My marriage has been dying...today it died.

For too long I have tried to hold it all together for the sake of our two young boys....stupid...I know.

12 years....it will be 13 this coming March but, today...finally today....I accepted that it's too unhealthy for all involved to continue this partnership.

I want out..I've wanted out for awhile if I'm honest with myself. I just tried so hard to give my kids a life of stability and comfort that I wasn't familiar with growing up....I honestly convinced myself that I was doing the best thing for all of us.

Funny how our own minds can trick ourselves into believing what we want to believe isn't it?

Funny or tragic - depending on one's perspective.

I'm far from perfect and have made my own mistakes in this relationship....mainly by trying to become someone that I never felt I was suppose to become. I own that and realize that I am part of the problem.

I wasn't suppose to have children but, when it happened....I thought that it meant I was suppose to change myself....embrace the miracle and what not.

So.....I changed everything about myself to become the best mother I knew how to be...and when I say everything about myself..I mean just about everything. Every fiber of my being! I put everything into becoming the best wife, the best mother that I could ever be.

I gave up my career to stay at home and take care of my little miracles because the thought of them being taken care of by strangers sent chills through my bones....I will never regret that choice...EVER!

However, it has left me with a void.....I've lost myself...and now my marriage is over too.

I'm no stranger the bumps in life...not by a long shot but, this situation has my head in a tailspin because it's not just my life that my decisions effect.....it effects the lives of the very souls I changed my life for....my little miracles.

I'm rambling...I know.

I'm just trying to come to grips with the fact that I screwed up by trying to do what I thought was right. Turns out it was the worst thing I could have done for all involved.

we all change ourselves in someway or another.

i also used to believe i would never have kids.
but then my boy came along, but my choice of mother was bad.

we cannot get along. we fight over nothing. she has irrational moodswings and i cannot tolerate irrational mood swings.

at some point you have to say this is toxic for us both. not matter what you FEEL, the truth is in reality those feelings are only a small part of the overall daily grind

with all the other living pressures in our world today (and ATS adding to our bleak view of how our world is progressing) its only natural we will seek something calmer.

i hope you have the best of luck finding yourself. or realising, you were never lost, just trying to keep the peace.

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric
Turns out it was the worst thing I could have done for all involved.

I doubt that, kids need two parents, especially during those early years.
I done the same as you, but in reverse, I kept it all together until they were 14/15 then I gave the other half an ultimatum, Cut the crap or get out! She chose to leave. We replaced here with a dog, and we all agreed it was the best thing we ever did.

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric

12 years....it will be 13 this coming March but, today...finally today....I accepted that it's too unhealthy for all involved to continue this partnership.

Congratulations for coming to the realization and acting. It doesn't matter so much how you got to where you are, but that you understand where you are now and act on it.

I stayed in a bad marriage 37 years, long after I should have left for the good of my children, but I finally got the courage and my only regret is waiting so long.

Always wondered about he 'no divorce' in the bible. No one should have to live with a mistake make in youth... and we all make them all the time.

Best wishes to you.

reply to post by VoidHawk


I'm thinking a springer spaniel, what did you go with?

Sorry to hear that.
I don't know if is of any help, but from here on it can only get better.
I stayed almost ten years in a marriage for the sake of our 2 kids; it was hell on earth, all the while pretending that all is great. When I finally gathered the courage to cut it out for good, that was the day I started to breath again. I will never forget that first day of freedom, that overwhelming feeling that I would better die than go back. The only thing I regretted was that I waited so long. The kids were also much better after that.

Don't feel guilty; you did the best you knew. Now take a deep breath and start rebuilding your life anew.

ETA we too took a dog...and a fish!

Originally posted by superman2012
reply to post by VoidHawk

 

I'm thinking a springer spaniel, what did you go with?

Well a Rottweiler would have been similar to the x, but we got a Border Collie. Best thing that ever happened to us. Sadly he's been gone nearly three years now, but we had him for 17 years and what a ride that was. Owning a true Border Collie thats allowed to be himself is like being engaged in mental warfare

Originally posted by WhiteHat
I will never forget that first day of freedom, that overwhelming feeling that I would better die than go back. The only thing I regretted was that I waited so long. The kids were also much better after that.

I knew I'd done the right thing when one day, when I arrived home, for the first time in years, I didn't cringe when I opened the door. Wow!!

we took a dog...and a fish!

Dogs are the best therapy you can get, not sure about the fish though

Originally posted by liveandlearn

Always wondered about he 'no divorce' in the bible. No one should have to live with a mistake make in youth... and we all make them all the time.

Best wishes to you.

I just wanted to explain something there. The Bible DOESN"T SAY that divorce is forbidden. Jesus points out that Moses prescribed a procedure for divorce in the Jewish legal system. He refers his questioners to Jewish law. He DOES go on to say that kicking someone out of the house just because you want to marry "marry up" or for any transient reason is basically causing THAT person to sin.

But he says "Moses gave you a writ of divorcement---because of the hardenness of your hearts." In other words, when the heart is hardened, it's time to go.

Hardness of heart--like granite--irreversible--- is an adequate reason for divorce, and Jesus said so. He calls it 'infidelity', literally being unfaithful to your spouse.

Unfaithfullness covers a lot more than merely sleeping around.

LMAO! Why get married? Why have annoying little brats? Humans aren't designed to stay together for so long. Women are by nature hypergamous cheating animals that always go for the alphas and use the betas for slavery.

Everybody is better off alone and single.

Originally posted by Barthandelus
LMAO! Why get married? Why have annoying little brats? Humans aren't designed to stay together for so long. Women are by nature hypergamous cheating animals that always go for the alphas and use the betas for slavery.

Everybody is better off alone and single.

I guess it sucks to be a beta, then. The technical term is actually "peripheral male." The betas actually do pretty well for themselves in any medium-to-large primate troop; they are the lieutenants that carry out the commands of the central/alpha males.

Why get married? Why have annoying little brats? Humans aren't designed to stay together for so long. Women are by nature hypergamous cheating animals that always go for the alphas and use the betas for slavery. Everybody is better off alone and single.

You have to keep telling yourself that. Repeat it over and over, and maybe you can drown out the thoughts that you are missing out on one of the great adventures that life has to offer. Oh yeah, and emphasize that last line: It's someone else's fault. It's someone else's fault.

Originally posted by tovenar

Originally posted by Barthandelus
LMAO! Why get married? Why have annoying little brats? Humans aren't designed to stay together for so long. Women are by nature hypergamous cheating animals that always go for the alphas and use the betas for slavery.

Everybody is better off alone and single.

I guess it sucks to be a beta, then. The technical term is actually "peripheral male." The betas actually do pretty well for themselves in any medium-to-large primate troop; they are the lieutenants that carry out the commands of the central/alpha males.

Why get married? Why have annoying little brats? Humans aren't designed to stay together for so long. Women are by nature hypergamous cheating animals that always go for the alphas and use the betas for slavery. Everybody is better off alone and single.

You have to keep telling yourself that. Repeat it over and over, and maybe you can drown out the thoughts that you are missing out on one of the great adventures that life has to offer. Oh yeah, and emphasize that last line: It's someone else's fault. It's someone else's fault.

The beta-males NEVER get the hottest women. Matter of fact all women view beta males as tools to be used. You exist to DIE for her, Protect her, work for her, make her feel good. Everything is about HER needs and never the beta loser. The Alpha male places his needs first and rewards the female for obeying his desires.

How is marriage an adventure? If your too beta she'll cheat on you, child support, weddings are scams, society will always take her side if anything goes wrong. Let's not forget women can take all your damn hard earned money.

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric


A sane person will parachute out of a burning plane if a parachute is available. You have put the chute on.

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric


I feel sorry for you. You did the best you knew, thats good.
Somehow you lost the balance between whats good for you and whats good for others.
It seems now you know better, thats good too. There is much value in what you did.
Life is always changing us, thats ok. Imagine you would have a career but no children, does it feel better?

It seems to be a common enough mistake to stay together for the sake of the children. As my daughter told me after my divorce "It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one." Truer words were never spoken. Now I feel guilt for putting her through the hell she lived in. It was my choice to stay for her sake. I just never bothered to think what the emotional toll it placed on her. Kids are much more intuitive than we think, even at a very young age.