Need advice on coping with wife's suggestion of "same home" seperation...

a reply to: okamitengu

We have always been sort of the "unconventional" couple of our married friends, so it's no surprise really that she needs the seperation, but doesn't want me to go. In our most recent of talks she has expressed to me that we should back this up and that I begin to "date" or "court" her again, which btw I am totally fine with doing. My wife feels that things are lacking in certain parts of our life that are my fault, to which I admitted and told her I would work on them and make her happier in that regard, if given the chance.We both are waiting for the day to get our home back once my oldest daughter moves out. She also said again that she isn't interested in dating or drinking with anyone of the opposite sex.

She said that the last time we separated it was because I was completely unplugged from the day to day of our family life and things around the home that needed done, but this time, It's different because there's more happening than we have control over. Once things start being removed from the equation, the easier I think it will be for us to start working together on this.

So it seems to me that things will look up once our eldest moves and she finally gets her home back. As far as breaking it clean, she doesn't want that and I do feel that if I were to leave she would have an even bigger issue on her hands with my youngest daughter (Daddy's girl)...aaaand neither of us can afford me leaving financially or emotionally anyway, it's just not feasable in any sense right now, However if she does opt for divorce I really don't see any other option as I could not live with someone who does not feel love for me. I need that at least if I am to remain here. She says that she does love me, but because of my unwillingness to make her happy in certain regards that part of her starting to lose love for me. I understand how that could happen, and I'm willing to change that up for her.

I know she has trust issues because my track record with follow-through is not a great and shining example of what it should be.

Only time will tell...

With a hopeful heart,
F_R

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

well, you know your situation better than anyone, but I would not be living there trying to repair it myself.

again, good luck. hope it goes well.

just remember, maybe not everything is your fault. don't let it all be you.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

So she's basically only with you now because she can't financially support herself on her own? You are making this sound like a sinking ship the more and more I hear it... I doubt there is any salvaging to do left, it's over...

originally posted by: Frank_Rizzo
a reply to: okamitengu

We have always been sort of the "unconventional" couple of our married friends, so it's no surprise really that she needs the seperation, but doesn't want me to go. In our most recent of talks she has expressed to me that we should back this up and that I begin to "date" or "court" her again, which btw I am totally fine with doing. My wife feels that things are lacking in certain parts of our life that are my fault, to which I admitted and told her I would work on them and make her happier in that regard, if given the chance.We both are waiting for the day to get our home back once my oldest daughter moves out. She also said again that she isn't interested in dating or drinking with anyone of the opposite sex.

First as long as she is telling you what she wants to see from you or needs you to be you have time. Second while yes you have a share in the blame in this situation, so does she. Sitting there giving you a list of demands and expecting you to make things right on your own is not good. Third this cannot be emphasized enough for the gentlemen here, it is still important to court your wife. Yes you won her heart and got her to marry you, now you get the privilege of doing the constant maintenance. It is so very easy to take things for granted. Hell half the time you don't even have to take her out too often, send her some flowers once in awhile(preferably to her job). And the best part of that is it doesn't have to be roses.

Other than that all previous advice still stands. Do what you want when you want. You are a good guy and obviously care. And you need to sit down and work out your list of what you are unsatisfied with.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Let me preface this by saying that I have only read the first page and skimmed the rest, so apologies if this has been mentioned already.

In your OP I really felt the love you have for her shine through your current pain, and the fact that you are also best friends.

I would like to ask you whether it might be possible that your wife is questioning her sexuality, and may be developing or finally acknowledging an interest in women. You did mention that touch is an issue these days, as well as the fact that she would not date the "opposite" sex behind your back - could it be that she might be confused herself about desiring women? This may be an issue that is deeply conflicting to her (for religious or other reasons), and, perhaps because of that reason and her own confusion, why she may not have shared it with you.

I do hope you will discuss this with her, in the rare case that it may be a possibility.

I don't think that love like that goes away, though it may morph over time...and it is up to you to decide whether it is something you can live with for as long as it takes, or when you've given all you can and cannot continue to do so without quashing your own spirit too.

Now I know that I may well be completely off base here; but come what may, I hope that you can reach a peaceful place in your relationship once again, as you clearly have a beautiful heart. Best wishes. [[HUGS]]

Things just went from bad to worse, I was fired today. I had a feeling this might happen just not so soon. My wife told me not to worry that it doesn't send what we're going through in a downward spiral, and that we'll get through it just like we do everything else that's thrown in our way. I was happy when she told me that but the provider inside me wanted to scream...without a job, that's quite an impossible thing for me to be. I have already submitted several resumes to prospective employers, I need work...yesterday.

At the same time, is this some sort of a sign that maybe forces me to step back and look inward toward the more spiritual person I was at one point? How much more does one have to put up with before totally just losing their *$^@%?
I feel I need to return to meditation and more spiritual aspects at this time, the only thing I deem important now are my two daughters, pointing the oldest in the right direction and making sure the youngest stays happy.

My feelings for my wife haven't changed (and soon won't), as I am still hopeful that she finds us worthy of saving.

I recieved the call from my boss on the way home, yes, fired over the phone, how very professional. I recieved the standard "Things weren't working as planned" and all I could think was "You can say that again"...anyway, I had arrived home and told my wife, she was very receptive and calm, reserved but not angry. I soon after called an old friend to vent, that made me feel better, he seemed to understand and gave me some sound advice.

My wife is still very distant at times, which I don't really take personally anymore, as she's always tired (up at 3am to be to work by 4am), completely understandable. She is also still somewhat confused but told me that she has reached a point of calmness about her decision to "Seperate" us, which is actually kind of funny because we're not according to the state we live in. I even joked with her about that on one occasion, she thought it was funny too that we were calling it a separation at all.

So now as it stands I'm really hoping karma doesn't work in 3's because these last two have been close to devastating for me.

Stay tuned folks,
Kind Regards,
F_R

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Stay strong and think positive.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that you both work it out. You know your wife better than anybody. I have read the thread and I debated posting this because you seem sure she is not cheating or emotionally interested in anyone else. You said your sure because she said so and that your best friends so you know her tells.

I thought the same exact thing. I wont go into all the details but here is my story. I went to high school with my ex. After highschool we were best friends for 8 years before we even went out. I knew this woman inside and out. She helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. Eventually we got married and she got pregnant. I was the happiest I have ever been.

Then she started acting like your wife halfway through the pregnancy. I tried to make it work. I tried everything. I asked her whats wrong and her answer was I need space. It eventually got to the point that I asked if she cheated, if there was someone else. She said no. She swore to GOD. She swore on our unborn baby. She said I was crazy and just jealous. That how could i even think she would. I believed her. She was my best friend. I thought I would be able to tell if she was lying. Long story short.....she cheated. Now I am 30 and divorced.

Again I hope with all my heart that you work things out. I am not trying to be a downer. You seem like a good guy. I think of myself as a good guy. Us good guys are the last to know because we want to believe everyone is good.

All I can say is if that really is the case, she is the one that will eventually be racked with guilt not myself. I have already prepared mentally for either scenario and have a plan, though right now, I need a job. I don't think she would be able to live with herself if in fact that's what's going on. She would surely break under the guilt and betrayal, she is a very loyal person.

In any case, I have my priorities in order and I'm taking things one day at a time, like I used to. So I'm ok. I won't freak out until she gives me a reason to. Even if something like that does occur it will only make it easier when and if I need to move on.

Hopeless hopeful,

F_R

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo
Bless your heart Frank, you really do seem to have a solid take on things, as they are and where they are, at the moment. I am sorry to hear about your job, but try to look at it as doing away with the old to make way for something better. Keep taking care of yourself, and keep positive no matter what. Sending love & light your way.

So it seems that I am having a hard time with engaging in "small-talk" with her as it always circles back around into "our situation", she says now that this is why she is more distant than usual. We talked about this and I resolved to make a concious effort not to direct our talk to that subject all the time, she accepted and we are good again in that regard.

After so many years of marriage and being together, it is hard some days to focus on other things rather than her and her well-being. She has always called me "Her Watcher", not in the creepy bad way but more of a guardian to her. Honestly, I am so very tired of thinking period. My mind aches for just a little while where I could escape all of this mess.
I am able to overcome it most days by spending tons of time with my youngest daughter, she is so thoughtful and smart and I am proud to be her father. She keeps me going really.

I feel especially vulnerable right now due to not having a job (still working on that) and hope that my wife doesn't make a decision now on what she she needs to do. That would not bode well for me. I am concetrating my efforts solely on myself and my financial situation or lack there-of at this point.

*1 hour later* I had to leave for an interview and am now back, good news with an interview scheduled on the 30th of this month for a great-paying, ass-busting job (really what I need actually)! I am happy and hopeful and see myself working there already. Making it happen before it does.

Stay tuned once again, I should really just start writing a book about something, seems like an appropriate outlet for this situation I'm in.

Ready to ride the rollercoaster once again.

Safety harnesses secured and ready,

F_R

***Major Update***

My oldest daughter has moved out of the house as of today, though it didn't really go as planned. It was not pretty, my wife had reached the end of her rope and ended up going off on her about the living situation. This flaired and mushroomed into a screaming match of which I had never seen the likes of before...(very frightening and volatile).

They immediately started packing their things. Our living room (where they were camped) is left in complete disarray at the moment, as they are not out completely. My wife was a mess and sobbing in the kitchen afterward. I walked up and tried to console her the best I could telling her this was not her fault. I once again felt aweful, horrible. She told me after some time that she was going to go to her girl friend's house and hang, unwind and get away for the night. I told her ok, and to be safe and don't drive anywhere if you are going to be drinking.

I am torn at the moment with everything that's gone down here, on one hand, I am happy that they are finally out yet my concern for my wife's feelings of guilt and anger with the situation are taking the forefront of my thought over and above my concern of mending our relationship. I have resolved to remain supportive of her in what ever way I can and be there for her still when she needs me.

Her and I are getting closer a bit, day by day as I'm conciously giving her the space she needs to hang with her friends and such. She has told me on a few occasions what was missing from our relationship and what she needs from me, to which I have since then happily obliged. This seems to have made her happier in that regard. Is she slowly making her way back to the surface I wonder? Good Question I suppose, though I don't know the answer to that and really don't care to venture a guess any longer.

When I found her crying in the kitchen, I told her that I thought it would be easier now for her to gain focus here, in her own home now that peace has again taken residence. She agreed, I kissed her forehead, she kissed me back and held me close, not letting me go.

Goodnight from a once again quiet home,
F_R

Still here

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Very glad that your youngest is able to keep you going and calm your spirit. It is very important that you, too, have a place where you can lose yourself to something or someone outside of your current situation. That is great news on the potential job, so keep positive towards your interview and focus on the good outcome and perks you will enjoy! I would wish you luck, but your eloquence will no doubt serve you very well on that front.


That is big news that your oldest has moved out - so the emotionally volatile situation makes sense. It is both a time of loss AND new beginnings for your family...and though it may have happened suddenly, perhaps that was needed for everyone involved, a culmination of sorts of what has already been experienced. Being supportive is important, but also keep in mind that you need to support yourself emotionally too - there are two hearts that matter in a relationship, and one person should not be doing all of the acquiescing. What a blessing to have a quiet home once again, may the peace bring clarity for you both.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

well that is a bit of good news. Try not to feel too bad about the argument, all that will take care of itself really. It is a very difficult thing to have two adult women living in the same house. Those situations can't last long. And I am abit concerned about you right now. You still seem to be focused on pleasing her and doing what it is she thinks will "fix" things. But that is a two way street, you can't tell me that you have been perfectly content all this time. Now is the time to address those small things that bother you that you have overlooked. And you also need to let her sit at home in an empty house without you there. Be concerned, be a friend but also be your own man.

So it has been a few days and I have left to do my "own thing" elsewhere and left her here alone. When I return, she greets me with hello and asks "Where'd you go to?" I tell her what I went and did i.e. work out, took a walk to the park.
She responds with an "oh, ok" and that's pretty much it. I have been making the effort to leave her here to her own thoughts and devices and this seems to be going well.

We did spend some time together taking a road trip to see her father and brother yesterday and that was nice. It had been quite some time since I brought "us" up, so I went for it, not to give her an inquisition, but just to see if her stance had changed at all mentally. It really hasn't. She said that she does have trust issues where I'm concerned, and that she is "gun-shy", she didn't want to just jump back in and take off again. After talking about this for a bit I let her know that when we do talk, I would like her to participate in the conversation and respond to things I say to her, as she was very silent, listening, thinking and would only respond with an "I know" or "ok" which to me did not qualify as participation.

The talk ended, we arrived at our destination (very uncomfortable for me) because her Father and Brother knew we were having problems and it was just weird for me to be there. We left and came back home, to our empty and silent home, and she started to laugh to herself as she stood there in the kitchen. I asked "What is it?" to which she replied "Everything is still in it's place and there's not a sink-full of dishes, or a full trash can! I just can't believe it!".
I said "Well, you'd better get used to it". She laughed some more and went upstairs to shower and get ready for bed and told me "Good luck and good night". I stayed downstairs the entire time. It was a good night I think.

My interview is today, and I am excited about it. I know it will go well. It stands to reason that I will be in very good shape financially when I get this job so I can be ready if she decides to end the marriage. I try not to think about that really, but in reality it is a possibility so I feel it needs to be planned for, like an emergency I suppose.

Well, I am off to obtain gainful employment!
Thank you for being here friends, it means more to me than you can fathom.

Kind Regards,
F_R

Sorry that it's been a bit since my last post here, I have been very busy as of late. I have been promoted to "Operator" position on my job (after a trial period) and am doing quite well. My wife it turns out doesn't need to miss me like she thought but rather needed to find the part of herself that she never had a chance to develop here in our new surroundings...just time for her to be herself without a title attached, i.e. Mother, Daughter, Care-giver, wife.

We are doing o.k. with communication and being around one another, going out every now and then and just trying to re-connect with eachother. Many talks have taken place since my last post and we both have a better understanding of where we are mentally now and also what we need from each other, mutual respect from both parties to both parties.

We are starting couples counceling very soon, haven't had a chance to nail down anything because our schedules are weird like that, but we're getting to the point where everything is evening out now. Our last talk resulted in her epiphany that she just needs some "her time" away, she is no longer as disconnected from myself or our daughter and only goes to her friend's a couple times a week, easy right? Yes, very. All I need to do is just let her go and try not to bother her with texts and calls if something comes up.

She had said that my "obsessive" behavior toward her after years had driven her away and to the point that brought us here. I let her know how I felt as well regarding all of this and she took it very well (better than in the past). I still love her after all these years and it seems that I made her feel like she was under my thumb most times when I'd behave that way. I agree with her that it became worse, because I became more attached to her than even I'd known.

For now everything is going smoothly, she gets a couple nights out with the girls a week to unwind and recharge, and I get the house to myself (which I do enjoy sometimes). We wrote a list of new things to do together and included our daughter in some of them too. The list hangs on our wall and is waiting to be marked off one by one. We also have been working together on remodeling our home as well. That gives us time to talk too. I have all the confidence in the world that things will work out in the end for us.

Thanks again for reading. Sorry it's taken me so long for the update, but I also wanted to have more to share when I did.

Saving my marriage and our money, one day at a time,

Frank_R.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

sorry i didnt read all of it. just a few pages but wanted to toss a few things out there.
first you need to figure out how happy with her and yourself the way things are now. now think about how happy you will be when things go the way she wants them with 'space'.

is this wanting space pretty new? is she wanting to be touched less than she did before? if so, did anything happen just before the changes in wanting to be touched. did either of you do something?

if youre saying no and she just wants this space well there is a reason for that. something changed.
she can still love you and want to be with you but have feelers out there for other guys. not saying she is, just that it happens.


just from the post you made, if i had to take a guess she has fallen out of love with you. now i am sure she loves you. you are her kids father. you two share time. of course she loves you. goo chance she is no longer 'in love' with you and thats the part that sucks.

you said there has been no physical contact... you said she looks away from you and then you said she told you she does not know if there are feelings she could ever get back for you.

sounds to me like she is trying to find her exit strategy... seems to me like she wants out but its gong to play out little by little.


if it were me, i would grab a lawyer as fast as possible. try to keep lines of communication with her open so you can try and figure what her plans are. of course you dont have to tell her everything you are doing.

these situations suck but you have to look out for yourself. you dont neeed to be mean or leave the wife high and dry if anything even happens. you just want to protect yourself man.

without getting into childrens ages, who pays the bills....
just dont let it sneak up on you.

retain a lawyer and draw up the papers so they are ready to be filed at any time. get the lawyer to start crunching numbers. how much you both make. how much each of you pay and to what. house paid for? how much owed?
what can you live without. what stays no matter what...

that kind of crap man.
i would just have those papers ready to be filed at the court house at a moments notice. that way if you guys still have comm lines open and she tells you or you get wind that she wants to file then you can dodge that bullet and file first.


sorry. i hope all this is just a bad day but this is how it starts.
protect yourself

so was this whole deal about her wanting to go out a couple nights a week without you? just the girls?

hope that works for you...never would fly in this casa

I've been where you're at. There's probably something more going on with her then what she's letting on. I was married, and all of a sudden she just changed. Turned out she was being pursued by someone else, and eventually had an affair. We ultimately broke up and divorced a few months later. Even tried to make it work again after the divorce, but I finally accepted that we weren't the same people. It's hard. It's hard even to this day.

Yeah being an introvert in a household full of people can be difficult and overwhelming.When I was in one well a trailer full of people I started drinking more than I normally did it sucked