married to a narcissist?

I think my whole world is caving in. I’m devastated. Even my children say I’m losing weight.

think looking back over the last 20 years I am married to a narcissist

About a month ago she started joking she wants a lover and that I should be fine with that” she then claimed it was a joke,
Our son put that thought ion her head and yet we put up with his tantrums for the last 3 years cleaning up after him
She says I don’t let her breathe because I want a clean kitchen and yet both their bedrooms are spotless. She never let me have amps or surround sound on as she said bass was too anxiety causing even though it was on low. And yet she watches a movie and on facebook all the time
Every time we sit down to watch a movie she asks me what’s it about and will only give it 5 minutes before she’s on the phone or we have to switch movies or off to bed. So I give her comedies romantic comedies and even thats ( because she wants to laugh ) not good enough.
Waiting on counsellers to get back to us they’re flat out in this crazy world. Am I wasting time on counsellers?
I helped her through her depression and her numerous suicide attempts although she never really went anywhere serious with wrist slitting just running away taking alcohol and refusing to eat.
She wanted a 6 figure job “because thats whats “shes worth”. I told her maybe she should take a lower paying job just till we stabilize for now.
She got a new job at 5 figures and has being staying out with new friends also claims she needs more people in her life. Younger people make her “feel alive”. That “young energy”
“Jokingly” she said she wants a lover. But I think she meant it to get a reaction or semi-serious. I said you’re serious aren’t you?
She has always believed in fidelity and marriage but she been edging me on for a reaction. Probably to justify infidelity or getting me to be angry and lose control.
Comes home and talks to her work people in “our time” on the phone; even though her boss was happy with a text she insisted on ringing her to discuss it further.
Now she’s starting a paper trail that I’ve been yelling at her. She said she was going to give me a list of the events and new friends she wanted to make over the next 7 weeks and catch up with old friends before xmas just so I know whats up. I’m still waiting for that list of people or events. Lol
Has time to bake cake for son for his new job when he could have just bought one
Burnt the cake 2 times because she walked away and tried to do other things at once. I rescued the 3rd attempt, I didn’t see the son offer to replenish the cake mix the next day, or no time for her to bake me a cake so I dont have to spend money at work for a snack.
Hasn’t increased son’s board since he started new job 3 weeks ago “because he’s moving out soon”
We have to take his washing to his bedroom because he’s always “busy”.
Just like when we had an ironing lady he never paid us extra for his shirts to be ironed
They both claim I’m always thinking about money
And yet they like the finer things in life like, he’ll spend $100 on a scotch tasting night but
She hasn’t asked him for reimbursement of a $500 expense because “he is too busy”. I was left looking stupid at the supermarket when ou card was declined.



medium.com...@SoulGPS/how-narcissists-use-sex-to-exploit-control-you-9b26be74069f


medium.com...@cherilynclough/narcissism-the-game-you-can-never-win-76299ebed2


(To the covert narcissist their image is more important than who they really are)
(They know their public behaviors are different than their private, if they didn’t know it was wrong they would be like that all the time. Why doesn’t she swear in public or snap at the dog or me in public? ) (they know what they’re doing and they don’t want to change)
From link:
(Narcissists use sex as a bonding tool to hook you on their energy. Sex can be an excellent instrument for inducing trance states, which is how they seize control of your attention.
Naturally, during deep sharing all of your attention is on your partner. Using a method called bait-and-switch, they amplify intensity and then quickly withdraw. It gives them a way to test how deeply invested you are in them.
If you are hooked, the emptiness that ensues as a result of their sudden retreat will make you crave more. This gives them a huge bargaining power over you. Now they are free to start making demands and dropping suggestions. If you don’t comply, you’ll be starved of their sweet poison.
Many victims of severe mistreatment who stay in abusive relationships admit that the reason is because the sex was so good)

(Instead of your drug of choice, in this form of addiction we are dealing with powerful neuro-chemicals your own body produces, such as oxytocin, norepinephrine, dopamine and cortisol.
This makes it much harder to wean yourself off, as the chemicals are generated by your thoughts and emotional states. It can take 18 to 22 months after ending the relationship for the chemicals to return to balanced levels.)

Says money is tight so I didn’t fly across for sons graduation and yet there was money for her flight.
I asked her why don’t we go away for a holiday even for a couple of days “she says we have to see a counselor first”
For 20 odd years the sex has been on and off. For the last 3 years it was her menopause or depression or dryness or when we’re overseas the sex is usually great,
She says she wants romance and yet spontaneity
And yet by the time we go out and have dinner she is already exhausted because she always skips breakfast or overindulges.
I try to wine and dine her as she says she likes romance and yet that does not guarantee sex as she overindulges and then gets sick or tired and sleepy. So its 8pm in bed on a Saturday night.
When we try to “plan” sex she says it’s too mechanical as I occasionally take some Viagra. Well these chemicals take time to work. It doesn’t help when she says “call me when you’re ready”.
I ask her to buy some sexy lingerie and she sees it as a waste of money.
And yet she wears power clothes with loose buttons and push up bras and says she doesn’t realize she has this effect on men. Even one of her male colleagues told her to be careful as the way men look at her.
Lately she’s been self-stimulating and then says “too late she couldn’t wait” She doesn’t feel like it when I want it but will do it to shut me up. She never tells me “how about it”.
Oh she did want it a quicky “hangry sex” when she has a stressful day at work.
We had good sex and then it went bad again, she’s listening to these people who say you can stay married and have extra marital affairs by just compartmentalizing
Says it is important she bonds with people at work and I went along with her even on a Sunday night
Then when I want friends over for dinner she starts to laugh over silly things and mocks and forgets when I described them being vegetarian etc.
She remembers everything about work, but snip about our life, like the budget or savings goals.
When we go for drives she doesn’t talk saying she talks too much at work and just wants to chill.
She’s repeating the same pattern as her last job seeking the accolades and promotion and when knocked back quit to become self-employed. Now she comes home exhausted and she won’t even do the family books or crap around home and we have to look after her dog for her. She won’t even toilet exercise him, we’ve lost count of the turds and piss we’ve picked up

a reply to: BrianDavis

Sorry having problems formatting - wont allow me to edit into better paragraphs

I think my whole world is caving in. I’m devastated. Even my children say I’m losing weight.

think looking back over the last 20 years I am married to a narcissist

About a month ago she started joking she wants a lover and that I should be fine with that” she then claimed it was a joke,

Our son put that thought in her head ( that I'm a narcissist ) and yet we put up with his tantrums for the last 3 years cleaning up after him

She says I don’t let her breathe because I want a clean kitchen and yet both their bedrooms are spotless. She never let me have amps or surround sound on as she said bass was too anxiety causing even though it was on low. And yet she watches a movie and on facebook all the time

Every time we sit down to watch a movie she asks me what’s it about and will only give it 5 minutes before she’s on the phone or we have to switch movies or off to bed. So I give her comedies romantic comedies and even thats ( because she wants to laugh ) not good enough.

Waiting on counsellers to get back to us they’re flat out in this crazy world. Am I wasting time on counsellers?


I helped her through her depression and her numerous suicide attempts although she never really went anywhere serious with wrist slitting just running away taking alcohol and refusing to eat.


She wanted a 6 figure job “because thats whats “shes worth”. I told her maybe she should take a lower paying job just till we stabilize for now.

She got a new job at 5 figures and has being staying out with new friends also claims she needs more people in her life

Younger people make her “feel alive”. That “young energy”

“Jokingly” she said she wants a lover. But I think she meant it to get a reaction or semi-serious. I said you’re serious aren’t you?

She has always believed in fidelity and marriage but she been edging me on for a reaction. Probably to justify infidelity or getting me to be angry and lose control.
Comes home and talks to her work people in “our time” on the phone; even though her boss was happy with a text she insisted on ringing her to discuss it further.

Now she’s starting a paper trail that I’ve been yelling at her. She said she was going to give me a list of the events and new friends she wanted to make over the next 7 weeks and catch up with old friends before xmas just so I know whats up. I’m still waiting for that list of people or events. Lol

Has time to bake cake for son for his new job when he could have just bought one

Burnt the cake 2 times because she walked away and tried to do other things at once. I rescued the 3rd attempt, I didn’t see the son offer to replenish the cake mix the next day, or no time for her to bake me a cake so I dont have to spend money at work for a snack.
Hasn’t increased son’s board since he started new job 3 weeks ago “because he’s moving out soon”

We have to take his washing to his bedroom because he’s always “busy”.
Just like when we had an ironing lady he never paid us extra for his shirts to be ironed

They both claim I’m always thinking about money
And yet they like the finer things in life like, he’ll spend $100 on a scotch tasting night but
She hasn’t asked him for reimbursement of a $500 expense because “he is too busy”. I was left looking stupid at the supermarket when our card was declined.


medium.com...@SoulGPS/how-narcissists-use-sex-to-exploit-control-you-9b26be74069f

medium.com...@cherilynclough/narcissism-the-game-you-can-never-win-76299ebed2

(To the covert narcissist their image is more important than who they really are)
(They know their public behaviors are different than their private, if they didn’t know it was wrong they would be like that all the time. Why doesn’t she swear in public or snap at the dog or me in public? ) (they know what they’re doing and they don’t want to change)


From link:

(Narcissists use sex as a bonding tool to hook you on their energy. Sex can be an excellent instrument for inducing trance states, which is how they seize control of your attention. Naturally, during deep sharing all of your attention is on your partner. Using a method called bait-and-switch, they amplify intensity and then quickly withdraw. It gives them a way to test how deeply invested you are in them. If you are hooked, the emptiness that ensues as a result of their sudden retreat will make you crave more. This gives them a huge bargaining power over you. Now they are free to start making demands and dropping suggestions. If you don’t comply, you’ll be starved of their sweet poison. Many victims of severe mistreatment who stay in abusive relationships admit that the reason is because the sex was so good)

(Instead of your drug of choice, in this form of addiction we are dealing with powerful neuro-chemicals your own body produces, such as oxytocin, norepinephrine, dopamine and cortisol. This makes it much harder to wean yourself off, as the chemicals are generated by your thoughts and emotional states. It can take 18 to 22 months after ending the relationship for the chemicals to return to balanced levels.)

Says money is tight so I didn’t fly across for sons graduation and yet there was money for her flight.
I asked her why don’t we go away for a holiday even for a couple of days “she says we have to see a counselor first”

For 20 odd years the sex has been on and off. For the last 3 years it was her menopause or depression or dryness or when we’re overseas the sex is usually great,

She says she wants romance and yet spontaneity

And yet by the time we go out and have dinner she is already exhausted because she always skips breakfast or overindulges.

I try to wine and dine her as she says she likes romance and yet that does not guarantee sex as she overindulges and then gets sick or tired and sleepy. So its 8pm in bed on a Saturday night.

When we try to “plan” sex she says it’s too mechanical as I occasionally take some Viagra. Well these chemicals take time to work. It doesn’t help when she says “call me when you’re ready”.

I ask her to buy some sexy lingerie and she sees it as a waste of money.

And yet she wears power clothes with loose buttons and push up bras and says she doesn’t realize she has this effect on men. Even one of her male colleagues told her to be careful as the way men look at her.

Lately she’s been self-stimulating and then says “too late she couldn’t wait” She doesn’t feel like it when I want it but will do it to shut me up. She never tells me “how about it”.

Oh she did want it a quicky “hangry sex” when she has a stressful day at work.
We had good sex and then it went bad again, she’s listening to these people who say you can stay married and have extra marital affairs by just compartmentalizing
Says it is important she bonds with people at work and I went along with her even on a Sunday night

Then when I want friends over for dinner she starts to laugh over silly things and mocks and forgets when I described them being vegetarian etc.
She remembers everything about work, but snip about our life, like the budget or savings goals.


When we go for drives she doesn’t talk saying she talks too much at work and just wants to chill.
She’s repeating the same pattern as her last job seeking the accolades and promotion and when knocked back quit to become self-employed. Now she comes home exhausted and she won

This posting business seems to be all haywire.... not printing what I type ?? twicwe previously. wth

a reply to: BrianDavis

My advice is you both need to start going to church. I was in a similar situation, I left filed for divorce. When she realized things were no longer going to be easy for her, she started going to church and finally her attitude changed...

Things have now been going strong for three years.

Jaden

Devastated? I wonder how your wife would feel about you airing her dirty laundry on a public discussion forum... Would "devastated" cover it ya think???

Here's a thought... just show your wife this OP and I'll betcha she leaves your sorry whining ass. And rightly so. She deserves better than a husband trash talking her on a public discussion forum for the whole world to see. If you've got problems, work them out. If you can't work them out, get a divorce.

Problem solved.

a reply to: BrianDavis

PART 2 sorry trying to fix editing


She won’t even toilet exercise him, we’ve lost count of the turds and piss we’ve picked uup inside the house.


Now she’s saying we can stay friends because we have “history” staying under the same roof. Not love, “history”
Till house values pick up and we can sell.
I said I don t want to be hanging around for xmas for visitors only to be let down like father’s day.
We bend over backwards for others and we get kicked in the teeth. When we entertain she normally sits and yaps while I clean up
Am I the cukc?
She said she wanted to work overseas and live there, when I said lets retire their she backed off saying she wants to continue working because work is everything to her. She can’t find a sense of purpose outside work?

Run Forrest….run......

a reply to: Masterjaden

Church will not help - god helped me in the past with an alcohol problem but I still had to take the 1st step.


She doent see as there being anything wrong with her. Did you even absorb what I wrote

Would it be out of line for me to suggest you come off as a bit of a narcissist yourself? (I think we all do sometimes.) But this whole thing is about how she's doing everything wrong meanwhile you are the perfect hero who saves the cake from being burnt and deserves to be satisfied in every area of your life 100% of the time.

20 years is a hell of a long time to play stupid. I can't imagine she is only recently a brat who can't adult.

Dude, that is all so chaotic. You need to be a man and demand that your lives be more calm. Stop and smell the roses and be thankful for what you have kind of things.

I also think you never attempted to "wear the pants" as people say and that you had bought into alot of current feminist garbage. When she jokes about getting a lover, you should not joke back. You should get angry and tell her what will happen if she ever does that.

a reply to: Boadicea

? her dirty laundry just about covers it. She pretends she has no washing or laundry. 2 days out on the line because shes busy. When I try to bring it in she snaps at me because she says she now has to action it.

Did you even read about her attempted suicide attempts and yet never getting any counselling?

a reply to: Boadicea

Bod, that was a little harsh?

Sometimes people don't have someone to talk to in real life.

OP. Having had a friend that was married to a narcissist, that cheated, I would try the counseling. If she doesn't go, then it may be time to walk away. You both seemed to need to learn to communicate better, her especially.
20 years is a long time. You both need to at least try to save it.

The joking about a lover concerns me though. She's been doing some thinking.

a reply to: BrianDavis

I have 12 years of married experience, sounds to me you have hit the "wall" some get past it.. thou it will never be the same again, some will not make it.

But in your case I can only see one right choice.. and that is to dump her ass, Because of the DOG, yes you heard me.. the dog, people that mistreat animals are broken people, and nothing fun to be around, be is dog OR human.

a reply to: DeadCat

Well that got me thinking about narcissist in the 1st place.
I always tried to help her and please her. But its never enough. Just before she got her job she was despondent. When money and things are going ok she says I'm special to her and what would she do without me. When I give her time and space she never does her end like balancing the books or getting enough sleep or seeking ways to change and helping me with

She adults when shes around with me and yet she has gotten in situations that she claims are not flirtatious or that she doesnt see that she has this effect on men.

I have been wrong in the past and Ive put a lot of my life on hold because we've been helping her get that dream job and doing more so she can chase that elusive power fix

OP...I suggest you start doing some things for yourself...that YOU want to do.
Working out and getting into top shape does wonders for your own outlook and self-esteem.

Making another person happy is a good thing...to an extent...but a true narcissist will never be happy with your efforts.
Consider putting your own happiness first once in a while.

a reply to: Fools

I know its chaotic, I dont know how to be a man because I used to drink and be angry. Now she drinks because she says she needs to unwind and yet she knows the dangers of drinking for the wrong reasons.

Her mother makes demands of her and when shes so busy she reckons she hasnt the time and yet still runs to help her and forgives her controlling beghaviour she says her mother drove her father to death.

She uses sex as a weapon like I said about the romance.

I have asked her not to bring work home because really it isnt expected she bring work by home her employer. But shes always chasing and trying to overachieve and exhausts herself and theres never time for us.

Whenever I tried to wear the pants she saw that as being not so "new agey" but like an old fashioned "husband" that wants everything. Like she'll let the house be dirty and then she'll sweep mop do 3 loads of wash and be completely exhausetd.
Or shell spend all day in the garden but forget to rest or eat or the rest of the chores

a reply to: BrianDavis

Honestly, I would ignore that comment Boa said, it was just downright rude and uncalled for. There are much better ways they could have said that.

Secondly, I would recommend listen to Spacespider and IAMTAT.

IAMTAT's right, you really should focus on just yourself for awhile. Do something that you enjoy, get into shape, whatever it takes to make you happy. One of two things will happen because of that. She'll either notice you doing your own thing, maybe see a change in your personality, possible self-esteem boost, become curious and start focusing on your relationship again. Or she could become more agitated, see that as the sign she believed she needed to leave, and just flat out get out of your hair. Either way I see it as a win for you.

Now Spacespider has a very good point as well. You can really tell a lot about a person by how they treat the animals around them. From what you described I can honestly say that I don't like her. Dog's are amazing creatures, loyal to a fault, and they deserve someone to treat them right. If she isn't even willing to take care of the dog, then maybe you should just leave.........and take that doggo with you.

a reply to: chiefsmom

yeah about the lover - thats what concerns me. She reckons because she was a virgin I got the "best end of the deal" I stupidly said she can get a gigolo to get it out of her system. She said she doenst wont a gigolo because it would be an act on the gigolos part

a reply to: BrianDavis

...Did you even read about...

I read all about a man creating an OP to trash talk his wife on a public discussion forum for the whole world to see. I see a man belittling, mocking and ridiculing his wife for his own vain glory... while playing victim. I see a man gossiping about the most intimate and private marital issues at his wife's expense. I see a man violating every manner of trust and loyalty to the woman he swore vows to love, honor and cherish.

And I very much doubt this is the first or only time you have done so.

No sympathy here. Just pity. And contempt.

I am only going by your OP, but if she's a narcissist, you're a 20 year enabler.

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Albert Einstein