Softball with AugustusMasonicus

Our guest today is potentially the smartest person on the site, having more higher education learning then all of you dumb-dumbs put together. As a matter of fact, they have four degrees (four more than me) and one is a PhD. A fifth one will be in Egyptology which they will use to shut down all discussion on Ancient Aliens and cover up the true purpose of the Great Pyramid.

When it comes to ancient civilizations they can be considered our resident expert whose knowledge on the topics always comes with first hand experience-covering up Nephilim and the like. So, give a warm welcome to one of our longest standing members who you all know, Byrd.

Thanks for participating today Byrd, hopefully this thread’s abysmal intelligence level doesn’t impact your GPA too greatly.

AM: You have four degrees, including a PhD, working on a 5th and you’re thinking of getting a 6th (!), is your brain on drugs?

BD: Technically it's 6 degrees (double major) but that's actually Fahrenheit, so it's really only -14 degrees Celsius. Lately I've been giving some consideration to getting negative degrees... such as "not getting a degree in Operational Analysis" and "not signing up for Black Hole Bungee Jumping." I should be able to manage a couple thousand negative degrees any day now. I'm not sure about the drugs. That's probably another degree or two.

AM: Which degree certificate gets hung the highest on your home office wall and why?

BD: Whichever one hasn't been eaten yet by my horde of genetically modified velociraptors that serve as my paper shred--

Oh.

Wait...

Hey, Augustus, did you know I collect pens? Have you seen my neuralyzer replica? It's got this flashlight thingy here on the end...





***FLASH***

Hi, Augustus! Well, I suppose I could answer a few questions for an interview. What did you want to know?

AM: Uh......Hmmm. Oh yeah, your avatar and screen name frequently have members thinking you are a dude, do you enjoy catfishing the entire site?

BD: I can see how it would be confusing for all the guys who have pictures of women as their avatars.

I like to think of it as frog-gigging rather than catfishing, though. I originally thought about using a mockingbird but that idea got killed.

AM: Touché. You seem not to believe in the Ancient Aliens theory, would it be more palatable if they were just moderately old aliens?

BD: The problem with ancient aliens is that you have to boil them for decades before they become tender. Now, you can grind them up with a mortar and pestle and use them in soups and curries if you've got kitchen appliance warranties that will last a decade. However, I find that fresher aliens are so much more flexible and can be blanched and served ala dente draped tastefully over a side of truffle fries.

AM: Many Ancient Alien proponents claim the Great Pyramid is a battery and want to ‘turn it on’, how would you do this? Lingerie, scented candles, mood music?

BD: Vast amounts of chocolate. The fact that vast amounts of chocolate might excite me is irrelevant.

AM: We have all heard of pyramid power and how it can do things like make razor blades sharp. If we were to place a disposable razor in the Great Pyramid would we be able to shave DB’s back with it?

BD: No, that'd take Occam's Razor. I'm afraid, though, that there are somethings that even a galactic-sized pyramid can sharpen.

AM: *Interviewer's note - I prayed to the Baby Jesus, Mighty Cthulhu and all the Egyptian Gods that Byrd would slump to my level and dog pile DB, it worked, Hail Ra!!!*

Are you more Zahi Hawass or Indiana Jones?

BD: Dr Who.

Would you like to come up and see my Tardis?

AM: Teehee. *flips hair*


 

AM: Why does evolution hate Jesus?

BD: It was one of those Facebook post spats that started over exfoliating scrubs and beard brushes. We all tried to get them to calm down and just let it go, but it escalated once Judas mentioned the window washing boy. After that, there was no stopping them, particularly since Jesus started sneering "Dad likes ME best!" in answer to everything.

AM: What is the most interesting dig you have been on and/or artefact that you found in your field work?

BD: Well, there was this one time when we were on a Second Age dig in Sammath Naur when we found this small and somewhat distorted skeleton that had eleven fingers. Dr. Gothmog of the University of Nazgul was going to send the ring and bones to the University to be analyzed but he disappeared from camp that night. The head of the dig said that the spiders got him and we lost funding after that.

AM: Did you ever find a missing link when doing your archeology stuff?

BD: Well, no...but I find the skull of Nanuqsaurus when I was doing paleontology in a five gallon bucket of... ah... errr....

Have I shown you how I found it? I've got this neat neuralyzer tool here and....





*****FLASH****

Hi, Augustus! Sure, I guess I could do an interview. What would you like to know?

AM: WTF! Cut that s*** out! It's like drinking and getting a hangover without the fun part.

How difficult was it growing up an army brat and did it influence your later choices in life?

BD: It was endlessly fascinating, though a mistimed trip through time and space once landed me in the middle of a "Speed Dating For Barbarians" special. Luckily I was able to escape when a cybernetic raccoon showed up and flung a tree at them.

It was an educational lifestyle and I've been to many strange places such as the far-flung Isles of Langerhans. I even know how to say, "why yes, your hovercraft IS full of eels!" in 32 languages including Judoon. I spent one summer learning how to repremand waiters in Klingon if the Bloodwine is the wrong temperature or the Krada leg has stopped kicking.

AM: What is your favorite museum to visit to get the 'official story' on our past?

BD: The Illuminati section of the Area 51 collection in the Smithsonain sub-basement in the Vatican catacombs....

Have I shown you this artifact I got from them? It's this really cool thingy with a light on the end that works like...





*****FLASH****

Hi Augustus! I could do an interview, I suppose. What would you like to know?

AM: Oh, Sweet Horus, my brain feels like lime Jell-O. Let's go with some easy stuff and your obligatory Softballs. Favorite TV show, movie, book, recording artist, meal?

BD: This century, last century, or the next century?

AM: Can I just get tossed into the Gorge of Eternal Peril now?

Who’s the coolest Egyptian god and why?

BD: Well, Re would be the hottest god up until the New Kingdom when Amun-Re became Highest Hotness... so I suppose that would make his opponent Apep, the Underworld Serpent of the Duaat, the coolest thing out there.

Mind you, I've never tried to take Apep's temperature.

Here's the thermometer... would you like to give it a try?

AM: *sniffs thermometer* Uh, not really, no. But thanks anyway.

Person on ATS you’d most like have accompany you and Kurt Russell through a stargate?

BYRD: Have I shown you my neat invention? It's got this light on the end right here and....





*****FLASH****

Oh, hi, Augustus! I'm so glad you agreed to be interviewed by me. I know the members here will find it fascinating.

...so tell me, how did you happen to end up as the head of GOOF -- the Galactic Order Of Freemasons? I'm sure it's a fascinating tale.....

AM: I want my momma and my binky.



Known to her kids as "Indiana Mom", Byrd is a scientist, writer, artist, comic book creator, poet, storyteller, filker, Minecraft afficionado and World of Warcraft player (not necessarily in that order.) She once self-published an annotated version of Lewis Carroll's GAME OF LOGIC. She's a volunteer shovel bum at a dinosaur dig and helps prep dinosaur fossils for nearby museums. She's also a volunteer educator for an Audubon center and an Adjunct Professor in the Continuing Education department at a nearby college. This bio will change when she gets twitchy and decides to try something new in five... four... three... two...

LOOK!!! IT'S THE HINDENBERG!!!





****FLASH****

I wonder what oddball person AugustusMasonicus has lined up for the bio this month. Known to her kids as "Indiana Mom", Byrd is a scientist, writer, artist, comic book creator, poet, storyteller, filker, Minecraft afficionado and World of Warcraft player (not necessarily in that order.) She once self-published an annotated version of Lewis Carroll's GAME OF LOGIC. She's a volunteer shovel bum at a dinosaur dig and helps prep dinosaur fossils for nearby museums. She's also a volunteer educator for an Audubon center and an Adjunct Professor in the Continuing Education department at a nearby college. This bio will change when she gets twitchy and decides to try something new in five... four... three... two...

LOOK!!! IT'S THE HINDENBERG!!!





****FLASH****

I wonder what oddball person AugustusMasonicus has lined up for the bio this month.

That concludes this month’s interview. Did we all learn something? I know I did, I think, I mean I vaguely recall something. Oh yeah, that higher learning institutions continue to cover up the truth about everything regarding our past, like who built the pyramids (cats) and that they are, in actuality, gigantic satellite radio receivers so the Egyptians could listen to an ancient version of Howard Stern from another planet.

Thanks for participating Byrd, I feel smarter by osmosis. Your parting gift today is one of those tiny rock hammers Andy Dufresne got in The Shawshank Redemption so you can eventually tunnel out of the oppressive official stories about history you currently labor under. Thank you again everyone. Until the next time.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Byrd is the word.

You're lucky you were quick with the replies I was about to post something but decided to count the post first.



Another great interview thanks Byrd and AM

a reply to: FauxMulder

I had all the messages on separate windows to prevent you from messing up my formatting since I knew you were sent here by the Russians to piss me off.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Yeah, Right...
A woman with 6 Degrees...

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Моя проклятая совесть мешала. Я просто должен был засчитывать и нажимать обновление.

My goddamned conscience got in the way. I just had to count and hit refresh.....I'll get you next time Gadget.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Right. It's like when those fat sensei's claim to have a tenth degree black belt. Har har.

a reply to: FauxMulder

I frankly don't trust any of you anymore. You have a terrible track record adhering to my anal retentive formatting requirements.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: FauxMulder

I frankly don't trust any of you anymore. You have a terrible track record adhering to my anal retentive formatting requirements.

I'll be sure to wear my adult diapers if you interview me.

a reply to: IAMTAT

Thank you, at least someone cares.

I knew that Byrd had a rep for being the ATS expert on ancient stuff... and after this interview I can see why. I for one am impressed! It was a great read, thanks guys!

a reply to: geezlouise

Glad you enjoyed it.

Very interesting interview! I really enjoyed this! Thanks Augustus and Byrd!

originally posted by: Night Star
Very interesting interview! I really enjoyed this! Thanks Augustus and Byrd!

Thanks!

Don't forget to pick up your check from the Illuminati!

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: FauxMulder

I frankly don't trust any of you anymore. You have a terrible track record adhering to my anal retentive formatting requirements.

...you triple-posted the bio.

I think my flashy-thingie needs adjusting. Have you seen my flashy-thingie? It's very nice. I've got it right over there...

originally posted by: Byrd
...you triple-posted the bio.

Yeah, I figured it would made me look more retarded (if that were even possible).

. . . far-flung Isles of Langerhans. . .

Had me rolling!

(which isn't hard, since I'm round)

A great interview!

originally posted by: DBCowboy

Had me rolling!

(which isn't hard, since I'm round)

A great interview!

Glad you enjoyed it. We're celebrating in the Softball green room with bourbon ice cream floats.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Any pudding shots?

originally posted by: DBCowboy

. . . far-flung Isles of Langerhans. . .

Had me rolling!

I wondered if anyone would get the Firesign Theater reference.

...I think we're all Bozos on this bus.