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originally posted by: sputniksteve
a reply to: dffrntkndfnml
It is refreshing and nostalgic to be discussing the topic again. You guys know me well enough to not be too concerned when I suddenly maniacally start making grandiose claims. In hind sight, sure I would probably word things differently. From my perspective though, it's not about me being right it is about this journey that I am on personally unrelated to TVP, and the journey we are all taking together and individually with TVP. I am well past looking or feeling foolish, coming off as a lunatic, etc. I am way past any point where I can make excuses for the thoughts happening in my mind or play it off as casual mental health disorder. I have 1 speed only, I am on or I am off. It is all or nothing in everything I do in life, and always has been. I am certain I have shaken a few things loose inside the computer that shouldn't have been shaken, but I think there were some wires crossed to begin with that shouldn't have been crossed. I mean I don't suspect I know, its genetic and unavoidable. It all just is what it is in the good and the bad.
I also don't feel like it has been under my control most of the time, and definitely not yesterday. Ideas come through my fingers onto this page but that doesn't mean that they are all due to my hard work or insight, a lot of the hard stuff just seems to come and when I pay attention I can pick out parts that seem to fit. Now I feel like I am talking my way backwards so enough with disclaimers, y'all know the score.
I am going to take the responsible route of seriously contemplating how I move forward from here, because it is deeply personal and affects far more than just myself. It would be putting information on the web that isn't mine to put, and could do irreparable damage to people I love the most which would obviously be counter intuitive to a love story, and my life at least has always tried to be a love story. The good news is I do for the first time have a very specific idea where to look for the book, and it is a flat our right or wrong thing. If it is not there, I am wrong. If it is, we go from there. I will be very clear though that it is just a suspicion, but one built on a solid enough foundation for me to flip my lid after 2 years.
I don't think there is any harm in declaring that the book is no longer in my house, and there was an almost immediate affect from removing it from next to my bed where it has sat for the last 2 years. Even if it is placebo, it's powerful placebo. I did get some rest this morning actually which was pretty surprising. So far this is my homes best day ever, in a long time. We desperately needed the relief I can assure you that.
I also think that if we did an real deal roll call, we would find we are eternally short 1 response. That part I am afraid, is a tragedy.
originally posted by: sputniksteve
My wife likes to say I have a "sweet mouth", which I think is similar to "silver tongued". I certainly have the gift for gab, sometimes not so much a gift. I can talk a good game, really good game, but especially in the past my actions didn't always align which was a serious problem. I am sure that particular deficit of character still rears it's ugly head every once in a while unintentionally but it is something I try to be cognizant of. That doesn't mean that I have stopped "talking sweet" but I make sure my actions align. I try to be more thoughtful of what I say, even if this thread doesn't go very far towards showing that change. I kind of consider this as neutral ground though where I am free to really be myself, and express myself in ways I would not be capable of otherwise.
originally posted by: sputniksteve
I have been thinking a lot of about everything that I am doing or have done revolving around this particular story. It's sometimes hard for me to believe the change I have seen in my own thoughts and behavior in such a short time. Not that they are all positive or that im so awesome, but rather just such an abrupt departure from what and who used to be in such a relatively short period of time. There have been times where I was happy with what currently was, and stated that I didn't need to know all the answers anymore or even ask the questions. Maybe for that period of time it was true but I think my desire for both is now healthier than it was when it was brand new.
“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.”
T.S. Eliot
originally posted by: sputniksteve
That was all rambling and I am preoccupied by something I can't put my finger on. I had some strange dreams last night that I think I am still subconsciously processing. I intended to try and start a conversation about the digital time capsule concept and speaking directly to a future generation through electronic media. It has been on my mind a lot the last week but I am feeling insufficiently motivated at the very moment. I am frustrated that the few people I try and explain it to IRL lack the interest in the concept that I hold. It is essentially writing an autobiography, just over a long period of time and accessible to anyone at any time, any where. It's probably just not as significant as I am making it out to be. Or maybe I am the only person that isn't the same person all the time and everyone else has nothing to explain. I don't know. Lol that probably should have occurred to me before right this second.