How do you tell your loved ones you are dying?

I found out yesterday that there are tumors inside my pancreas......meaning the big "C" (cancer) and after doing some research it appears to be one of the worst to get from all the cancers.... go figure...

So I have not told the family yet for a couple of reasons:

1. My family and i are VERY close..... why we even live a few blocks away.....including grandchild.

2. My daughter is disabled and too attached to me. We are almost inseparable and shock lands her in the hospital every time with a severe relapse so I know I have to tell her too.

So here is the scenario:

You are dying .... how do you tell the family?

a reply to: DeathSlayer

There is no easy way.

But my own internal logic suggests this;

The things you worry about ie your daughter ending up in hospital because of the shock are going to happen anyway.

The way I see it, you have two options -

A) Try to hide it until you are too sick to do so and no doubt weak and not able to be a lot of help to anyone, which sounds like it could be trauma all round.

or

B) To accept that it will be difficult news for everyone. Know that while you still have strength you can help everyone get through it the shock and teach them to value every moment you all have left to share, even if the ride will be bumpy.

I don't think there is a magical silver bullet answer to this one sorry.

a reply to: markosity1973

WOW!

I had not looked at it from this angel.

Option A: Looks good right now.... I am a coward.

THANKS!

EDIT LATER: Looks like this will be happening pretty quickly. I was told to get my affairs in order because I am in stage 4 ,,,,,, meaning a few weeks, 3 months at most. Once I can no longer contain the pain, I will check into the hospital ...... BUT before I check out of this life I will make a final post to ATS..... until then.....

DeathSlayer

I don't know.

All I can say is, I'm sorry.

Fight it man, kick it's ass. By any means necessary... your name is DeathSlayer, right? Time to slay some damn death.

Godspeed my friend.

a reply to: CagliostroTheGreat

Thank you...

God bless you and your family!

Have the DRs actually said you are terminal or are you just going on what you've looked up? Don't just assume you're going to die.
Get mad.
Fight.
Get cured.
Tell Cancer to go f*** himself.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

IMHO, you do it now. Get them all together and let them know.

That way they can start the grieving process WITH you. Some may have things they would regret if not dealt with while you are here.
I know because I just lost 2 family members fairly recently. One to pancreatic cancer.

My mom was diagnosed with it and lasted 3 years. Those years were PRICELESS!! It brought the family together like we never had been. It was NOT easy, some of it was outright HELL, but I would not trade that time for anything.

My dad passed suddenly, and there is a lot I wish could have been said before he passed, regrets.

Your family will survive and go on. Its life. Give them, and you a chance to deal with it.

God Bless Brother, I am sad but at the same time I KNOW you know where you are going.

"Well done my good and Faithful servant"

I look forward to meeting you there.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Tell your family. If one of my family members was terminal I'd want to know so I could make the most out of the time left, so I could say all the things I wanted to say, so I could have time to think of things I'd want to say so I could go forward with my life with closure and no regret.

Most of all, stay positive. Just because it's one of the worst kind of tumors or whatever, doesn't mean you are guaranteed to die.

Sit them down and be honest, don't draw the conversation out, be direct.

originally posted by: BelowLowAnnouncement
a reply to: DeathSlayer

Tell your family. If one of my family members was terminal I'd want to know so I could make the most out of the time left, so I could say all the things I wanted to say, so I could have time to think of things I'd want to say so I could go forward with my life with closure and no regret.
Sit them down and be honest, don't draw the conversation out, be direct.

^^^This.

Cant agree more.

a reply to: DAVID64

Believe me I am not going out without a fight...... heading to Amsterdam to find 100% hemp oil. I have read up on hemp oil and its healing powers within it.......and since I have cancer...... I will smoke my fill of some good ole Holland grown weed.

I was told by two doctors, the doctor on the floor and the "Oberarzt" Head doctor. I was released to go home today around 1100 hours (german time).... the wife is at work so when she gets home I can't be here at this thread....

For two and half days I went through various test.... EKG, don't know what you call this..... the camera down the throat.... all the way to your stomach, various blood tests and MRT....

I don't think a second opinion would help....

So off I go to Amsterdam....... wanna come?

DeathSlayer:

My mom passed away from ovarian cancer 6 years ago, my dad was diagnosed and operated on 2 years ago with bladder cancer. He is still alive. It's in my genes so I'm sure I'll get cancer at some point. I do have a point though. My mom told herself and her friends until it was too late that it was not serious and that she would survive. As a result most people carried on like everything was ok and didn't spend much time with her. When she was really sick, most people just showed up to say good bye, but missed their chance to hang with here while she was still reasonably well.

My point is, tell people how serious it is! Give your friends and family the chance to spend time with you and remember you while you are not in the hospital bed. They will appreciate it! It is so god damned sad to go to a hospital to see a person in pain and dying. Have a party or ten parties, celebrate life while you can. Get busy living or get busy dying. Your choice my friend.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

For yourself, take comfort in that you've had time to pass on your values and convictions to your family. Since you've a very close family, have confidence that they will live up to things you've passed on and that they will pull together and care for one another given the circumstances at hand.

Don't worry about telling them. Every minute counts and would be much better than a sudden passing.

First of all, I'm terribly sorry for you diagnosis. I can't even imagine.
Secondly, I have been through this before. I would tell them as soon as possible. So they will have a better peace of mind.

What were the symptoms how did you figure out something was wrong?

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Some alternative treatments have cured even the very challenging pancreatic cancer.

You might check them out--there's a great thread on ATS about such. Graviola is one supplement that's very powerful.

Also,

www.beinhealth.com...

and

www.iamchanged.com...

Pastor Henry Wright has had huge success with all types of cancers and other incurable rare disease. 100's of MD's now consult with him.

may have value for you.

Otherwise--how to tell them--straightforwardly tends to be best, imho.

Am saddened by your news. I pray you overcome and are made whole and healed again.

Please consider the alternative stuff. Many have been saved even at stage 4 and some with only 10 days left to live.

a reply to: stosh64

Good God.....here I am talking about me and look at you and your issues.... and I am so sorry to hear this. This breaks my heart. AND your advice ..... along with other ATS members is very clear and I am starting to rethink my approach.....

markosity1973 options...... I am starting to lean towards option B.

Like you and others have said I should do it now........ give me a day or two because not sure how to start topic..... Family thinks all is OK because I was in the hospital for only 3 and half days..

Should I start off with a joke? "Hey guys...guess whose got cancer?"

a reply to: HickoryStick

A PARTY!

THATS IT!



I want a wake....then off to the furnace, ashes poured out in the North Sea (our favorite vacation place) This way they can take a small vacation at the same time.

Another great idea....

Thanks!

My grandfather always told me "two heads are better than one" but here at ATS there are more than just two heads....

Keep em coming....love everyone's ideas...and it helps me release some tenstion.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Really bad news and I feel for you, but the big C isn't what it once was. Treatments today are mostly effective and new ones come along almost weekly.

My son was diagnosed with a terminal cancer the year before last and at this time, after chemo & radiation (which both where horrible to put up with), appears to be cancer free.

He got through the worst of it with support from close family and friends. It was hard for him to tell us, too, but now he's got it nearly beat he (and we) are glad he didn't just crumple. He lost a grandfather, grandmother, step sister and his son was born in the same year he was fighting this, so life has been crazy sad and happy at the same time. Family (I hope) can give love and support when pain and disability rear their ugly heads. If they love you, you'll need them.

It's all a bit random but there is hope.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Thank you very much and I will check out these links.

God bless you and your family.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

Should I start off with a joke? "Hey guys...guess whose got cancer?"

I don't think there is a wrong way, just be you, the guy your family loves.

You are on our prayer list Brother.

a reply to: DeathSlayer

firstly only invite adults, not children. and tell them straight. Recently been diagoised with this.

just dont give any false expectations o nreasearch and only give waht doctors have said.

the black and white approach is much better than giving a thoughtout speil.

plus yo uknow you family better than us, you know how to speak to them, you will figure it out im sure.