Need advice on coping with wife's suggestion of "same home" seperation...

Well, as I have stated, I don't believe she is cheating at all. She would finish this relationship even before considering another person in her life at all. Her and I actually just finished a short heart and she feels that the living situation with our oldest daughter is compounding the issue that she has with me. She also said she has no friends, and that a girlfriend or two to hang with would be great. a reply to: Antipathy17

I have thought about that too as far as hormones/moods/wrestlessness etc.
A possibility I suppose.a reply to: theabsolutetruth

She is actually more of an extrovert with a tiny intro side. I am full on introvert. The living situation we are currently in is driving us both insane actually and something we whole-heartedly agree on.a reply to: signalfire

originally posted by: Frank_Rizzo
No. She has "tells". I know them...we're best friends! a reply to: VoidHawk

I think you know your wife well enough to tell if she is lying about that or not. But the physical aside there may be some attraction going on with someone else. And this is where it can get problematic for both men and women. In your personal and professional relationships you if are talking about things that you know your partner may not be comfortable with you discussing you shouldn't be discussing them with anyone other than your partner as uncomfortable as that may be.

As far as introverts and space, yes we need it and you living in a packed household the way you are is probably the biggest issue wearing on her. I myself am having a very difficult time coping because of my current situation and invasions into my personal space. Relationships are hard and require constant intamcy building activities. Right now the best advice I can give you is with the information at hand would be :

Until she gives you an actual reason not to trust her, you trust her (be vigilant and analytical but not a private investigator.)
Give her a room in the house that is hers and hers alone that isn't a bedroom.
Help your daughter find a place or reorganize the house spaces and rules so that each family has their own space and boundaries.
Give her the space she needs and use the time to explore your own life a bit without her.
Most of all get yourselves back to courting one another once a week or so. This is one of those many things most people forget to do.
Don't be emotionally needy, stand tall and strong.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Coming from a family like this, I can only tell you to try giving her space. What my Dad had to do was he would sleep on the sofa in a downstairs room; he stayed out of the bedroom. Didn't so much as even talk to my Mom. Eventually, he moved out, and I with him, as the house was being sold (he made sure that he got something for the house though, as it's a 50/50 state here in MI).

My advice to you would be to find yourself an apartment that is close by, and slowly transition to living there. That way, your other daughter has access to you (she will need you in her life), and you can move back in a moment's notice should your wife change her mind.

And, speaking as someone who suffered in a relationship for a while - I know what she's going through. She doesn't hate you, and wants to find a way to word it so that you don't suffer for what she really needs. Because she's conflicted about what she needs, it just increases the stress on her to tell you, and to act on it. Especially if she sees you as "a friend" or just another guy at this point - It's hard saying you don't like one of your friends, especially to their face. To me, it sounds like a brain vs heart issue: One part is telling her logically, she is right where she needs to be (family, kids, stable environment and a great husband), and the other part is advising her away (she's missing something, looking for something else, it doesn't feel right).

I know you don't want to lose what you have, but think about this: Would you rather part and still see each other as mutual people, or part as bitter enemies? I still talk with my ex's: neither of us have any interest in getting back together as a couple, but we don't hate each other (well....mostly; I'm sure I'm hated somewhere in the world).

-fossilera

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now.

Marriage isn't about feeling "in love" or attracted to your spouse. It's about commitment. Hopefully your wife understands that.

And....FWIW, it never even occurred to me that your wife might be cheating after reading your original post. People bring their own baggage to interpreting things - understandably. You are in a better position than anyone here to know your situation.

a reply to: LadySkadi

lol... I ASSumed he was fudging the numbers slightly... But maybe not.

Marriage counseling, not ATS. That's a starter.

originally posted by: LadySkadi

originally posted by: Expat888

.. and with 13 ex-wives ..

Wow, how is that even possible?

Wasnt too good at picking wives in my younger years .. between nine that cheated on me and the others well understandable as spent alot of time away working in war zones and disaster areas around the world .. now at 71 am a cynical old grouch thats got to used to living on my own to bother with finding another one .. have always stayed loyal to them when was with them .. karma neh ..

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

1. It seems there are too many people in the house for starters.
2. Your location could bother her more than you know or even more than she knows.
3. and lastly (being a female and knowing the signs) it sounds like she may be having an affair and feels
lost and torn between family and another man, guilt. Hence, the crying like you've never seen her do before. *Or a possible attraction to another man.
*Sorry in advance, hope everything works out for you.

Our home is fairly large, two floors and our oldest Daughter, her husband and two boys live with us and our youngest daughter of nine.

I'd say that's it right there. She doesn't have what she would feel as "her nest", somewhere where she could retreat to relax after work. You've got another family living there, and she's always got to be in party host mode.

As an example, if you live on your own, you can just wear old clothes when you're not going out or come home from work and not worry about anyone saying anything, then do whatever you like when you want; read ATS, watch TV, read a book. As soon as you have guests around, you have to put on your good clothes, be prepared to negotiate over what channel to watch if not keep the TV off. With kids around, you have to help with homework, and they will always be running around, playing, shouting.

Maybe you should give living alone a try. I've been a bachelor for a few years. It is not so bad. I have female company here and there, but I really don't have any desire to ever cohabitate again. A good dog will keep you from feeling lonely.

Having read all the posts, shes an introvert.
You need to lay off the touchy feely needy stuff man, give her some alone time
Actually A LOT of alone time, she requires it to be happy.
Take it from an introvert, we love our quiet alone time.
its sacred to us. give her that and most likely you will see a change of heart in her

Somebody suggested you should find somewhere else for you to live for a while at least.
I would suggest, given what you are saying, and if finances allow, why not suggest she gets a small place of her own while you take care of 'clearing' so to speak, the family home?

Rainbows
Jane

Maybe plan an outing/vacation?

Maybe go on a road trip if not together, then take a couple of weeks for yourself?

She may need to feel what it's like having you unavailable to her, for just a short time.

That or put the daughters' up in a hotel for a couple of weeks?

a reply to: loveguy

She also had mentioned that the last time we had seperated, after some time, she missed me terribly and wants to miss me like that again. I really didn't know what to say to that. That's pretty much why I'm just leaving her alone at this point.


--- *Update* --- She started using her pet names for me a couple days ago, so maybe her fog is clearing a bit? We also "got together" last night at her request and this morning seems sociable and is smiling again...

I remain hopeful that time and space are the key here.

I'm surprised no one mentioned what seems rather obvious to me. She reads like a very depressed woman who's just plain given up. Menopause is a good medical start, and I think it needs followed up with a bit of counseling. I'm going to bet that since you said she has few friends, she feels very lonely & isolated. That can be crushing & leave a kind of bitterness that leads to pushing people further away. She's also an older lady with a grown kiddo back at home and the grandkids, too. I'm going to go ahead & call menopausal hormones combined with what is tantamount to a belated stress-fed mid-life crisis.

I'd bet money on not cheating, but deeply depressed.

The more and more I think about our situation, the more I feel that it very well may be depression/menopause causing the feelings outside of moving here and not really having any friends. a reply to: Nyiah

I wanted to stop in and thank everyone for their experiences and insight. It is helping me through this difficult period.

I will update as new happenings arise.