1st Post! - ATS Members, problems "fitting in" ?

I can identify with everything the op said.

My post history here says enough . I've been coming to this site almost everyday since 2003 and finally registered in 2005.

a reply to: conflictor

I don't really fit in anywhere either. Even when people first meet me they think I'm weird. Oh well. No skin off my nose.

originally posted by: neformore
a reply to: conflictor

OK. Bear in mind this isn't me giving you medical advice, but heres some stuff to ponder

www.webmd.com...
www.lifeonthespectrum.net...

You might find out something interesting about yourself.

Thanks!

As you have already stated ... This will probably be taken out of context but

hey ho here goes.

originally posted by: conflictor
Hello, this is my first post here on ATS. I have been a lurker for a while now and was waiting to get to 20 posts to start my own thread but it seems the requirement has been lowered. I just wanted to post something about "fitting in", as I've had issues with this in just about all aspects of my life including life in general, school, work, social gatherings, message boards, Facebook groups, etc...

It seems I have had this issues most of my life. Lately [I've been attempting to "take the high road" or avoid certain situations because I don't have the patience for them. In short, without writing a book about this, I am the "oddball" of my family - I've always done things much, much differently than everyone else. I am interested in different things, I am open to many more things, I think differently and I even moved 2500 miles away from them all.

At work and other social things I stick to myself/loner simply because I like to do my own thing and I don't like others small talk and drama around me. But, being work, I have to operate differently, i.e. play nice. Online, I have trouble partaking in discussion threads, message board topics, etc... where either I kill the thread, arguments are directed toward me, posts ignored, posts and comment misunderstood and taken out of context, etc...

In life in general I disagree with (seemingly) everybody I come into contact with. I have to put on a facade so as to not hurt the feelings of those who do choose to go beyond the small talk. People throughout my life, for the most part have never taken much interest in me or who/what I am including my family. Don't get me wrong, my family isn't mean to me or anything, they just don't know me or don't get me. They don't know how I operate. This could mainly be due to the fact that I moved away from them when I was 19 (34 now) and they can't visit much.

Overall, I think the reason people in general don't come my way is because I (look) like a rude/ignorant jerk and once I speak, my tone isn't what is supposed to be. I have tone issues sometimes which make people take what I say completely wrong. For example I will be 100% joking and not serious in a good mood (not often these days), make a joke and it pisses someone off and/or starts an argument. If
I don't know the person they will just avoid me altogether. People misunderstand and misread me but also never take the time to actually WANT to peel back some layers to do so (except for my wife).

I will actually go out of my way to invite people somewhere and they either deny, ignore, or tell me they will go then bail, so I've given up inviting people to do anything. Of course, I don't get invited anywhere.

First thing that struck me >>>
A LOT of I's ... me's ,,, and my's in that text.
Communication is a two way street, and you need to acknowledge that, and
show some genuine interest in others to make a connection with them.

People misunderstand and misread me but also never take the time to actually
WANT to peel back some layers to do so

Doesn't seem much like you make ANY effort in that direction toward others?

I look like a rude ignorant jerk and once I speak my tone isn't what its supposed
to be.

To be honest what does a *rude ignorant jerk* look like? and your 'tone' is what it
is ... why should you feel it isn't what it should be?

In my youth I was advised that in taking a genuine interest in others you would
loose the awkwardness in self interest and gain self confidence.

originally posted by: Klassified
a reply to: conflictor

Online, I have trouble partaking in discussion threads, message board topics, etc... where either I kill the thread, arguments are directed toward me, posts ignored, posts and comment misunderstood and taken out of context, etc...

This can and does happen quite frequently here. Don't take it personal. Sometimes, people miss a post, or they just don't have anything else to say. Other times, it may very well be they're angry, or don't like you. Just like real life. Like I said. Don't take it personal. It can take a while to get the hang of ATS. Take your time. Crawl>Walk>Run.

Welcome to the jungle.

Yup, understood. Starting slow with only this thread, learning functions of site/profile/avatar, etc...

originally posted by: eletheia

As you have already stated ... This will probably be taken out of context but

hey ho here goes.

originally posted by: conflictor
Hello, this is my first post here on ATS. I have been a lurker for a while now and was waiting to get to 20 posts to start my own thread but it seems the requirement has been lowered. I just wanted to post something about "fitting in", as I've had issues with this in just about all aspects of my life including life in general, school, work, social gatherings, message boards, Facebook groups, etc...

It seems I have had this issues most of my life. Lately [I've been attempting to "take the high road" or avoid certain situations because I don't have the patience for them. In short, without writing a book about this, I am the "oddball" of my family - I've always done things much, much differently than everyone else. I am interested in different things, I am open to many more things, I think differently and I even moved 2500 miles away from them all.

At work and other social things I stick to myself/loner simply because I like to do my own thing and I don't like others small talk and drama around me. But, being work, I have to operate differently, i.e. play nice. Online, I have trouble partaking in discussion threads, message board topics, etc... where either I kill the thread, arguments are directed toward me, posts ignored, posts and comment misunderstood and taken out of context, etc...

In life in general I disagree with (seemingly) everybody I come into contact with. I have to put on a facade so as to not hurt the feelings of those who do choose to go beyond the small talk. People throughout my life, for the most part have never taken much interest in me or who/what I am including my family. Don't get me wrong, my family isn't mean to me or anything, they just don't know me or don't get me. They don't know how I operate. This could mainly be due to the fact that I moved away from them when I was 19 (34 now) and they can't visit much.

Overall, I think the reason people in general don't come my way is because I (look) like a rude/ignorant jerk and once I speak, my tone isn't what is supposed to be. I have tone issues sometimes which make people take what I say completely wrong. For example I will be 100% joking and not serious in a good mood (not often these days), make a joke and it pisses someone off and/or starts an argument. If
I don't know the person they will just avoid me altogether. People misunderstand and misread me but also never take the time to actually WANT to peel back some layers to do so (except for my wife).

I will actually go out of my way to invite people somewhere and they either deny, ignore, or tell me they will go then bail, so I've given up inviting people to do anything. Of course, I don't get invited anywhere.

First thing that struck me >>>
A LOT of I's ... me's ,,, and my's in that text.
Communication is a two way street, and you need to acknowledge that, and
show some genuine interest in others to make a connection with them.

People misunderstand and misread me but also never take the time to actually
WANT to peel back some layers to do so

Doesn't seem much like you make ANY effort in that direction toward others?

I look like a rude ignorant jerk and once I speak my tone isn't what its supposed
to be.

To be honest what does a *rude ignorant jerk* look like? and your 'tone' is what it
is ... why should you feel it isn't what it should be?

In my youth I was advised that in taking a genuine interest in others you would
loose the awkwardness in self interest and gain self confidence.

Yup, out of context. Lots of I's and Me's because, well this thread is about me and how I feel.

"Communication is a two way street, and you need to acknowledge that, and
show some genuine interest in others to make a connection with them." - Yes. I know this. And I have, and I do. This is not received in return.

"Doesn't seem much like you make ANY effort in that direction toward others?" - Nope, not anymore. I used to. I am jaded and don't have much faith in people these days. I feel it's no longer worth my effort.

"To be honest what does a *rude ignorant jerk* look like? and your 'tone' is what it
is ... why should you feel it isn't what it should be?" - Ever hear of "bitchy resting face"? Or body language may be standoffish - albeit unknowingly or involuntarily. I don't feel that my tone isn't what it's supposed to be, it is what it is and most people don't like it.

Every single person on the planet feels the same way?

A lot of people here on ATS like to present them selfs as different, rebels, statements like "i understand you man". Truth of the fact is I believe very very few of the so called rebels her even know the meaning of the word, lots and lots of key board warriors here. The true price one has to pay for been a black sheep is one I would wish on no one. To have to put up with the idiots, listen to the endless yapping s is like listening to two stones been rattled in a tin can. People who pretend to be black sheep who have never stood up for any thing in there lives, and run away at the first hiccup just make me madder. To move 2500miles away from your birth place , you have balls.
Now before all the sudo warriors melt there key boards try to tear me a new one, I say to them "get a scene of humor

If you bend to make every one happy, then who are you ?, better to be a black sheep and pay the price and know who you are, for if you cannot be your self then who can you be ?
I have seen true rebels and black sheep here, you will know them as soon as they write.

I seem to have trouble, making and keeping friends. Over time I have decided that since I am the common denominator here, it must be me who causes this. Due to massive changes in my personal life in the last year,I have worked on correcting this, and have become more tolerant of others. Sometimes other people arent the problem.

a reply to: conflictor

ATS is very much like the real world with some people that you will just have a personality conflict with.
There are plenty of people here that I just don't like, they don't like me and I avoid them if at all possible.
And many I consider friendly adversaries.

Some members make the comparison of ATS being a community. Well not quite....It's broken down into various cliques, factions,
ideologies, tribes, with a huge contingent of authoritarian types and plenty of contrarians/ debunkers at the ready to take the opposite view of any and everything and the accompanying Fan boys lurking around any popular group or poster.

But for pure entertainment value, a few incredible creative thinkers, cutting edge news, and a resource for those of us looking for
fresh ideas, .....ATS is a gold mine

originally posted by: gdt26
I seem to have trouble, making and keeping friends. Over time I have decided that since I am the common denominator here, it must be me who causes this. Due to massive changes in my personal life in the last year,I have worked on correcting this, and have become more tolerant of others. Sometimes other people arent the problem.

We are all different, we all want to fit in, yes its very easy to feel that you are at fault, perhaps you are. But consider this, perhaps you are sure who you are, perhaps you have the courage to be who you are, that makes people feel uneasy around you as almost everyone want to be them selfs but fears rejection so they live a empty life filled with dull colours, and come to hate anyone who live life. Every thing has a price that has to be paid

originally posted by: olaru12
a reply to: conflictor

ATS is very much like the real world with some people that you will just have a personality conflict with.
There are plenty of people here that I just don't like, they don't like me and I avoid them if at all possible.
And many I consider friendly adversaries.

Some members make the comparison of ATS being a community. Well not quite....It's broken down into various cliques, factions,
ideologies, tribes, with a huge contingent of authoritarian types and plenty of contrarians/ debunkers at the ready to take the opposite view of any and everything and the accompanying Fan boys lurking around any popular group or poster.

But for pure entertainment value, a few incredible creative thinkers, cutting edge news, and a resource for those of us looking for
fresh ideas, .....ATS is a gold mine
Very very well said

originally posted by: imod02

originally posted by: olaru12
a reply to: conflictor

ATS is very much like the real world with some people that you will just have a personality conflict with.
There are plenty of people here that I just don't like, they don't like me and I avoid them if at all possible.
And many I consider friendly adversaries.

Some members make the comparison of ATS being a community. Well not quite....It's broken down into various cliques, factions,
ideologies, tribes, with a huge contingent of authoritarian types and plenty of contrarians/ debunkers at the ready to take the opposite view of any and everything and the accompanying Fan boys lurking around any popular group or poster.

But for pure entertainment value, a few incredible creative thinkers, cutting edge news, and a resource for those of us looking for
fresh ideas, .....ATS is a gold mine


Very very well said

a reply to: olaru12

So true that ATS is a gold mine, but as with any gold mine you have to shovel a hell off a lot of shi# before you find the nuggets of gold

Welcome here and look forward to hearing more from you in the future. I have also never fit in and I hold that as my best trait. Do not judge yourself as the problem or even think that there is a problem. Just be yourself and understand that you are fine (as long as you are not intentionally hurting people). You may find that there is no way to really fit in in ATS as there will always be someone that feels as strongly or stronger about a point of view different from yours. Use the opportunity to work on your acceptance of their point of view and your development of what works for you best.

Good Luck on ATS!

I understand your post completely. I have never fit in my whole life. I have the ability to appear normal for a short period of time, but eventually people will detect my 'oddness'. I have some close friends and family, but it takes awhile to get to know me and understand my idiosyncrasies. Here at ATS you do have time to measure your responses so I guess I would recommend you read your posts before hitting 'reply'.

Good luck and welcome!

That is one thing I love about the people here, they're all different and some are kinda crazy, but they are anything but boring. I think you'll be just fine and fit right in.

Dear Night Star, you are the soft light that shines in our shadows, for some one to know there shadow is to know who they are, but your light stops the shadow from getting too dark and lessens the fear

originally posted by: Night Star
That is one thing I love about the people here, they're all different and some are kinda crazy, but they are anything but boring. I think you'll be just fine and fit right in.

Very true Night Star.
Great pic!

a reply to: conflictor

That's what forums are for.