1st Post! - ATS Members, problems "fitting in" ?

Hello, this is my first post here on ATS. I have been a lurker for a while now and was waiting to get to 20 posts to start my own thread but it seems the requirement has been lowered. I just wanted to post something about "fitting in", as I've had issues with this in just about all aspects of my life including life in general, school, work, social gatherings, message boards, Facebook groups, etc...

It seems I have had this issues most of my life. Lately I've been attempting to "take the high road" or avoid certain situations because I don't have the patience for them. In short, without writing a book about this, I am the "oddball" of my family - I've always done things much, much differently than everyone else. I am interested in different things, I am open to many more things, I think differently and I even moved 2500 miles away from them all.

At work and other social things I stick to myself/loner simply because I like to do my own thing and I don't like others small talk and drama around me. But, being work, I have to operate differently, i.e. play nice. Online, I have trouble partaking in discussion threads, message board topics, etc... where either I kill the thread, arguments are directed toward me, posts ignored, posts and comment misunderstood and taken out of context, etc...

In life in general I disagree with (seemingly) everybody I come into contact with. I have to put on a facade so as to not hurt the feelings of those who do choose to go beyond the small talk. People throughout my life, for the most part have never taken much interest in me or who/what I am including my family. Don't get me wrong, my family isn't mean to me or anything, they just don't know me or don't get me. They don't know how I operate. This could mainly be due to the fact that I moved away from them when I was 19 (34 now) and they can't visit much.

Overall, I think the reason people in general don't come my way is because I (look) like a rude/ignorant jerk and once I speak, my tone isn't what is supposed to be. I have tone issues sometimes which make people take what I say completely wrong. For example I will be 100% joking and not serious in a good mood (not often these days), make a joke and it pisses someone off and/or starts an argument. If I don't know the person they will just avoid me altogether. People misunderstand and misread me but also never take the time to actually WANT to peel back some layers to do so (except for my wife).

I will actually go out of my way to invite people somewhere and they either deny, ignore, or tell me they will go then bail, so I've given up inviting people to do anything. Of course, I don't get invited anywhere.

Have you had similar experiences to mine? What do you do to handle it or deal with it? I am hoping to at least find an online community where others feel like I do. I think something like ATS would be the place for that. Maybe my posts/threads here won't turn into a negative experience.

Are you sure you're not me?

LOL

I can identify with all of that. It was only when I met someone really special that the reason came apparrent and she figured it out - I have aspergers - not severe but just enough to set me to one side a little bit.

Over the years I've got a handle on it through variosu coping strategies, but the first step was figuring it out. Do some reading and a few online tests - you might find something interesting out about yourself, and then you can move on from there.

Edit to add - Welcome to ATS Its like the Hotel California.

You'll be alright buddy...

Takes a while to settle in sometimes...
Even though I was accepted pretty quickly once I started posting.

I still had that lingering thought of, different-ness, but after a while you get to notice that here is probably the best place for that, characteristic.



Just chime in more often, leave no stone unturned in your quest to share your opinion, and leave a trail of shock and awe behind you, soon enough you'll be someone's favourite poster.

I have had issues like that. Especially in high school. I didn't like to follow the crowd or belong to a single clique and often purposefully spent time with people I found to be picked on.

You have picked a great online community to find like-minded individuals. You will not agree with or get along with every single person, which is to be expected. But you will get along with a majority. I find this to be a very special place. I have found that I feel included and that my contributions are valued. You will too.

That was an awesome first post!

a reply to: conflictor

Sounds like you'd fit right in at ATS tbh.

This sounds like a thread I should have started. I've nearly always had bad reactions to the things I say, the way I look etc. People are too quick to jump to the wrong conclusions and, in my case, never seem to change.

I haven't always reacted very well to people who are like this to me. Don't get me wrong. I am a good guy but people just act badly to me because I come across as confident bordering on aloof and that isn't my fault.

People who know me properly are well aware that I am a very kind, compassionate and caring person but they have seen past the apparent detached persona that I project.

Basically, my face looks a bit arrogant, I suppose and people don't like that.

originally posted by: neformore
Are you sure you're not me?

LOL

I can identify with all of that. It was only when I met someone really special that the reason came apparrent and she figured it out - I have aspergers - not severe but just enough to set me to one side a little bit.

Over the years I've got a handle on it through variosu coping strategies, but the first step was figuring it out. Do some reading and a few online tests - you might find something interesting out about yourself, and then you can move on from there.

Edit to add - Welcome to ATS

Its like the Hotel California.

Thank you! I like your avatar

I have a great wife who was sincerely interested in peeling back layers. 1 of the only in my life even though I've had other relationships.

I have coping strategies such as avoidance and taking the high road, music (I play and record my own), video games, movies, indoor stuff that doesn't include others except my wife, lol. I am not much of a reader, my mind winders too much. Some people say ADD is made up but I don't think so. What type of tests are you talking about?

a reply to: conflictor

You like to be right.

You demand proof.

You defend your position.

You speak your mind.

You regret that some people don't like it.


WELCOME HOME!

originally posted by: CharlieSpeirs
You'll be alright buddy...

Takes a while to settle in sometimes...
Even though I was accepted pretty quickly once I started posting.

I still had that lingering thought of, different-ness, but after a while you get to notice that here is probably the best place for that, characteristic.



Just chime in more often, leave no stone unturned in your quest to share your opinion, and leave a trail of shock and awe behind you, soon enough you'll be someone's favourite poster.

Glad to hear that this may be the best place for our "differences"

originally posted by: reldra
I have had issues like that. Especially in high school. I didn't like to follow the crowd or belong to a single clique and often purposefully spent time with people I found to be picked on.

You have picked a great online community to find like-minded individuals. You will not agree with or get along with every single person, which is to be expected. But you will get along with a majority. I find this to be a very special place. I have found that I feel included and that my contributions are valued. You will too.

That was an awesome first post!

I never expect to agree with anyone, let alone 1 person, lol. Never would I expect to agree with or make everybody happy. I figured this may be a place that fosters and welcomes "individuality" a little better than other specific topic sites which are very "cliquey" - I too don't follow a clique, in fact when I sense a clique I get anxious and short fused.

a reply to: conflictor

I'd also say, just like everyone else here, that many people don't 'get' me.

Let's face it. Most people cannot divorce their opinion/belief from their feelings. I mentioned once on Facebook that I was amused by a few passengers on an airplane from a specific city who were being rude and selfish. A family member took that to mean that I was insinuating that SHE and everyone from the entire STATE sucked and that I hated all 29+ million of them.

The world needs more people who can debate without fighting, communicate without being offended, and who can punch holes in all the nonsense that's being fed to us by the world today.

Yes, it makes for a lonely existence sometimes. But it's people like us who keep the world turning so everyone else can sit around and be pissed off.

originally posted by: Krazysh0t
a reply to: conflictor

Sounds like you'd fit right in at ATS tbh.

That's what I am hoping. I've been a member of a lot of different topic based message boards but even though we had the main topic in common, I was still different. I like the variety of stuff here and I could spend way too much time here. I see it a bit deeper though - lots of forums I like, but the PEOPLE posting in them are hopefully more tolerant of different opinions simply to to the inherent nature of the people using this site, if that makes sense, lol.

originally posted by: iskander683
This sounds like a thread I should have started. I've nearly always had bad reactions to the things I say, the way I look etc. People are too quick to jump to the wrong conclusions and, in my case, never seem to change.

I haven't always reacted very well to people who are like this to me. Don't get me wrong. I am a good guy but people just act badly to me because I come across as confident bordering on aloof and that isn't my fault.

People who know me properly are well aware that I am a very kind, compassionate and caring person but they have seen past the apparent detached persona that I project.

Basically, my face looks a bit arrogant, I suppose and people don't like that.

I totally understand what you are saying! Perhaps I come off as "smug", but it may just be confident with a little "I told you so" thrown in, lol. I've always said, if people took the time to get to know me they just might like me. Problem is that's a huge hurdle and big inconvenience for most people to do so.. Their loss right? So happy to see others feeling like me.

originally posted by: emsed1
a reply to: conflictor

You like to be right.

You demand proof.

You defend your position.

You speak your mind.

You regret that some people don't like it.


WELCOME HOME!

Holy crap, pretty much spot on!

originally posted by: emsed1
a reply to: conflictor

I'd also say, just like everyone else here, that many people don't 'get' me.

Let's face it. Most people cannot divorce their opinion/belief from their feelings. I mentioned once on Facebook that I was amused by a few passengers on an airplane from a specific city who were being rude and selfish. A family member took that to mean that I was insinuating that SHE and everyone from the entire STATE sucked and that I hated all 29+ million of them.

The world needs more people who can debate without fighting, communicate without being offended, and who can punch holes in all the nonsense that's being fed to us by the world today.

Yes, it makes for a lonely existence sometimes. But it's people like us who keep the world turning so everyone else can sit around and be pissed off.

Couldn't agree more! I've had similar examples. They need more people like "us" in power

a reply to: conflictor

OK. Bear in mind this isn't me giving you medical advice, but heres some stuff to ponder

www.webmd.com...
www.lifeonthespectrum.net...

You might find out something interesting about yourself.

a reply to: conflictor

Online, I have trouble partaking in discussion threads, message board topics, etc... where either I kill the thread, arguments are directed toward me, posts ignored, posts and comment misunderstood and taken out of context, etc...

This can and does happen quite frequently here. Don't take it personal. Sometimes, people miss a post, or they just don't have anything else to say. Other times, it may very well be they're angry, or don't like you. Just like real life. Like I said. Don't take it personal. It can take a while to get the hang of ATS. Take your time. Crawl>Walk>Run.

Welcome to the jungle.

a reply to: conflictor

Mate (or lady mate!), people like us just need to understand that other people are more shallow than us and it really is their loss.

People SHOULD take the time to get to know other people but it doesn't always happen. I must admit that I sometimes judge people on the way they look, even though I get p*ssed off when people do that to me! That's us humans, I suppose.

conflictor
Welcome to the group that thinks just like you do.
With the trauma of a head injury and life events I'm a few steps off what people think I should be. I don't follow traditional western beliefs and my sarcasm drives some people away from me. Other than that I have a close friend who accepts me for who I am and all is good.

a reply to: conflictor
It takes all sorts,and all sorts end up here.
Don't fret dude,like Krazyshot said,you will fit right in here.

Welcome home.