Cutting Off Toxic Family Members

Figured I would share this with all of you as I'm sure it's a somewhat familiar scenario. So, as I mentioned earlier in the thread, I have a serious injury that's impacted a whole lot of things and have been medically ordered against driving. Father knows, mother proved her psychopathy before finding out what was actually wrong and all members of my family have provided zero help despite all living near me. They don't even check to see if we have food. In fact, there has been zero contact. Not once has any one of them even so much as sent an email or called. Last time I heard from my dad was two months ago and that was giving him the news on what the neurologist said.

Out of the blue today, I've received 3 phone calls from my mother (all unanswered, btw, go me!). Had no clue why she was calling me as she normally leaves me alone for 6 months after one of her "bad mom" days but upon checking my email, I found an email sent by my sister inviting me to her son's graduation party on Sunday... Figures, doesn't it?

reply to post by WhiteAlice


Hi WhiteAlice.

It is not surprising at all. If you suspect/know that your mother is indeed psycho/sociopathic, or has an ASPD similar to it such as malignant narcissism, it is standard practice for them to constantly crave attention and seek to be the center of it, and will lie, manipulate, domineer, hurt, etc. whoever it takes for them to maintain control over other people.

Your other family members, either knowingly or unknowingly, are probably acting as enablers for her behavior since it seems like they are not allowed to maintain their own separate relationship with you without your mother steering them or otherwise having a fit about it.

As the proverb goes, let go or be dragged.

reply to post by KyrieEleison


Yep, they are. It's interesting because my other family members know that she's completely mental, especially in regards to me, and try to advise me as to how to deal with her while constantly pushing me back towards her. It's bizarre. She ended up calling me back to back last night so that the phone was nearly continuously ringing. My eldest and I both are autistic so yeah, we caved. The alternative was her showing up on our doorstep, violently angry. Pretty frustrating. Apparently, it was to give him a birthday present ($100) and she was emphasizing how he should get a master's a great deal. Her "bait" is my grandfather's estate, which she had promised to use towards education (through pressure--long story in itself). So what she was doing was emphasizing the economic benefit of maintaining a relationship with her, using my eldest. Better yet, my youngest's birthday is in a few days and guess who didn't get a gift. So either a. she's playing her favoritism game again and my youngest will receive nothing or b. she's going to be calling non-stop in a few days to milk out the contact. Quite possibly the former as both my youngest and I barely existed to her and she would not even look at me. Her target was definitely my eldest with promises of higher level education (masters...no phd!) in an attempt to bind him to her since I'm very certain she knows that I am "lost" to her. It's nasty because my eldest was invited to go to college when he was just 15 through a grant that covers the first two years so my version of "being the bad guy" comes with the possibility of no upper level education.

That's how the game works in my family. My grandfather did the same thing. I was supposed to get a PhD but through various machinations by my family, I was forced to drop out in my senior year with one term left and was denied financial aid due to parental income. So, my free ride to a phd never happened but the education bait was used again to bind me years later only to have it yanked again. Difference on the second time was I could get financial aid. So serious deja vu going. Pretty sure that we'd have to leave the country to actually escape them.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


There's always legal action, if you have the patience to build up to it.

You can keep a phone record and file a report with the police regarding harassing phone calls. They don't really need to cite her for it, they can just tell her to knock it off.

If she keeps doing it (likely), or worse, ends up at your front door all angry and pounding, refusing to leave, you can then take the next step and have her cited for criminal trespass to property and subsequently have a restraining order issued.

If she then violates that (likely) she will be held in contempt and will start treading on dangerous ground where the tolerance for such behavior wears extremely thin.

reply to post by KyrieEleison


Without going into too much detail, I have considered that. Actually, we have called the police on her in the past after she entered our home and had us barricaded in my room (thank god I put a lock on the door). Believe it or not, the police did nothing to pursue the matter or even question her but the fact that they were called did prompt her to vacate the home. Sometimes, it's just not that easy. .

reply to post by WhiteAlice


If she was already gone before they got there, then there isn't really much else they can do on their own as they were not a witness to it. As the complainant, the onus is on you to press charges, request that a citation be issued, and have your case heard in court.

If she was dumb enough to hang around after the police arrived, they have something more to go on aside from your word that it happened and they have more options to pursue it.

It really is that easy - it is the family members who refuse to follow up in court after the police get called that make it hard on themselves.

As a former LEO, I can attest that it is indeed aggravating to have to keep coming back and back and back to the same house to respond to a complaint and after the dust settles the family members refuse to press charges and just allow it to continue.

reply to post by KyrieEleison


I know that is a huge frustration for LEO's. I actually did want to press charges and that was actually the first time I called the police on her. It was the LEOs that came that deterred me and said that there wasn't anything I could do as she didn't physically assault me. Of course, the reason why she was unable to lay a finger on me was solely because I was able to evade her and we were able to barricade ourselves in, lol. I explained to them that there was a substantial history of physical abuse and in detail but that didn't matter as it was so long ago. They felt pretty bad and were very glad that she left. What she did was hammer on the door bouncing between spitting wrath and cajoling, trying to to convince me to come out. It was very disturbing and she terrified the hell out of my son. She is very unstable and very dangerous.

I was hoping for a longer reprieve to buy time to heal and then get out of dodge. However, circumstances have us stuck for the time being. And guess who called again today wanting to borrow my son tomorrow....My son wisely said no in a very adroit way. Oh and fun fact: She never recalls these events. It makes it even creepier actually.

I don't want to go into too many details because the situation I am in involves another person and their toxic parents.

But I am trying to deal with a situation here where someone I love greatly is being emotionally torn apart by an abusive mother and an equally emotionally abusive father who is also stealing from them.

I really feel very protective when it comes to this other person, I would do anything for them. Every fibre in my body is screaming out to go and confront these monsters but this person has asked me not to, so I am abiding by their wishes for now.

Am I a part of this abuse by allowing this abuse to carry on? Should I intervene any way?

reply to post by ButterCookie


Jesus said to hate anything that is against love. Not so much to hate your family but it is ok for you to hate what they do and separate from them until they are willing to show you the love that you are trying to show them.

Give up on religion, give up on family, give up on a job, but never give up on love.

Always pursue love, even when that means you have to cut off those who are toxic to you.

reply to post by Mister_Bit


If you're questioning it and you obviously are since you know her wishes, then I wouldn't say that you're part of it. It's a delicate thing to try to break somebody from what is essentially conditioning to accept a specific, albeit toxic, behavior. I was very lucky in that my SO who actually helped me break out of the mind rut was a criminal justice major and had been educated in criminal and victim psychology. What he did with me was pretty slick and very subtle. I'll see if I can convince him to actually post on a forum to give you some suggestions on how to approach it He hates forums though, lol.

reply to post by WhiteAlice


Another interesting funfact about people with certain ASPDs is that they sometimes have the memory of a goldfish, and many are incapable of forward thinking i.e. they only live in the "now" - history and future are alien to them.

If one were so inclined, this trait can be exploited to great disadvantage of said person.

Originally posted by WhiteAlice
reply to post by Mister_Bit

 

If you're questioning it and you obviously are since you know her wishes, then I wouldn't say that you're part of it. It's a delicate thing to try to break somebody from what is essentially conditioning to accept a specific, albeit toxic, behavior. I was very lucky in that my SO who actually helped me break out of the mind rut was a criminal justice major and had been educated in criminal and victim psychology. What he did with me was pretty slick and very subtle. I'll see if I can convince him to actually post on a forum to give you some suggestions on how to approach it He hates forums though, lol.

Thanks, any and all suggestions would be a great help!

It's difficult to deal with because I care so much but then I'm fearful of making a bad situation worse. The mental abuse they deal out though is absolutely horrific and I'm sure is probably against the law, the stealing certainly is.

reply to post by Mister_Bit


No.

If you just up and cut that person off, or put forth a forced ultimatum (i.e. stand up to them or I'm gone) then that would qualify as being a part of it and would make you no better than they.

You are doing the best you can do at the moment, and that is providing a patient, understanding, and supportive environment. It tends to grow on people and once they get used to it they sometimes wake up to what's been going on all around them.

Originally posted by KyrieEleison
reply to post by Mister_Bit

 

No.

If you just up and cut that person off, or put forth a forced ultimatum (i.e. stand up to them or I'm gone) then that would qualify as being a part of it and would make you no better than they.

You are doing the best you can do at the moment, and that is providing a patient, understanding, and supportive environment. It tends to grow on people and once they get used to it they sometimes wake up to what's been going on all around them.

I understand thanks, but this person knows they are in an abusive enviroment and have asked me not to do anything, not because they think I am interfering but out of absolute fear and dread of their parents.
I believe they are in real physical risk, either through the actions of their parents or by my inaction.

reply to post by Mister_Bit


Has there been a credible threat made against this person that you have been a witness to?

Originally posted by KyrieEleison
reply to post by Mister_Bit

 

Has there been a credible threat made against this person that you have been a witness to?

Nothing that wouldn't come down to "my word against theirs" in a court sadly.

They are very clever and very manipulative. Very charming in company.

The abuse has also started on one of their younger siblings also.

You'll have to forgive me for not being too specific, if it were myself I would give you all the details but as it involves another I don't feel it would be correct to post too many details. I hope you understand.

reply to post by KyrieEleison


Sounds about right. When I was younger, she'd take a shower after one of her abuse fests. If I managed to remove all signs of the confrontation both personally and in the house, all I would have to do is pretend that nothing had occurred for her to "reset". It was literally like nothing had happened at all in her mind. It puzzled me as a teen and I thought it was possibly Korsakoff's but that didn't make total sense. Do you know if the goldfish memory means that unpleasant memories can be totally discarded? I did get her to crack once and she admitted that she did not remember anything but acknowledged that, based on all three family member's statements, she was very abusive. It's always puzzled me and tossing in personality change, I was thinking maybe full blown DID.

reply to post by Mister_Bit


It's ok! I totally understand.

The best thing you can do is make sure this person is not left alone with them as much as you possibly can and make sure you are always able to check in on them if they are - even a simple text message with a code word that only you two share will do.

This may come across as being "clingy" but if you are concerned for their welfare then who cares??

reply to post by WhiteAlice


If she felt slighted you better believe she will remember that you have something coming to you. She may not necessarily remember exactly what it was or why but she will remember that she needs to "get you" for something or other, and when she seeks retribution it will usually be spontaneous, with no consideration for the aftermath, and will be completely exaggerated by comparison to whatever the perceived slight happened to be.

reply to post by KyrieEleison

Many thanks, that's sound advice and something I'll certainly discuss with them