why women do.

Stand up for yourself. Be yourself, don't hide it.

Lead or be led.

a reply to: satellite1

That was a tough read. A paragraph now and then would have made it easier.

imo...Your relationship has deeper problems than just the attraction of the sexes. Control issues perhaps?

a reply to: satellite1

Well, as a guy, I certainly support the idea of being a provider, reliability, support for family, etc. However, paradoxically, many liberal women will resent you for it, as it hits their inferiority complex even as you provide for them. It's the exact same craziness behind "trannys" - liberal women resent the fact that women on average are weaker, shorter, less muscle mass, less bone density than men, so they go into this psychotic denial of their own feminity and/or their childrens', to reassure themselves that they can become as strong as a man just by waking up one morning and deciding to become a man. Schizophrenia, in total denial of XX and XY scientific genetic conditions set at conception and unchangeable.

With respect to your particular situation, I fear your wife may become ever more radical as her own body ages and she deep down feels less feminine. You are in your forties - do you want to walk on eggshells for the next forty years ?

Try couples counseling.
If that fails - EXIT

If you are in your forties, you are still young enough to find somebody else.

Best of luck

a reply to: satellite1

Tom is that you? Honestly though this is what started the problems to Tom and Gisele. You shouldn't have to ask or question what you beleive to be ok. She literally told him he can't speak about politics because she didn't agree.

The sign were there and she gained more and more liberal ideology in her career and Tom got more comfortable with his own views. Im working on a very long list on this and how politics have divided relationships as much or more than the country using TB and GB. It's actially a bit sickening when you dig into it.

a reply to: satellite1

Yeah, if she is not compatible, reasonable, or you worry she is going to chose her doctrine over you... Eject!

Take her to a nice fire and brimstone Baptist church and see what happens. That should be a good test.

The time of separating the wheat from the chaff is coming soon.

writingexplained.org...

Definition: Select the valuable things/people and take them away from the non-valuable things/people.

This expression first appeared in the Bible. It is a metaphor that speaks about how God will separate those who are worthy and those who are unworthy.

His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor, gathering his wheat into the barn and burning up the chaff with unquenchable fire.
It comes from the age-old practice of literally separating wheat from chaff. When winnowing grain, farmers wanted to remove all chaff from wheat. In the literal meaning, chaff is the husk around a seed, which one does not eat. In order to eat the wheat, one must remove the chaff.

The expression persists to this day.

originally posted by: Creep Thumper
Seems to me your wife is being close-minded.

Seems to me you future ex-wife didn't take you seriously enough.

It was a hard read without any paragraphs. I really don't know where to begin, that's quiet a lot. Evidently this all bugs you a lot, or else you would not have asked for advice here. I try treading lightly, for sure you will get more clearer advices from others. Will just go with the impression and give you a straight and honest answer.

Looks like you care a lot about about your wife. You're the one working, you cook, you make your life harder with all these thoughts about comforting her. Is that balanced? Masculinity is not bad. Your self description however, does not read too masculine in the traditional sense. Not overly. Masculinity also has to do with roles ascribed by nature and you serve both of these roles. You not only bring the money, you also bring the food onto the table.

I got a vibe from your description about your wifes friends. Who in their right minds offers money to a friend so they leave their husband? A clear WTF moment here. This is the first alarm bell that went off. Then it feels like either your wife or her friends are a bit... militant towards men? Why would someone offer money to a friend for leaving their partner? This alone tells me a lot about the moral codex your wife friends share and that reflects back on your wife to a degree.

No, masculinity is not a bad thing. Humanity would have had a hard time without it. And you're not overly masculine from your own description, which is not a bad thing. Physically maybe but not mentally. Maybe it's the wrong way to phrase it. Also, you are you and you should not bend too much for other persons.

- Do you love yourself?
- Do you love your wife?
- Do you feel loved by your wife?

If any of these questions results in a no, it's time to overthink your situation. Before I went reading your post, I grabbed myself a tea and thought like "No matter what, you're not going to be the one to advice divorce". So that's why you won't get that from me but think wise.

Your wife reads manipulative, while you rip off your ass go working and comforting her back and front, she's playing these games with you and supports friends that actively act against you. If you every think about leaving, tread carefully, she sounds like the person that will destroy your life. She seems to like exploiting you and can enjoy a nice life. You care for her financially, you care for her mentally and you care for her physical satisfaction, and if it's just food. Some women just have fun on the side and her life sounds a lot easier than yours.

I may be completely wrong with all this, though.

originally posted by: nerbot

originally posted by: Creep Thumper
Seems to me your wife is being close-minded.

Seems to me you future ex-wife didn't take you seriously enough.

This is amusing beyond belief as I am a woman.

a reply to: satellite1

Maybe she is attracted to all of your old school feminine qualities, like cooking and cleaning, that she can't really find in today's version of a feminist.

a reply to: satellite1

Sounds to me like your wife may be having a little bit of a midlife crisis where she is reexamining her life choices and blaming everyone else but herself for the way her life turned out.

Hopefully she will get through this phase quickly and remember all the good reasons she chose you as a life partner. I also suggest you not bend too much to her new theory on what will make her happy because this is a phase (hopefully) and your changing will only lead to her blaming current problems on your changes or her past unhappiness on your not changing earlier.

It's a no win situation. And men go through this too!

a reply to: satellite1

You all need to take a step back and sit down.

If you love her, explain that. Make sure you are both on the same page that when you have discussions, it’s best to explain why you see things a certain way rather than trying to prove the other person wrong. Conversations are much healthier when the objective is understanding and not winning.

If one of you all can’t agree to that, I’m not sure you’ll be able to have a healthy partnership. No two people agree on everything and nor should they, especially significant others. You’re supposed to see each others blind spots and help show those without it feeling like a competition.

Ah sorry about that. I would say the problems are, she has her own views and opinions, I am not afraid to agree with her or disagree on them however, the same can't be said for her, she's right no matter what. Guys are often wrong in marriages ha, but it gets tedious sometimes.

Here's another example, she brought up abortion rights when that was all the hot topic. I said I can see the argument for both sides, it's a womans body if she wants to have an abortion I'm ok with that, there are many reasons why a woman should be able to have an abortion, I'm not opposed to that BUT I think where that situation involves a guy, who is over the moon because he is going to be a dad, shouldn't he have any sway in the decision at all, even if he said, have the baby, I'll raise the kid and we can go our separate ways. As far as my wife was concerned, the dad in this situation has absolutely zero say in it and I find that sad.

a reply to: olaru12

a reply to: CriticalStinker
I support this and now feel I should have added the line to my post that includes talking with her. It was kind of obvious to me this already failed but should have been the first advice.

However, I did not get any competitiveness from the opening post. What I did pick up was a certain vibe about his wife that I know from real life. Women can be cruel with the face of an angel. The OP gave me the impression that satellite is a lot confused and insecure because his world view was toppled. Something he though he is in alignment with the person he shares his life, broke.

Maybe the OP can say a few words about it to clear that further up.

originally posted by: TDDAgain
It was a hard read without any paragraphs. I really don't know where to begin, that's quiet a lot. Evidently this all bugs you a lot, or else you would not have asked for advice here. I try treading lightly, for sure you will get more clearer advices from others. Will just go with the impression and give you a straight and honest answer.

Looks like you care a lot about about your wife. You're the one working, you cook, you make your life harder with all these thoughts about comforting her. Is that balanced? Masculinity is not bad. Your self description however, does not read too masculine in the traditional sense. Not overly. Masculinity also has to do with roles ascribed by nature and you serve both of these roles. You not only bring the money, you also bring the food onto the table.

I got a vibe from your description about your wifes friends. Who in their right minds offers money to a friend so they leave their husband? A clear WTF moment here. This is the first alarm bell that went off. Then it feels like either your wife or her friends are a bit... militant towards men? Why would someone offer money to a friend for leaving their partner? This alone tells me a lot about the moral codex your wife friends share and that reflects back on your wife to a degree.

No, masculinity is not a bad thing. Humanity would have had a hard time without it. And you're not overly masculine from your own description, which is not a bad thing. Physically maybe but not mentally. Maybe it's the wrong way to phrase it. Also, you are you and you should not bend too much for other persons.

- Do you love yourself?
- Do you love your wife?
- Do you feel loved by your wife?

If any of these questions results in a no, it's time to overthink your situation. Before I went reading your post, I grabbed myself a tea and thought like "No matter what, you're not going to be the one to advice divorce". So that's why you won't get that from me but think wise.

Your wife reads manipulative, while you rip off your ass go working and comforting her back and front, she's playing these games with you and supports friends that actively act against you. If you every think about leaving, tread carefully, she sounds like the person that will destroy your life. She seems to like exploiting you and can enjoy a nice life. You care for her financially, you care for her mentally and you care for her physical satisfaction, and if it's just food. Some women just have fun on the side and her life sounds a lot easier than yours.

I may be completely wrong with all this, though.

Everything here, except one thing. I DO advise divorce. Your wife's friends are undermining your relationship and seem to be doing a pretty damn good job at it. She cares more about them than you and the marriage.
I'd go so far as to say you don't even have a relationship anymore, you just happen to live in the same house.

I hate to say this, but I get the feeling you're about to get blindsided. If she's acting like this and has you questioning yourself, it's time to go.
Run like Hell and get a good lawyer, because I will bet money she and her friends already have plans.

a reply to: satellite1

I found your post to be open minded Sat. As well, I found your questions to be honest and demonstrative of your ability to dig deeply into yourself for answers. I also think that from what I just read that your wife is a fortunate woman.

If you are really looking for advice, my suggestion would be to ask her if she would like to read your post as it clearly shows your desire to improve your relationship.

One thing though. You suggest several times that your wive is straight, yet, right at be top of your post you say ''I think''.. That struck me. Do you question that? Do you wonder if she might ALSO have an attraction to other women? I don't know Sat, but that small point did jump out at me in reading.

"With respect to your particular situation, I fear your wife may become ever more radical as her own body ages and she deep down feels less feminine. You are in your forties - do you want to walk on eggshells for the next forty years ?"

I think about this a lot (not her physically changing, just the wanting to separate) but we have a young kid and I'd be hurting him more, so until he is able to take care of himself, I have a lot of eggshells to walk on for a few years but I do also love my wife and hold on to some hope that she sees things differently one day, I won't hold my breath though.

a reply to: M5xaz

originally posted by: M5xaz
a reply to: satellite1


Try couples counseling.
If that fails - EXIT

If you are in your forties, you are still young enough to find somebody else.

Best of luck

This is the best option in my mind.

It's such a shame that society has come to this, these touchy topics able to ruin relationships as if no one is worth anything beyond their opinion. Your post is sad as it's clear you value your family and yourself as who you are but somehow that isn't enough to your wife if you don't share the same beliefs as liberal folk do. What a conundrum. You seem to have a really good understanding of why straight men are attracted to women and vice versa. It's something intrinsic and natural.

I'm bisexual and in any relationship I've ever had the attraction was to masculinity of men or femininity of women. Both are really beautiful and I find the mixing of them off putting so wouldn't be able to date a trans person myself, though that'd be a taboo thing to say for many.

Stand firm in where you are with things. You aren't wrong. Your wife's take on things is pretty "trendy" and unnatural so she's sort of lost the plot like so many have at the moment. I think a sharp correction to this nonsense will come about pretty soon. Masculinity and femininity are fundamentals in nature that have been balanced since the beginning of time. To my mind, masculinity only became "toxic" when society became toxic, run by men who decided women were lesser and we are seeing enduring examples of this in trans "women" competing in women's sports, at the expense of real women's achievements.

To see balance we need to look to nature. Masculinity is what protected families, provided for them. Not that women didn't but with the real hard, heavy work that insured survival it was men who made it happen for the most part. That capability is attractive to women despite all this temporary brainwashing.

Personally, I'd give it a little more time to see if all this societal nonsense ends but be prepared to move on. Your ability to think deeply about all this will be attractive to a woman who also has the capacity to think deeper, that appreciates outside the trendy box intelligence, who understands her attraction to masculinity is natural.

a reply to: satellite1

I appreciate your stance but...

I will say that as you are a man you probably should, for the sake of everyone involved just sit out the abortion debate.

It isn't as if in the grand scheme of humanity women have had much choice in this aspect, so some women really don't want to hear from a man right now about that. Is it fair? No. But it wasn't exactly fair for women for much of humanity either.

Besides where is this debate with your wife getting either one of you? No where it sounds like.