Harry Potter gets a Christian makeover from woman who doesn’t want her kids to ‘become witches�

a reply to: Not Authorized

I think the point was to let her child read harry potter and not be exposed to all that "nasty" witchcraft and sorcery. Though the story is so different that it might as well be a new story. It's hard to grow attached to the characters when they are acting out a different story than the source material and I think that is lost on the mother in her attempt to shelter her child.

a reply to: Krazysh0t

Jesus, when Christians go off the deep end they get nuttier than squirrel poo!

a reply to: Krazysh0t

I know. But considering content of her religious base and book, Harry Potter should be the least of her worries. :-) At least Harry was a good guy.

Is she going to edit the Old Testament next? The Book of Judges, has plenty of grotesque content she should be worried that kids may read.

a reply to: Not Authorized

She reminds me of Ned Flanders.

originally posted by: Krazysh0t
Harry Potter gets a Christian makeover from woman who doesn’t want her kids to ‘become witches’. Crikey

So this is some pretty funny stuff. I'm having trouble figuring out if this is a satirical fanfiction or this is really a deluded mother trying to shield her child from withcraft while letting them finally "enjoy" Harry Potter. Read on and decide for yourself.

Ever thought that Harry Potter might be that bit better if it didn’t have all those pesky wizards and witches in it? Nope, didn’t think so.

However one woman clearly disagrees, so much so that she’s taken it upon herself to write an all-new version of JK Rowling’s best-seller for her kids – one which doesn’t feature quite the same levels of sorcery.

The woman in question – a conservative Christian who goes by the name of Grace Ann – has already published the first seven chapters of her opus on Fanfiction.net, claiming she is rewriting the book for her children in a bid to keep them from the dark side.

She explains: ‘My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I’m happy for them to be reading, but I don’t want them turning in to witches!

‘So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So here it is!’

The text is even crazier. Here is another link to the same story (this one thinks its too ridiculous to be serious and I don't blame the author of the article for thinking that).
Mom's Evangelical Christian Rewrite of Harry Potter CANNOT Be Real

Here's when Hagrid, spreading the Lord's word, first arrives at the Dursleys, only two discover that Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon are Dawkins-thumping atheists:

Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

"Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."

Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.

"Well then prove it!"

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

Whelp that cinches it! Aunt Petunia can't prove evolution on the spot, therefore Hagrid is smarter and Christianity is true. Here's some more:

After Hagrid so expertly proves that God exists, he convinces Harry to travel to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles using the power of prayer. There, they meet Reverend Albus Dumbledore and his lovely wife Minerva (!!!), who kindly invite Harry to join them for dinner along with their beautiful, "modest," and "obedient" daughter Hermione Granger, who — inexplicably — has a different last name from the rest of her family.

"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.

"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"

"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.

"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"

Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.

and this:

That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.

"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"

There are more gems like this in the article so read it and get a laugh. To be honest, I'm not sure how someone would give their child a heavily edited version of a book and pretend like it is the same thing.

Wow. It's got to be satire. This is grade A trolling, right?

originally posted by: Kryties

originally posted by: intrepid

I REALLY could have done without that character. It was needed though with the teenage angst thingie. She annoyed me.

I'm not minding her so much now...

Thank Cuthulu that she's an adult now and we can think naughty thoughts about her.

a reply to: Krazysh0t

Hahaha. I can certainly see why. :-) Is the Age of Ted Flanders being drawn to a close finally?

originally posted by: NavyDoc

naughty

Requoted for truth

a reply to: NavyDoc

I'm not sure. If it is satire then it is brilliant. If it isn't then it is single digit IQ stupid.

originally posted by: Krazysh0t
a reply to: NavyDoc

I'm not sure. If it is satire then it is brilliant. If it isn't then it is single digit IQ stupid.

I've never understood that dynamic--that fantasy literature is statanic or that the cultural tradition of Halloween is about devil worship. Of course, my background was a combination of Orthodox and Roman Catholicism and this stuff seems to be from the more evangelical types, so I was never exposed to it as a kid.

By this lady's standards, one of the greatest Christian Allegorial Tales, the writings of C. S. Lewis, would be "promoting witchcraft" and that's just nuts.

Although I do not think much of J.K. Rowling as a writer, in her books she promotes ideas and ideals that one would think a Christian would support--honestly, integrity, perseverance, loyalty, and doing the right thing no matter how crappy the odds. The fantasy aspect is really just a means to tell the tale, the actual message lies in the development of the characters.

a reply to: NavyDoc

Keep in mind that back in the 80's Christian fanatics all thought that D&D was corrupting their children. So the idea of fantasy being the tool of the devil to these people isn't a new thing.

originally posted by: Krazysh0t
a reply to: NavyDoc

Keep in mind that back in the 80's Christian fanatics all thought that D&D was corrupting their children. So the idea of fantasy being the tool of the devil to these people isn't a new thing.

I remember. It was that whole Jack Chick thing. I remember the mom of one of our playgroup getting all worried about spells. She didn't seem to be able to understand that "spells" in D&D were saying "I use my prismatic spray spell" and we rolled the dice to see if it worked. She sincerely thought there was chanting and incense and talking in Latin. If we did all of that for a single spell, a single encounter would take all damn night. Ain't nobody have time for that.

originally posted by: NavyDoc
She sincerely thought there was chanting and incense and talking in Latin.

What's funny is people being surprised military guys play D&D. When I was in, it was fairly new and a nice change from playing spades

a reply to: NavyDoc

I have a few Jack Chick comics i parody for the hell of it