Alcoholic/Anorexic Parent - I can't cope with this anymore!

I have been dealing with my mum being this way since i can remember and i am 23 now and i need to escape.

Myself and my grandparents have done all that we can and even the doctors and social workers who have been dealing with her. She has been in 3 eating disorder units and also numerous trips to A&E and the last option for her was to go in to Rehab, but last week she declined going in to there after everything was set in to place for her to go there.

I know im 23 and i should have a job and move out but its not as easy at that, I have become depressed and i dont know whats going to happen one day to the next with my mum. Ive got a dog and she complains if i leave him at home with her or im worried that if i leave him there he will escape from the back gate as she has a tendancy to leave the back gate open ''by accident'' and this happens more when she is drunk.

I am worried to leave her alone but its also got to the point that i need to start a career now and im getting old and if she doesnt want to help herself i cant let her drag me down with her like what she has been doing.

Last year i went through her first fit and this year her liver numbers was high and then she ended up having a stroke. I seriously dont know how she is still alive.

When i last stayed at my boyfriends house my mum got drunk and took an overdose so its like i cant trust her staying by herself. Within a year she has took around 6 overdoses, its literally like a mad house living here and its only me and her!

This week because she had no money after spending them all on scratch cards, i found her in cashconverters trying to pawn my laptop and the next day i caught her with my grandads bonoculars which she was going to try and sell.

She snoops in my room all the time and i sometimes wake up to her going through my things. She threatens to kick me out all the time and i found out shes the person who put a horrible scratch down my car after her threatening to scratch it and another incident that happend so it was pretty obvious it was her.

I occasionally forget to wipe the side in the kitchen but i get screamed at because the house is a mess ( which it isn't ) she just likes it looking un lived in.

Constant arguments all the time and she loves me reacting to it, and shes a real attention seeker...
When shes drunk and its past 12am the music comes on and shes constantly screaming or crying and constantly shouting up at me to ask me or telling me silly things.
The other night at 3am me and my boyfriend was in bed and shes shouting me to come down stairs and blow a candle out because she doesnt want to go in to the front room, and if i dont me and my boyfriend will die in a house fire. She then shouts upstairs at me '' im making my bed in the garden'' and then its the front door opening and her saying '' ill call you later'' ( this is at 3am!! ) and so in the end i go down stairs and blow the candle out.

She is so disrespecful and her mum and dad ( my grandparent ) dont talk to her anymore because they are sick of it which i do not blame them! and im sick of it now ive had this since i was a far back as i remember and now i know from right to wrong or whats normal, i know how she brought me up was discusting ( having to go without gas or electric so she can buy her beer ) or ( her passing out and saying my name when im clearly infront of her saying ''mum ''mum'' at like 7 years old)

I'm scared living everyday not knowing when shes going to die and knowing theres nothing i can do to help her, she says she cant help being sick automatically but i know thats a massive lie and she can hold down the food!

At the moment i feel like im stuck/trapped living in a bubble and i just dont want to get up out of bed anymore, i could easly sleep all day. I feel like i am going to explode i just want to scream and i just dont know what to do anymore, i cant move anywhere, i have a few animals so the ymca is not an option for me no matter how desperate i am as i cant lose my animals. I am currently bidding at the moment but on the E band so i know i wont be getting a place anytime soon.
Its so depressing living in this house i just dont feel i can get on with my life living here the way i do as im always on edge.

I really need some advice as i just cant handle it anymore, im finding it hard to climb out of this massive hole

reply to post by BloodSister


There comes a point in time when someone is falling down a hole, and you reach down to help them out, but you can't pull them out and you have to decide whether or not it's a better option to be pulled down with them, or let them go. You can't always pull them out, esp by yourself. My advice, is to prepare for the worst, get your dog, and get the # outta there before she pulls you down with her. Reality is a cold snake rearing its ugly head, don't let it bite you in the ass.

reply to post by BloodSister


I know your pain.

Since you are ready to talk, you should try going to AA meetings. I know you are not the alcoholic, but you will be in the absolute right place to discuss what you are experiencing.

It's difficult, but you have to remember that you can't make your mom's choices for her. She is going to do what she is going to do.

You have your whole life ahead of you, and you can't be her caretaker.

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 15. I have been in recovery ever since, you never quite recover, that's the golden rule. I know everything there is to know about it, if you want to talk/vent to me or have questions concerning my recovery process, what has worked/has not/made it worse please U2U me.

Originally posted by BloodSister
I have been dealing with my mum being this way since i can remember and i am 23 now and i need to escape.

I am worried to leave her alone but its also got to the point that i need to start a career now and im getting old and if she doesnt want to help herself i cant let her drag me down with her like what she has been doing.

I know it is hard...but you need to save yourself. Seriously...your Mother needs to be left on her own...and perhaps she will face herself and finally get the help she needs.

Is there someone else you could stay with? A friend, another relative, your grand parents? If you could move somewhere else...and call her and/or look in on her once a day...perhaps that would work. You would then have time to live your own life...look for work...etc. instead of being held captive by her actions and illnesses; which (you are not responsible for).

My heart goes out to you...I hope you find a way.

You have to tell your mother that you are both adults and both will go the path you chose separately. Anorexia patients as well as alcoholics have traits of narcissism, when you bend to her needs you are enabling her, this only feeds her narcissism.

You have to move out and make clear that you will not enable her sick traits anymore. Far enough so she won´t be knocking on your door, change your phone number too. You are not responsible of her well being and when you deal with people with these disorders and obey their needs, you are only harming them by doing so because no-one else can help them to start recovering than themselves, the decision needs to be their own not made for them. You have tried unsuccessfully.

I hope for you to have strenght to start living your own life !

reply to post by BloodSister

I can relate a lot from a surviving parent as well as one of my in-laws parents. My best advice to you, and it's hard advice: Is move out. Your parent seems like they have, on top of other issues, an a depend disorder and chances are when you leave, they may attempt to hurt themselves or at least be very irrational in life decisions.

Depending on where you live you and your family, or if she complies, she can get her help. With that please contact family for that kind of influence in seeking mental health help and or rehab, even Alcoholics Anonymous. That may be the breaking point for them getting help. However, before you do that, hopefully you'll have time for composure in your own life, so you can help her.

For yourself, as draining as it will be, it will help you be able to release from the stress and depression:
If you are strapped financially, it's harder for females however, if you can find a local shelter and or stay with a friend until you can get your own place and financial means. Community services can help with employment as well.

You need to swim away from the sinking ship. There's nothing more you can do and I'd like to argue that you being there is only making things worse anyway. Get your animals and find a loved one that you can bunk with for a while until you find a stable job and income. From what it sounds like, your mother DOES thrive off of the attention. If you leave and take the attention away, it may take some of the wind out of her sails and make her stop and think about just how ridiculously stupid she is behaving. It may even make her seek help.

I have an uncle who's an alcoholic and I know it's rough. His family is broken apart, they never have money, he's always leeching off of my grandmother for money, their children are screwed up, etc. And he only cares about himself. That's what it does to them, it makes them only care about themselves. Just leave and let her wallow until she finds the gumption to help herself. In the end, they are the only ones that can pull themselves out anyway.

My heart goes out to you and your family & i wish you the best of luck. I can't give you any advice on how to deal with your situation, but I can clearly see that you are doing a good job on your part & you should be proud of what you are doing.

Here are some websites which you should visit. Post on their forums and ask the questions you have here, you'll be able to get a much better educated answer to your problems than here.

Just sign up & post, like you did here :

psychcentral.com...
www.mytherapycouch.com...
www.insightpsychological.ca...

Just do a Google search and some good ones will come up

You might want to look into speaking to a Cognitive behavioral therapist, they specifically target individuals with drug/alcohol problems, eating disorders, depression & anxiety, as well as a few others. Its available free on the NHS so if you go to your GP then specifically ask for a Cognitive behavioral therapist

Cognitive behavioral therapist
And for more info; Visit this link

Again, your doing a brilliant job. I know it will be getting you down and making you start to resent her, but just know that there is an end, eventually. Brilliant job so far and bravo for seeking further help for you both

Look at my avatar very closely

That's me riding away

On the back of my jacket is this



Nuff said

Cody

You have recieved good advice from your ATS family and I agree...you need to get out of there. Your mental and emotional well-being is important. Start concentrating on yourself and somehow getting above all this. Go to a doctor who may be able to help with your depression, maybe speak with a counselor. Once you feel a little better you can search for a job and a way to support yourself.

If you have family members or friends you can live with for a while, that would be a great help. I wish you well sweetie. Hugs!

reply to post by BloodSister


I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

As others have mentioned it might be beneficial for you to move out. I know it's easy to say "move out" when the practicalities of it can be a little more difficult, especially considering your circumstances and you obviously don't want to leave your mum for fear of how she may react.

You might be reluctant to leave your mum what with the state she is in, but at the end of the day you need to do what is important for you, otherwise you will remain shackled to her for ever. By all accounts you and others have tried many ways to help her, but to no avail. Really the only person who can help her is herself. You mentioned your boyfriend's house so could that not be an option for you?

She then shouts upstairs at me '' im making my bed in the garden'' and then its the front door opening and her saying '' ill call you later'' ( this is at 3am!! )

Are bizarre incidents like this common for your mum? It makes wonder whether she may have some kind of mental illness - or it could just be drunken antics.

Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse

There is a lot of information there relating to alcoholism which may be of some limited help to you. As for eating disorders...frankly I don't know.

I suggest speaking to your GP. He might be able to put you in touch with some support or AA groups who could offer some advice.

I do have another suggestion which may seem pointless and far out...but you could write your mum a letter and give it to her at a point when she's sober (if that's possible). Write down in the letter many of the things you have written here. Don't have a rant but express to her how her behaviour affects you and how you want to help her. She might not read it or if she does she might ignore it, but at least you will have put it all in front of her and got some things off your chest. It may be easier than talking to her verbally as you mention that there are constant arguments.

I know it must be incredibly difficult for you, but try not to give into despair. Let us know how you get on.

reply to post by Night Star


Night Star!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed you



Must have been on different tracks for a while.
It's strange.

Whenever I bump into you I'm in personal seclusive mode

*Changes lock code*

Hint 45674839004625

wishing all is well with you

Cody

I do not 100% know what you are going thru, but have a sister that is an rider that likes high/low and will do insane things to crash herself. There is a lot of manipulation going on and drama around her and my parents that she tries to get me involved in. In the end there was a clean break from both me and my parents and three people are living without drama and my sister can create all the drama she wants with other people.

Be happy for the good things you had with her and try not to be bitter of the bad things if you can. Make a clean break and take some time feeling the energy you will have when you are not surrounded by the drama that is draining you. And if she changes take baby step in that relationship and let you be the driver not her, so that she can trap you again in co dependency.

reply to post by BloodSister

I'll say 1st and foremost...you have plenty of friends here to support YOU...and offer what we can to help you. One thing for sure: You cant change the world nor anyone that doesnt want to. At some point...the best thing you can do...for you...(and your dog too!)...is to get out.

The one thing in life you have control over is yourself. It wouldnt be deserting, it wouldnt be giving up on them...and it wont make you look bad. Youve done and tried so many things that that is a given that you care. I think, youve just gotta learn to let go. You are a caring family member and everyone will always know that. But at this point, be supportive as much as possible, but youve got to go. Its already negatively affecting you.

On the down side a bit....will you get a phone call someday with bad news after youve gone on to your own future? Probably, but we hope not. Still...that appears to be a real, distinct possiblity you most likely should expect sometime. You will have to deal with that like we all do: as a great child to a parent(s) that did everything you could possibly do and MORE. And that my friend...is more than others may do in this case.

All in all...youve done what you can, never give up caring and trying to get some sense across...but strike out on your own: where you are supposed to be. You'd be surprised how many of us have been where you are now....but arent any longer.

We still care....we still gave it and are giving it 1,000% to our loved ones...but we learned...BECAUSE of all we've done...and becasue we care...and know.. sorry to say its apparently not going to do any good further....we have to pray and get on with our lives.

My friend? Life is for living. Youre a great child in a difficult situation. Time for you now to go and get your place in life. Its waitng for you....

Peace, love and life...you are never alone. U2U us Ats'rs here. We care. Just like you.....

reply to post by BloodSister


Bloodsister,
Stay strong girl! You can't help anyone or yourself if you let yourself get runned down, stressed, anxious or depressed.

Although those who give you advice here on ATS aren't doctors or psychologists (perhaps there are some here who are, but the majority are not), it is sage advice from a "lived through it" perspective. Pick through the advice, try some approaches, see what works, and keep moving forward.

Mum is ill. She seems like a really "bad" person. Maybe she is. But mostly she's ill. Maybe things just got to her and her way of coping is being in a haze and controlling whatever she can - food, house, you, because she may feel she has no other control about what happened/happens to her. Who knows.

Best not to hate her, feel sorry for her, look after her. Best to stand tall and proud and go make a life for yourself. Websites, library books, chats -- these are all free -- to learn about codependency, about narcissistic personalities, anorexia, etc. -- not what causes it -- but how to take of your own self in this situation -- so you get healthier and set boundaries, and by doing so, you are no longer enabling your mum.

If your grandparents can take you in with your pets -- maybe work up a game plan for improving your life and getting out on your own within 12 months time -- be it counseling, education, work, savings plan, whatever. Or a friend, or the boyfriend. Maybe find a job (or two), save like mad, and quickly find a cheap flat (that allows pets) and a roommate to help pay the rent.

See if your local "save a pet" group (not an institution, but a group of loving people who rescue animals) can help you find a temporary "foster" family for your pets if you can't take them with you -- if you pay for the food... or find a friend who could do the same. And then find a job, place to live that accepts pets, and get them back.

Read inspirational books that really help you stay positive and focused on creating a beautiful life for yourself. What do you want to be? Do? Have? Accomplish? What will your legacy be? What difference do you want to make in the world?

Spend a week just thinking and "not thinking" about this...write down all the random thoughts on paper and see what starts to form -- what you value, care about, dream of, love to do, have a passion for --- and let it come together and form a vision for your new life. Then set out to take baby steps to make it happen and believe, believe, believe that it will. Be open to Life.

Surround yourself with healing white Light every night before you go to sleep and do the same for the pets, Mum, the house...

I'm not religious, but if you are, pray in gratitude, giving thanks for your beautiful new life, as if it has already materialized.

Oh, and eat healthy, natural foods, be sure to get some exercise, be outside, rent funny movies to laugh at, and try to get some sleep (despite the 3 am tirades) until you can move out somewhere.

My advice (for what it's worth) is to not say anything to your mother about your plans. She may only wish to put you down, rant and rave, threaten herself, or accidently let the gate open. Instead, make your plan, be committed to leaving, and then leave.

You can call her or stop over once you are safely living somewhere else -- or leave her a heartfelt letter, saying you love her and want her to be healthy and whole and happy -- but that she has been hurting herself and you far too long and that you must, must, must take care of yourself now and that she can do the same for herself. Leave a list of resources that she can reach out to for help (like AA, local social worker, church, therapist, hospital, whatever). And then, maybe when you both are healthy and whole again, you can start a new relationship built on love and trust.

Take good care.

reply to post by cody599


Wow, you just made my day. Thanks!

Nothing to add that has not already been said. You have done all you can to help and endured enough pain. You must go and leave her in the hands of professionals. Or you will sink to. You deserve a life to you know as does everyone. The best of luck

reply to post by BloodSister


No matter what ails a parent, it is a parents duty to provide for thier children. That means more than merely organising a roof over thier heads and putting food in thier bellies. It also means making life choices, and forming behaviors which are benificial to the development of the child, providing a good example to the child of how to live a life, how to grow into a decent adult.

Under ordinary circumstances, it would be reasonable for a child to feel that they should stay around, when a parent is in medical distress, and has provided those things. However, your mother is preventing you from moving on with your life, by behaving in a dependant manner toward you, behaving like a child. At this point you need to consider what your options are in terms of having her sectioned under the mental health act. Its been some time since I last looked into that, so the law, and the methods may be different. However, you cannot allow your mothers dysfunctions to prevent you living your life. The fact that your mother has a disorder, is not your fault, or your responsibility, especially since drinking and failing to nourish herself are CHOICES she has made. Not only that but given a way out, she has then chosen not to take the first steps toward changing those behaviors which cause her medical distress, and you to live half a life.

With these things in mind, I think that it would be perfectly justified for you to basically get out, take your dog, your life, and put them somewhere out of her reach, where her self-obsession and self-destruction cannot catch you up in thier fallout directly. I know that you are going to worry for her, that you are concerned for her welfare, and thats more than fair enough. But her ills are her own choosing. She is not dying of some rare disease that she was born with, nor some odd foreign virus. She is destroying her self with no thought for those around her, and no matter what you do, stay or go, she will continue that behavior, until she decides not to, or until someone intervenes.

I think your best options are either to cut and run, and leave her to the inevitable conclusion of her behavior, or get her put in an institution until she can learn how to look after her self, get some proper help with her issues. What ever you do end up doing, you must not allow her issues to take your life from you. Her giving up her life is her choice, but you giving up yours by staying with her is YOUR choice. Make a new one. Be free.

reply to post by BloodSister


Tell your mother your not going to leave because you love her but there will be changes that need to be made for the sake of her health and yours.

1. She will help you look after your animals when you are out looking for work or at work
2. You will look for work, and find a job.
3. You both will invest inexerise gear and set up home gym.
4. You will both cooperate and encourage eachother to get fit
5. You will both share to the best extent of your abilities each the housing cleaning duties. Organise specific day/times where you can clean house together
6. You will both work together to restore you mums relationship with her parents.