Harry Potter gets a Christian makeover from woman who doesn’t want her kids to ‘become witches�

Harry Potter gets a Christian makeover from woman who doesn’t want her kids to ‘become witches’. Crikey

So this is some pretty funny stuff. I'm having trouble figuring out if this is a satirical fanfiction or this is really a deluded mother trying to shield her child from withcraft while letting them finally "enjoy" Harry Potter. Read on and decide for yourself.

Ever thought that Harry Potter might be that bit better if it didn’t have all those pesky wizards and witches in it? Nope, didn’t think so.

However one woman clearly disagrees, so much so that she’s taken it upon herself to write an all-new version of JK Rowling’s best-seller for her kids – one which doesn’t feature quite the same levels of sorcery.

The woman in question – a conservative Christian who goes by the name of Grace Ann – has already published the first seven chapters of her opus on Fanfiction.net, claiming she is rewriting the book for her children in a bid to keep them from the dark side.

She explains: ‘My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I’m happy for them to be reading, but I don’t want them turning in to witches!

‘So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly? And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So here it is!’

The text is even crazier. Here is another link to the same story (this one thinks its too ridiculous to be serious and I don't blame the author of the article for thinking that).
Mom's Evangelical Christian Rewrite of Harry Potter CANNOT Be Real

Here's when Hagrid, spreading the Lord's word, first arrives at the Dursleys, only two discover that Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon are Dawkins-thumping atheists:

Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?"

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

"Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."

Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.

"Well then prove it!"

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

Whelp that cinches it! Aunt Petunia can't prove evolution on the spot, therefore Hagrid is smarter and Christianity is true. Here's some more:

After Hagrid so expertly proves that God exists, he convinces Harry to travel to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles using the power of prayer. There, they meet Reverend Albus Dumbledore and his lovely wife Minerva (!!!), who kindly invite Harry to join them for dinner along with their beautiful, "modest," and "obedient" daughter Hermione Granger, who — inexplicably — has a different last name from the rest of her family.

"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.

"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"

"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently; and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes.

"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully; and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?"

Harry blushed shyly; and got to his feet. His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks; but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair. Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.

and this:

That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.

"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"

There are more gems like this in the article so read it and get a laugh. To be honest, I'm not sure how someone would give their child a heavily edited version of a book and pretend like it is the same thing.

Wow, crazy!!!

I remember hearing that fundamentalists thought the books were evil. But this hurts my brain...

Thanks for sharing this.

a reply to: Elton

Yea. It's so ridiculous that it borders into unintentional satire territory. Heck, it may just be worth it to read to get a huge laugh at the craziness and how far it diverged from the source material.

a reply to: Krazysh0t

So you are upset by her intolerance towards none Christians. Are you being tolerant towards her views. The world needs diversity and truth be told more acceptance. So what if she is a religious nut.




Here is a simple rule everyone should try and live by.....You have the right to do whatever you want as long as it does not infringe on anothers rights to do the same. Simple and when you see the world this way many things that used to upset you wash away.

a reply to: Krazysh0t

That's hilarious...

A little too hilarious if you ask me.

I dunno if I'm just jaded (which is highly likely) or the author of those excerpts you provided is incredibly fervent regarding her faith but... it seems like this is a deftly crafted work of satirical fanfic.

If it is genuine, however, all I have to say is "wow"...

Kallisti

a reply to: SubTruth

What are you talking about? Where did I say I was upset? I'm just posting this article and information, said it was crazy and am not sure if it satire or not. At no point did I suggest that my freedoms were being infringed or anything or that she wasn't allowed to write this. Why are you even going down that road to begin with?

Wha....wha....what...?!

No, this doesn't seem fake to me. I've met people that would probably do this.

What I don't get is...it's OK for Jesus & Pals to perform "miracles" (which is just another word for magic) -- but if anyone else does anything similar, it's evil or demonic.

Way to corner the market...

Wow, that is too sad. Christians vs the "Dawkins-thumping atheists". Rofl.
When her kids grow up and read the real thing, they are gonna be pissed I think. They are good books, even if aimed more at kids, I enjoyed them as an adult.

a reply to: MystikMushroom

I like the misogyny about women working. They shouldn't be working not because they are stupid, but because their place is in the home, because that TOTALLY excuses the sexism lol.

One has to wonder if this religious nutjob has read the Bible in its entirety. Talk about doom and gloom or do this or that or Ile spank you. Lord Voldemort and his lackeys don't even come a close second.

I'm stunned by this. It's ridiculous. I read those books. Tame by any standards. I grew up with Howard. Lovecraft. Etc. If witches are a problem I'm sure Set followers, demons and Cthulhu would send her apoplectic.

"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish smile; and got to her feet; and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock. "Should I clean the kitchen first?"

Wow......

Kids today are going to see/hear worse things on the playground than in HP books.

We used to find explicit magazines under the dug outs in grade school. Ah those were the days...

Jeepers - I'd better not read Gone with the Wind lest I turn into a black slave or southern belle. Thank goodness for people like this woman who can save the rest of us from...everything!

Did you know there are companies that take full length movies and "Christianize" them (make them G rated so the entire family can watch them together).

The movie industry fought this and lost.

originally posted by: Annee
Did you know there are companies that take full length movies and "Christianize" them (make them G rated so the entire family can watch them together).

The movie industry fought this and lost.

It's only fair. There's another industry that makes them XXX rated.

originally posted by: SubTruth
a reply to: Krazysh0t

So you are upset by her intolerance towards none Christians. Are you being tolerant towards her views. The world needs diversity and truth be told more acceptance. So what if she is a religious nut.




Here is a simple rule everyone should try and live by.....You have the right to do whatever you want as long as it does not infringe on anothers rights to do the same. Simple and when you see the world this way many things that used to upset you wash away.

So re-writing the bible to suit my non-belief is ok as well then?

Nice.

Peace

originally posted by: intrepid
I'm stunned by this. It's ridiculous. I read those books. Tame by any standards. I grew up with Howard. Lovecraft. Etc. If witches are a problem I'm sure Set followers, demons and Cthulhu would send her apoplectic.

Same here, and the great old ones have not driven me crazy......yet.



I do not know what to say to this. This has to be satire. What would be the point if it was not. If she feels that strongly about Harry Potter she would just keep it from her kids and have them read Christian childrens fantasy. It exists. Or write her own book with her own characters.

Then again, 50 shades of grey, started out as Twilight fan fiction. So maybe she read about that and is trying to copy that. You know, garner publicity using the Harry Potter name. Then change all the Harry Potter Character names to original names and publish it as a original Christian book

My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."

BAHAHAHA OMG I completely lost it here. Wow.

originally posted by: MystikMushroom
Kids today are going to see/hear worse things on the playground than in HP books.

We used to find explicit magazines under the dug outs in grade school. Ah those were the days...

No kidding.

I'm very open, but Damn! The language on a playground these days.

I'm teaching my 6 year old discretion and the difference between adult behavior and acceptable kid behavior.

You can not avoid it these days. You have to use a realistic approach.