1st Post! - ATS Members, problems "fitting in" ?

originally posted by: imod02
Dear Night Star, you are the soft light that shines in our shadows, for some one to know there shadow is to know who they are, but your light stops the shadow from getting too dark and lessens the fear

You just made my day with your sweet and kind words. That was so beautiful and poetic! Thank you soooo much!!!!! HUGS!

Well ATS will welcome you as long as you fit in.

I could've written the exact same story about myself. You're not alone.

originally posted by: eletheia

As you have already stated ... This will probably be taken out of context but

hey ho here goes.

originally posted by: conflictor
Hello, this is my first post here on ATS. I have been a lurker for a while now and was waiting to get to 20 posts to start my own thread but it seems the requirement has been lowered. I just wanted to post something about "fitting in", as I've had issues with this in just about all aspects of my life including life in general, school, work, social gatherings, message boards, Facebook groups, etc...

It seems I have had this issues most of my life. Lately [I've been attempting to "take the high road" or avoid certain situations because I don't have the patience for them. In short, without writing a book about this, I am the "oddball" of my family - I've always done things much, much differently than everyone else. I am interested in different things, I am open to many more things, I think differently and I even moved 2500 miles away from them all.

At work and other social things I stick to myself/loner simply because I like to do my own thing and I don't like others small talk and drama around me. But, being work, I have to operate differently, i.e. play nice. Online, I have trouble partaking in discussion threads, message board topics, etc... where either I kill the thread, arguments are directed toward me, posts ignored, posts and comment misunderstood and taken out of context, etc...

In life in general I disagree with (seemingly) everybody I come into contact with. I have to put on a facade so as to not hurt the feelings of those who do choose to go beyond the small talk. People throughout my life, for the most part have never taken much interest in me or who/what I am including my family. Don't get me wrong, my family isn't mean to me or anything, they just don't know me or don't get me. They don't know how I operate. This could mainly be due to the fact that I moved away from them when I was 19 (34 now) and they can't visit much.

Overall, I think the reason people in general don't come my way is because I (look) like a rude/ignorant jerk and once I speak, my tone isn't what is supposed to be. I have tone issues sometimes which make people take what I say completely wrong. For example I will be 100% joking and not serious in a good mood (not often these days), make a joke and it pisses someone off and/or starts an argument. If
I don't know the person they will just avoid me altogether. People misunderstand and misread me but also never take the time to actually WANT to peel back some layers to do so (except for my wife).

I will actually go out of my way to invite people somewhere and they either deny, ignore, or tell me they will go then bail, so I've given up inviting people to do anything. Of course, I don't get invited anywhere.

First thing that struck me >>>
A LOT of I's ... me's ,,, and my's in that text.
Communication is a two way street, and you need to acknowledge that, and
show some genuine interest in others to make a connection with them.

People misunderstand and misread me but also never take the time to actually
WANT to peel back some layers to do so

Doesn't seem much like you make ANY effort in that direction toward others?

I look like a rude ignorant jerk and once I speak my tone isn't what its supposed
to be.

To be honest what does a *rude ignorant jerk* look like? and your 'tone' is what it
is ... why should you feel it isn't what it should be?

In my youth I was advised that in taking a genuine interest in others you would
loose the awkwardness in self interest and gain self confidence.

I feel very much like OP and to tell you the truth, I see no point in it as I don't want to be more like others. I don't feel really lonely, when I go out I can't wait to go back to being alone with myself. I like to contemplate and think rather than stepping over others in this war of social status.

a reply to: conflictor

I feel the same way...

a reply to: conflictor

Great to read your thread and sorry to read of your experiences. I am partially deaf and occasionally mishear so have had people thoroughly enjoying my 'deafness' since born. I did withdraw a bit as a kid but then found I slowly moved out of it when I realised that many people who not only intimidated me but II was also 'scared of their s'n-word'ing at me' were not worth my attention and slowly I developed a few very good friends. Someone told me no-one could ever count over 1 hand the number of genuine friends they had and I've found that true.
It did take me time though.

Most people have something about them that marks how their (in the physical world)'s individuality stands them out from the crowd, how you sound, look or whatever. I would say though that many from the 'crowd' are a bit shallow and don;t confront life, just 'exist' it.

To be honest anyone of a certain intelligence quickly learns to listen to what is being said and judge its content. Today's culture heroes seem to be as vacuous and vain and too ghastly and badly behaved to be bothered with. I don't doubt you will make some genuine friends on this site simply because as you're here you are looking in the right place - there's a lot of funny, clever and interesting people here.

a reply to: imod02

I think my main problem is, I am intolerant towards people who I feel are fake, or 2 faced, or who do something to people i care about or to me. I can be very unforgiving. In society, thats definitely 1 way to end up a lonely old man. The modern world, with celebrityu reality shows, twitter etc. has bred a generation of self-obsessed, selfish, people who think they know Beyonce because they follow her on Twitter. This annoys me and I dont hold back on what i think of these people. Maybe I need to keep those feelings locked up

originally posted by: MrMaybeNot



I feel very much like OP and to tell you the truth, I see no point in it as I don't want to be more like others. I don't feel really lonely, when I go out I can't wait to go back to being alone with myself. I like to contemplate and think rather than stepping over others in this war of social status.

It is nice that you are comfortable with yourself ... on the other hand there

are many who cant bare to be alone .... it takes all sorts!

I too like my own company and it can be too comfortable sometimes

so I make a concerted effort to mix, or do something for someone else, and

more often than not feel better for it for some reason. After all >>>>


To quote John Donne

*No man is an island entire of its self, every man is a piece of the Continent

a part of the main.*

Wow, lots of great posts here.... I'd love to respond to everyone individually (I am OCD about that), but I think I will just get confused, lol.

I am so happy to see that I started a good discussion and I really appreciate the warm welcome - it is refreshing.

I will refer to the quote "I am different, just like everyone else". That seems to be some viewpoints about fitting in, meaning: doesn't everyone want to fit in? With me, that's not the case. I am not trying to be different to adapt to a norm - any norm, in any sub genre of culture. I am me as much as I can be given the situation. Most of the time it just seems that it is never enough.

Thank you all for your viewpoints! So far, things are looking good here!

originally posted by: gdt26
a reply to: imod02

I think my main problem is, I am intolerant towards people who I feel are fake, or 2 faced, or who do something to people i care about or to me. I can be very unforgiving. In society, thats definitely 1 way to end up a lonely old man. The modern world, with celebrityu reality shows, twitter etc. has bred a generation of self-obsessed, selfish, people who think they know Beyonce because they follow her on Twitter. This annoys me and I dont hold back on what i think of these people. Maybe I need to keep those feelings locked up

I agree, my friend! I too am intolerant of certain things and can be very unforgiving. I am also very sick of this generation and what's coming in the future, but alas that is for another thread.

originally posted by: imod02
A lot of people here on ATS like to present them selfs as different, rebels, statements like "i understand you man". Truth of the fact is I believe very very few of the so called rebels her even know the meaning of the word, lots and lots of key board warriors here. The true price one has to pay for been a black sheep is one I would wish on no one. To have to put up with the idiots, listen to the endless yapping s is like listening to two stones been rattled in a tin can. People who pretend to be black sheep who have never stood up for any thing in there lives, and run away at the first hiccup just make me madder. To move 2500miles away from your birth place , you have balls.
Now before all the sudo warriors melt there key boards try to tear me a new one, I say to them "get a scene of humor

If you bend to make every one happy, then who are you ?, better to be a black sheep and pay the price and know who you are, for if you cannot be your self then who can you be ?
I have seen true rebels and black sheep here, you will know them as soon as they write.

I hear you, and I agree! Trust me, I am paying the price, probably why I never "fit in"

a reply to: conflictor

I think your post can apply to alot of folks here. Reading your OP sounded a hell of a lot like me.

I was adopted when I was 4 days old, raised by a different family, so I've always attributed some of my feelings of "oddballness" to that. Like you said, I think, look and act differently than them and they've never really tried to get me.

For the most part, I can make small talk and converse with people but its a very rare thing to meet someone that holds the same views that I do on most things. It seems when I meet people they mostly just want to talk about themselves. Its kinda strange because even though I have lived in a small town practically my whole life, I have very few friends or people that I socialize with. I feel like the only time I can really be myself is when I'm by myself.

As for what to do about it? Let me know if you figure something out. I find as I am getting older I tend to just shut out everyone. I know people say you're not supposed to, but I find it very difficult to relate to most people. The only person who would miss me if I dropped dead tomorrow would be my wife. Lord only knows why she has put up with me all these years. She is the only person thats ever really tried to know what it is that makes me tick.

Just know you aren't alone, theres lots of us oddballs around.

a reply to: conflictor

I just wanted to know, why does anyone care about fitting in? If somebody doesn't like you, what difference does it really make? I only moved 1500 miles away from my family and hometown, and everywhere I have been in the middle is the same. No one cares what anyone is saying, because they are essentially using the time you,or I, or anyone else is speaking to formulate a response. Before you have even made your point...I am sorry to say that the vast majority of human kind feels just like you do. That, in all its soul crushing reality, is just how life works.

There is another side to being an "outsider"

It's a method to get attention..."look at me, I'm not like you"....deal with it. Passive aggression.

And that being said....."Conformity is Cowardice"

originally posted by: cancerwarrior
a reply to: conflictor

I think your post can apply to alot of folks here. Reading your OP sounded a hell of a lot like me.

I was adopted when I was 4 days old, raised by a different family, so I've always attributed some of my feelings of "oddballness" to that. Like you said, I think, look and act differently than them and they've never really tried to get me.

For the most part, I can make small talk and converse with people but its a very rare thing to meet someone that holds the same views that I do on most things. It seems when I meet people they mostly just want to talk about themselves. Its kinda strange because even though I have lived in a small town practically my whole life, I have very few friends or people that I socialize with. I feel like the only time I can really be myself is when I'm by myself.

As for what to do about it? Let me know if you figure something out. I find as I am getting older I tend to just shut out everyone. I know people say you're not supposed to, but I find it very difficult to relate to most people. The only person who would miss me if I dropped dead tomorrow would be my wife. Lord only knows why she has put up with me all these years. She is the only person thats ever really tried to know what it is that makes me tick.

Just know you aren't alone, theres lots of us oddballs around.

I can small talk as well, I am not a jerk to people when they do this, sometimes I even joke with them. I just don't like small talk, I think it's a waste of time. Kind of like when you are flying. Why do people that sat next to or near you the entire flight not having said anything until they are ready to exit the plane, then they ask where you are going?

I too have very few friends. A few acquaintances, but only 1 or 2 friends and they don't live near me. I agree with being myself by myself.

There isn't much I do about it. I find stuff I like and do it on my own. I also tend to avoid everyone and shut them out as I don't or can't relate. Luckily we both have great wives!

originally posted by: Benderisfunny
a reply to: conflictor

I just wanted to know, why does anyone care about fitting in? If somebody doesn't like you, what difference does it really make? I only moved 1500 miles away from my family and hometown, and everywhere I have been in the middle is the same. No one cares what anyone is saying, because they are essentially using the time you,or I, or anyone else is speaking to formulate a response. Before you have even made your point...I am sorry to say that the vast majority of human kind feels just like you do. That, in all its soul crushing reality, is just how life works.

I am not sure it's a matter of caring to fit in, more an observation along the way in life showing that you don't fit in - at least for me.

I'd imagine there are more people who yearn to fit in and be included into a clique or group, than not. Everyone wants to be valued, of course, but fitting in and how to be included is different. When you seemingly have so many things different than the "normals" in society, it makes it hard in any situation to feel valued and included within that society. For example, if the majority of people agree on topic X, then we come in and argue against that - automatically we don't fit in even if we have other things in common. They expect you to conform and when you don't you are shunned. Religion, aye, different thread

a reply to: conflictor

I can understand what you are saying here, it just seems that we,as humans, care too much about what other people think of us. I guess what I should have said is, " do we really want to fit in or be accepted if we have to change who we are to accomplish it." And I realize that we all need to feel valued, or validated, I just question how far people have to go to get there. I think at this point, humanity is garbage, and societal dictates are just part of the smell.

Couple of questions:

1) how old are you?

2) do you get along better with males or females?

3) how would you describe style? How hard to you try for your style

4)? Are you a chain smoker?

originally posted by: thinline
Couple of questions:

1) how old are you?

2) do you get along better with males or females?

3) how would you describe style? How hard to you try for your style

4)? Are you a chain smoker?

1. 34

2. neither really, but closer friends are male

3. How would I describe style in general or my style? I wear jeans and a black pocket t-shirt, almost every day. I wear black slip on shoes most of the time. What "style" is that?

4. No, I don't smoke anything. Rarely drink enough to get drunk.

a reply to: conflictor

"Friends" are merely people who can benefit from knowing you at a certain time or place. As soon as a situation gets too thin for their liking, they will leave you in the dust.
Blood "family" are just people forced to be with you. They don't have to "get you". Many times they too would leave you in the dust once they find greener pastures. Especially siblings (talking from experience).

A spouse is someone who wants to be with you and wants to understand you, through thick times and thin times.

If you have a happy marriage/good spouse, then none of the stuff ur talking about should even matter. I'm in the same situation as yourself but I don't even have a wife. Count yourself lucky. But there is 1 girl special to me for years now and she's the only person who gets me and that I care about getting me. It's more than enough. Don't burden yourself with caring about ingrates, the ignorant, or superficial connections. It took me years to overcome it and to accept who/what I am. That's what I can advise now.