Need some advice on a strange situation

Well, I can tell you one thing; my spidey senses red-lined when I read the part about the parents contacting you (and not the girl). In my mind this does not bode well at all! Just about any way you look at this there's something wrong. I would recommend being extremely careful about how you proceed! Seriously.

At a very minimum it would be worth spending the money to talk with an attorney to find out:

- What you can and/or cannot discuss with this girl
- What the ramifications are of having a discussion and/or even contacting this girl
- What potential liability you incur by discussing this with the parents (and whether you should even accept any further calls from them at all).

Even if you don't follow the attorney's advice at least you'll have piece of mind and understand the risks better.

That the parents run a successful healthcare business for the elderly would suggest they are very likely acutely aware of financial liability through relationships and collateral responsibilities. Translated; they are probably keenly aware of how to extract every single cent from you for the next couple of decades. They can probably also attach any assets you have now, or may have in the future.

Be very, VERY, careful here. This situation is just weird enough to really turn into a major problem for you for a very long time. Equally, it could turn out to be nothing, but the potential negatives far outweigh the positives based on what you know right now. All you have is a single picture, but you don't know if the child has some health issue(s) which may require staggeringly expensive healthcare over the long term.

Remember these words (sadly they are often more accurate than we'd like to believe)..."No good deed goes unpunished"

You seem like a pretty upstanding guy. Don't let this bite you in the backside in a way which might affect the rest of your life. Seriously.

Something to think about.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Thank you!

Don't lose sight of the fact that this is a human being. Not someone to be run from or shunned. This girl didn't get pregnant by herself, and if you are the father you need to know so you can step up and do the right thing, whatever that may be.

At this point, it's more about the baby than it is you. Do what's right. I'm glad you are wanting to meet with the mother though, that's a good first step. You need some time to get used to the idea, anybody would go into a tailspin with news like this coming out of the blue.

Good luck.

a reply to: angeldoll

True, but sadly we live in a society where money takes priority over humanity, honor and dignity for some (not all, but some). It happens every single day, and you can see it anywhere you look. Just read the papers; people showing up out of the woodwork with paternity claims on people, whacked out claims for support on things like IVF, etc. Hence the phrase..."no good deed goes unpunished".

This one falls into the "trust, but verify" bucket. Remember, all he's got is a crazy phone call and a picture, that's it. On the flip side he's got years of being ignored, getting the cold shoulder and no contact. Then all of a sudden this, out of the blue?

Yes, it's a beautiful human life. However, that human life has others speaking for him with unknown intentions. One might draw a dark and sinister analogy to someone using a puppy to lure a small child into a bad situation. The OP is not a small child, but the lure in this case is far more compelling!

Don't go by looks. Remember Maury. All those kids supposedly look like the alleged fathers, who aren't responsible. Only DNA can be sure, and at this point I'm not sure you have an obligation to her, particularly given her attitude.

The fact the girls parents are reaching out to you seemingly without her knowledge, and the girl is pretending the kid isn't yours (very much sounds like it is), I'd be doing everything through an attorney. Something doesn't sound right here, so it'd be wise to legally protect yourself while you try to untangle the whole mess.

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Maybe. But just because "money takes priority over humanity" in our society, doesn't mean it has to do so with you. Or me. Or Brotherman. Regardless of the dictates and folkways of our society, as individuals we should strive to do what's right. Especially by our children.

a reply to: angeldoll

I'm not suggesting it does have to take precedence, hence the "trust, but verify" reference.

Understand the pool, and the risks, before jumping in. This is different than saying "just go ahead and jump in, the water's fine" (from a stranger).

That's all I'm saying. Just understand the risks.

a reply to: LordGoofus

EXACTLY!!

I was writing a post coming from the other side of FCD but suddenly all windows shut down. Took it as a sign.

Put simply, I learned late in live I am on the other side of the question. You can pm if you wish. However, I would still take a deep look at FCD's original post.

Also with DNA so readily available, he may eventually find out. That will be a whole nother set of questions. Her story vs your story.

Best wishes to you and your son.

I met with her today and she is considering a DNA test, I spoke with my father and he has consulted the family attorney.

I hope she agrees to a DNA test, I would not like to hide behind an attorney to discover a simple truth that requires just swabbing my mouth.

originally posted by: Brotherman
I met with her today and she is considering a DNA test, I spoke with my father and he has consulted the family attorney.

I hope she agrees to a DNA test, I would not like to hide behind an attorney to discover a simple truth that requires just swabbing my mouth.

I just read your thread and had hoped you would provide an update soon.

I'm not sure why folks immediately think she is crazy (your ex). Perhaps I read too quickly and missed something?
There could be many reasons a woman would not want to reveal paternity. I'm not saying those reasons are morally correct and wouldn't want to judge those reasons for they are hers.

If you want a relationship with the child then by all means, you should seek the DNA test (by whatever means necessary) and enjoy your new reality. Blood is not the most important thing though, as some have stated. I was adopted. I believe I was loved as if they had given birth to me. Maybe it was different but...I don't know that it wasn't as valid or meaningful or whatever. Meeting my birth family was a mixed bag but, I will say I was very fortunate to not have been raised with any of them, no matter how crazy my life was...still fortunate.

I think, from the photo, he does look like you but without seeing the other man...hard to say.

Good luck either way and I hope you let us know how it turns out!

All you can do is face the situation head on, stay calm . . . And with either outcome you will come out of it just fine. Kids are amazing. Good luck and I highly disagree with the comments to run and run fast.

Oops double post , sorry!

originally posted by: Brotherman
I met with her today and she is considering a DNA test, I spoke with my father and he has consulted the family attorney.

I hope she agrees to a DNA test, I would not like to hide behind an attorney to discover a simple truth that requires just swabbing my mouth.

Wow...he does look like a mini-you...but without seeing what Mom looks like, that could be misleading.

You seem, on the surface at least, to be taking it step by step and you are trying to be as balanced as you can...which is what my advice would be...cross each bridge as you come to it, and don't allow your expectations, in any direction, to get ahead of themselves. Be patient, don't push her and I am sure that she will do the test.

All the best, and take care.

I agree with flyingclaydisc ...why did the parents contact you ? RED FLAG ....and several questions come to my mind....
-is the current boyfriend ( or lack of ...) unable to financialy support her?
- are the parents taking care of her and baby and want her out of their house and out in her own ?
- why is she saying it's not yours, if it is ?
- did she really have a miscarriage or did she lie and had a baby ?

But all of that aside...that's just my suspicious mind at work.....honestly, if it is your child you should do the right thing and be there for the child. Do not think this is a way back into your ex's life....get a DNA test first and go from there.If it is your child, what ever agreement you two,parents decide on. Put it in legal writing. Protect yourself with legal agreement ....just in case down the road mom meets someone new and attitudes , life style, or finances change ...you legally have leverage and a leg to stand in.

a reply to: Brotherman

The girl and the new boyfriend are not doing well and he will say that the kid isn't even his if she tries to get him for child support. Sounds like they already tried that actually seeing as how they tried to claim that the child is his.

Now they are looking into you, because of money.

Or I may be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. But why would they contact you after so long? There is a problem there, and they are looking to stick it to somebody. I don't care how well off she is, this is about child support money. Or maybe it's even the new boyfriends idea for some extra income.

What an awful pickle to be in.

On the other hand, a baby is a gift. If he's yours, congratulations and I hope there's no complications in involving him in your life and minimal drama from her side of the family. Glad to hear you're getting an attorney(you said that right?).

IDK balls in her court for the time being. After we talked about things she is taking consideration of all the things I talked about here that I also talked about with her chiefly being it begins and could end with a simple swab, one way or the other.

Everything was very civil we were able to talk without an iota of an argument or fight and we finished out lunch together and she said she will think about everything and she will get back in touch with me in the near future.

Now on to the parents.., Do I call them and let them know this no longer requires their "over sight" and accusations? Do I say nothing? Do I say anything? They are the beginning of the red flags and WTF's even though they seem to be decent people.

a reply to: Brotherman

I wouldn't say a word to the parents. Period.

If the parents can't find out what's going on from their own daughter themselves then the parents aren't entitled to know. It's just that simple. You don't have to be rude about it, just don't talk to them.

There's virtually no scenario you can construct wherein the parents fishing around on their own for their daughter's baby-daddy is a good thing. If you were a happily married couple, settled and with a child and the parents were talking to you that might be one thing, but for the parents of an estranged GF with a child to be poking around looking for the father = BAD ju-ju all the way!!

I don't mean to sound paranoid and cold (it's not my nature), but this particular situation just doesn't pass the 'smell test' right now at all IMO. In fact, one of my first orders of business (were I in your shoes) would be to try to get an understanding of just exactly what is going on before doing anything else. Anything. Why did the parents contact you? Why didn't the ex-GF contact you? Did the ex-GF not want to contact you? If so, why? And, in my mind, these answers need to come from the ex-GF, not the parents (because you're not talking with them...yet).

Again, none of this needs to be done in an unfriendly or hostile way, but you're entitled to more information about this situation than you currently have (based on what you've said here). No need to go on an 'interrogation' spree, but clearly you deserve more info than you've been told so far, and people (ex-GF and parents) should readily understand this.

There could be plausible explanations to all these questions; maybe the girl was too shy to contact you so the parents did it for her, who knows, but until you get some answers you won't know either.

Remember...this is your life, and your future here! It's not someone else's to decide for you (especially some ex-GF's parents).

And one additional thought...

Always keep in mind that the humanitarian side of this coin has two sides. While some may argue "it's a human life for cripes sakes!"...the flip-side of this argument is exactly the same "it is a human life, dammit (several of them in fact); so treat it like one!!" Both sides need to be adults, and not slither around in the shadows with completely unclear motives. Right now it sounds like you're the only one playing the adult role.

Now granted, there's always "three" sides to every story...what he said (1), what she said (2) and then the truth (3). I can only go by what you've posted here so far, and I can say with almost absolute certainty there's more to the story.

Take it for what it's worth.