Straight relationship rant/questions

None are men, all woman with very similar mindsets.

originally posted by: infolurker
a reply to: satellite1

Oh, I forgot to ask the big question....

Are these friends of your wife who are undermining your relationship... are ANY of them men by chance?

If so... you know the deal.

Friends my @ss, more of a weasel waiting for the opportunity.

a reply to: satellite1

Ah the cellphone. You remind me a lot about that friend. Down to saying "i love you" every evening and the wife being glued to the cellphone. Does she freak out when you pick it up to check the time? Major sign something is wrong. You should not snoop in it, for your own mental protection as well as it's not something one should do either. But I think you know that.

Overall it reads like you two are growing apart and it's you who bends, twists and adapts to keep the status quo for yourself. If you deep down feel that's wrong and if you don't receive any love, then the fall will be even harder. Honestly your case reads 99% like the case of my friend.

Just that she's not made up her mind yet but then he had to squeeze the truth out of her too. Could not even touch her, was disallowed to massage her or bring her tea. They share 18 years of their life and she thought she will miss something, can have that and have the husband, house and family too. When she noticed that he will not go along with this, as he also has a right to be happy and loved, she turned pure evil on him.

I am torn about writing this at all but I found out it's much better to say clear words that you then can weight up if they fit or not than beating around the bush too much. As F2d5th wrote, children fare a lot better in harmony and the mother-father relationship really does imprint. This is true for divorce children too but it's still better than growing up in a household where there is no love.

I know my "advices" are all hinting towards one direction. I could spare them up until you talked with your wife and then react but this is the internet, a forum and I can not expect you to keep the world updated about your relationship. Hope I could express myself so you can understand it.

To explain where I am coming from, myself, I am single mother with a daughter. Her father left way before she was born and they never had a real relationship. However, she does need that relationship too. Even though he never fed her or carried her to sleep, changed diapers, it's a father figure for her.

I tell you this to take away the fear you may have about distancing too much. Depends how old your son is, too. It will work out for you and your son, should all attempts to fix the relationship fail. The worst you could do now is fear the change and suffer further.

That is, all provided, attempts to talk and fix it fail. If so, like others wrote, get your ducks in a row and secretly find a lawyer. I wish you both all the success you can have, nonetheless.

Thank you kindly for the response.

"Does she perhaps have low self esteem because you're basically doing everything by the sound of it?"

Maybe she does. She has said before that she feels she needs to do more around the house because I work. I don't like that she feels that way to be honest.

a reply to: 19Bones79

a reply to: satellite1

Mate reading your post was like doing a word search , you need to Indent and separate your Paragraphs from now on .

It's interesting really your relationship has lasted this long. What is it like living with a true Leftist like even behind closed doors she believes this stuff ?

"Do you even like who your wife is now? Does she like you?"

No to the first one and I think she would probably respond as "meh" if you asked her if she liked me. Long term relationships get that way I guess, but at this moment, it's like I am the parent of 2 kids.

a reply to: satellite1
Do you think she has always held these views and kept them secret from you to keep the peace or do you think she is falling in with a clique who accepts her so long as she echos their same views?

This might be key question in your relationship that could determine how to proceed.

I am not one who thinks both parties have to be happy all the time for a successful marriage but once it gets to where one person is unhappy all the time and they either refuse to work on it or have tried and failed, then....

I wish you the best and I hope that you both have a happy life no matter the choices but remember only you can control your happiness. I recommend at least a few couples sessions and if she refuses then go by yourself.

a reply to: satellite1

Lot's of great advice here and I don't wish to repeat what others have said, I do wish to say that divorce isn't the be all and end all for a child's happy upbringing.

I've seen a lot of couples stay together for the kids over the years and the environment they fostered never did the kid's any favours. I've seen some separated parents that have raised little wonders into the world too, when the latter works I always noticed the difficult conversations and questions between all parties too...

I guess what I'm saying with that is children are not dumb, if you separated your son would be able to learn the how's of a divorce, he may even understand the "what" behind the reasoning but without those conversations and honesty he'll struggle for years as to the why it all happened.

At the end of the day understanding and honesty is paramount to any good relationship, I'm genuinely sorry a disconnect has grew between you all as the relationship grew, the child will remember the negativity as you all grow together, he'll feel the negativity and resentment grow between you too.

I try not to give advice on relationships too much but it does sound a lot like she has a box she defines with herself and time is convincing her many of your traits don't fit into that box...
It also sounds like you have some pretty well-defined boundaries too.

She has a lot more time to think though, she's feedback-looping negative thoughts about you and her friends are supporting it.

Don't break yourself for a relationship but ask yourself if she would. I get the feeling you hardly know each other anymore and that leads to thinking that maybe you never did... Negative feedback-loops.

Y'all fell in love once correct? Ruptures can be repaired but you might have to change your lifestyle. It's pretty clear to me that you have a desire to fix things so I'm thinking maybe it would be wise to plan on having those conversations that'll help you understand what she wants.

a reply to: satellite1

What is she good at?

If she can paint, play an instrument or channel her creativity to offload some of that energy perhaps it wouldn't be directed towards you as a punching bag.

She needs to find a way to feel good again, and perhaps that's when the two of you can meet in the middle.

It seems her mind has no way to blow off steam in a healthy manner and her "friends" are only strengthening this unflinching mindset.

Somewhere inside her is still the girl you fell in love with but quite frankly she's preoccupied with bs at the expense of your marriage.

And at this point it's not even her you are worried about so much, it's your boy.

She picks up on that, too.

Whatever happens, make sure you expressed yourself in a manner that if it comes to an end, you will have put everything on the table in a manner that she could make a decision, whether it's yay or nay.

Sometimes the things left unsaid haunts us for a very long time.

She needs to be reminded why she chose to share a life with you, and if she can see that and still don't meet you halfway, the weight of walking away will be much lighter.

If she agrees on a separation where you can treat each other with respect, especially in front of your son then he will grow through this hardship.

Surely she loves him enough to accept such terms, yes?

I know these things are complicated, but ultimately two adults should act in the best interest of the child.

If you don't have a photo album of the good times, perhaps create one and when you sit down with her, ask her if she still remembers.

I will say a few words too as your story touched me somehow and I feel for you.

First of all I think you are absolutely ok as you are, you have a lot of consideration and respect for your wife and that is a lot, no matter what your opinions are.
She should have the same respect for you but it doesn't seems like it.
I don't care if it's a man or a woman who crosses the line, she should treat you as she expects you to treat her. So maybe at this point you can draw a line and stop it here. Maybe you can get her to agree that you disagree and both leave it at that. A good advice for relationships that I always followed is do more of that which you have in common and avoid that which separate you. She can talk ideology with her friends how much she wants. But as a couple there should be many things you can do and talk together beside politics, woke-ism or other things that you disagree about. Find those things you both love, attract her to a more positive way of life. The family should always come before friends, politics or ideology. Maybe she forgot that.
But you also should not let her keep trying to convert you to her views, and definitely not berating you for yours. Stop walking on eggshells. Make her see that you are not enemies, and you both should value your relationship enough to not let some outside ideology ruin it.

I'm a bit worried about her female friends thou. Nothing can ruin a relationship as thoroughly as "close" friends, and a bunch of leftist females is a nest of angry snakes. That, the cellphone and a lot of time to kill doesn't sound healthy at all to me.
Sometimes in a long relationship people change, and they change at different paces so a gap is formed between the two. You either work together to understand and bridge that gap or you will further drift apart naturally. If you can make her see that maybe she will work with you on this, or she will decide that she want to try some greener pastures. But either way she must stop pressuring you with her views.

Hope you find a way to make it work. And if not don't feel guilty. At least you tried. And you will know you deserve better.

EDIT: I see the poster above gave you the some advice more or less Good luck to you!

a reply to: satellite1

A difficult situation

I truly wish you a satisfactory resolution

Best

originally posted by: TDDAgain
a reply to: M5xaz

If it's EXCLUSIVELY a woman's decision to keep the baby or not, FINE.

Then, it is EXCLUSIVELY MEN'S DECISION whether to financially support that baby or not.

Can't have it both ways.
Men are human beings, just like women
We are not mere disposable wallets.

I agree with this to a point but life is not as simple as that. What about a mother left pregnant when it's too late and both agreed before but then the father bailed with a five year younger? Letting the pregnant woman sit there alone.

What about these acts of men? See? It isn't that easy.

I agree.

This is why the father must have some say.
Sure, the father must be made partly financially responsible, but it's can't be a one way relationship
Men are not women's dogs !
Men will take financial responsibility on the condition that the baby is NOT exclusively the woman's decision

You can't force Men to pay but have no say on kids
A baby is a partnership or it isn't
If men are excluded from the decision process, then fine, woman are "all empowered", but then you are financially on your own, Cupcake,


YOU CANNOT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS
CHOOSE !

a reply to: M5xaz
You don't need to scream at me lol.

Yes men should be included into the decision but ultimately it's her decision. There's only so much your opinion weights in that situation. She will be pregnant, give birth and everything that comes after that. Don't get me wrong, I understand you. And I can imagine the excited feeling about becoming a father! It can not be much different from the feeling of knowing becoming a mother. This is one of the things the becoming mother should take into consideration but it will never be a heavy weight on the scale that determines if she aborts or not.

You can not fathom the changes the body goes through during and after pregnancy as a man, and I am not saying that because of beauty aspects.

Personally, I only support abortion when there are medical reasons but it's not my right to interfere with other's decision. I think self responsibility should go so far to consider like: "You can have sex, you had sex, you knew possible consequences, deal with it like a responsible adult, just like your own parents did".

My opinion that nobody will change with all the words on Earth. Before that I was against abortion. Then I faced medical issues during birth and reevaluated my viewpoint because I did not have medical reasons in mind. I could not abort my child back out of emotional reasons back then, but I took the consequences and raise it alone, mainly.

I get zero financial support, the guy is always just poor enough. And I am too proud to go to the state and ask for support, as long as I can provide everything to my daughter, this will not happen.

And the emotional connection being pregnant is something that some men just like to forget about.

originally posted by: TDDAgain
a reply to: M5xaz
You don't need to scream at me lol.

Yes men should be included into the decision but ultimately it's her decision. There's only so much your opinion weights in that situation. She will be pregnant, give birth and everything that comes after that. Don't get me wrong, I understand you. And I can imagine the excited feeling about becoming a father! It can not be much different from the feeling of knowing becoming a mother. This is one of the things the becoming mother should take into consideration but it will never be a heavy weight on the scale that determines if she aborts or not.

You can not fathom the changes the body goes through during and after pregnancy as a man, and I am not saying that because of beauty aspects.

Personally, I only support abortion when there are medical reasons but it's not my right to interfere with other's decision. I think self responsibility should go so far to consider like: "You can have sex, you had sex, you knew possible consequences, deal with it like a responsible adult, just like your own parents did".

My opinion that nobody will change with all the words on Earth. Before that I was against abortion. Then I faced medical issues during birth and reevaluated my viewpoint because I did not have medical reasons in mind. I could not abort my child back out of emotional reasons back then, but I took the consequences and raise it alone, mainly.

I get zero financial support, the guy is always just poor enough. And I am too proud to go to the state and ask for support, as long as I can provide everything to my daughter, this will not happen.

And the emotional connection being pregnant is something that some men just like to forget about.

Emotional connection of the vast majority of fathers to their child is something that some women just like to forget about.

I feel sorry for you but one asshole father is not representative of the majority of men.

Children are used as weapons by too many women and the "justice" system treats men as mere wallets.

Men have feelings too
Equality or nothing

ENOUGH!

a reply to: M5xaz
I wrote in another post that I understand the father's emotional connection. No doubt about it. And no, one asshole father is not representative, I don't think that and was not saying that at all.

Children are used as weapons by too many women and the "justice" system treats men as mere wallets.

This is true here too, that is, if the men do not know the tricks. I did not go to court. I told the soon father I don't want his money but abortion is not an option for me. I think that wish to not kill a life should be respected too. He said however he will support the child, so I take him by his word. But he can't currently ("too poor").

Two precautions both failed, without going deeper into detail.

a reply to: satellite1

Some people change,
Some people stop living a lie.

It appears you and your wife are very very different and have completely opposite ideologies.
Either you can live with them or you can’t.

a reply to: satellite1


I'm speaking from experience. At least the communication channels are open between you and your SO.
When and if they break down, It's time to call in the professionals or make those very uncomfortable decisions, like who gets the dog!

And on a positive note. You can still be friends and lovers with you ex'es. Some people just aren't meant to live together!

Your wife is not stupid, she knows herself, you are forcing her to be attracted to qualities of a man she isn't attracted to. You are the idiot. Good luck!

a reply to: darkbake
No he isn't the idiot, none of both are idiots.

You are replying to a man that seeks out help, didn't get it and then turned to the next place he could find some reflective words. He clearly is watching out for his wife and reflecting a lot. He is trying to save what is left and collecting advice how to do so. There are two children attached to this family.

Also you didn't read the OP or the rest of the posts obviously, he's not forcing her at all, he is going by what once was her likings. Now she seems to be influenced by her politicized friends and the marriage seems to be topic. Knowing this certain type of woman very well, I can attest you that "snake pit" is not even getting close to what type of venom can brew up in such circles. Especially when the OP is now constantly polled for his political affiliation by the wife.

Something that comes from that friend circle. They offered her money to leave him and he's the idiot? I don't think so.

a reply to: TDDAgain

Yea, but sometimes a simple conversation can fix anything. It’s not just women, but people that can get stuck in a cruel or wrong mindset.

We just get fixated on a train of thought sometimes and that’s all we have to go off of unless someone presents their problem and or position. We can at our best be perceptive, but never mind readers. Tricky part is bringing something up without making some defensive. You have to do it in a way where you come from a place of understanding, that before your first conversation it’s possible there was no way for the other person to know. So this is the opportunity to kindly let them into your place of thinking.

It’s nice when you’re close enough to someone that no matter the subject you have no fear of doing that. It’s comfort, confidence and vulnerability all in one.

a reply to: satellite1

Sounds like you’re receptive. That’s incredibly important. Reciprocation is key for that to serve it’s purpose though and I understand that.

If it’s worth it, I’d say show you adore her and make it clear the most important thing to you is understanding her. The fact you acknowledged you aren’t even trying to change her mind on things is evidence you can do that. It’s honestly self awareness to a degree too, because you know your kind won’t be changed on some things either. That’s a simple truth many of us know, so an objective should be one or seeking of understanding if we’re being pragmatic.