Need some advice on a strange situation

Hello ATS,

Recently I had the parents of a girl I had used to date 2 years ago locate my phone number through this girls older sister. The older sister was a friend from college and had actually introduced me to her younger sister and she is how we met. Anyways her parents had offered me a shocking revelation.., she had a baby and he is about a year and 5-6 months old. Here is the thing, when her and I were together at the time I was in Vermont helping with my fathers business's and she had become pregnant then.

That supposedly lasted 6 months her and I would see each other back and forth between Vermont and Pennsylvania until she had said she had a miscarriage, this (supposed) miscarriage was a big blow to family especially my Father and I as we had started making all the appropriate arrangements and all seemed very good between her and I. Then that and everything changed she had become very depressed at least over the phone and had said she needed space because of it all. I gave her her space and she chose to not speak with me for all this time until yesterday.

So anyway her parents had explained to me that she said that this baby was from her new boyfriend but because of the time frame that would also mean she was cheating on me while I was away or it is mine. Then they had sent me photos of the baby and he looks like me all the way. Now I did contact her after putting some careful thought into what I wanted to say but she has been very stubborn into meeting up and the possibility of a DNA comparison. After the phone conversion which in my opinion was not very enlightening her parents had called me back also explaining she doesn't want to because she is afraid if he is my boy that I am going to file against her for custody and # up her life.

I am utterly confused, depressed, and lost in this situation. I have so many questions and she is unwilling to more or less be honest and explain things to me. Any advice I could really use.

Thank you ATS a lot of you are my old friends of this forum for years and I appreciate you all!!!





Here is recent pics one is of me taken today and the other was from the summer according to the grandparents that sent the photos to me.

a reply to: Brotherman

Damn he does look just like you, you need to take a DNA test. I'm not sure what the law implies where you are from but maybe get a lawyer and try to figure it out? Or maybe secretly meet with her parents to get a DNA sample of some sort, I'm sure the would be willing to help you..

All I can say is good luck and keep your head up brother.

Count your lucky stars and move on. This chick is crazy. If at a later date you get involved In a child support case you can always fall back on a DNA test. You should send best wishes to the other boyfriend, the Poor dumb bastard.

a reply to: knowledgehunter0986

I feel like utilizing the family attorney is going to take away my ability to directly try and negotiate with her first but I do not know how woman think. I am very confused, I never been in this situation. It would be different if she was still pregnant and called me with claims etc etc but the thing is, is she never contacted me, never wanted money, never cried bitched or wined about me and had always told her parents and sister I was always great to her and her sister speaks highly of me as I used to tutor her in chem math and help her with her elective figure drawing classes. I don't know anything

Put yourself in the kid's shoes.

Wouldn't you want to know who your dad is?

Got to get that DNA test to be sure.

Blood is most important in this world.

If it's your kin, you have the right to know.

a reply to: Nickn3

I'm not sure I understand your advice very clearly.

a reply to: Brotherman

Then there is a slight possibility that she did in fact cheat on you and get pregnant and maybe she felt ashamed about it and decided to just run away.

You need to be direct with her by saying if she isn't willing to cooperate and be honest you will have no choice but to bring in a lawyer. This is possibly your child you're talking about and is no joking matter.

Good luck brother

Tough situation, and I'm so sorry you're going through this! My first thought was what are the parents agenda? Of course, I don't know how I would handle it if it were my daughter (she is 23). Something about the parents calling doesn't sit well with me. I can't put my finger on it.

Cute little boy, and he does favor you. But without a paternity test, you really can't be sure.

reply to: Brotherman

Well....she is probably feeling guilty. So reassurance that forgiveness is there will probably help.

a reply to: Lolliek

The whole thing is very strange to me it does not sit well with me either.


I don't know what kind of outcome I would desire quite yet, I think I will be able to better determine that if I get to be able to directly engage her in person and be able to discuss the missing blanks and the things I do know and what she may have to say about the whole situation.

The parents calling you could be about child support...or they may also be wanting to know about your medical history or if any medical issues run in your family.

I want to make it clear as well that her and I were never in bad terms and I had always admired and respected her and her time. Her and I used to do all kinds of rad things together, she was the first girl I was with that loved organic music and muscle cars, we used to visit art galleries and national parks type of lady. When things went sour back then I was hurt but I thought I understood maybe she was very depressed. Now I don't know what to think. I am trying to arrange a meeting at a cafe later today if she agrees.

Give yourself time to think. I doubt there is any need to rush into anything and it's probably a bit early to be considering calling in lawyers.

Make a list, if you will, of the pros and cons. Financially you're far better off if you stay away. Emotionally - well, that's up to you.

Bear in mind, too, that you're considering a course of action that the mother of this child clearly doesn't want.

How much of a burden is she, a single mother, to her parents? How happy would they be to pass the buck to you?

People can and do use kids to manipulate others. Funny thing, I was thinking just this afternoon how someone used their kids to con me out of money.

You have managed, up until now, to live your life without any involvement with this child. How much do you really need or want it and the disruption it will inevitably cause?

a reply to: berenike

her parents own a large in home care firm and she is working her way to becoming a practioner nurse, she is very well to do, all of this is very uncharacteristic of what I know about her, her and I were together for about a year. I am not sure what her parents motives are.

originally posted by: Nickn3
Count your lucky stars and move on. This chick is crazy. If at a later date you get involved In a child support case you can always fall back on a DNA test. You should send best wishes to the other boyfriend, the Poor dumb bastard.

totally with you on this one.
100%

a reply to: berenike

Writing your name down in case I ever need good counsel.

Omg! He is sooo cute! I wouldn't want to share that bundle of love either..such a happy baby.

As to your dilemma.. you have to find out for sure. If the child is yours and you don't.. it will effect you later in life. The chances that she pulls out a child support case, the possibility you find out you are the father after you've been married for 3-4 years to another woman..the chance that a teenager shows up at your doorstep 15 years from now. Many other ways this could effect your life, but you get the idea..

For me, I would not want any surprises like that...as well as I wouldn't want to miss out on the little guys childhood. So, it is quite a simple choice for me..I would ask and continue to ask for a dna test and do it through a lawyer so it was documented for later use if I should need it. (this goes along with child support, as well as proving to the child, if he should show up on your doorstep as a teenager, that you tried)

Choice is yours obviously..but, things like this tend to creep back into your life later on..it is worth it to make sure.. s&f for the baby pic! lol

thanks,
blend57

a reply to: Brotherman

Try not to think yourself round in circles and go for a softly, softly approach if you intend to follow this up.

Trying to fathom other people and their motivations is probably beyond most of us, but look at the situation as it is. Not as it could be or might have been - just as it is.

How have you been treated? Do you have a reason to suppose you will be treated with any more consideration in future?

a reply to: Brotherman Let me be clear, Run fast, Run far. Break all contact. Move on.

a reply to: blend57

I'm going to find out one way or the other. I just don't want to be rash or insensitive because throwing accusations ignorantly isn't my thing.

How would you best approach a woman about her baby and say "DNA or Bust lady"? I want to be able to do this the best possible way I can, I don't understand a womans mind very well, they are not like dogs, dogs are easy.., woman holy # they are complex.