Am I wrong to HATE my mom?

I feel kinda the same about my mother, I do not like her at all, if she wasnt my mother I would not even talk to her....my thought is, you give her a choice, either change her ways or you will change her living arrangement, leave a couple pamphlets for assisted living places laying around where she will find them when she is snooping, and at least check into somethig like that, your dad said to take care of her. He didnt say she had to live with you, if you are making sure she is looked after then you are taking care of her.

reply to post by dreamingawake


I tried helping her and she doesn't want it. I just felt like venting this all out on a public forum because I feel this taking a huge mental toll on me. I was 21 when I started looking after her, almost 24 now. Sigh

reply to post by Versus


you are not you'r mother but you will turn into her if you throw her out she will win the battle and game over you will spend the rest of you'r life thinking about it .

i am in the same boat as you i have to look after my mother who left me with my grandmother at 2 years old but i am the only one of 3 children who does anything for her but i will not hate her i pitty her as she is close to death now and as they say blood is thicker than water .

show her you are a better person than she ever was and remember happy thoughts

Versus
reply to post by TruthLover557

 

No there isn't. If only she new English and learnt how the world worked. My mom is 63 years old, live in America and had always depended on other to take care of her. She has weird self-entitlement issues.

My heart goes out to you, and your little sister. The fact is, some people are just plain toxic. It's not your responsibility to continue to subject yourself, and little sister, to an unhealthy environment. If your mom were a stranger, would you allow her to treat you and your little sister the way she does? I'm sure you wouldn't. You own nothing to a dying father who asked from you, something that is so damaging to you, and your little sister. Your mother is a grown woman, she has chosen the way she wants to be, or is mentally ill, and should get help, beyond what you can offer her.

Since you mentioned she does not speak English. I would suggest you find a church or organization from her culture, and ask them for help in dealing with her. Maybe she would respond in a different manner to those of her own culture, but not the children she is used to abusing. Be honest with them. Tell them you can no longer take care of her, as her needs are beyond your ability to fill anymore. And, you now have to put the safety and well being of your little sister first.

You must put your little sister first now. She is growing and being shaped by her environment. You are the only one who can make sure she has the best tools to go into life with. Your mother will not do that for her.

I wish you the best of luck. You sound like a really caring person, torn between a promise that is not possible to keep, and wanting to save the sanity of yourself and your little sister. I'm here for you, if you need someone to talk to.

Des

reply to post by Destinyone


Thank you for your kind words. But my mom would not even accept help from any church or org. I once left her with friends of the family and they had call me to tell me my mom and left their house and found her scavenging the streets for cigarette leftovers. That's when I knew I had to quit my job as I could not depend on people cause they had their own lives. I have no idea what attributes to how my mom behaves...

Versus
reply to post by Destinyone

 

Thank you for your kind words. But my mom would not even accept help from any church or org. I once left her with friends of the family and they had call me to tell me my mom and left their house and found her scavenging the streets for cigarette leftovers. That's when I knew I had to quit my job as I could not depend on people cause they had their own lives. I have no idea what attributes to how my mom behaves...

Based on what you've said here. I strongly suggest you make an appointment and take your mother in for a mental health evaluation. As much as I'm opposed to most medications, there are some that do help with some mental health issues. Have her completely evaluated, and it may turn out that she is diagnosed as a danger to herself if left in a normal home environment, and may be admitted to a treatment facility that could greatly help her, and provide a support group for you to better understand on how to deal with her. You do need a support group. You sound as if you are at the end of your rope. You need some breathing space.

Keep looking for solutions.

Des

reply to post by Destinyone


Well, I could never get her to go without getting physical, simply would not comply. I mentioned earlier she was diagnosed with diabetes and liver problem in which I had to give her money so she would go get examined. And when the bill came and the insurance didn't cover I had to division in my own pockets which was hundreds. On top of that I had to pay her medication IN WHICH SHE DOESN'T TAKE. Complete waste of time and money. Sorry for caring I guess?

I'm sorry if this feel like ranting. At this point I'm just looking for sympathy rather than solutions. Just felt like I had to vent for my own sanity.

reply to post by Versus


She sounds like she is beyond your control and ability to care for. Call an ambulance to come pick her up to take her in for a mental evaluation. If she puts up a huge fight, they will take her in and admit her for observation and evaluate her then. You don't have to get physical with her to make sure she is not a danger to herself and others. All you have to do is make a few calls to set up an appointment, and call an ambulance to pick her up. You don't even have to tell her as she will throw a fit anyway, it sounds like. And, you certainly don't have to bribe her.

Des

reply to post by Destinyone


Yeah, in reality I might just have to. Just hope she covered from ambulance rides...

I mean guys, the way I'm describing her might not paint a vivid picture. She the kind of person you have to meet to believe that she exists. You'll be like "Wow, she such a vile person!" I'll be like "Yeah, she the devil, my mom."

I dont have a good relationship with my mother, I havnt spoken to her in 7 years. She basically stole hundreds of thousands of dollars off me, but she is certainly not the worlds worst mother...

That title goes to my best friends mother, without going into too much detail (since her story isnt mine to tell) she sold her own daughter as a child prostitute, from age 0 to when my friend ran away from home at age 11.

Hope that puts things in perspective.

reply to post by binaryangel


My mom contemplated dumping my little sister in a dumpster my dad told me until he talked her out of it. And we grew up on the mean streets of Chicago. Hell, when my dad went to work he had to call friends to look after my mom so she wouldn't do anything crazy.

reply to post by Versus


Sorry if it came off as it did, my point was not to have a pissing contest on who has the worst mother. It was to highlight we all have tenuous relationships, and we all have our own expectations of family. I thought my mother was the most despicable person in the world for ripping me off, tried to put me in jail and left me homeless. Then I met my best friend who had a highly abusive childhood; she still has contact with her mother--kinda makes me feel like a bitch for not having anything to do with mine.

We all have a line in the sand. You seem to be getting very close to yours, I hope you dont have to reach the point where she can no longer be a part of your life, but you have to be a little bit selfish sometimes; your own life is your priority.

Does your mom ever entertain the idea that you will soon be living a life away from her? Have you brought up this idea to her? If not, you should. She needs to be prepared for a life that doesn't depend on you.


When I was 23, the recession hit, and I was laid off from the newspaper and had to move back in with my mom. It took me four months to find a job and we fought constantly. One night we had the biggest fight we had ever had and I physically picked her up and removed her from my room. The next morning I walked past her in the kitchen with my rolling suitcase in tow, ignored her and didn't look back. Two weeks later, on the morning of my 24th birthday, I received word that she had drowned in a pool. Nothing in this world compares to my desire to go back and leave things right with her. I bring this up only to say that there is something to be said of going about things the right way when it comes to your family, as hard as it can be. I believe you will find solace by finding a solution to this problem that is best for your mom and best for you at the same time.

My heart goes out to you.

reply to post by binaryangel


Sorry if it seemed I was trying to "outdo" you as well. Truth is we are all unfortunate...sigh.

reply to post by TruthLover557


I don't think solace is the answer. She's so abrasive and indifferent and has been so since forever, really can't be reasoned with. The caring nature my dad had instilled in me is my folly.

And a life without me mean living on the streets. I don't think I have it in me to do it

Something doesn't ring as really truthful about your victimization. I feel as though the readers are to be pitying you instead of your telling us how you are dealing with this situation----the best for all 3 of you.

You have a house and care for your sister and you don't work.. (you are home 24/7?)? How do you support yourself? How does your mother make money? Are all the stories, you've heard, the truth?

I forget if I read anything about Community Heath Care, and if your mother is this bad, can you not have her committed? This would require medical opinions, not family opinions.

Is there not a Community organization for a disabled child? to take the responsibility from you, at 24, who ought to be working and paying your bills, having a life, and doing what is best for you?

It is only when we do what is best for ourselves that we can reach a point of be able to help others. Does "mom" interfere with your social/love life? Find her a "baby-sitter"!

BTW, my daughter "passed on me" about her age 12, and she is now 49. I didn't beg or plead for anything, if this is what she wanted.....and the long run was she is a lesbian and was confused, at age 12 (1976). She kept "moving further and further away from me", until she finally discovered her true sexual identity in 2005 (age 41). She finally told me in 2010, but too much time has passed for us to ever be mother and daughter again. Her reason at age 12 was that she couldn't deal with a disabling accident that I had when she was 5 (1969).

There is no settling of problems amongst family, relatives, friends, etc. unless the whole truth has been told, and told from the beginning in order for all to understand. Each of us has our own problems, and they are OUR problems, no one else's, if we make them so.

I have dealt with my disability, on my own from 1969 to the present, because I am the one who knows best what is best for me. I have dealt with a daughter who abandoned me because that is just between the two of us and I still don't know her reasoning. I said that because, if you think about it, only you can help yourself in the manner in which you hold to be a truth, or an untruth!

Versus
reply to post by MrLimpet

 

My mom is the devil. She has:
- Stolen money from family
- Cheated on my dad 3 times
- Abused her children
- Caught her smoking in front of newborns
- ruined my home, tabacco spits and cigarette ashes all over my house very unhygenic
- prayed for my death
- thrown away thousand of dollars worth of electronics; laptop/games

And many other things.

yeah she is right up there with Stalin or Hitler.....I mean...she threw out games?

no it is not ok to hate your mom or anyone else for that matter. It is ok to hate their actions and even dislike their personalities but hate just eats you up. If you can....you should get away from her daily influence but you gotta take care of lil' sis. She needs you and it sounds like you are all she has.

Sounds like your dad loved your mom very much, your lucky
to have had parents who loved each other so.
There must have been a good reason for your dad to have
stayed and still love her all those years. Bless their hearts.
STOP BLAMING HER FOR YOUR SISTER'S DOWN SYNDROME ! ! !
Know wonder she doesn't like you,
she probably feels bad as it is, giving herself mental anguish.
Let her know that down syndrome is caused by an error in cell division
that results in an extra 21st chromosome. NOT FROM ABUSE.
Although older women over 40 have more of a chance in having
down syndrome babies.
The unnecessary guilt/ignorance isn't helping her.
Tell her the truth.
Stop blaming her.
And lastly, look into getting a psw support worker to give your self
a break now and then. Sounds as though you have burn out and
thus your first reaction is to look for someone to blame.
It's a natural reaction, as they say "you tend to hurt those
you love the most"

Versus
has down-syndrome thanks to my mother. Back when she was pregnant my
mom admitted to not wanting her and so started drinking.

INFO ABOUT DOWN SYNDROME :
Down Syndrome: Frequently Asked Questions

What Causes Down Syndrome?

. . . many people are going to spend christmas all alone this year,
at least you have family.
___________________________________

reply to post by canadiansenior70


Since 14 I've been working saving up money knewing how my life would turn out. My parents weren't exactly young when they had me or my sister, almost in their 50s. As a young teen I had to take the advantage of living freely and save money. So I'm living on savings, my sister gets money from the gov., in which I use to spend on her.

reply to post by ToneDeaf


No, he didn't love her. He only felt obligated to take care of her since he had convinced her to come here from their country.

Whatever contributed to DS doesn't even matter, fact is she's neglective and abusive.