He says he Loves me, but I am not his type

Hello Lovers,

I have a question for anyone that has ever TRULY been in Love. The other day, I came across my fiance's oldest blog written when he was in his early 20's. He writes all his blogs like it is his own personal diary, but he makes it public for everyone to see. He knows that I read what he writes, but I didn't know that he had more than one blog until 2 days ago. What I read in his first blog, made me start to question a lot about our relationship.

I remember reading one passage, talking about the kind of woman that he likes. Tears came rushing down my face, because I realized that I am nowhere near his "type" and after reading about his preferences, it really made me wonder why we ever got engaged.

I want this relationship to work, but I don't want him to feel like he is settling in any way, by choosing me. When I agreed to commitment, I'll admit that maybe I really didn't know everything about him yet, and still don't, but I fell in Love with the person I believed him to be. It hurts to think that I am not pleasing him on every level, being the physical attractiveness. I know I am not his type, and I really don't think I physically ever could be (he likes big big breasts, naturally long hair, and wide hips). After reading his blog, and reflecting on some aspects in our relationship, I could be paranoid, but I feel like he is trying to steer me into this image by making subtle suggestions to have me change into a more attractive woman by his definition and standard. He likes all the things that I cannot be for him and it makes me feel like he is wasting his time with me, because I am not really what he wants.

So my question is: Does TRUE Love conquer all, or do the biological forces driving physical attractiveness outweigh the concept of romantic Love and soulmates?

As much as it hurts, I really just want to know the truth about how he feels, and I don't even know how to begin to ask as I fear he will take it as me being insecure, as far as I see it, that is not the case. I want someone to be with me because they are attracted to me on ALL levels, not simply because they are convincing themselves that they find me physically desirable.

Please no rude or diverting comments.

Thanks,
Leira7

reply to post by leira7


Sometimes I think that people have an idea in general of what they like in a person physically i.e. outer appearance
But that doesn't necessary mean that they are seeking only for that particular 'type' of look

Many end up with a partner that may look nothing like they envision, instead they are drawn to the person's personality, sense of humor, intellect, common interests, etc.

In other words, yeah say a guy settles for the big boob, curvy bod type of gal but what about her personality???
-Is she funny? Does she share the same humor as the guy?
-Is she kind or selfish?
-Does she respect his likes/dislikes?
-Does she have a laugh that grates on his nerves? Or is it a soft giggle?
-Does she love to spend his money? Or is she frugal?
-Are they even compatible?
-Is she a whiner and nagger?
-Can she carry on an intelligible conversation or is she your typical bimbo?
-Does she get along with his friends? His family?
-How do they accept her?

These are just a few things why a guy doesn't settle for their so-called 'girl of their dreams'

Appearance isn't everything

Don't fret just yet...
You will know if he likes you for you
If he tries to change you, maybe ask 'why' at that point

Also, this applies to women as well
How many have their version of the perfect guy only to be with a man that is shorter or heavier or bald etc. but love them dearly? A bunch

Just don't give in to your insecurities
Don't second guess yourself

Good luck to you~
snarky

reply to post by leira7


Are you sure you know you're not his type? Cause one time my wife said I don't know why you like me I'm not your type, you like blondes. I was like WTF. I counted up every girl I had ever dated and it was close to 20 that were either brunettes or redheads. Only one blonde girl. Where she got the idea I only like blondes I'll never know.

Anyway probably just have to talk to them about it. Even if it's true it's not always about what type you like either. You can like a person that's not your normal type if it's the right person. After all I did date that one blonde right?

reply to post by leira7

I remember reading one passage, talking about the kind of woman that he likes. Tears came rushing down my face, because I realized that I am nowhere near his "type"

Hi Leira, there may be some disconnect between what he wrote and what he really feels. Obviously can't say for sure but if you're engaged then he must have found a great deal in you that he cares for. Soul mates don't have to be perfect in each others eyes, they see beyond those things.

The mental fantasy versions of a persons type might be Wonder Women or Tom Cruz but that's not necessarily what makes the couple complete in each other. Simply ask him about the questions that are bothering you and stress (w/o demanding) that you need him to be honest.

I hope this works out for you.

Confront him, and ask him. if you cant do that then there's no point continuing the relationship mate as you will be too timid to confront him on anything else in the future.

leira7
Hello Lovers,

I have a question for anyone that has ever TRULY been in Love. The other day, I came across my fiance's oldest blog written when he was in his early 20's. He writes all his blogs like it is his own personal diary, but he makes it public for everyone to see. He knows that I read what he writes, but I didn't know that he had more than one blog until 2 days ago. What I read in his first blog, made me start to question a lot about our relationship.

I remember reading one passage, talking about the kind of woman that he likes. Tears came rushing down my face, because I realized that I am nowhere near his "type" and after reading about his preferences, it really made me wonder why we ever got engaged.

I want this relationship to work, but I don't want him to feel like he is settling in any way, by choosing me. When I agreed to commitment, I'll admit that maybe I really didn't know everything about him yet, and still don't, but I fell in Love with the person I believed him to be. It hurts to think that I am not pleasing him on every level, being the physical attractiveness. I know I am not his type, and I really don't think I physically ever could be (he likes big big breasts, naturally long hair, and wide hips). After reading his blog, and reflecting on some aspects in our relationship, I could be paranoid, but I feel like he is trying to steer me into this image by making subtle suggestions to have me change into a more attractive woman by his definition and standard. He likes all the things that I cannot be for him and it makes me feel like he is wasting his time with me, because I am not really what he wants.

So my question is: Does TRUE Love conquer all, or do the biological forces driving physical attractiveness outweigh the concept of romantic Love and soulmates?

As much as it hurts, I really just want to know the truth about how he feels, and I don't even know how to begin to ask as I fear he will take it as me being insecure, as far as I see it, that is not the case. I want someone to be with me because they are attracted to me on ALL levels, not simply because they are convincing themselves that they find me physically desirable.

Please no rude or diverting comments.

Thanks,
Leira7

edit on 30-1-2014 by leira7 because: words

Leira, I feel you and your anxieties completely.
So much is at stake here. Most importantly your happiness and peace.

I want to start with something you said at the end:

"I want someone to be with me because they are attracted to me on ALL levels, not simply because they are convincing themselves that they find me physically desirable."

If only we could be attracted at ALL levels to the one we love. But reality will remind us, that not only are we not attracted to them on all levels, it may even be impossible.
You can love someone to pieces, yet there are just some things you can't grab hold of with a lot of love, you know? ha
If all levels were present, I would say you have died and reached Nirvana.

The physical in life is real and powerful. But how can it be everything? If it were, how do those with disabilities, unable to have sexual relations with their loved one, actually love each other? I mean, if you can't have sex, it means you don't love? So that is something to think about. We all desire to have sex with the one we love. Our bodies are wired for it. Our chemicals constantly remind us we like it.

Perhaps, since discovering his "type" you are feeling all of a sudden doubtful of your worth? But did he not write this in his 20's? Perhaps, his type has changed since then?
Apparently, something must have changed, as he chose you to have a relationship with, and you say you are none of what he described.


You said:

I feel like he is trying to steer me into this image by making subtle suggestions to have me change into a more attractive woman by his definition and standard. He likes all the things that I cannot be for him and it makes me feel like he is wasting his time with me, because I am not really what he wants.

Is he really making these subtle suggestions? Or do you feel this way only after reading that blog he wrote in his 20's?

Leira, have you ever seen The Joy Luck Club?

There was a scene in the film with Rose and her soon to be ex-husband.
She had attempted to be the dutiful and pleasing wife to him. She tried so hard to make him feel special and loved. Be the woman she thought he really wanted her to be.
In the end, they were separating.
He said he missed the woman he first knew. The woman he fell in love with.

Anyway, the thing she said to him was so powerful, so correct, and to be remembered anytime anywhere when you are questioning yourself like this.
She said to him: "It was my fault. I'm the one who told you my love wasn't good enough. I'm the one who told you your love was better than mine."

Your love is just as good as his. First and foremost.
But we spend so much time in fear, we are frozen in one spot. Who cares if he thinks you're insecure? Speak your heart woman! If he can't handle it, then he isn't strong enough. And therefore, is he even strong enough to have the relationship?
Never be afraid to seem clingy or insecure or whatever thing we build up in our minds.
Say what you feel. No question. You will always stand strong because you at least, are always willing and able to speak your heart. Life is just too short for anything less!

So my question is: Does TRUE Love conquer all, or do the biological forces driving physical attractiveness outweigh the concept of romantic Love and soulmates?

Yes. I believe deep down still, that true love does conquer all.
Biological forces are simply a fact of life, we have them, we deal with them.
But I can tell you this... I am a bird. But if I fell in love with a fish, he would be my true love. And I would wash and pet his little scales until they shined.
No, he couldn't fly, so I would carry him in my beak. If he felt the same about me, he would carry me on his back along the surface of water.

Silly? Oh, yes. But true nonetheless. Not all birds are attracted to other birds. Even if they once were. Love doesn't have a blueprint. Or a photograph. Don't put so much weight upon either physical beauty or what someone felt like at 20 years old.

And... remember what Rose said!

reply to post by leira7


To be honest if I were to write a list Mrs C wouldn't
even come close to 'My type'.

But she is very much my soul mate and a deeper love
I can't imagine.

TRUE love for me at least conquers all

Just my thoughts

Cody

leira7
Hello Lovers,

I have a question for anyone that has ever TRULY been in Love. The other day, I came across my fiance's oldest blog written when he was in his early 20's. He writes all his blogs like it is his own personal diary, but he makes it public for everyone to see. He knows that I read what he writes, but I didn't know that he had more than one blog until 2 days ago. What I read in his first blog, made me start to question a lot about our relationship.

I remember reading one passage, talking about the kind of woman that he likes. Tears came rushing down my face, because I realized that I am nowhere near his "type" and after reading about his preferences, it really made me wonder why we ever got engaged.

I want this relationship to work, but I don't want him to feel like he is settling in any way, by choosing me. When I agreed to commitment, I'll admit that maybe I really didn't know everything about him yet, and still don't, but I fell in Love with the person I believed him to be. It hurts to think that I am not pleasing him on every level, being the physical attractiveness. I know I am not his type, and I really don't think I physically ever could be (he likes big big breasts, naturally long hair, and wide hips). After reading his blog, and reflecting on some aspects in our relationship, I could be paranoid, but I feel like he is trying to steer me into this image by making subtle suggestions to have me change into a more attractive woman by his definition and standard. He likes all the things that I cannot be for him and it makes me feel like he is wasting his time with me, because I am not really what he wants.

So my question is: Does TRUE Love conquer all, or do the biological forces driving physical attractiveness outweigh the concept of romantic Love and soulmates?

As much as it hurts, I really just want to know the truth about how he feels, and I don't even know how to begin to ask as I fear he will take it as me being insecure, as far as I see it, that is not the case. I want someone to be with me because they are attracted to me on ALL levels, not simply because they are convincing themselves that they find me physically desirable.

Please no rude or diverting comments.

Thanks,
Leira7

edit on 30-1-2014 by leira7 because: words

You point out that is his oldest blog.
While an individual is attracted to a "type" that be no means suggests he's not attracted to other types.

Over all, I think you are taking a blog post (from what I assume was written before you were dating) too personally.

The bigger question I think that needs to be addressed is why are you even considering this an issue. You said he is your fiance. He asked or agreed to marry you. Regardless of how it happen, you are now bonded. If it's really messing with you, ask him.

reply to post by leira7


hello leira7 what are you beating yourself up over his stupid blog it is like reading someones diary you find things that you wish you had not but the damage is done now girl and he is none the wiser .

i like ferrari's but i will never get one but it does not stop me dreaming or talking about them same here he is with you not some racy model with nice alloys .

next time you see some well stacked girl mention that in 20 years she will be dragging them in a wheel barrow with her and the sore backs that go with them - good things come in small packages and all .

he is in your bed -nuff said

when he is asleep take 30 bucks out of his wallet and get your hair done make yourself happy at his expence and if he catches you tell him some random nut on the net told you so .

your welcome first session is free 100 bucks a hour therafter your cured


next

reply to post by leira7


Come on, now. How many women out there are "crazy" about certain actors, etc., yet are still truly madly in love with their husbands/fiances/boyfriends? Just because he posted a blog stating that he likes a certain type of woman does not mean one little bit that he isn't truly in love with you and doesn't find you very attractive.

Give him more credit than what you are. Just because he's a guy doesn't mean he is incapable of truly loving you while also finding another type of woman attractive.

Chin up! You're worrying yourself too much.

snarky412
reply to post by leira7

 

Appearance isn't everything

edit on 30-1-2014 by snarky412 because: (no reason given)

But I want it to be something.
I suppose that I should have mentioned that I lived a very sheltered life. I was not permitted to date until 18, because my parents were super religious and they kept telling me to wait for marriage, but I didn't, because I had no idea how to socialize with the opposite sex. I ended up caving in to the first guy I ever made physical contact with, and later, just kept having sex, considering myself to have been damaged goods at the time.

I have NEVER enjoyed sex, I used to believe that sex could potentially make people fall in Love, and not the other way around. I still hold that to be true, and if you ask me, I believe the carnal desire and passion is what bonds humans stronger than mental reasoning. I have never actually physically been with someone that I personally found attractive, because of my fear of actually enjoying sex. When I found him, I'm not going to lie, I was overwhelmed by a primordial lust and attraction like i have NEVER felt before. It was so strong, that initially, I really hated him, but I didn't realize why until I figured out that it was because of how attracted I was to him.

I know he did not feel the same way the first time that he saw me. I have done everything that I can to "sell" my personality to him, but now, I question why I ever had to try so hard in the first place. We didn't physically connect on our first date like I had hoped would happen, I was ready to go all in, but he seemed to have some reservation about taking it to that level of intimacy.

I'm not insecure about myself personally. I can do really bad all by myself and enjoy every second of it, trust, but in this relationship, his lack of desire has made me feel insufficient when factoring the two of us together. By myself, I have no issues with me, I am very attracted to me, even to the extreme of narcissism (truthfully), I just wish he was as obsessed with me as I am with him on a physical level.

By myself, I have no issues with me, I am very attracted to me, even to the extreme of narcissism (truthfully), I just wish he was as obsessed with me as I am with him on a physical level.

I honestly don't know how to reply now, I'd say your guy probably deserves a beer.

reply to post by leira7


leira7,

Just how old is this blog that you read?

Do you realise that what a person thinks they want, and what they need more than air itself are often two very different things? Most people could not define their ideal partner in text format. They try, I know I used to try... Fact is though, that the nature of love, true love, is that you never know how it will strike, or from what quarter.

I would not read anything in to his previous writings if I were you, because what you must understand is that he, your fiancée, would probably look back at that blog, and think "now there speaks a naive, foolish, and blinkered man". He may even find himself wishing he had not been so silly as to think, looking at things with hindsight, to think that he could have known back then, any damned thing about the man he is today, or what his desires might be.

Consider time, consider love, and leave this blog where it belongs, in the file marked "blather one would not have written, if one had known the joy that lay ahead".

Looked at another way, he wrote this some time ago right? But he spends his NOW with you. In this life, it can be considered that all we can be sure of is that as human beings, all we have is the moment we are in, in which to live our lives and be joyful in the doing of it. He chooses to spend his moments with you, and that means more than what he wrote. Actions... They really do speak louder than words, particularly those written in blogs!

PLAYERONE01

By myself, I have no issues with me, I am very attracted to me, even to the extreme of narcissism (truthfully), I just wish he was as obsessed with me as I am with him on a physical level.

I honestly don't know how to reply now, I'd say your guy probably deserves a beer.

Word.

reply to post by leira7


Just out of curiosity, how long have you guys been together?

If he sensed that you came from a sheltered life, he might be treating you with respect and may not feel right making advances towards you on your first date or 2, afraid he'll scare you off
Not sure how much of your background you told him early on, so just assuming

And I can't relate to not enjoying sex....sorry
It is wonderful/pleasurable not to mention a great stress relaxer
Oh and sex is NOT a sin, in case that was instilled in you by your over religious parents

If he likes you, don't question why
Just go with it

reply to post by leira7


It depends on the mental constitution, self discipline, and selflessness of the person to decide wether they are capable of true love or if their love will always be blinded by carnal desires in the opposite sex.

Chances are if a person gets engaged to a person then they are each others 'type' for now at least.

Sometimes peoples needs and attractions vary and I can say that whilst I generally have a type of man I am attracted to, ie, tall, strong, fit, long legs, slim build, certain depth of voice, certain level of masculinity, good looking, intelligent, good natured, funny, cultured, a certain level of maturity and responsibility and a certain level of education.

There have been times especially in my 20's when the more physical attributes only mattered rather than the other features and personality aspects I require in a 'settled' relationship and as for engagement and marriage, he would have to have all of the features as well as there being major chemical and physical attraction.

reply to post by leira7


His type is for him to decide, not for you to see if you fit. Perhaps you are judging yourself too harshly and you fit exactly what he wrote without even knowing or realizing.

I bet you are everything he wrote about and more.

Hi L,

Just the fact that he chose you to be his wife and share his life with you (till death do you part) should reveal the truth of his desires, thoughts, and wishes for you both. Unless, you have reason to question his sincerity. Has he given you any cause for worry, or for this insecurity on your part at the present time? If not and if he shows he desires you in all ways, then let it go and move forward with what truths you know to be true. Although, this would be a good start to open the gates of communication in the relationship because communicating is one of the most important factors for a healthy relationship and deflating the elephant in the room, so to speak. Wouldn't it be nice for him to have the opportunity to dispel those insecurities and free you from doubt and worry?

People mature and change throughout one's lifetime, so don't take to heart what he may have thought that he wanted years ago, or you could ask yourself if the man you are about to invest your whole soul and life into is superficial and perhap will not be totally committed to you for life, come what may (in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer)?

Then again, I believe true, romantic love with whom you believe is your soulmate (and we can have many soulmates) has nothing to do with physical looks or lust, it's a complex mix of timing, chemical, physical and metaphysical needs and variables that I can only describe as 'magic'.

Keep in mind though, some men in loving, committed relationships will keep 'looking' at other women, just as some women will do too, it doesn't mean they want to abandon their existing relationship (although some may say they are committing adultery by thinking sexual thoughts).

We are sexual creatures and there is no denying that fact, but most committed people in relationships adopt the "look but don't touch" attitude, so don't get upset when his eyes wander, esp. to fake buxom types (which I consider a form of self-mutilation). Don't you ever look at other men - I do?

I've been married for many years now and my hubby and I have come to this conclusion..."better the devil you know than the devil you don't', which means that it is often better to deal with someone or something you are familiar with and know, even if they are not ideal, than take a risk with an unknown person or thing. He and I also know, from observation of others' failed relationships, that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I agree with the others... mens "taste" changes as they get older, grow, experience. His "perfect woman" is likely a fantasy woman.. and that doesnt apply to you or real life anyway Guys.. correct me if Im wrong.. when you were younger ( or if you were) you would slap together your fantasy woman. Much like a Mrs. Potato head... something youd never see in real life.. much less get. LOL!!

OP.. Id just have an honest and open conversation with him concerning it. If you cant open up to your partner.. what are you together for anyway? Ive been with my husband for a little over 20 years. We lived together forever... and I didnt see the point in a marriage and was just as committed to him. He to me. Later on we got married due to military stuff, but when there is something there.. there is something there. Past ideas and etc dissolve when you are with the person you are supposed to be with. Your connection and attraction never disappears. We are both getting older, our looks are changing, and he has said to me many times that Im more sexy as Ive gotten older. I have thought the same about him. YOUR ( and his) TASTE CHANGES over time! My husband started out with blonde, skinny as a rail, long poofy hair, "all American" cheerleader types as HIS type... Ive seen the pics with my own eyes... then in the end over the yrs wound up with me : short black hair, dark skin, short stature, muscular, big boobs, high energy, wild as a hare, aggressive type A, one generation off the rez NDN. LOL! Could you get any different that what his "type" was before he met me?

You just need a good open talk with him and understand that men are wacky wonderful creatures.. theyre baffling. Trying to figure them out isnt hard though. He likes you, he wants you. There really isnt much more to figure out. They are by far not as complex as women... so dont attribute the same complexities... youll drive yourself nuts!