I don't understand my mother

I don't understand my mother and I have a hard time forgiving her.

I think she's a hypocrite.

Because she is very interested in spirituality, she always wanted to "work with helping people", she always tries to appear gentle, humane, caring etc. etc.

Yet she was always a very indifferent and neglectful mother. She didn't teach me about anything when I grew up. She didn't spend much time with me at all, and didn't want to. She seemed annoyed by me most of the time, as if she wished she hadn't given birth to me. She was always like a teenager that has to babysit for money but constantly wishes she was somewhere else. I could list many more things but in case she reads this one day I don't want to put too many specific details here.

So I guess my point with the thread is to get some feedback to maybe help me understand her better or to be able to forgive her.

I am very interested in spirituality so it seems like I have that in common with her. But I have a negative feeling about having that in common with her because I can't forgive her. For example there was a book I was thinking about reading, and then I saw my mother talking about it on her website. So now I don't want to read that book at all.

reply to post by introspectionist


How old is she? How old are you? Do you have siblings?

That's just a start. But -- have you ever confronted her with her neglectfulness and indifference? Does she know how you see her?

Other questions would be, how was she raised by HER parents, and what about you father? Is he around?

(I have training to help you, and experience as well. My mom is now 75, and we get along like champs - but we didn't always. Anyway, these are the first questions I would ask in order to begin to help you sort it out. I can't sort it out for you, but I can give you tools to figure it out, and ideas that might help you achieve your own goals. Do you WANT to get along with her?)

Sorry to say but she sounds narcistic...

reply to post by introspectionist


You sound young honestly and a tad immature.

You won't read a book because your mother is talking about it???

If your mother is into spirituality and you are as well then maybe you two should sit down and talk to each other. You need to let her know how you feel or you will always have this resentment towards her.

reply to post by introspectionist


Some people are altruistic....they can love humanity as a whole, but can't seem to do that on a one-to-one basis.
Does she have trouble with other personal relationships, or is it just yours? ( I don't mean friendships; I'm talking the give-and-take of CLOSE relationships.)
The only people who ever hugged me, or said " I love you" growing up were two grandparents, and it created a stumbling block that took a lot of effort to overcome. My emotions are so closely guarded that I seem like a 'cold fish' on the surface.
Just one more point: Psychiatrists say the personality you show the world is opposite of your true inner personality. I have found that to be very true in life.
The 'sweetheart' that everybody adores is the most formidable when crossed, and that old crouch around town probably has the most tender heart you could ever see.
Nugget

wildtimes
reply to post by introspectionist

 

How old is she? How old are you? Do you have siblings?

That's just a start. But -- have you ever confronted her with her neglectfulness and indifference? Does she know how you see her?

Other questions would be, how was she raised by HER parents, and what about you father? Is he around?

(I have training to help you, and experience as well. My mom is now 75, and we get along like champs - but we didn't always. Anyway, these are the first questions I would ask in order to begin to help you sort it out. I can't sort it out for you, but I can give you tools to figure it out, and ideas that might help you achieve your own goals. Do you WANT to get along with her?)

I'm in my twenties and she's in her forties. I do have siblings. I have never told her about how I feel about her. I would assume that she knows that I hate her though, from how I have been acting when I have met her and from how I have avoided her. I know that her childhood was quite rough and cold. She divorced my father.

nugget1
reply to post by introspectionist

 

Some people are altruistic....they can love humanity as a whole, but can't seem to do that on a one-to-one basis.
Does she have trouble with other personal relationships, or is it just yours? ( I don't mean friendships; I'm talking the give-and-take of CLOSE relationships.)
The only people who ever hugged me, or said " I love you" growing up were two grandparents, and it created a stumbling block that took a lot of effort to overcome. My emotions are so closely guarded that I seem like a 'cold fish' on the surface.
Just one more point: Psychiatrists say the personality you show the world is opposite of your true inner personality. I have found that to be very true in life.
The 'sweetheart' that everybody adores is the most formidable when crossed, and that old crouch around town probably has the most tender heart you could ever see.
Nugget

She doesn't seem to have trouble at all with her man. She divorced my father so there was something that she found troublesome with the relationship with him.

mblahnikluver
reply to post by introspectionist

 

You sound young honestly and a tad immature.

You won't read a book because your mother is talking about it???

If your mother is into spirituality and you are as well then maybe you two should sit down and talk to each other. You need to let her know how you feel or you will always have this resentment towards her.

Well yeah...

What is maturity? Probably part of it is about the troubles I'm having. Why do you think I posted this thread? Why do you think I went to psychiatry? (but quit) Why do you think I'm interested in psychedelic drugs, meditation and spirituality/religion? To be honest in a way I'm grateful for having been "immature", hating my parents, and suffered, and been lonely, rejected, and just generally very unsuccessful in life. Because it has led me onto a lot of deep stuff. People that call me immature are usually the kind of people that have never experienced the shadow in the way I have, shallow people. I don't wish to trade places with such people for one second.

reply to post by introspectionist

I have never told her about how I feel about her. I would assume that she knows that I hate her though, from how I have been acting when I have met her and from how I have avoided her. I know that her childhood was quite rough and cold. She divorced my father.

Well, never 'assume she knows'. Acting out hatefully is going to get you nowhere, first of all, except even further from understanding her. My husband avoids his mom, too - and I was the one who received emails and texts from her - until I told her that she and he would have to figure it out on their own.

She said, "I didn't know we had an issue." And I believe her.

So...okay. First, she needs to know how you feel before she can address her ownership of why you feel that way.

Her childhood was quite rough and cold: that indicates her own parents didn't teach her HOW TO BE A GOOD MOM. We learn parenting from our parents: either we repeat what they did, or we reject what they did and find another way. Chances are good she hasn't got a clue how her own upbringing impacted the way she mothered you.

Why did she divorce your dad? Do you still see him? Do you get along?

Next: What is your goal in terms of your relationship with her?
Do you want to mend fences and understand her? Or just get away from her?

introspectionist

mblahnikluver
reply to post by introspectionist

 

You sound young honestly and a tad immature.

You won't read a book because your mother is talking about it???

If your mother is into spirituality and you are as well then maybe you two should sit down and talk to each other. You need to let her know how you feel or you will always have this resentment towards her.

Well yeah...

What is maturity? Probably part of it is about the troubles I'm having. Why do you think I posted this thread? Why do you think I went to psychiatry? (but quit) Why do you think I'm interested in psychedelic drugs, meditation and spirituality/religion? To be honest in a way I'm grateful for having been "immature", hating my parents, and suffered, and been lonely, rejected, and just generally very unsuccessful in life. Because it has led me onto a lot of deep stuff. People that call me immature are usually the kind of people that have never experienced the shadow in the way I have, shallow people. I don't wish to trade places with such people for one second.

Regarding my statement above I have been thinking about this line that is in the Gospel of Thomas:

Jesus said, "Whoever does not hate father and mother cannot be my disciple, and whoever does not hate brothers and sisters, and carry the cross as I do, will not be worthy of me."

I am perplexed by that statement. But maybe there is some truth to that. Because I honestly feel that my hate towards my parents was a major contributing factor to my misery and lack of success in life, and that in turn was a major contributing factor to me becoming a spiritual seeker.

I wonder if your mother is an introspective, shy type of personality. If so, that would just add to the difficulty of being a single mother raising children. I would suggest you have lots of time to work through your resentment and I would definitely read the book on your mother's website because this may give you some insight into where she is now, so to speak. So, perhaps, you could both have a common platform or starting point to take you both further into a new relationship. I wonder what you mother thinks about you?

Would you mind posting the title of the book for me?

When I was your age, I read the book "Don't Blame Mother", and it was very educational, and so I would like to suggest that you read it as well.

Too often mothers are blamed for all problems. Paula Caplan shows that we've got it all wrong. In her classic work, Caplan reveals the true causes of anguish between mothers and daughters and their roots in social arrangements and myths about mothers. She shows how they can re-evaluate the barriers between them to gain a new appreciation of each other and their relationship. With compassionate advice and moving personal stories, Caplan shows how we can come to love each other more fully and accept each other and ourselves, become each other's allies, and, at best, find the love we have lost and create new possibilities for caring about each other.

www.paulajcaplan.net...

reply to post by introspectionist

She divorced my father so there was something that she found troublesome with the relationship with him.

Unfortunate that she didn't tell you why she divorced him. Again, is he still in touch with you? He could probably give you some insight (if he doesn't just hate her guts and want to turn you even further from her - so be careful there). Still, you are an "emerging adult" now, and there's nothing wrong with asking her why she divorced him, or why she was so indifferent to you. Just be prepared to HEAR her answer. This requires remaining calm, and actively listening.

Do your siblings agree with you? Where are they?

To add a bit of disclosure: My kids are 25 and nearly 23. They know why their dad and I divorced. They also know why I divorced two other husbands...because I told them. We are close; they are also close to their dad (actually he and I are close, too - and we co-parented them all along - we divorced when they were very young (too young to remember), but we BOTH contributed to their upbringing, and worked together when the tough stuff came/comes up.

Many parents feel that their kids 'shouldn't hear those things' or that 'it's grownup stuff - don't share your dirty laundry with your kids'. If that was her style, then she did you (IMO) a disservice.

Do you think you could manage to open a dialogue with her? If so, would you call, write, email, text? How would you approach her to find out what you need (yes, need) to know? How often?

Would you prefer small doses, few and far between? Or a marathon sit-down and hash it out?

reply to post by introspectionist

I honestly feel that my hate towards my parents was a major contributing factor to my misery and lack of success in life, and that in turn was a major contributing factor to me becoming a spiritual seeker.

Yeah, hatred is never productive. It's unpleasant, a horrible burden to carry. But it's too early to decide you are a total failure at life. What things did you 'fail' to do, and how do you handle your misery? Do you "blame" them (your parents) for your misery?

Becoming a seeker is great, however!! What is the book, btw?

Do you like to read? I could recommend some great books for you.

Thanks for the feedback and the book tip.

I meet my dad very rarely and exchange emails or talk on the phone very rarely. I have no communication at all with my mother.

I don't want to say what book it is that I talked about because if she reads this she might understand it's her. I want to try to be anonymous.

I do wish that the relationship would be good, or at least that I could let go of the burden by forgiving.

mblahnikluver
reply to post by introspectionist

 

You sound young honestly and a tad immature.

You won't read a book because your mother is talking about it???

If your mother is into spirituality and you are as well then maybe you two should sit down and talk to each other. You need to let her know how you feel or you will always have this resentment towards her.

The least productive post in the thread got the most stars. I'm getting to know what kind of people are on this forum...

reply to post by introspectionist

I do wish that the relationship would be good, or at least that I could let go of the burden by forgiving.

Well, that's a great starting point.

And I admire your appreciation for your mom's dignity in not "divulging who she is" on an anonymous message board.

It would help you a lot to get some further information about how your mom was brought up; about her childhood, teen years, marriage, and outlook on life.

The best way to get answers is to ask her. Just simply ask her, as a human who was born to her:

What was your life like, mom? I'm struggling to understand some things, and I would like your help in making sense of it. I want to make things better between us.
Did you know that I felt neglected and that you seemed indifferent? Do you know how angry I am?

She might honestly have no idea.
She might also have a personality disorder of some kind. But you can't know unless you investigate.

I understand, believe me, how frustrating it is. I, for example, would LOVE to pick the brain of my mother-in-law's mother (who is still living), and her now-husband, to find out what they know, and how they see her. I've thought about it, believe me.

But, it's not "my" family - not really - and I keep it that way, because I see the tension and hurt whenever I'm around them.

introspectionist

mblahnikluver
reply to post by introspectionist

 

You sound young honestly and a tad immature.

You won't read a book because your mother is talking about it???

If your mother is into spirituality and you are as well then maybe you two should sit down and talk to each other. You need to let her know how you feel or you will always have this resentment towards her.

The least productive post in the thread got the most stars. I'm getting to know what kind of people are on this forum...

Oh because I don't tell you what you want to hear you are going to pitch a fit on the internet?

Type of people? What those who won't sugar coat crap for you??

Sorry but your post makes you sound childish. Not reading a book because your mom is talking about it? I mean sorry but how immature can you get?

If you don't want other peoples opinions, good or bad, don't post on the internet.

Don't feel bad, I have never been able to understand women. If a guy starts to think he can, then he is wrong and should be seeing a psychiatrist. He is obviously delusional.

rickymouse
Don't feel bad, I have never been able to understand women. If a guy starts to think he can, he is obviously delusional.

Good point.

But yeah, a lot of parents, mothers AND fathers, are like that. They'll extend understanding to complete strangers before their own kids. I'll never understand that.

Taupin Desciple

rickymouse
Don't feel bad, I have never been able to understand women. If a guy starts to think he can, he is obviously delusional.

Good point.

But yeah, a lot of parents, mothers AND fathers, are like that. They'll extend understanding to complete strangers before their own kids. I'll never understand that.

I was guilty of that as a parent. I look back at it and wonder if I was a little insane. Now I pay attention to what kids say but see that most people still don't