I need some advice....

a reply to: TonyS

no that's it. See that was my akillis heel before, in that I was generous to a fault. Like you think you're doing some good. But actually when you really look at it under a microscope you have to be careful with that. Because you could be hurting even hating yourself. Like if you loved yourself, why would you put yourself in a bad situation. So I realize now that you can't be that generous. That's just totally stupid. But I sort of look at it now from the vantage point that I'm "prepaid" in the tithing or giving department for a good while. And I'm not gonna be that generous anymore. It's not helping anyone. Maybe by someone lunch or just something very small. Don't go trying to bail them out of every hairbrained delemma someone has.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan

My dad used to tell me, "If you aren't willing to whoop their ass in front of their momma, don't loan them money".

That marked family and friends right off the list.

Wise man! I love that

I will be sure to reference BFFT Father when I borrow that line, ok?:

a reply to: lavatrance

Well, yea, you're right but here's another part of the problem..........you're just enabling this persons lack of personal responsibility. As long as they think they've got a patsy on the hook, they'll just continue being irresponsible. Sorry to say this, but it's kinda like a tough love situation. I know, I've been there and by bailing them out you're really hurting them. They''ll never grow out of dependency and irresponsibility.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan
WOW a MOD who know who his father is
( sorry could not resist, please remove comment if it ofends you)

a reply to: lavatrance

Money is a stupid reason to end a relationship or cause hard feelings between relatives or friends. If the person needs the money and you can afford to help why not help?

Sure it's bs you were not repaid the original loan but maybe there is a reason.

I almost never borrow or lend money, it causes too many problems.

The bottom line is you should do what you feel is right.

a reply to: lavatrance

NEVER loan money to friends or family that you expect to get paid back. If the amount of money would affect my relationship with the person then I don't loan it...period.

a reply to: lavatrance

I am in the exact same situation.

A very good friend of mine needed a thousand dollars so he could keep a roof over his families head , then I have another friend who borrowed from me to impress his new girlfriend. Guess which one is the real friend?

I'm surprised no one mentioned this.
Sometimes all you can do for a family member who can't get it together is assist them in finding any social programs they qualify for.
Free-credit & budgeting help
Food bank
utility assistance
counciling

Long term help is better than running from one emergency to another. In my case it took telling a family member I was horribly sorry and giving them the phone number to a shelter. You can only do what you can do and don't beat yourself up over it.

Bad things do indeed happen to good people, and if I can help I do. Chronic stuff I can't have around me since it tail-spins me into a bad place.

Do what you can live with. Only you know.

a reply to: lavatrance

Make an appointment with someone who does money management/consulting and insist they attend the meeting. IF you decide to "Loan" them money again you need to label it a "gift", because it probably won't be a "loan" in the strictest sense of the term.

It's fine to want to help a relative, but putting yourself in financial jeopardy to do it and expect it to be repaid and it's not can cause an irreparable family rift. I hate to say It, but I don't think it's ever a good idea to loan money to relatives because of exactly the experience you went through.

a reply to: lavatrance
That is a family member with some real gall. If it were me, I would take that as a clue that person doesn't really give a damn about me. Not only would I not loan them the money, I'd make sure everyone knew why when that person started bad-mouthing me to other relatives, which is likely to happen, so be prepared.

You gave them a chance and they blew it. I would not lend them another cent. They are using you, tell them to go to take out a loan at a bank. Don't cosign for them either that would be stupid. Once you cosign for a loan, they can take out more money than originally and stick you with a big bill.

You gave them a chance, they blew it. If they can't understand that, then screw them. I wouldn't give my brother or kid more money if they didn't repay a loan or at least talk to me about paying it late or make arrangements. You can't keep feeding money to someone who does not respect you.

There are some people out there that prey on people's niceness and there is usually no turning that around. They got a lot of gall asking for more money after not paying you back and saying they weren't going to.

a reply to: lavatrance

If you give them another loan, you have become an enabler. If you really care about and love this family member, you will tell them "no," as hard as that will be to do so.

Offer them other things, if you want to help, like taking them to the grocery store or buying them some gas to make it through the rough period. But do not, by any means, give them cash.

I'd have a very hard time telling them no, but it's the right thing to do, from the limited info, ESPECIALLY if the "hot water" is water that they could have avoided.

a reply to: lavatrance

It would be foolish...unless you have spare funds. By that, I mean funds which are surplus to your needs. Of course, if you have more than you could ever need, then it would merely be enabling toward your family member.

But yes, in general, it is a bloody stupid idea to give someone a whole heap of money, expecting repayment, if you have already proven that the individual is unwilling to pay you back. I think it might be wise to form some sort of intervention about this anyway, get the family together to get to the bottom of what is costing this person all this money.

You see, you offered up the most important information when you said that this individual has a decent job. Unless they are living in some palatial circumstances beyond their means, or driving a car that is worth more than the house you live in, I fail to see how anyone with a decently paid job is getting themselves into so much trouble, that they are hitting family up on the regular, and not paying it back...

UNLESS the individual concerned is into drugs, prostitutes, or gambling, I fail to see where the money is going.

Get an intervention together, with the following aims:

1) explaining that free money will not be forthcoming,

2) establishing the facts as to how the first debt was raised,

3) finding out why your money did not come back to you,

4) ending whatever cycle keeps putting your family member so far in the red, that they would hit you up for the money they "need" to survive.

A warning:

There are never good reasons why a person would screw a family member over. The chances are that this has something to do with either illegal, immoral, or plain stupid behaviour on the part of your relative. They may be mixed up in something shady, and with shady people. While I believe it is best to act to see after their long term safety, I also believe that if you do, you should prepare yourself to learn things you did not want to know, and deal with situations you might not necessarily want to deal with.

What I would not do, is offer money, or agree to provide it. Simply put, enabling gamblers, drug addicts, and those engaged in activity of a questionable nature of any sort, is not in the interests of the individual caught up in the unhealthy behaviour, despite their protestations to the contrary. If you do anything at all, other than intervene and put a stop to whatever it is that is bleeding your relative dry of funds, then do nothing.

I wish you the very best of luck

I never lend money to family members, I just give them money if i can afford it, after all they are family. I always make sure that they know that it isn`t a loan it`s a gift but in the future if they want to pay it back that`s cool.
In your case I would tell the family member " sure i`ll lend you more money, after you pay back the money i already lent you". you both agreed that it was a loan and that it was expected to be paid back.
I`m kind of shocked that the family member would even have the balls to ask you for another loan considering they never paid back the first loan.obviously they think you are an easy mark that they can hit up for free money anytime they want.

It's not necessarily nice guys having their good nature exploited by leeches. That can happen, of course. But that hasn't been my experience at all.

I've been taken for thousands over the years, and it was always by people whose friendship I was dependent on. That was the hook.

The fear was that this service would be withdrawn if my generosity stopped.

But all that's in the dim and distant past.

I no longer lend money because I'm no longer dependent on anyone's friendship.

a reply to: lavatrance

When you give money to a family member you should consider it a gift and only do it if you can afford it. There is no such thing as a family loan.

originally posted by: lavatrance

So loaning them money a second time would be stupid right???

If you expect it back, then yes, it's stupid.

However, if you just want to help them, then it's all good.

I learned long ago never to loan anyone that I know on a personal level any money that I want back. That's just how it works. If I can't afford to lose that money then I don't give them any. If I do, even a loan they promise to pay back, I give it assuming it won't come back.

Personal is personal and business is business and it's bad to mix them. Someone is always hurt.

This is my best possible advice. You are probably going to end up "loaning" the money to your family member, but you will do so knowing deep down that you were not going to get it back. When you do that he will come back again and again. This person has a problem and paying off a loan won't fix that. Had you worked this problem out the first time you would have saved yourself some money. His problem has now become your problem. So fix the problem.

a reply to: BrokedownChevy

No, his problem is his problem. Maybe it's drugs, or gambling or hookers, who knows. But that's his problem.

The OP's problem is that they feel obligated because of their relationship to keep handing money over to this person because they are in some trouble.

Now, they could solve the root problem but that's very complicated and who knows what might happen trying to do that. It could be dangerous or even cost more than simply giving them the money again. Screw that. Why should the OP take over a problem that isn't theirs???

There's really two choices. Either change the relationship where the obligation is not there and say no to loaning/giving money away is not an issue. Or give them the money. But that's about it.

Here's another option.

Be honest and say, "Hey, I loaned you money a while back and didn't get it back. I'm not sure about loaning you money again and getting nothing back. So why don't you give me _______ until you pay me back."

In that spot put something that YOU CONSIDER A FAIR EXCHANGE for the money. Then if they don't pay up, that's what you just bought with that money.

This only works if they have something to exchange of course.

It doesn't even have to be the same value, as long as you consider it fair that's what matters.

That's how I got a motorcycle from a guy who I suspected wouldn't pay me for work I was doing for him. I held on to the bike and I was right, he didn't pay up and I said thanks for the bike man and he just said ok.

We both knew it was fair. No questions needed to be asked or answered. I don't need to know why he can't pay, nothing. It was already taken care of ahead of time.