I feel like I am being pulled back into an unhealthy relationship.

Grifter42
Should I at least tell her sorry about the dog?

I wouldn't. No contact means not setting yourself up. If you feel obligated to express something about the dog, and aren't just using it as an excuse to contact her. Send a hallmark card in the mail. They make cards for sorry your pet is sick. Don't call her, you are too weak.


Des

Grifter42

She just told me her dog is dying, man...

What if she really does need a friend?

What harm could come from trying to console her?

A lot.. I can see how awful this is going to turn out. I don't want what's actually going to happen.

I want what would happen if this were the movies.

Ahhh...the 'old pity card play. Well, it still works on the gullible don't it?

Dawgs die, Cats die, People die...every freaking day, in droves. It's called life.

And life is not the movies at all. No soundtrack, no canned laughter, and no one leaves it alive. It's up to you to make all that up as you live it.

Why trash what could be a life well lived, for some one who obviously doesn't really care about you as you say. Blow her off for now. If she cares about you, she'll come back. And at the point, it may well be a different story for you.

reply to post by Destinyone



I gave in, consoled her about the pet.

She proceeded to tell me a bunch of awful stuff about it. The animal sounds like it's in rough shape, bone cancer by what she said.

She says they're probably going to put it down tomorrow.

Why she chose now to contact me, I don't understand...

Why now, of all times?

And why do these feelings keep welling up inside me?

Destinyone

Grifter42
reply to post by chrismarco

 

I know, I know... Everything in my head and gut are telling me this is a bad idea, that I shouldn't, but my heart is telling me yes, that I should, that there's a chance she's developed late blooming feelings for me. I mean, it's possible.. But not probable.

I wish I could just snuff it out like a light, not feel it.

Please, listen to your gut. Your heart is only the wisps of wishful thinking. To spend time with her, will only lead to more pain.

"The best predictor of future behavior is … past behavior"

Good luck...your *gut* doesn't *lie* to you...

Des

How come it has to be so hard, Des..

Sorry to hear OP. you're in a pickle to be sure.

I love the "just friends" bit. story of my life. Ahh but life has changed. Now it's the "not you it's me" bit.

Always a jack-in-the-box, the stupid heart...

Man this thread is depressing for all the good advice is has for the OP.

*watches from the side, taking it all in, punching a small furry animal for comfort*

reply to post by Grifter42


It's called Unrequited love.

en.wikipedia.org...

It's a real thing, and it does suck. But it does get better over time...until the next one.

Does that cheer ya up?

God, now she's doing the thing where she talks about how she wishes she could talk with her ex...

It's driving me mad.

She says she feels needy.

I mean, I guess those are her motivations on her sleeve.

Ughh. Why do I have that taste in my mouth, that lump in my throat?

reply to post by Grifter42


I can't do this again. All these old feelings. I have to stop this. I have to tell her I can't do this.

I can't have one sided feelings for her, while she keeps talking about some other guy who I can't hope to compete with.

Goddamn it all to hell.

Grifter42
reply to post by Destinyone

 

I gave in, consoled her about the pet.

She proceeded to tell me a bunch of awful stuff about it. The animal sounds like it's in rough shape, bone cancer by what she said.

She says they're probably going to put it down tomorrow.

Why she chose now to contact me, I don't understand...

Why now, of all times?

And why do these feelings keep welling up inside me?

You're not going to like my answer. But, you asked, so I'll tell you from a Woman's point of view. Take a deep breath, Sweet Pea.

She's calling you, because the man she really wants to talk to, won't talk to her. You are good old Mr. Dependable she knows she can turn to, and crap on, and you'll always be there when she wants to talk about the man she's mourning over, and no matter what, you'll console her. Listen to her while your heart breaks inside, yet still let her lean on you until someone better comes along. Then she'll toss you aside as the new man holds her interest.

Brutal, I know...but it's true.

Time to take yourself out of her loop. She uses you as a temporary band aid.

Sorry....

Des

Grifter42
There was a girl I was friends with at first, then grew to love. She seemed smart, funny, classy, and pretty in a sort of nerdy way. She made me laugh, and we hung out, watched movies... It was perfect.

I grew to love her.

She didn't love me back, I think she didn't want to hurt my feelings at first, so she pretended to reciprocate.

Then, one day, she tells me the truth. That she didn't want to lose me as a friend, so she had faked it all to keep me happy.

She said the classic line... "We can still be friends.".

And for a time, I believed it.. But in my heart, I still loved her. She got with other guys, flaunted it in front of me..

I'd ignore her, go into a sort of emotional blue screen of death inside, and try not to act how strange I felt inside.

Eventually, I confessed my feelings for her a second time, and she said she knew. That she enjoyed keeping me around as what she termed, a "Boytoy", but that it wasn't serious. That she didn't find me attractive. But this sort of push and pull relationship went on for four years

I felt awful inside. After multiple incidents after that, I decided not to talk to her.

This worked for about a year of sporadic but mostly no contact.

Now, she asked if I wanted to hang out over spring break...

I do, but God help me, I know it's a bad idea. But I have to.

You are the only one allowing these people in your life. Your doing it to yourself. If someone in your life is making you unhappy GET RID OF THEM FOREVER. It's very simple. If not, you are just a glutton for punishment or have some underlying psychological problem that needs to be addressed. That's my 2 cents lol. Cheers

reply to post by Grifter42


Dude.

Are you me?

Literally, word for word, you explained the situation I was in with a girl for about for years.

I'm literally at a loss for words, I just read it again and you pint point exactly how I felt.

I let that girl go, and you need to do the same. Just please trust me on this, trust yourself on this - to save yourself from that mental torment.

Man, I'm telling you, let her go. It sucks, it can defeat you mentally, physically, and spiritually if you let it. It's going to take some time to heal, but once it does you all but forget. You instead grow and learn from yourself, but I'm not kidding, it can feel like hell.

Trust me on this one.

I am going to go against everyone else here and say... go for it.

Just do it.

Your decision was made before you posted. You are going to do it anyway. Who are any of us to say that you are not a glutton for punishment. There are folks who enjoy being in these types of situations and you may be one of those. All around the world people are coexisting in codependent relationships. If that is what "floats your boat"... go for it.

If anything maybe she can break your heart another 15 to 20 times and perhaps that will be your cut off limit.

Everyone has already told you what you already knew.

Some of us touch a hot stove once....

Some of us have to do it more than once.

Boy, you found yourself a real manipulative bitch. No one with any class or conscience would do this to a person; once it was clear you didn't want only a friendship and she knew that was all she could offer, she should have restricted her contact with you to something approaching nil. She's a user and a really psychologically abusive one at that. Notice how her other relationships aren't lasting? The other guys all figured her out...

Ask yourself how drawn back to her you would be if you were in another relationship now that was lighthearted, warm, non-abusive, and sexually satisfying?

Then go out and find that! Stop doing the poor little me puppy dog routine, it's self destructive and will turn off everyone else around you, making starting another relationship impossible.

Grab your sanity and your sense of self-worth, gird your loins and block her phone calls, damnit. Get angry, not depressed.

You're a man, act like one. That's how you attract real women.

Looks like you have already recieved the best advice from everyone. You know yourself that you shouldn't see her anymore. She will only use you and you will feel even worse than you do now. Find someone who is worth your time and emotions and move on.

Grifter42
God, now she's doing the thing where she talks about how she wishes she could talk with her ex...

It's driving me mad.

She says she feels needy.

I mean, I guess those are her motivations on her sleeve.

Ughh. Why do I have that taste in my mouth, that lump in my throat?

Jesus MAN!

Really really? Why do this to yourself, are you truly a sadomasochist?


Don't put yourself through that, have some self respect, geez man.

Grifter42
reply to post by Grifter42

 

I can't do this again. All these old feelings. I have to stop this. I have to tell her I can't do this.

I can't have one sided feelings for her, while she keeps talking about some other guy who I can't hope to compete with.

Goddamn it all to hell.

sever the connection

thank me later

reply to post by Grifter42


You could try this:

Go ahead and hang out with her. Have a little fun, be yourself, but do one thing: pay very close attention to anything you would consider a personality flaw, no matter how small. Don't mention it to her, don't be critical, just observe.

Then consider what it would be like if you spent the rest of your lives together. Consider that the odds are these personality traits won't go away, they will become more pronounced over time.

Does she drink a little too much? She might drink a lot too much in a few years.
Is she a little rude to people she considers beneath her? Is she a little stubborn about getting her way? Does she use too much emotion and not enough logic in her decision making? Is this someone you are ready to give half of everything you own? If not, then you have to realize that your relationship will end at some point. Why waste your time with the wrong person?

But if you don't go and hang out with her, you will always have this "ideal" version of her in your head, and you will always have feelings for that girl that lives in your head. Makes it hard to move on, and I think you know that you need to move on.

reply to post by Grifter42


Brother, I can truly relate to your dilemma.

I have a woman named Jen in my life like that. We both keep coming back to each other. She's gorgeous. She and I will end up together between relationships, but each time I fall in love with her all over again. My heart will feel broken after she ends with a guy who doesn't want she and I to be friends. She will pursue me like crazy when I'm in a relationship. She even did that while I was engaged. She wants to have sex with me even when I'm with someone else or if she's with someone else. She is like a drug to me and we keep choosing this painful dance. She has told me that I'll never be the one and I know in my mind that she is not the one for me.

I'm successful. I hold an airline pilot license. I've flown and instructed in military fighter jets. I have a great job. I own a successful business. Women and guys come up to me and tell me that I look like Daniel Craig. There is a gorgeous woman a few hours away who asked me to marry her. For some reason I keep settling for less than and I've done it before in relationships.

I'm seriously considering seeing a therapist to get to the heart of the why behind this addictive dead end relationship. I've lost some great women in the past over other women like Jen. I recognize the pattern and need to find a way to break it and not repeat it with her or another mirage like her.

As a pilot, I've learned to trust my instincts. I have thousands of safe flying hours and have a stellar flying record. I successfully overcame a high speed canopy failure in a fighter jet. Yet, when it comes to women, I feel like an awkward little boy.

I've been in therapy before and believe that some of this stems from abuse that I survived that I remember beginning at age 4.

I'm going to see a therapist that I've been to before that uses hypnotherapy and other techniques to help heal PTSD and release negative patterns.

You deserve the real thing and were put on this planet with the right stuff brother, so don't settle. She is kryptonite. I know it's hard but stay away and us the time to set goals that move you toward your life purpose. We all have a special mission here on this planet and as we move toward that and value ourselves, I believe that the special person will arrive.

Blessings

Oh noooo, not the friend zone!
Just get over your feelings and move on, it's easier said than done but you have no choice.
Try and remain friends because of the friends with benefits rule.


You have made something that would of hurt you a lot for a short time, hurt you for a long time, man up my friend.

reply to post by Grifter42


Stop all contact with her and never speak to her again. She is using the worst elements of woman kind.
It's an evil, selfish power she is using over you. It will suck you dry eventually.
You don't need that kind of negativity. No man does.