Softball with AugustusMasonicus

Welcome back to Softball. Our next guest, another of our longer-standing members who’s hygienically challenged moniker will be familiar to you all, is a frequent poster whose subversive humor can always make us laugh, although his posts constantly make you question his sanity. You know him, you love him, a legend in his own behind, I mean mind, Skid Mark.

Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule today Skid, hopefully your belly button lint will still be there for harvesting when we are done. You are a regular on the Off-Topic forums giving people glimpses into your personal life. Now, sadly, they will get to see the curtain completely pulled back. Life for us will likely never be the same.

AM: Let’s talk about the 400lb brownish gorilla in the room, your screen name. Did you pick it because it always reminds you to leave the house with clean tighty whities?

SM: The name... When I joined every name I wanted to use was already taken. I didn't want to have a number at the end of my user name. It's too much of a "me too" type thing.

I have a twisted sense of humor and like double meanings. Skid Mark seemed like a good choice. For one, it's what you get from stopping suddenly or starting suddenly (peeling out). Then, there's what you get from not wiping thoroughly. Add to that the fact that I was less than sober at the time (T&cs forbid me to say what I was on but I can say that I don't drink).

AM: How often do you PWI (Post While Intoxicated) and what one instance stands out?

SM: I do it often as I can lol. I can't really think of an instance that stands out; not that anyone would be able to tell. I'm pretty much the same unbalanced guy when I'm sober.

AM: Well, that's reassuring. You recently moved from West Virginia, is that because your sister-cousin dumped you?

SM: Yeah. She wanted to have a nephson but I didn't. I don't want offspring with webbed feet and a harelip. Kidding. Kidding.

No, I moved because life there wasn't good and also I missed my family here in Indiana. It had been 4 years since I saw them.

AM: Did you do the smart thing and not give them a heads up you were coming back so they didn't have time to change the locks?

SM: They'd already done that when I left; not that it would have helped. I can get past most locks lol. Here's the thing about family though. You're stuck with them, more or less. Too bad for them lol.

AM: Was it tough leaving behind your friends when you moved?

SM: It was tough when I left Indiana; not so much when I came back.

AM: Even with all your invisible friends not making the journey?

SM: Yeah, they were tough to leave behind. I left them plenty of souls to eat though so they should be fine.

AM: You've mentioned that you were able to bring your dogs with you many times which made the move easier, tell us about them.

SM: Molly is the oldest. I've had her for over six years. She's part Alaskan husky and lab. She takes after the husky though. My brother calls her "miss personality" and she is full of that. She's just gotten to where she'll come up to me for hugs and cuddles. If you don't have a husky from birth, they tend to take a long time to bond.

My youngest, Suzie, is Molly's daughter. She's also part Australian cattle dog. She looks like a fruit bat. She's also a cuddle monster. If there's anything she likes more than treats, it's hugs.

Both of them act like monkeys. They grab things with their front paws. They also know how to unplug cords, unlock car doors, and open car doors. They also team up, which makes things challenging at times.

AM: Do they both cuddle you because they like you or is it the pork chop necklace?

SM: I really don't know. I hope it's because they like me and not because I smell like meat. They both like to lick my hand and I can't help but wonder if they're tasting me.

AM: You're about to start a new job, are you excited about getting to pay your fair share of taxes?

SM: Yeah, I am. I was feeling left out not being able to put my fair share toward bombing civilians and hospitals in other countries.



 

AM: Besides your upcoming gainful employment you've mentioned you’ve been working on some television screenplays to sell, do they have boobies and dragons?

SM: No they don't but that's a good idea. Now you have me trying to picture a dragon with boobies.

AM: I'm sure it would look pretty damn hot. Your brought up writing earlier, what do you enjoy writing about?

SM: I write pretty much anything. I've written some stuff that I guess could be called drama. I also like to write horror. Horror is really fun to write.

AM: What's toughest thing you’ve ever had to do?

SM: It probably would be.

Oh boy. There have been several. One of the latest would probably have to be chopping wood while I had a cracked rib. That, and hauling wood while I had a cracked rib.

AM: Did you crack your rib having hot monkey sex?

SM: Nope. I've never been attracted to monkeys. It might be the poop throwing thing. Mostly it's that I'm only attracted to my own species. I'm not that much of a pervert.

I don't know how I cracked the rib, to be honest. It might have been from hauling wood down from the mountain. I had a bad cough at the time, too. It could have been that.

AM: (just an FYI, that was not a bestiality expression, but I like that's where you automatically went.)
Okay, time for the Softball segment. Skid's favorite film?

SM: There are so many to choose from. I like Smoke Signals, Rhymes for Young Ghouls, Deadpool, Event Horizon, John Dies at the End, Dagon, among many others. I really can't pick a favorite.

AM: All good choices. Your last meal on earth?

SM: It's a tough choice. Either steak or the hearts of my enemies.

AM: I can see the dilemma. Best Role Playing Game?

SM: That's another tough one. I have many lol. I like Deadlands. That one's fun. Right now I'm getting into Call of Cthulhu.

AM: Look at you, going right for my soft spot. Favorite book?

SM: So many books, so little time, so hard to choose a favorite. Under the Dome by Stephen King was good. Anything by H.P. Lovecraft is good. That's about all I can think of for now.

AM: Two of the best. Which reality TV hillbilly do you most associate with?

SM: I really don't know. I don't watch reality TV. Real life reality is weird enough.

AM: (Skid asked me not to print his original answer which was; 'The one that gets laid the most'). Final question. If you could go back in time and meet one person, who would it be and why?

SM: That's another tough one. Johnny Cash would be cool to meet. I like his music. Roy Orbison is another, for the same reason. Those two were actually neighbors. I bet their neighborhood was a fun place on summer evenings.



Skid Mark is 43 and currently resides in Indiana (at least until the bounty hunters show up). His hobbies include reading, writing, table top role playing games, calling up the Elder Gods and doing whatever the Fhtagn he feels like.

Skid Mark is a man of many talents, some of them are even legal. He loves his dogs and the occasional visible person. He is following in the footsteps of his mentor, Freddy Krueger, and about to commence his new career as a custodial expert.

Well everyone, that wraps up our latest segment. Next time you come across Skid in the forums just keep in mind that he is most likely inebriated and take pity on him. We did learn that behind the off-color jokes is a deep thinker who enjoys literature and has a great imagination. And honestly, how can you not like someone who likes dogs?

Thanks for playing along Skid, you didn't sound bombed out of your gourd at all[/sarc]. We all feel much closer to you now and, speaking for myself, this makes me want to bathe in a tub of hand sanitizer. Your parting gift this afternoon is a fresh pack of Fruit of the Looms, in black, so you don't have to worry.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus
Thank you! *Takes a bow* The undies are a plus. Nobody can see my streaks.

a reply to: Skid Mark

Thanks for participating. Do me a favor and lie to everyone about how painful it was, I need to rustle up more interviews.

Great job Mason and Skid! This was so much fun to read! These interviews give us a better insight into our fellow members and friends. Thank you both!!

originally posted by: Night Star
These interviews give us a better insight into our fellow members and friends.

That's a good thing, right?

For those of you where it is Winter and cold, don't forget our little friends...

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: Night Star
These interviews give us a better insight into our fellow members and friends.

That's a good thing, right?

YES! Love these! Sorry about the squirrel pic, that was meant for the shed. LOL I goofed.

Mason, I want to see someone who is clever enough to do one of these interviews with you!!!!!!

a reply to: Night Star

Only if Zazz does my thread first.

Another great interview!

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Thank you Auggie!

Skid always has been one of my favorite folks and now I can understand the 'why' a little better
(aside from the usual stalker stuff!).

You are amazing in your hard hitting yet clever approach to getting to the nitty gritty of what makes the membership tick...


I can hardly wait for the next installment. The only disappointment really is that the interviews cannot be threads of their own...they are so deserving of their own flags and stars (I know they don't mean much but) that I do so love to give out.

Again, you are so appreciated along with your interviewees...

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Glad you enjoyed it. Skid was a good sport and played along. Particularly on the cousin-boning stuff.

Every once in a while someone makes a mistake.

This is one of those times.

The Mason has agreed to actually do an interview with me. I think it is high time to dispel all the rumors of his evil satanic rites, the allegations of his selling nude pictures of Celine Dion to frustrated Canadians, and his alleged dealings with subversive elements within the Hip Hop industry.

While this is called “Softball with AugustusMasonicus”, today, I will be the one pitching and he will be the one catching.

(Did I just make this awkward?)

Question 1
Your username suggests Masonic origins, your avatar suggests Masonic origins. So I have to ask, if you were in a 64-box of crayons, what color would you like to be next to?

I don't do racist crayon identity politics. #allcrayoncolorsmatter.

But if I had to pick it would be Trumpskin Orange.

(Interviewers note, Trumpskin Orange is actually a gender now)

Question 2
It is common knowledge that you live in New Jersey. Now we want to be objective as possible and don’t want to stereo-type in any way, but how long have you been in the Mafia?

There is no such thing as the Mafia. However, I will tell you that Albert Manzo was in my parents wedding. I remember being a kid when my dad got the call that they found Uncle Tiny who had been missing. Unfortunately for Tiny he was wrapped in plastic and stuffed in the back of his Lincoln.

Question 3
What brought you to ATS? Was it the subjects, are you getting paid, or are you simply a bot used to confuse us?

I still remember the thread. It was Loop Quantum Gravity by Neon Haze. I am into theoretical and quantum physics so that subject pulled me in.

Now I stay because the CIA pays well. You should see the 401K we get. And dental! Plus I get to see what kind of porn all of you pervs watch. Looking at you Reldra! Just how many amputee midgets can one person get off on?

Question 4
Your recent political activities included another member that you voted for, for the office of president. Are politics, campaigning for candidates in your future?

I was actually asked to run for Town Council but I just don't have the time to do the job justice with my travel schedule.

Plus all the literal skeletons in my closet could be a hindrance. Probably would have just been smarter to bury them.

Question 5
Favorite film genre, book, art work/artist?

Oh, this is tough. I'm all over the place with this. My two favorite films are Star Wars and Godfather II. One was the film of my youth and the other was a cool sci-fi epic.

I still love Lord of the Rings, it was the first 'adult' thing I read if you don't count my father's Playboys. I am also a big Stephen King fan. I like Kinky Friedman, the guy is brilliant. If George Martin can finish Game of Thrones before he croaks he could be on the list too.

I also read a good deal of history and science. But if I had to pick just one book that really stood out it would be House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski, it's a total mind effer.

I like absinthe and it is a well known fact that drinking absinthe leads to Impressionism. So that means I'm a big fan of Monet. We have a bunch of repro's hanging in the house (they brighten up the hostage rooms) and if I had to pick my favorite by him it would be the Rouen Cathedral series.

Question 6
You appear to be a bit of a “foodie”. What is your signature dish and how is it prepared?

Vegetarian. I like to slow cook the under-nourished bastards to impart more flavor.

Anything Italian. I had two restaurants and everything was homemade so I would say pastas, pizza and sauces would be what my friends always ask me to make them. My lasagna would make you cry tears of culinary joy.

Question 7
If you could switch bodies with any celebrity, which one would you have jump-rope naked in front of a mirror while bouncing on a trampoline?

Jennifer Lawrence is pretty damn hot. I would switch with her and become such a total raging lesbian it would not even be funny. Or maybe it would.

Can you turn into Amy Adams for me?

(Interviewers note, yes, yes I will)

Question 8
Have you ever worn yoga pants in public?

When Lulu Lemon had their see through yoga pants recall I went out and scored a few pairs so I could do downward facing dog in the local park. I typically get the place all to myself now.

Question 9
It appears as though your job takes you all over. Do you steal hotel soaps and towels?

I do! The stuff they give out at the higher end Hilton properties is by Ferragamo so all the bathrooms in our house are loaded with his stuff. Plus it's kind of fun to write your shopping list on Waldorf Astoria or The Drake stationary.

Question 10
Last question. If “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” then finish this statement. “What happens in my basement. . . . . . . . . . “

...would get me 5-6 consecutive life sentences with no chance at parole.

Truth be told, I actually DO have someone in my basement. He just pays me rent though and keeps an eye on my CIA cams when I am out traveling and pilfering hotel toiletries.

I want to thank AugustusMasonicus for consenting to this interview.

I hope you have enjoyed it.

Final note. . . . no sheep were actually harmed during the making of this interview.

originally posted by: DBCowboy

I want to thank AugustusMasonicus for consenting to this interview.

You said you would stop staring in my windows if I did this.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: DBCowboy

I want to thank AugustusMasonicus for consenting to this interview.

You said you would stop staring in my windows if I did this.

I'm still staring.