Can you really move on when you loved more than they did?

originally posted by: Damla
a reply to: schuyler

Just to have the most loyal dog, you think it is fine to act like a monkey?

You misunderstand and misrepresent what I said. First, who said anything about monkeys? Second, where did I say I wanted the most loyal dog ever or that I personally would treat a dog that way? I said no such thing, so how about responding to the actual issue--if you even understand it.

Pavlov does not agree with your statement, sir

Pavlov treated his dogs miserably, He cut holes in their cheeks so he could squirt meat powder into their mouths to induce salivation. His experiments would be considered highly unethical today. So I'm not particularly interested in what Pavlov thinks. But he engaged in simple operant conditioning, which is not considered rocket science. He also used electric shocks on his animals.

I can't believe I have to explain this to you guys. The OP is being jacked around. He's confused because he "wants to believe" despite her inconsistent behavior. Now he has come to an online forum to seek solace and advice. OK, here it is: Drop her first. Pay no more attention to her. Forget her. Move on. She is USING YOU. Learn to recognize the signs so it doesn't happen to you again.

a reply to: OneCrazyCanuck

i think it's important to look inward and understand how you think and what in your life led you to play along with this even after a lot of signs that it wasn't a good idea. when you are able to realize that, you will see it from the perspective of being about who you are and not about that person who didn't treat you well, and you'll be able to feel confident that you aren't going to get sucked into that kind of situation again.

if that makes sense.

a reply to: schuyler

i dont misunderstand. neither do you

you can join a peace rally or you can join an anti war rally.

first of all, it seems to you like she is an element defining your life.

I used to give an advice to one of my exes. Pretend that you like your day when you are feeling depressed.

At this point it doesnt matter if you are right about how badly or unjustly she treated you because you wont listen to it.

the reason it happened to you, is the same reason you cant get over it. she is totall right at some point in what she did. Gather enough reasons where she was right until you find that perfectly peaceful right reason.

Thanks for the advice y'all. Yeah was it was not my smartest move ever letting her creep into my life over and over but you get stupid In love sometimes. You all have been great I would respond more personally but I had phone in rice due to a water dunk

a reply to: OneCrazyCanuck

It's very simple really.

You are the problem. She's a hot mess.

Look inside yourself and move on with your life.

a reply to: OneCrazyCanuck

In answer to your title question, yes.

It is possible to move on, but only if you are prepared to work hard to remind yourself that you were not the problem in that scenario, they were, and that they made a massive error in judgement when they vanished from your life. If you even allow yourself to entertain for a moment the idea that you could have done better, been better, or been more like what they wanted, then you are already losing and need to stop that pronto.

It is not, however, an easy thing to do. Its just possible, which means getting it done, moving on, requires effort, work and time, just like anything worth doing.

no.you cant move on. it is called karma.

you ll live the same thing over and over again.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
It is possible to move on, but only if you are prepared to work hard to remind yourself that you were not the problem in that scenario, they were, and that they made a massive error in judgement when they vanished from your life. If you even allow yourself to entertain for a moment the idea that you could have done better, been better, or been more like what they wanted, then you are already losing and need to stop that pronto.

It is not, however, an easy thing to do. Its just possible, which means getting it done, moving on, requires effort, work and time, just like anything worth doing.

It hardly makes sense to completely absolve yourself of all responsibility, unless of course you choose to put no thoughts into your own actions. You should at the very least take a long look in the mirror and wonder what it was you saw in them, why you pursued a relationship with them and if it went that far, why you stayed when it was obviously so wrong. Similarly, dependent on circumstances, you might need to ask were you giving too much, too little, was there any balance. You have to learn to take responsibility for whatever part, however passive you may think that to be, especially even if you're inclined towards passivity, you played in any relationship if you are to move beyond it. Or you can assume that you are perfect as you are and everyone else is wrong, and remain impassive to your ability to make more informed choices. It's not about changing the who that you like to be, it's just about appreciating that not everyone can appreciate that who and choosing people who do. If you can't change, why expect someone else to?

a reply to: OneCrazyCanuck
I can only answer for myself but if I'm ever broken hearted I just sleep with someone else a few times and I get over it.
I have lots of female friends who like no strings intimacy though so it works for me, go round with a bottle of wine, watch a chick flick then no strings sex. Best medicine for me if I'm getting over someone.

a reply to: CornishCeltGuy

this was funny

a reply to: KilgoreTrout

I am not suggesting that a person be faultless, what I am suggesting however, is that assuming one has done right by a person, gone above and beyond to accommodate their choices and shown themselves to be in for the long haul, been supportive, been in fact, a partner to the absent party, that this is all that one can do.

Its not absolution from responsibility, if one has already taken care of ones responsibilities and proven that they have the will to be there and keep doing it. Its simply a lack of responsibility for the way things shake out, and Lord knows I have been there myself enough times to know.

i just realized i cant star myself

a reply to: Damla

If it took you this long to work that out, you do not deserve any stars.

a reply to: TrueBrit

hahhahaha.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
...and Lord knows I have been there myself enough times to know.

You do realise that you proved my point there while totally failing to get it.



It's not about fault or assigning blame, it's about coming to terms with your decision-making skills with regard to who you allow into your intimate circle, or indeed become intimate with. These are all choices that you have made, these are all choices that you are able to reflect upon and understand why you made those choices. Something about those choices seemed attractive to you but the reality failed to live up to expectation? What were you expecting?

I have no idea on how you base your decisions only you can assess why it is you keep ending up being in that place "enough times to know", but surely you can see that there might be a pattern if you've been there so much.

a reply to: KilgoreTrout

Yes and no.

Its ones responsibility to be as careful as one can be, without cutting oneself off from society completely. But the greater responsibility will always lay with those who decide to be total pricks, and mistreat people because they can. A victim of a thing does not have responsibility for it. The doer does. If it were any other way, then the law would treat rape victims as perpetrators...

Mind you, given what is happening in the halls of governance in the US right now, its perfectly possible that this will become the case at some stage in America, but America is not a very good benchmark for any particular moral ideal.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: KilgoreTrout

Yes and no.

Its ones responsibility to be as careful as one can be, without cutting oneself off from society completely. But the greater responsibility will always lay with those who decide to be total pricks, and mistreat people because they can. A victim of a thing does not have responsibility for it.

You're wielding a blunt instrument, I suggest you find a whetstone - and quick.

You are not responsible for other people's behaviour. You cannot take responsibility for other people's behviour, all you can do is take responsibility for your own.

If you have been raped, yes you are a victim of rape but does that also mean you have to give your rapist the power to destroy who you are? What turns a victim into a survivor? I can understand, if you have been raped, feeling victimised because of someone else's action because you were. They chose to take advantage of what they perceived as their power over your body. You had no choice in that act of violence committed against you. That experience, I have no doubt, does change the way in which you perceive and experience reality. And that was something that you had no control over. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person. All the cards were stacked in their favour. Does that mean that they win though? I don't think so, I think that makes them a cheat and therefore a loser. Why are you going to let a cheat and loser define who you are?

Relationships are somewhat different to rape however, although sadly not mutually exclusive, but still, they provide a very poor analogy for repeating the same mistakes with those you, if you engage the head that sits on the end of your neck, choose to be with.