Is there a guy out there who doesn't cheat?

a reply to: TealFox

Hi there!

Sorry to hear you having a hard time in your relationship.

I have NEVER cheated on a woman. Relationships are sacred to me. Having been on the receiving end I know what damage it does to a person's confidence and ability to trust. I would not even take a woman from another guy. I respect guys and girls far too much for that.

Be careful because this can damage your sense of self worth and your confidence plus ability to trust in the future. Lord knows it did that to me. You are not the one at fault. Even if you are not as sexual as your BF it is not your fault. No woman or man should feel pressured to have sex for any reason at all. Any good guy would respect you and your wishes.

I know so many good guys who have never cheated on their partners. I promise you they are out there in huge numbers. If you are a woman who would never consider cheating then you DESERVE a good man. Don't lower your expectations and don't put up with cheating partners. That is a mighty bad deal.

Remember you can take control of the situation and lay the law down. Assertiveness encourages respect. Show strength. Door mats are only good for one thing and that is for walking over. You will be surprised how you can bring a man to heel by giving a strict ultimatum. I've seen that work. If your partner does not respond then it's hit the road Jack and don't ya come back! In this day and age women don't have to be lonesome for too long.

Hope you can bring your partner round to your way of thinking. Failing that, move on Dear Honest Lady. You are worth your weight in gold.

I signed in at 5am especially to write this for YOU!

Big Respect.

originally posted by: TealFox
Hello!
embarrassing as it is, this is my first post.

I'm just not feeling happy in my relationship because I'm pretty sure my bf is cheating on me.
I just don't get it...I treated him so good and let him do whatever he wants. I stayed faithful and trusting...but he can't do the same.

I am sorry for your embarrassment. You are safe here though.
You let him "do whatever he wants"
That just sounds like you are being way too nice, and not setting up good boundries.

I cheated once to end a relationship.
I told her that morning.

I won't ever do that again. I can still feel her pain sometimes, when I go there.

I can't tell you anything about YOUR boyfriend. Maybe the guy is a tool? I don't know that.


I wish my record was spotless, but I admit to it any chance I get... I will Never go back there. As it turns out I did the right thing breaking up with my ex, I just did it in such a weak scardy cat way..

Good guys who are #ing amazing DO Exist.
You sound like you deserve one of the good ones.

Once the trust goes, it's REAL hard to get back. I don't know if you have a reason to want to trust this guy. It sounds like you shouldn't. That's a complete guess, and this is all based on the first vague post.

I'm saying, END it.

a reply to: Klassified
I gave you the first stars. For you are on the right page.....period.
There are literally millions of couples that don't belong together.
People 'settle'. And its sad.
People should get themselves right, mentally before they go lookn for a serious relationship.
People should think 'teammate'.
It certainly ain't always about appearance, wealth, or popularity.

OP..........run.
Think and know that your a soldier, warrior, Tyrannosaurus Rex. Don't be scared. You WILL find your teammate.
Maybe not today or tomorrow....but YOU WILL. You don't need 'LUCK'. YOU GOT THIS SH!T.

a reply to: RoadCourse
For the record, I speak from experience.
I feel if I can do it, since I'ma dipsh!t.....anybody can.

a reply to: TealFox

I know I will never cheat ever again.
So I know for sure there are guys who will never do it once.

You can count on that.

a reply to: TealFox

Well, first off, you have to look at the reasons you don't trust him. Are they real, or are you reading too much into things? I'd recommend making a list, and sitting down with him to discuss it. Be willing to listen when you do this, and accept reasonable explanations that could be offered. The counseling could be a good place to start with this. If you truly care about him, then give the relationship a chance, and put in the effort to get through whatever issues you are having right now. Even if he isn't cheating, there is clearly some issue, for you to be willing to consider that.

Yes, there are plenty of guys that don't cheat, same as there are plenty of women that don't. Cheating isn't the exclusive domain of men.

Relationships need to have trust, and you will have to learn to trust someone, in order to have a real relationship.

Good lord you sound like you are trying to be his mother...STOP. Treat him like a man, stop combing his hair and stop picking his clothes out for him. Stop treating him like a child.

a reply to: TealFox

Been married 18 years and didn't cheat so yes it's out there.



For the record I left (without being engaged/seeing or doing anything with another woman) because I couldn't breathe anymore but that's another story...

I did go to counceling, and even if it failed, it set the records straight for me and helped making my mind so I suggest you go. You may be all wrong on the 'why' and I've seen couples succeed. Don't be shy and ask the true questions there: you may get surprising answers.

IF you split and want to avoid cheaters there is a tell-tale : that's an habit so look in their past, and listen carefully. One girl I dated recently just told me she met me online few hours after she went diner with another guy. Guess what? She did the same a few months later.



I which you well, and always remember that you are worthy enough not to accept the unacceptable.

a reply to: TealFox

By the way..

You sound Awesome..

Find a MUCH better guy. Or whatever..

I did cheat but after losing the one I loved because of it I've not cheated since. I guess a guys gotta learn his lesson somehow and find a guy that isn't that into social media! It only adds drama

I had it done to me when I was 21 with me wife and my best mate since the age of 4.
So I will never do it.
My 2nd didn't but my third did for a whole year I only found out after I had signed it all over to her.
Oh one tip never get back with a cheater.

a reply to: TealFox

Hello. Cheating is for the scared. Nice to meet you.

a reply to: TealFox

I don't know why they do it. I've had it done to me and it hurts and it sucks.

originally posted by: RealTruthSeeker
Trust me, counseling is not going to work, he'll probably just get pissed off. Most guys cheat because there is something they are just not getting from their girlfriend. Usually it's a sex thing. If he is a highly sexual person and your so so then that might be a problem for him. He might think your just not giving him what he wants, when he wants and how he wants.

Sounds like HE is in a relationship with himself .... I always believed

a *relationship* was a two way thing!! a bit of give and take wouldn't go amiss!!

If it's not about sex and you guys do your thing regularly then I'm not sure what it could be. But as a guy and talking with most of my guy friends, sex is usually always the reason. You know how guys are, they want it all the time, (I speak from experience of course, lol).

Yea ... Get yourselves a hobby, a bit of DIY ??

There are plenty of guys who do not cheat. Both bad boys and nice guys. The bad boys are much more likely to cheat but they can be faithful. Nice guys are less likely to cheat but they still sometimes cheat. Guys like to hunt. What excites them is the chase.

All guys, if they see someone they find attractive. They will want that person. This is hardwired into our brains. Any guy who tells you different is a liar. That girl walking down the street that you caught him looking at. He wants to have sex with her. That girl in the movie or commercial that you caught him ogling. He wants to have sex with her. The girl in the online adult video you found in his browser. He wants to have sex with her. And on and on. The men that never cheat can just control themselves better. Because either they just have a strong moral center. Or because they have been cheated on and know how it feels.

Personally I am a serial monogamist. I will only have sex with a girl if we are in a committed relationship. The number of people I have slept with in my life is lower than anyone else I know, male or female. But even though my number is lower my actual love life has been more exciting and varied than anyone else I know. So go figure. I have always liked being in relationships. I do not like being single and dating multiple women. I do not like one night stands. I have never had a one night stand. I have never cheated. I almost did, plenty of times. The closest its come was when I found out my ex was cheating on me, a lot, even while pregnant with our child. But I still did not cheat. Why didn't I cheat. I do not really know. The only reason I can give. Is because I thought going tit for tat was petty. Plus I know how it feels to be cheated on.

I have had a few ex's cheat on me. I was devastated every time. But the problem was me, not them. I have a fondness for weird, wild, red headed, curvy, bisexual, hippie chicks. Not that all weird, wild, red headed, curvy, bisexual, hippie chicks are cheaters. But my ex's that were, cheated, and I knew the kind of people they were when I went out with them. I knew they were wild and crazy. That was what turned me on. I had a lot of fun before the heartbreak. But the heartbreak was always inevitable.

So I changed my patterns. I stopped looking for wild girls and got myself a nice girl. I am happier than ever. But now I have to deal with the fact that compared to her. I am the one with the wild past and more experience, even though she is older. I do not like to lie to the people I love. So I dumbly gave her an honest answer to everything she asked about my past. So I constantly have to reaffirm that she is what I want. That she is not boring and that what I want is her and only her. But I can tell she does not believe me. So that is something we have to keep working on. Because all relationships are hard work.

So where am I going with all this rambling. Deep down did you know what type of guy he was. Is that why you know he is cheating. Because you know deep down in your soul what type of guy he is. But you thought you could change him. You thought, with me. He will be different. I only ask because sometimes we are attracted to that which destroys us. Like a moth to a flame.

originally posted by: TealFox


I treat him so good....making him awesome meals, styling his hair for him, buying him clothes, making sure he has everything before he leaves the house, making him art, trying new things (sexually), just loving him for who he is...

Does he need a second "Mother"?

There's much to be said for the saying "Treat them mean to keep them keen"

originally posted by: Klassified


I have seen too many relationships break down and die over nothing but lack of trust. If you don't trust him, and he isn't able or willing to allay your fears. It's over. The longer you two stay together, the worse the breakup is gonna be.

Just my opinion .... *Trust is more important than love*....

For without trust there can be no love,

but with trust love has room to flourish?

He'd need to speak for himself, but I really don't think my husband (of 24 years) has cheated.
Though at my age, and the time we've been together, I have told him that I would most likely understand if he did. He travels a lot for work, he is alone in fancy hotels at night- he spend his evenings sending me text messages, calling or sending me photos of himself wherever he is (his meal, his room, him in his scrubs...).
I often think he must get so lonely, I wouldn't hold it against him if he embraced the company of a woman who would offer it. I empathize with him, so....his happiness is mine, his loneliness is mine too.

I just ended up thinking that I simply don't want to cheat (though I get opportunities too) for my own sense of security. I get scared at the thought of confusing my love life and making it complicated that way. Maybe that is typically feminine, I don't know- but MY choice has nothing to do with HIS.

When I was young, I had some vague notion that my being loyal sexually had to be paid in kind by his behavior, and I just don't feel that way now.

But he has a personality like mine, and like having a solid base relationship that makes him feel secure, and gets his sense of confidence, and excitement, from other things in the world. He has a passion for meeting people, learning new things, and has many hobbies.

I was once with a man that could not be monogamous, and we both knew it and even discussed it. I'd known him for years before we started going out and had watched him cheat on other girlfriends. He loved me and wanted to learn to not do that. I was young and naive and thought I could put on my psychotherapy cap and aid him.
His problem was that he gained his self image, esteem and confidence almost entirely from his ability to seduce women.
He had no other hobbies or interests, he percieved no other skills or qualities about himself, other than that ability.

NOT doing it made his self confidence drain away slowly. We tried finding him things he was interested in- got him into some classes at night college, I tried setting up evenings and outings for him to bring together his male friends, who he tended to neglect also, in his obsession with women, we came up with methods to try and give himself confidence (like repeating a mantra through the day, giving himself positive reinforcement).

It didn't work. The pull to seduce was too strong and I ended up finding make up on my pillow when I came home from work, strange sets of keys in the livingroom, girls who would knock on the door, but then get scared and pretend they had the wrong apartment when I opened the door, phone ringing but hanging up on the other end when I answered.

We talked and talked, and he basically decided the attempt to do differently was impossible and I had to get used to him sleeping with others. He came up with a huge theory about men not being capable of monogamy, women not capable of anything else, and I'd have to just sleep on the couch with our baby the nights he had women over.
-And if I was truly mature, I would be okay with this.

That was when I decided I could not do this and I left.

But it was a good experience in terms of gaining some insight into how some men feel and think. Not all are the same, but he really DID love me, it was just that love and sex were not the same thing for him. Though sex didn't seem to be the problem we were very active that way, it was more the need for conquest, and boosting for his ego- which no amount of love from one woman could do entirely.

If you are trying to win his loyalty by being a martyr and servant, I am guessing it won't work. It might even make the problem worse.

One thing I learned from the french women.... that "thing" they have that men find so attractive? Mystery. Never being completely "conquered". They makes sure there is always more to them that is hidden that their man can seek out, explore and conquer.

Good luck to you!

a reply to: Bluesma

Wow. You are one of the most well-adjusted human beings I've seen on ATS.

My wife and I have similar views but neither of us have ever thought it would be worth the stress or inevitable (even if unintentional) jealousy. Only we can define our marriage and we love it that way. Who knows what shenanigans we'll get into when we're a bit wrinkly and have more time on our hands.

a reply to: Bluesma

You have the best posts ever. By "posts" I mean.. You have so many things to say that are so truthful to yourself.. You, I don't know what the words are. Your post had me listening the entire time without me trying to prove you wrong in my head.

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