Need advice on coping with wife's suggestion of "same home" seperation...

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Please do update when you have time. We do all hope the best for both of you, being human sucks some times but hey... at least we are rarely ever stepped on, like most living things on this planet.

originally posted by: Frank_Rizzo
She is actually more of an extrovert with a tiny intro side. I am full on introvert. The living situation we are currently in is driving us both insane actually and something we whole-heartedly agree on.a reply to: signalfire

Okay, more information is good... but even extroverts can get overwhelmed.

Please don't listen to all of these (sorry to point it out) losers in relationships. Anyone who immediately starts with the 'she's cheating on you, call a lawyer' routine is being reactionary from their own history and obviously have no way of knowing what's going on in yours.

If all she can articulate is that she 'needs more space' then that's the problem, and it's an understandable one. The true clue in your OP is that you said you went for a walk together and had a fine talk, laughing etc. DO MORE OF THAT, including weekends away if possible. The boomerang kids have upset the apple cart a bit, perfectly understandable. And forgodssakes, don't harass her about 'are you cheating on me?' One, you don't 'own' someone and it's not possible to be cheated on, that's an extremely selfish and misogynistic way of viewing relationships, and two, if it's the case that she's hit a midlife crisis or something of the sort, antagonistic or accusing behavior will kill the relationship faster than some cute guy at work could ever do. This is where real, long term relationships have a bit of a trial by fire. Do it right and you'll be one of life's long term winners.

Good luck.

Hire a PI, I know it sounds creepy and all but if she is cheating on you and the PI comes up with the evidence, than she can't take half your stuff when it comes to a divorce.

jheated5- 2 things, 1. I would never think of dooming this relationship by doing something like that. 2. What money I do have I wouldn't spend on that. I can't get over how many people suggest that her heart, eyes or even body may be wandering. This is why I was weary of posting this in the first place. She has expressed to me that she is not, has not and will not cheat under any circumstances, end of story.

She said that the issue between her and I (One of 3 issues that is troubling her) is everything's been the same for 17 years, that we've never done anything too different, I told her that we (I) could work on that. I feel that's only true in some but not all aspects, but do agree with her in some of the finer details of that.

Things have been leveling out a bit since this all went down. We went and worked out then had dinner together. It felt nice for a change. The thing that is puzzling me is that she says she wants space yet keeps me right there it seems, even after I suggest that I go off and do something on my own. We are still together in the same bed at night which is starting to confuse me also.

She said that she would like to give it "the summer", as far as a time line for the separation. I agreed. We do have our daughter at summer camp for a week at a time. She will be coming home for 2 weeks this Sunday. This is not going to be easy.

She said that this is the first time that she has never had a plan. It is confounding to say the least. I told her that I was happy that she found some friends (women) at work to get a "swim club" together with. She was pretty happy about it too.

The problems between her and I, I think are workable. The house situation is taken care of. I told my daughter that her and co. need to go a.s.a.p. My wife seemed pleased with that as well. I'm thinking the less stress that she has to deal with right now the better. If I can relieve any of it, that I should.

Soooooo,
there is the update for anyone who still happens to peruse this thread.

This situation is very uncontrollable for me, as I am in the passenger's seat, closing my eyes and hoping to reach the destination that we wanted to reach when we first married. She is so important to me, as are our Daughters.

Thank you and stay tuned. I should update here in a couple days.

Thanks for the update. I'm very hopeful for you that things will improve this summer, especially as your house is getting a bit less crowded and your wife is connecting with some girlfriends. May you two come out of this tough season in your marriage stronger than ever.

Hang in there.

Thank you for the well wishes Veg

Update: We went and picked up our youngest daughter from camp today. She was sooo happy to see us both.
The hour and a half ride out and back wasn't bad at all as she let a bit more out of what was inside her head. She seems quite hopeful about a new job possibility for both of us that offers an unreal amount of money per hour, 25 to be exact, union job, insurance the first day you start. Though we are both quite content with our present employment, who on earth would say no to that?

She is feeling like she has a bit more breathing room, and told me that the main thing she wants (where I'm concerned) is to "want" me again. Not only emotionally but physically, so now I find myself working extra hard on improving myself inside, and out.

She kept saying things like "Well, if we do happen to divorce" and "If we divorce". I said in response that I wasn't sure how I would react to her actually going through with the divorce and I admitted to her that I felt like she was already dooming us to NOT make it, say something enough times and you start to believe it or unintentionally will it to actually happen. No response.. OK, I went to the job subject to switch things up then she starts talking about making enough money to buy a home and have us live there...?!? Ugh....This whole thing just sucks and I wish at times that I could be someone else so I couldn't feel the pain I feel.

I have been through the entire gamut of emotions including a mild form of hatred or disdain for her, then loving her again less than fifteen minutes later. Just not knowing what to do with all this I guess.

Thanks for reading,
Frank

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Hi Frank,
You seem to be reflecting exactly how she's feeling. The roundabout one minute, roller coaster the next.
I don't know if this makes sense to you, but like a new first time mothers are taught, your child picks up on your emotions.

The problem we have as adults is that we pick up on our nearest and dearest's emotions too. But as mothers know, it is important not to fret on whether they are feeding baby right and enough, how to bathe such a tiny wee fragile thing and all the other gamut of anxieties a first time mum has. By the same token, and it is difficult to do, you must try to detach a little, not to the point where your wife thinks you are not listening or not taking her concerns seriously, but just enough that you empathise, you're there to catch her when she stumbles over her emotions, you're there to support and re-assure her, and tell her you love her.

Once you recognise at what point you are 'on the ride' with her so to speak, step back, encourage her to enjoy and embrace the emotions she is experiencing. Otherwise her confusions are going to confuse you, and you'll keep on ping ponging off each other. She is the one on this journey of soul searching, you are along for the ride as her support team.

I hope that made sense at least, and that may be one or two bits resonate with you and opens a door to seeing an easier path for you both to walk together.

Sorry if I have spoken out of turn.
Rainbows
Jane

originally posted by: Frank_Rizzo

She is feeling like she has a bit more breathing room, and told me that the main thing she wants (where I'm concerned) is to "want" me again. Not only emotionally but physically, so now I find myself working extra hard on improving myself inside, and out.

This is beyond physical attractiveness. If you are taking up exercise because you are not completely satisfied with yourself and looking it as another means to an end, that is good. If this is purely based on what it is you understand her to be telling you, not so much. Would you be doing it if you weren't going through all this?

She kept saying things like "Well, if we do happen to divorce" and "If we divorce". I said in response that I wasn't sure how I would react to her actually going through with the divorce and I admitted to her that I felt like she was already dooming us to NOT make it, say something enough times and you start to believe it or unintentionally will it to actually happen. No response.. OK, I went to the job subject to switch things up then she starts talking about making enough money to buy a home and have us live there...?!? Ugh....This whole thing just sucks and I wish at times that I could be someone else so I couldn't feel the pain I feel.

You are right and are on the path to the big D. The minute one party starts viewing it as the solution, they are also setting their mind to looking for a problem to fix with it. The path of least resistance and all.

I have been through the entire gamut of emotions including a mild form of hatred or disdain for her, then loving her again less than fifteen minutes later. Just not knowing what to do with all this I guess.

It is normal for you to feel this way, try to avoid being a jerk but that leaves you plenty of room to assert yourself. Odds are in the last two years you haven't been completely happy with her yourself 100% of the time. And right now are feeling a bit ticked that when you found yourself in that position you set it aside and worked past it. And now feel that it is her going through it and she isn't doing the same.

The thing that is puzzling me is that she says she wants space yet keeps me right there it seems, even after I suggest that I go off and do something on my own. We are still together in the same bed at night which is starting to confuse me also.

First you have to stop putting yourself in a position to be confused. The first trait of attraction is confidence. And reading your posts, I get the feeling you aren't standing up for yourself. You have built your life around her and are terrified of losing her, and rightfully so. But you need to let go a bit. Don't suggest you do something on your own, go do something on your own and leave the cellphone home. Right now she is looking at the man she is married to looking for the man she dated once. You need to step back and remember what and who it was you were back then.

She is controlling the situation in it's entirety. It is ok for you to draw your lines and then stick to them. Go out with your friends and don't feel bad about it. Turn down sex until this issue is resolved, do not allow her to use it to fool you into the thought the situation is improving when it isn't.

In short let her know you love her and that you care but be your own man and not an emotional hostage.

If you are taking up exercise because you are not completely satisfied with yourself and looking it as another means to an end, that is good. If this is purely based on what it is you understand her to be telling you, not so much. Would you be doing it if you weren't going through all this?

Yes, the exercise is something we both have wanted to start doing since we quit smoking together. For both ourselves and eachother.

First you have to stop putting yourself in a position to be confused. The first trait of attraction is confidence. And reading your posts, I get the feeling you aren't standing up for yourself. You have built your life around her and are terrified of losing her, and rightfully so. But you need to let go a bit. Don't suggest you do something on your own, go do something on your own and leave the cellphone home. Right now she is looking at the man she is married to looking for the man she dated once. You need to step back and remember what and who it was you were back then.

I woke up this morning thinking about what you said here in your last line exactly. I remember the person I became the last time we were seperated, that was the person she became attracted to again. The order of importance in my head at that time was 1. My kids 2. Myself 3. Being there for my Wife. I am terrified, I feel we have a lot at stake. My youngest daughter would be absolutely crushed at the thought of us going our seperate ways permanently, as would I to a point.

Everything came to a head today with our oldest daughter and family here. She now knows about what's happening between her parents. My wife had let her know what's going on.

I am just taking things day by day now. Not trying so hard to see what's ahead but keeping my focus in the present and like you said to keep myself occupied with other activities. I began the day with a stirring of confidence, which seems to to be taking hold and I can feel myself getting emotionally stable (albeit slowly). Like anything good, it just takes time.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Sounds like.......Three is crowd. It is hard to tell what is really going on even when you are in it. Hope it works out for you.



I personally did the whole same home thing........Did not work out and divorced shorty after. And thank god it did not work out because after that I found real love and have a baby on the way.

Sounds like.......Three is crowd. It is hard to tell what is really going on even when you are in it. Hope it works out for you.

True. Very true indeed. My oldest daughter and her family are moving out a.s.a.p. and my wife admitted that it would be much less of a strain, and that we would actually have time to work on "us" together. That in and of itself is a positive for me at this point. I have also pondered the outcome of divorce between us objectively and found that it really wouldn't be so bad but I still do not want it to end like that, unless she really is that miserable and is really to the end of it.

I have thought about every possible scenario between her and I and how it would work out. I stated my feelings about everything when she first came forward with this whole thing and have left it alone since. I'm just taking this day by day as I'm sure she is as well.

More important to me right now is the well being of my youngest daughter, spending time with her, listening to her stories, telling her bed time stories and focusing most if not all my attention on her. My wife isn't in need of it at this time unless she needs some emotional/mental support.

Praying for better days ahead, slowly becoming more positive about this, after all in the grand scheme of things it really is a small part of how big life can actually be if I let it.

Sincerely,
Frank

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Hey,I think this thread is a bit old but listen to what I have to say man. First off, I am sorry. I am unbelievably sorry for the pain that you are feeling. The feeling of being alone in the world with a heart that hurts when the person you love is right next to you is a terrible one, and I wish that you never had to experience it. All I can say is don't give up. If she is your best friend and makes your entire world go 'round then what you need to do is dig deep now. Let her know that she is your best friend and do EVERYTHING that you can to give her those feelings back. Think back to little things you used to do for her when you two started dating, buy flowers, tickle her until she cries, grab her from behind and kiss her neck. Don't let that spark in YOU die. She will feel it again, it will just take time.

Thank you for the positivity Divin3! Much appreciated.

Unfortunately, we are still at the stage where there is little to no physical contact being made and any romantic or friendly gesture is hardly being acknowledged. She's still hurting as am I. She knows exactly what she means to me, I have written her (hand-written) letters telling her my side of this very huge mess we are in. I am trying to keep away from any gestures romantic or otherwise (except for friendship) that she might deem uncomfortable in any way.

Many people I speak to briefly don't understand why I'm still here. I often wonder what will be but can't let it affect my day to day activities (work mainly) negatively. Oddly enough I have improved my skills at work since this all went down a few weeks ago.

Someone I talked to told me that she sees me right now as her "meal ticket" and nothing more, and that she will continue to string me along then discard me at the end. I don't believe that for one second though. They don't know her like I do. No one does really. True, she couldn't handle all our bills by herself, but we had agreed to split the cost of what it takes to support my youngest daughter 50/50. Her car payment would kill her checks. So yeah, I kind of see why someone would think that I guess but that doesn't make it true.

Her girlfriend she's been hanging out with has let her down quite a bit since they became regular friends, and I know she's kind of bummed out about that. I just live day to day, call her by her pet names every now and then if I feel she's in a somewhat decent mood, listen to her rants and raves about her bad (and good) days at work. I just try to be the best friend that she needs right now.

I am hopeful that we will undergo counceling soon. I should be recieving a raise at work if all goes well there too so we'll be able to afford it. I think she's definitely improving, but there's more that could be had really. I'm not as negative as I used to be about the situation anymore. Frankly if she wanted a divorce I would be doing just fine finanncially, her on the other hand not so much. Too many bills to handle and not enough money to go around.

So there it is, another update for everyone. Thank you for reading, all your well-wishes are greatly appreciated at a time like this in my life. Slowly but surely I'm seeing progress in both her and myself and I will update again soon.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo
My advice would be to move on with your life. Not necessarily without her, but start focusing on who you are and want to be. You start becoming that and she will either "wake up" and want to be there too, or the gulf between you two will be so great that parting ways won't hurt SO bad.

I wish you luck, and thanls for the update!

So my wife and I had a great, long and friendly conversation about our present dilemmas and problems. She finally opened up about some things to me and it gave me a sense that even with everything going on, there is some hope in her to help mend us. She no longer mentions divorce and said that she was only trying to see "every angle" on our situation and what might happen with that being one of the outcomes. She also said that we shouldn't worry as it probably won't even happen. I opened up and told her that I had become a bit withdrawn since we came here as well, because we have never

When she told me this, I had all I could do to just hold it inside, I felt so very happy about what just transpired. I never wanted that in the first place. My oldest daughter and co. are planning on moving sooner than we expected, she told me she's very happy about that.

Up until the point of our last conversation, I had been playing it cool, doing my own things, trying to be not quite as available to her. the day of the conversation, I was getting home from work and she tells me she took a pic of herself and tells me that she was debating on sending it to me, and then sends it. First one she's sent me in a while. I was a bit confused at first as she was the one who wanted this in the first place, and now she's sending revealing pics of herself to me, could she be changing her mind about us? And later that night was our talk. She had referred to us as being together in the future tense and I was taken aback really.

So, things are getting better I suppose, still waiting for our oldest daughter to move (can't come soon enough), the wife is talking more and opening up a bit, but I remain open to all possible outcomes at this time.

Regards,
F_R

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Sometimes you do have to realize things are over and not going back to the way they were. Its not easy, but its as natural as staying together is. They are both reality. One good for one, bad for the other one. A positive upswing for one, and a downward slide for the other.

The hardest of all is to know the difference between saving things and letting go. I hope you find and accept which one it is for you.

PS Re-reading your OP, I read a lot of things about "YOU" and your feelings all throughout it. What about hers? Youve really said nothing much except the basics...and in support of her and her feelings...it looks like youre either unaware or unwilling to accept what they are. There are reasons and you should have had some clues long before now, you know?

a reply to: mysterioustranger

She only recently opened up to me about her feelings. This past month except for the last 3 days or so, her only reply to anything I had to ask was "I don't know" or "I'm numb" that's pretty much standard reply for her with anything regarding a question from me at all until recently.

Is it getting better? Yes, slowly she is opening up and I have stopped asking questions and just listen. I'd be a fool not to at this point. There is hope there, but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, I've thought about both good and bad outcomes and I am prepared for both.

Now she needs time to find out what she wants. My intent hasn't changed, I would love to remain a married couple, however if It's something she no longer deems worthy of spending time on then so be it. The only thing I disagree with her on is her idea that if we did go through with the divorce that I remain in the home to "Co-Parent" our daughter. I don't feel that would be healthy for anyone involved here at this time.

Now, mind you she hasn't brought up divorce at all and last time she did she claimed that "It probably wouldn't even happen"...so there's that but again, I am now prepared mentally for both scenarios either way.

Thank you all for posting, even if it's just once

Regards,
F_R

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

I feel for you. I have been there. 3 marriages-35 years worth. The 1st I screwed up bad after 13 yrs together-totally my fault...ran away with the neighbor who was 17 and I...29...MARRIED for the 2nd time the 17 year old (dumb, dumb, stupid dumb!)...that lasted 6 yrs...and on into the current and last one 20 years married and 27 total together. She is 10 years younger than me. So, I think Im qualified.

You know? The biggest shock for me was "You want to separate HOW?!" I didnt expect it, didnt want it, and was confused. I did not see that one coming. I was lost...really lost. But, it taught me something. That what you see is not always the reality of the way it is for someone else. Thats the hard part...for you. For your wife? Just imagine. She's not happy, but its a life with you she knows. And I assure you sir-she as confused as you. You have to be the "great guy" Im sure you are and let her be. She needs to figure this out. Maybe she has already...but doesnt have the faith nor confidence to go through with things-even if its just a break. You have got to let her figure this out.

Be her support...look at yourself too...can you see how things are different? Can you see when they may have changed? Can you help her at all in this? I know they are all tough questions, but I think this may be the time for you to "be the man". Give her space. Support her needs and privacy. Try to just be there for her. What will be will be.

We sometimes in life have to let the cards falls...no mtter who threw them up in the air. You just have to go on and pick them up as best you can. If its supposed to be, it will. If its not...well, you get what I mean.

It may be the end...or the rebirth of something wonderful. I wish you well. Remember the lyric-line from Lennon-McCartney..."And in the END? The love you take...is equal to the love...you MAKE!". Even negatives can become positive. Be yourself, stay strong for you both, and let her breathe a bit.

Life is short, you know? Love is eternal. In no matter what form it takes. U2U me anytime...Best MS

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

i have tried to live with someone in the same house and be apart.
it cannot work.

break it clean, and let the wound heal.

good luck.