married to a narcissist?

a reply to: Fools

Thanks good advice. She doesnt do all the chores I help at least 50/50.

She reckoned that she wanted to have a family now that the kids have grown up all she sees her purpose as her career and yet she cant wait to have grand kids so she can "spoil them" Her mother used to dump her when she was sick with rellies or when she found her bothersome to her social life soon after her birth. She grew up on the streets because of her mother abandoning her emotionally

Hope it all works out. Having said that, there's a lot to be said for being single, brudda.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Thanks - she was put on psyciactric cocktails and swore she wouldnt use them again and I agreed they did more harm than good. She can put herself in a fugue state in an instant and then snap out of it when when I stop paying attention.

a reply to: Boadicea

I never asked you to judge her just what my words said. I think I 'm married to a narcissist. After all these years shes still chasing that elusive fix until the next crash she has. But I probably wont be around then to pick up those pieces.

You can contempt me all you like - this is an anonymous board. Like I said shes starting a paper trail with her counsellor, just in case the outcome isnt what she hopes for. Even last week she said she loved me. Then the "hangry sex" now I feel used.

a reply to: StreetGlide

thanks
Im seeing that now I have to think of myself

a reply to: BrianDavis

Remember what I said. I left, filed for divorce .

She has to realize that you're not going to put up with her # to realize there's a problem.

Jaden

originally posted by: BrianDavis
a reply to: IAMTAT

And thats whats killing me- Like the narcissist is waiting for me to fail.

I'm that close to going out to get laid to get it out of my system. She has the thrill and excisement and dramas at work. I've been taken on a roller coaster these last few years through the suicide attempts because i cared and loved too deeply.

Now that she has a job she reckons shes magically cured which makes me suspect that she was never really suicidal, but it wasnt an option I could take at the time - i could not abandon her.

If I do get laid then she'll say see I knew you had it in you - why did you break our vows? " I was only being a bitch"

Cheating on her won't help you feel better about yourself...only worse.
If you think you detect the scent of burning martyr now...wait 'til she finds out and assumes the moral high ground.

Overall...this probably isn't REALLY about sex...but respect.
Based on what you've shared...she doesn't respect you and you don't respect yourself.

Ask yourself...WHAT can you do that might EARN your own respect?
HER respect may...or may not follow.

Regardless, I hope things improve for you.

a reply to: Boadicea

Again you cannot see past how females biologically are different than males.

Please spare, me I dont hang out with men doing alcohol talk about women and gambling or other vices. Are you sure you dont suffer from just a slight case of misandry.

But you are right in one aspect I was self projecting - that I could find reciprocal loyalty or investment on her behalf that I need her help. Like an ex alcoholic we learn to seek help other than the quick fix - highs and lows of drug addiction. in this case

(Instead of your drug of choice, in this form of addiction we are dealing with powerful neuro-chemicals your own body produces, such as oxytocin, norepinephrine, dopamine and cortisol

a reply to: JAGStorm

Thanks I will go to counselling - I'm just scared she'll get deathly ill by not eating or working too hard.

a reply to: TheGreazel

IThanks
I cry sometimes when I see someone hurt or wronged, she says I'm too soft and "get over it". She was bought up to never show she was vurlnearvble as that was considered a sign of weakness or giving your opponent the upper hand. Talking on ATS dies help a bit

a reply to: eXia7

ETA: Pretty much all women are narcissists, blame weak and pathetic men for putting women on a pedestal all these centuries.

Thats what Im trying to get my head around - they want you to be strong and weak at the same time. When you wont dominate them they bait you because they really want the bad boy in their life because they really want to be bad themselves. Or so the narcissist manual state

a reply to: The GUT

Yeah I guess about being single. She always jokingly says that if we were to split she would go lesbian and yet She probably would find another victim

a reply to: Masterjaden

thanks

a reply to: IAMTAT
youre right about the quick lay not helping my self respect

Ask yourself...WHAT can you do that might EARN your own respect? HER respect may...or may not follow.

Everytime I start thinking of myself she says I dont care about her. But I see I'll probably seek counselling and start getting healthy again.

Yeah I can see that she would take the moral high ground

originally posted by: BrianDavis
a reply to: JAGStorm

Thanks I will go to counselling - I'm just scared she'll get deathly ill by not eating or working too hard.

I have a relative that threatened suicide for 40+ years. One day I just got sick of it and told her, do whatever you will, but don't talk to me about it anymore. Guess what, she never mentioned it again and she is still kicking.

You do you. My guess is that she doesn't want you to get help because you will see more of her bs.

Walk away!

originally posted by: StreetGlide
a reply to: BrianDavis

Just my 2p worth after coming out of a 20 year friendship with the last 10 years Engaged and ended up in a similar situation. (nowhere near as bad however)

I did and still do love the Woman but She became increasingly distant and erratic over an 18 to 24 month period.

Found her passed out drunk on the sofa one saturday afternoon and when she woke she freaked and thew me out, no cash, nowhere to go and worse still no clothes.

I fought it, stupidly thinking it would pass like the previous times. (Get the idea)

We tried talking, walking, date night, romantic meals and the like.

She then wanted to be "Boyfriend and Girlfriend" but live apart. (at our ages???? ffs)

Shes been heavily on the drink ending up in what states and places I have no idea.

As much as it pains me and may people who have known us for nearly 20 years, she had a reputation back then and a leopard cannot change its spots.

Best advice given has been, sort myself out and if I still want to be there for her eventual crash then so be it.

We are all finite and sometimes its best to think of ourselves rather than others .

I don't like the situation, in fact I absolutely HATE it. I've lost my Lover, my Best Friend and what would have been a future Stepdaughter who talked to me about adopting her.

But as Friends have said, there is only so much you can do and you have done way too much already.

I'll annotate a previous post below ...

1. You're only responsible for your own happiness.
Damn straight! She doesn't care so why should you?

2. It's obvious the relationship is over.
As much as it hurts to admit it, it is. I've tried my damnedest but its like talking to a brick wall.

3. One of you needs to step up and be the adult that calls it and moves on.
Yep. Think of yourself. I've been concentrating on the good things I lost rather that the crap that leaves with it.

There's no reason to be unhappy as you've depicted it.
Your situation sounds way worse than mine but the statement still stands.

"There must be 50 ways to leave your lover."
This popped up on the radio earlier this week conicidentally ...

And randomly this played in the Pub last night and raised a wry smile ...

www.youtube.com...

Solidarity Brother !

originally posted by: BrianDavis
a reply to: Fools

Thanks good advice. She doesnt do all the chores I help at least 50/50.

She reckoned that she wanted to have a family now that the kids have grown up all she sees her purpose as her career and yet she cant wait to have grand kids so she can "spoil them" Her mother used to dump her when she was sick with rellies or when she found her bothersome to her social life soon after her birth. She grew up on the streets because of her mother abandoning her emotionally

It sounds as if you really need to tell her that you are disappointed with her behavior and let her know that it is going to lead to separation if that is what she really wants. Definitely take some time and write down what you find positive about her and her behavior and what you find negative. Then take some time to discuss it and have her do the same on how she thinks about you. It is possible that you have just had a total breakdown in communication and she feels lonely and is filling a void in other places. That is a bad thing because it can lead to cheating. And cheating can definitely lead to separation or divorce. This will never (even if your kids are grown up) have a positive effect on your family and may even destroy it or isolate one or all of your children from their family.

a reply to: BrianDavis
A marriage is a two way street, give and take. But sometimes one or the other takes too much.
From your writing your wife aint a narcissist, she's an abuser and you are her victim. Narcissism doesn't even approach what she is doing to you, ON PURPOSE.
She wont or don't want to change and you are not gonna change her. According to your replies you are playing the supreme VICTIM. Don't moan and whine that you cannot do anything about it, DO IT, take YOUR LIFE back in your hands and GTFO.

As written, any therapist (hmmm) would say you have narcissistic tendencies. You mostly stated how her behavior has affected you. How hurt, upset, disappointed, frustrated, angry, sad.... It's impossible to walk in another's shoes, but you might try for a day. Try to see through her eyes. If that fails to help you understand her, feel what she is living, then your relationship is truly broken.

Honestly, you know your truth. You know it's over. You know you need to divorce. What are you afraid of? Being lonely? Would you rather be abused like this for the rest of your life? You hold the answers.